To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

@Faceonthewrongfoot
Within reason, yes. If they wanted a new kitchen, new bathroom, different flooring, built-in wardrobes, a loft conversion, etc., I’d be happy to pay for it. If they wanted to redecorate or modernise again in a few years’ time, I’d probably pay for that too.
Obviously there are limits. If they wanted a brand-new designer kitchen every two years, I’d probably question it! But if it’s a reasonable improvement that makes the home nicer for them, I don’t see why I wouldn’t. They’re the ones living there, so I want them to enjoy it.
As for why I didn’t just give them a deposit instead, that’s because a deposit becomes part of a jointly owned marital asset. That defeats the purpose of trying to keep family wealth within the family. This way they have the benefit of living in a lovely home without housing costs, and if they want to buy somewhere together in future, they’re in an excellent position to do so because they’ve had years without paying rent or a mortgage.

Why should he be able to keep all his assets, but if she, with her own money, buys her own place, he gets half? And you think SHE is the gold digger?!

You're not as generous as you think you are, and your son also has no gold for your dil to 'dig' for. The house is not under his name and £50k is not even considered high earning in London.

Where is she getting the better deal? If they jointly saved and bought a house, they'd each get half of it in the divorce. If they were gifted a house as a wedding present, and then divorced, they'd each get half of it (despite neither of them saving to get the house). However in this scenario, he could end up with half a house (if they jointly saved and bought one, or even if she saved and bought it herself), plus he'd be able to live in the luxury 3 bed flat they were 'gifted' as a wedding present for ever, while she would just end up with half a house (that she may have paid for entirely). So at no point would she get a better deal.

So she's not family, shes the breeding stock.

I think this is a difficult one. I understand your position but you have inserted yourself into their marriage in a way. They're not building a life together because there's this set up. They'd be mad to say no and would not wish to seem ungrateful either, I'm sure, but DIL knows that she'd be out if they got divorced. The home she creates isn't really hers.

I think your DD has the right idea but I imagine a husband earning more as often is the case, would push this.

You're wrong to call her a gold digger. I don't like that term and thinking that way about her will undermine their relationship too. You dislike her or don't trust her.

People saying she should buy her own property are being simplistic. If she does earn as much as him, it would take forever for her to buy a property in London, if it were ever possible. He'd still be entitled to half in a divorce.

The issue is that a married couple should be building a life together. Instead, this is setting him up already with no incentive to build his own wealth because he knows he'll inherit. So he isn't going to try and build something with her by the sound of it.

There's a power imbalance that isn't going to change unless he is very thoughtful and supportive of his wife and any potential career for her. On the flip side, she's wanting to be sahm which would make her very vulnerable. I don't think this makes her a gold digger but this imbalanced wealth has created a problem to solve in their relationship. Hope they do so before kids come along.

Is everything you give not really given @practicalorparanoid

Did you gain from marital assets when your DH died?

Well that is what another child has done and the OP seems perfectly happy with it.

At the end of the day she doesn’t have to give her four kids a penny, but has chosen to give them a massive head start in life with living rent free. The poor little things, how terrible for them!

he can change job and work for someone else?

Wow. So not a wedding gift at all then. I mean, very generous of you to allow them to use one of your properties rent free, but the idea that you would deem any money you gifted to them as 'family wealth' that you want to keep within 'the family' is just not how must of us view gifts. Either its a gift, or its family wealth that you want to keep control over.

50k in London isn’t a lot, especially if they have children. She doesn’t sound like a gold digger, she sounds like she’s sensibly trying to protect herself which is right. She has no asset in her name, a pre nup (is it they valid if they’re married in the uk??) and a MIL who seems determined to ensure money stays with blood (super creepy by the way)
I think she’s just trying to ensure she’s safe and financially secure whilst you lord it up over them with your flat and Henry 8th mentality about heirs

But you didn’t buy them a flat did you? You bought yourself a flat and you’re letting them live there free of charge.
Yes that’s really kind but it doesn’t provide them/her with any assets or stability does it?
I wouldn’t be very happy about the arrangement either.

She literally is your brood mare. The only value or worth she brings is to deliver offspring that you can assign to your bloodline and incorporate into your wealth. Will you be taking DNA tests to confirm paternity? Its quite chilling and weird, and indicates that you know the price of everything and the value of nothing, in the immortal words of Oscar Wilde.

I cannot fathom thinking this way about your daughter in law.

I just certainly hope she remembers that you don’t view her as family if she has children, and also in your old age.

As a lot of people have said, a gold digger requires having a partner who has gold to dig.

Your son lives in a flat that is not his and he is paid a pittance, for London. Your DiL is most definitely not a gold digger.

I voted yabu and having read your updates I stand by that.

You didn’t buy them a flat for their wedding present. You bought yourself a flat that you are letting them live in.

On the face of it, that is a very kind gesture, but I actually don’t think it is at all.

By offering something with strings attached you are interesting yourself directly into the middle of your children’s marriages. It would have been better for you to do nothing at all.

You are keeping your children on a tight leash and keeping control over them, by having them work in the family business, having them live in your home.

I know that you will say it’s their choice and yes it is, but you are using your wealth to keep your children on a leash.

I don’t know why you didn’t just gift each of them a deposit. So what if it meant that the dil/sil got their hands on a few thousand quid. These are the people who your children chose to marry.

Why give them a beautiful flat that’s not even really theirs? That’s going to make it hard for them to leave it and is putting a dilemma at their feet.

It all sounds very enmeshed. If I was your dil I’d be running for the hills.

You remind me so much of my dad OP. Well meaning, generous to an extent but control underpinning alot of his issues.

I maintain that it falls on your children to decide if that is something they want to be a part of. If it isn't they shd be free of all the strings and find their own paths. You shd also be able to not hold it against them if they decide they don't want what you are offering.

The dynamic of being reliant on a parent for your income/housing is not a good one in my experience. The child is always seen as "a child" even in a professional environment regardless of how it's framed. In my family, its impacted growth and drive to succeed.

She is getting half of rent free so is he. As someone mentioned before in central london for 3-4bed flat is easily £30-40k a year free. Ongoing. Each year. I would appreciate MIL who helps me that way not just complain that she could just give me enough to quit working at age 28ish.

I wonder how people would comment if OP would say "since my DS got married i'm giving them 30000 cash every year" - would you also jump at her how bad it is because she should just give them 300000 right away? or how much would be enough? Young people wouldn't have any incentive to build their life.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name.

But you haven't bought them a flat as a wedding gift. You have bought yourself a flat which you are allowing them to live in. Yes its generous that they can live rent free but there is zero future security for DS, DIL and any future DDs. You could change your mind at any time.

If you wanted to gift them something as a wedding present then why not a deposit for a house and they can build their own security for the future without being so enmeshed. It all seems a bit controlling to me.

My dad comes from a family with significant generational assets - a family farm. The only financial wrangling occured around making sure that his beloved sister is cared for appropriately in a care facility suited to her disability.

They have always shared, trusted, and never have applied any sort of financial control to their families.

He has given generously to all his children, including those from my mum's first marriage who he treats as his own.

There are no strings, invisible or otherwise.

So to me, this isn't just "what families do" - reading your posts feels like having a hand around my throat!

To me, "what families do" is share, trust, and let everyone make their own choices. The imbalance of power here is ridiculous and you don't even believe it exists.

But to challenge you, and I'm more on your side than many on the thread, is the point of marriage not that your DIL (or SIL) becomes part of the family? At least to the extent that whatever happens /if the marriage ends, you'd want to see them and any GC reasonably housed?

I can totally understand wanting to have structures in place to protect the business, it can be devastating to a family owned business if there's a divorce and an ex-spouse needs to be bought out, but gifting them a moderate sum of money for a house deposit sounds like it would be well within your means and would be more straightforward and potentially better for inheritance planning purposes than this business of tieing up millions in capital to buy properties for them to live in. Even if you gifted them say £100k which would with the money he inherited from his father be a lovely deposit for a flat in the suburbs, then they divorced and split the equity, yes you've 'lost' 50k, a huge sum to many, but is that not quite a small proportion of your overall wealth? I wouldn't begrudge a DIL that personally....

You sound super controlling, I’m planning to help DD buy her first home, it’ll be hers, I’d never buy something in my name and then let her use it and then tell her its hers.

As they say on mumsnet she has a dh problem. He's sitting pretty in the knowledge he has a comfortable financial future ahead of him regardless and it does not sound like he is motivated to do what most married couples do and invest in building a solid financial future together. What's hers is half his and what his is his own.

If she has any sense she will think long and hard about whether being married to your son is going to be the wisest way towards a secure future or if she is better off building that for herself without him. You want to keep the money in the family and she quite rightly has to also protect her own interests.

I suspect she has come to realise that she has somewhat locked herself in a guilded cage.

It’s just not the same thing at all.

Op got them to choose a flat they liked, she did work on it for them, they are probably very attached to it but it’s not really theirs.