AIBU to refuse to talk to my family about my kids going to private school because it just causes my family to act a bit rude

[mumlifeisunpredictable]

My two DC both attend private school. My DH and I are fortunate enough that we can send our kids to private school and still remain financially comfortable. Obviously it costs a lot to send them both to private school, and that seems to make my family upset.

I've noticed that every single time I mention school at all, my siblings tend to make subtle snide remarks about my financial situation and they tend to go on rants about how private schools are a scam. I can say "My daughter has a school trip on Friday" and one of my siblings will always say "Normal schools have school trips too, I really don't see the point of paying sll that money for no reason." Just comments like that. As its the summer holidays, I just ordered my kids school uniforms, I was at my mums house this morning, my brother was there, and during conversation I mentioned that I had ordered my kids school uniform as it was relevant to the conversation.

Then, as usual, my brother had something to say. He said "Oh their expensive school uniform for their expensive private school." That really annoyed me. So I said that from now on, I'm done talking about my kid school cause I'm sick and tired of everybody's comments.

Apparently I'm being dramatic, according to my brother.

Even so, if they need to order their uniforms from specific supplier, then OP is just stating facts. The siblings are jealous and taking it out on OP. Awful behaviour.

I had to really toughen up when we sent our DC private. Some family members never spoke to me again. One refused to even come into my house. Pathetic.

Conversations that show off your wealth are best avoided in certain company. There's no need for it

Is there any possibility they are sick of hearing about it? Maybe you overshare a bit too much? Or, maybe they are just rude. Only you can know that.

They won't stop.
Theyll just start shoehorning it into other conversations.

Not all of us think that private school is a benefit. Maybe they think that too.

Does that mean they should act like a dickhead towards OP, for a difference of opinion?

This is a very silly 'AIBU' question because it has such an obvious answer.

Or did you just want everyone to confirm 'they're jealous hun'?

That’s not true really is it, clearly OP sees the benefits.

The downside of not talking to them about it us you are just silencing and censoring yourself. So that’s something to think about.

no advice really as we’re in the same position. I guess I feel sorry for myself sometimes that I’m not sharing news about my child with others because I don’t want them to be annoyed that they go to private school.

The downside of not talking to them about it us you are just silencing and censoring yourself. So that’s something to think about.

no advice really as we’re in the same position. I guess I feel sorry for myself sometimes that I’m not sharing news about my child with others because I don’t want them to be annoyed that they go to private school.

Honestly, most people couldn't care less where you send your children to school

But comments like "fortunate enough to have the opportunity" will rile them up

It's clearly a sensitive subject, best avoided

Interesting. I too was talking about buying uniform this week (so I’m dull?)
and lots of logoed items from a specific supplier, not an Asda 2 pack (bragging)
AND DC recently went on a school trip.

It’s for a state school though so does that make it acceptable? Is it only private school parents that can’t mention their everyday mundane goings on like trips and uniform.

your family sucks op

We had similar with my SIL and BIL. We are not wealthy but both of us had decent salaries and could afford nice holidays and a new car etc. My MIL told us that SIL thought we were being insensitive by mentioning that we were going on holiday, so we just stopped talking about anything that involved spending money. I think it's the only way to deal with someone who's envious- just don't give them any opportunity to make their sarcastic comments.

And I see saying ‘fortunate’ as trying to acknowledge that they are lucky, not pretending it’s a god given right.

she IS fortunate to have that option, even if others wouldn’t take it. That doesn’t mean others are unfortunate.

I’m really fortunate I can afford a holiday to Europe, that doesn’t mean I’m saying “unfortunately you have to have a shithole staycation”, it means I recognise my privilege

My children are in private school. It’s a SEN school so hardly something on my wishlist when initially planning my children’s education but I’m happy with it, it’s a good school and the state didn’t offer what they needed.
My sister ranted about private schools in every conversation I had for over a year (regardless of whether I even mentioned school or even my children).
Not mentioning anything to do with school didn’t stop her. So be prepared they’ll likely find a way to continue making comments if they wish!

Someone I was acquainted with some years ago with kids go private and lots of talk about uniforms, need hat for this, hat for that, branded sports bag, day bag, branded this branded that, day this, day that, speech day this, speech day that, should they do sailing or windsurfing club, this school trip, that school trip, extra lessons for this and that. Icing on the cake, when they explained they really wanted best for their child, so only option was private...unlike rest of us who have to slum it. All a bit tiresome.

Is it possible there's elements of that coming across - even if not intentionally?

My ds went to independent school, most of his cousins did not. I just didn't discuss it with them.
One dsis came to an open day with me because she genuinely wanted to have a look. Otherwise, it was off limits. There was no benefit in anyone discussing it.

Its not just about being 'envious', its about being sensitive to other peoples circumstances

I agree with you not discussing it. But the problem is it’s not fair on your kids, as they get older, not to be able to say anything about school, school-based activities, school friends, etc. Your DC ought to be able to
tell grandparents and aunts and uncles about the school play, the school trip to the museum, their sports match, etc, without getting snide comments. If there are any comments like the ones you’ve described in front of the kids, I’d pull the family member to one side and say it’s totally inappropriate and unfair on the kids for them to be critical of your DCs’ school in front of your DC.

My SIL’s partner once tried to shame me about sending the kids privately. Afraid I responded by saying that I somewhat doubted that the children at the state system would feel in any way comforted or happier that my DC could ‘learn’ about children less fortunate than them and it was actually a little insulting as those kids weren’t freaks to be empathised with.

Being insensitive would be OP telling her brother that he should get a better job so he can privately educate his children.

Talking to her family about what her children are doing is a completely normal thing to do. The brother’s problem is just that - his problem, his responsibility to deal with. She shouldn’t feel obliged to not speak about her children because her brother has a chip on his shoulder.

I should add that DH’s family have often made stupid comments about what we should or shouldn’t do or what we should or shouldn’t share so I have zero fucks to give.

The point is private schools may or may not be a complete waste of money and it all depends on the child. As with all schools there are pupils that thrive in a private school but would have done equally well in a state school or worse or better. And those in a state school that would have done better, worse or the same in a private school.

The point is though you will never know what might have been the outcome If you had taken the other option.

There's always one in the family/friendship group who act like this and unfortunately you've gotten lumbered with a few! For me it was my gran who acted like I'd remortgaged a kidney every time I ordered a takeaway 🤣 idk why she had a hang up about it, and it was about twice a month & I paid! But she would make such a fuss I stopped ordering anything when she was there! So I guess same applies - remove the opportunity for them to give you grief, don't discuss it with them.

You're doing a good thing sending the kids to private school but if convos about it spark aggro then yes I would just not discuss it with them, even though I agree with others that you shouldn't have to be the one to change, but life's too short to put up with their nonsense.