AIBU to refuse to talk to my family about my kids going to private school because it just causes my family to act a bit rude

[mumlifeisunpredictable]

My two DC both attend private school. My DH and I are fortunate enough that we can send our kids to private school and still remain financially comfortable. Obviously it costs a lot to send them both to private school, and that seems to make my family upset.

I've noticed that every single time I mention school at all, my siblings tend to make subtle snide remarks about my financial situation and they tend to go on rants about how private schools are a scam. I can say "My daughter has a school trip on Friday" and one of my siblings will always say "Normal schools have school trips too, I really don't see the point of paying sll that money for no reason." Just comments like that. As its the summer holidays, I just ordered my kids school uniforms, I was at my mums house this morning, my brother was there, and during conversation I mentioned that I had ordered my kids school uniform as it was relevant to the conversation.

Then, as usual, my brother had something to say. He said "Oh their expensive school uniform for their expensive private school." That really annoyed me. So I said that from now on, I'm done talking about my kid school cause I'm sick and tired of everybody's comments.

Apparently I'm being dramatic, according to my brother.

Your siblings are being very rude and also petty.

For those of us who could never dream of having the kind of money required to send our children to private school to spare, it is hard to believe that others can afford such a luxury. But there is absolutely no need for your siblings to be so rude about the fact that you can afford it!

Your siblings are presumably jealous of your fortune financial situation.

Your family sound very rude.

Put them on an information diet. Don't discuss it at all. If they are rude, leave. You don't owe them explanations of your choices.

You could try owning it. “Yes, they love their hugely expensive school and I’m happy to pay their enormously expensive fees with my pots and pots of money. Anyone for a brew?”

Is it possible that you say some things in a slightly smug way? I do have a friend who mentions things about her private school as if it’s unique to that school (I need to buy a dress for a ball).

Your family are extremely rude.

We don’t believe in private schooling, we could have afforded it but didn’t choose it for our children.

But I only get to choose for my children, not for anyone else’s.

Making an unsolicited comment about someone else’s choices for their children is extremely rude.

He Sounds like he enjoys needling you about this. I would smile cheerfully and happily tell him you are happy with your own choices every single time. It might shut him up if he can’t annoy you.

you now know that this is something he is sensitive to, so just don't mention it. be happy not right

Just one “oh F off brother jealous Jimmy” should close out that topic.

Or

”Anything else we do that you are secretly jealous of and want to get off your chest?”

Just don’t go there with them: ignore them/shut them down or change subject if they bring it up.

The only way to deal with goading is to refuse to be goaded.

I have come across this. Two examples of many- We had neighbours who repeatedly couldn’t get over that our state educated children had such nice manners! Also we bumped into another family we know in a sports shop and she asked why we were buying my DS a cricket bat. So just check that your tone is OK. If you’re sure it is just tell them to get lost. Or just don’t talk about school at all.

I’ve had stuff like this for years as I’m the most wealthy person by far in my family.

we don’t do private school though, but I’ve had lots of comments over the years about stuff we have, clothes, food we eat etc

I’ve landed on my feet apparently, I live in bubble, I’ve got a dolls house, I’m with my dh for money (actually he was 30k in debt and on benefits when I met him)

what they don’t see and things I do have to remind them of is…..

• the park trip you have as a family? I do that on my own
• the swimming lessons (dh has never taken them)
• holiday? Forget it, we’ve had one in 15 years
• family days out (maybe one or two if I’m lucky a year)

its just me and the kids, with dh working all the time.

it doesn’t sound much of a life and it can be very miserable so the day to day luxuries we do have I feel are not extravagant, even though they may feel like that to the average person.

the money gives us financial security and enabled us to be mortgage free in my early 30s, but it hasn’t been without many sacrifices which people never seem to take into account.

dh has been skint before, I grew up in poverty on a council estate and he doesn’t want to ever be in that situation again so he can’t justify time off as time off equals money lost (he’s self employed)

when you get snappy back with people they tend to stop with the comments as much.

Torn, really. If you find their comments upsetting/ irritating then I don’t think you’d be unreasonable at all to subtly stop mentioning anything about school around them. But if you’ve announced to them you’re not talking about school any more then that does seem over dramatic of you. It depends on your family dynamic, but to me their comments sound like fairly standard sibling teasing.

100% this.

Don’t tell them anything of note. They will drag you down with their envy and negativity.

I recall sending some photos of my trip to Rome to the family WhatsApp group a few years ago and someone replied “there are pizza restaurants in [our home town]” 😂😂 Some people don’t deserve to know anything about your life. You will feel SO much better keeping your life private from utter misers. Best of luck.

How have you got the money to send them to private school? Is there a chance they feel that’s unfair? An uneven inheritance or something?

If my siblings were snide to me about anything, I'd probably stop hanging out with them.

So you see your family a lot, which suggests you all live relatively close together. Which also means the local state schools you’ve rejected as not good enough for your dcs are the ones their dcs are going to go to/are currently at.

If so, then there’s no way for you to ever talk about your dcs school (even in passing) without reminding them you’ve judged the school their dcs are going to as just not good enough.

You are right to never mention it again. Don’t tell about trips, uniform, what they are doing etc. And never, ever complain about the school/holidays/costs etc.

Just because it's coming from family, doesn't mean you have to put up with it OP. Why should you censor yourself from talking about something completely neutral such as ordering school uniforms. All children needs uniforms regardless of the school they attend. You're not bragging or boasting, you're stating a fact. If a child was treating another child the way your family are treating you, we'd tell them that they are bullies and to have nothing to do with them where possible.

I would start by doing what you've done and if it continues, tell them to fuck off, it's not worth your time and energy.

My husband is a very high earner and I work remote part time from home.

Same recommendation for all toxic family interaction, share less and grey rock. Doesn’t mean it’s not upsetting for you OP. Protect your peace as priority.

I wouldn't stop talking just because a sibling was a rude twat. I would tell them exactly that. It's perfectly normal to say you've bought school uniform whatever school your child goes to, it's not bragging. Tell him jealousy is such an ugly trait to have.

It might sound a bit braggy if OP is ordering multiple (probably expensive) items from a specific supplier and her brother plans to pop to Asda, the week before schools go back, for 2 packs of polo shirts.

Nothing to do with her siblings, maybe she is just better with money and makes better choices!

Maybe he could instead get the fuck over himself. Doesn’t he want to be happy, rather than bitter over his sister’s choices.

He’s the one with the problem, after all.

absolutely this, when OP says 'fortunate enough to afford private school', bro hears, "unfortunately you can't afford private school and have to send your kids to the shithole comp down the road".

and if you are talking about something as dull as buying school uniform, it sounds like it's coming up all the blinking time, which is likely to piss him right off

Jealousy is a terrible thing.