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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I only really have anger to get compliance from my children

103 replies

Summerslams · 27/07/2026 14:04

Bracing myself here because I know I’m going to attract a certain amount of critical amount of critical comments here, but … I don’t seem to have any way of getting my children to comply with me without getting angry / raising my voice.

Yes, I’ve read the books. I’ve tried telling them what to do not what not to do (they ignore me) two choices (they refuse both) speaking firmly and authoritatively (I might as well be pleading) using praise (they like it but not always helpful in the moment.)

They are five and three. I know three especially can be a tricky age but I hate the fact all I really have at my disposal is anger. (I know I’m going to get ‘what are the consequences’ and if anyone can give me an effective consequence for a three year old I’m all ears!)

I have made them cry for three days in succession and would obviously rather prefer not to do so fir a fourth but I’m really struggling to manage them when they just bloody well ignore me nine times out of ten.

OP posts:
Summerslams · 27/07/2026 17:01

I’m not convinced by that at all. I don’t think tantrums are calculated. I don’t think children stop and consider this is how they get what they want; they just react.

The calmer I stay with tantrums the more it seems to fuel them. Dd almost seems to need me to get annoyed to snap her out of it.

OP posts:
Portmore · 27/07/2026 17:02

Naughty step?

Give a warning if ignored then naughty step. Don't get into a discussion.or react to screaming etc just put them back in silence until they calm down then start again with a different task or activity fo the one that caused the problem. Some people might say it's cruel but it's way better than losing your temper.

Stickers & rewards?

Happytaytos · 27/07/2026 17:03

Don't give the opportunity for return. Put them in a space with a door and hold the door.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/07/2026 17:03

OP - just a word of reassurance.

My lot were feral. Well, two of them were less so, but the other three would run away, climb out of windows (when a bit older), refuse to help, or clear up or do anything asked. I was a single mum to five, and my worst day was when trying to get one child to 'help' clear up a mess they'd made and another child knowing I was distracted did something even worse because they knew I couldn't stop them because I was so involved with their sibling. It was horrific. The two more compliant children ended up either trying to cover up their siblings wrong doings or taking the blame.

All five are now university educated and home owners who finally became more or less human after puberty. I also shouted. I even smacked a few legs when completely overwhelmed (finding the clean laundry being used to mop up spilled paint, things like that), but they don't bear me any ill will. I wish I could offer you solutions, but the only thing that I could do was hang in there and try to keep my sense of humour.

Seagulldancing · 27/07/2026 17:06

You can be clearly annoyed by bad behaviour without shouting or losing your temper. Thats part of how DC learn to modify their behaviour. You aren't a robot and should be showing appropriate emotion too.

Swiftie1878 · 27/07/2026 17:07

Summerslams · 27/07/2026 16:55

Right but if behaviour hasn’t changed, what’s the point?

You keep saying what’s the point? and you’ll reap what you sow.
Resigning yourself to bad behaviour when your children are still so young is reneging on your responsibility as a parent.

Oliwiaa · 27/07/2026 17:12

Summerslams · 27/07/2026 17:01

I’m not convinced by that at all. I don’t think tantrums are calculated. I don’t think children stop and consider this is how they get what they want; they just react.

The calmer I stay with tantrums the more it seems to fuel them. Dd almost seems to need me to get annoyed to snap her out of it.

I guess the only solution is just get really angry and shout at them until they comply then.

CaffeinatedMum · 27/07/2026 17:36

OP mine are 6 and 3 and I feel the same as you. No advice but solidarity, sometimes I think the parents who think there are simple solutions to this haven’t had strong willed children.

Summerslams · 27/07/2026 17:39

Oliwiaa · 27/07/2026 17:12

I guess the only solution is just get really angry and shout at them until they comply then.

Well, that’s kind of what the thread says! I’m not sure if you’re being sarcastic or not.

@CaffeinatedMum mine can be, very. They can be lovely but also awful, tbh. Some days I feel all my three year old says is no, or argues with me about something inconsequential.

OP posts:
Passaggressfedup · 27/07/2026 17:40

Good for you. That's how I raised my kids. They knew business. They were 'scared' of me in a I better not mess mummy about, not in a I'm scared she's going to hit us or deprive us of our needs.

They've grown up to be incredibly respectful, well adjusted, no trouble teenagers and young people. We are extremely close even though they moved out when they were 21 (well at 18 to go to Uni but then got a job and own place within 6 months).

They've both told me they plan on raising their kids as I've raised them so it must have worked!

Oliwiaa · 27/07/2026 17:42

Summerslams · 27/07/2026 17:39

Well, that’s kind of what the thread says! I’m not sure if you’re being sarcastic or not.

@CaffeinatedMum mine can be, very. They can be lovely but also awful, tbh. Some days I feel all my three year old says is no, or argues with me about something inconsequential.

Well if you can't do any boundaries or consequences you don't have many options left.

LilacPuffin · 27/07/2026 17:44

I have noticed a lot of posts on MN recently from parents struggling with the behaviour of children who are precisely 5 and 3. Either there is one person who is relentlessly name changing. 😂 Or there is something particularly challenging about having two children of those ages. IME it is the latter.

I know that some MNers proudly declare that they are "shouty mums." 🙄 But from your OP it seems that you're not really happy about raising your voice and showing anger to your children. I think it's best to save shouting for when it's really necessary, e.g. in moments of danger. Shouting every day will dilute its power and eventually it won't get the desired results either. So where do you go then?

I'm not a fan of punishment but I do believe in drawing the line firmly. So if the children are going into a room they aren't allowed in, I'd tell them again that they aren't to go in there but they can go in another room and do XYZ. For something like this, it may be the lure of forbidden fruit, and it can often be better to just avoid mentioning the temptation altogether. Would they have considered going in that room if they didn't know it was off limits? Pre-empting trouble and distraction are among the best tools in the parental toolbox IMO.

I'm sure you've looked at all the usual flashpoints: hunger, tiredness, boredom, not enough exercise, trying to get your attention, etc. But it's always worth mentally running through a similar checklist every now and then.

I do think these ages and stages can be particularly tricky. The other day I saw an advertisement for a bracelet. On the outside it said, "This too shall pass" and on the inside was the inscription "But fucking hell." Sort of sums up parenting sometimes.

Poppingby · 27/07/2026 17:46

How much time do you normally spend with them? There must be some time when you're not having a row. What is happening during those times?

Normally if you know kids quite well you can get them to do stuff according to what works for them. Eg one of my kids likes doing what other people do so you could say 'look Jill is putting her shoes on' (for example, or whatever works in the circumstances) and she would. The other one couldn't have given a flying fuck about other people so you had to approach it differently. Normally making things into a game worked.

What are your kids like?

BobbieTables · 27/07/2026 17:50

Oh God having kids is a nightmare isn't it?
I remember being really pleased with having a rule where they had to play in the garden and not bother me (unless there was an emergency) while I made the tea when mine were that age.
I think (it was a long time ago) that using very specific bribes and threats which were immediately followed up on worked best.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 27/07/2026 17:54

CaffeinatedMum · 27/07/2026 17:36

OP mine are 6 and 3 and I feel the same as you. No advice but solidarity, sometimes I think the parents who think there are simple solutions to this haven’t had strong willed children.

Or there’s parents who have had strong willed children. Who have chosen their battles and stuck to their guns with discipline and consequences.

I’m not saying it is easy, I also had challenging dc who were 3 and 5 at the same time - sane as op. I knew that we needed to keep on top of things.

It was definitely worth it as their teenage years were pretty straightforward.

@Summerslams if you’re throwing in the towel now, I wish you very, very good luck as your dc get older.

edited for spelling

Summerslams · 27/07/2026 17:58

@Poppingby oh totally … I’ve made them cry every morning of the holidays so far but the rest of the days have been sort of OK.

I think the thing is you can stick to your guns but if they aren’t going to comply that’s that.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 27/07/2026 17:59

Summerslams · 27/07/2026 17:58

@Poppingby oh totally … I’ve made them cry every morning of the holidays so far but the rest of the days have been sort of OK.

I think the thing is you can stick to your guns but if they aren’t going to comply that’s that.

OMG.

BertieBotts · 27/07/2026 17:59

What if you drop the idea of compliance in the first place? I found it makes everything a lot less of a battle. And no, I don't mean going full on permissive and just letting them do whatever they want. I just mean that I don't expect to be able to fully control the actions of another person, though I do accept that I have more life experience and foresight than young children and as the responsible adult, it is my place to make sure they are safe, get enough food/sleep/movement/not too much screen time etc and and learn what reasonable social behaviour is, which includes not clonking your annoying sibling on the head with a wooden train bridge (it's happened). I just think you can do this without a general expectation of compliance as a goal in itself.

I find that it just changes the way you look at things. So if you don't have the expectation in the first place to be able to make them do something, you have to use other things instead. One shift is that while it's very difficult to make anyone do something they don't want to do, it is often much easier to prevent something you don't want happening, especially when children are small because they don't have that much power - you're in control of a lot including their environment, for example. Then the other is that rather than "making" them do things you're looking at how to set things up for success so that the thing you want them to do is attractive or easy or natural for them, or seeing it as something they are learning (and will get wrong in the process, and might need coaching/support/structured practice to get better at it) and seeing frustrating behaviour as more information/communication about a problem to be solved or skill to be practised, rather than just an act of defiance which needs to be stamped out. Problem solving is the sort of "final boss" skill - trying to see what they need/want, what I need/want, is it important, is there a win win solution which works for all of us? This comes in more when they are older but you can start using bits of it when they are little.

So I might control the environment (e.g. put things I don't want them to have out of reach) or act as a physical barrier between them and the thing e.g. close the door of the room, place myself between arguing siblings, or herd them away while talking about some interesting thing in a different part of the house, or even just change the scenery e.g. by taking them outside. Interrupting behaviour can stop it in the moment (though won't necessarily prevent it happening in the future).

If they can't handle a certain amount of freedom then I might not give it e.g. unsupervised access to certain rooms. There is a great concept in RIE called a "yes space" which is essentially having at least one area of your house that is childproofed to the extent that you're not having to tell them "no" about anything. Access to siblings often scuppers this - the group I used to be in tended to suggest separate spaces for siblings for that reason. I never went this far TBH but my DC definitely get into states where they need separate spaces to play or exist without encroaching on each other, because they have just gone past their capacity of being able to engage nicely.

But TBH the overall picture of DC that age being repeatedly destructive IME means they are bored or need more structured/targeted input. And if you're on summer holidays it can be a really sudden adjustment when they've been at school/nursery for at least half days if this stops and you have to juggle child wrangling plus household chores all at once, and they're reeling either because they are exhausted from a full year of school or they have been used to the highly stimulating, structured activity of nursery and then suddenly they're at home with just their older sibling to bother.

At those ages they are basically a full time job so there isn't much space for in-depth cleaning jobs as well - you can work up to it but not if they aren't used to that norm yet, and especially less so if they are antsy because of the above. I would not really expect to be able to clean a room completely unimpeded by two children of this age, it's something I'd only do if another adult was there or at least one was sleeping or perhaps they were pacified with TV. I might be able to do something like stick some chemical cleaners around in the kitchen/bathroom and then close the door to that room as they do their thing, coming back in 30/60 mins to rinse them off quickly and maybe do a cursory scrub. Or open a room, stick the robot hoover in and close the door. Or change a bed, one item at a time knowing I might be interrupted and/or the items might end up on the floor or used for a pillow fight in between. I know you didn't want that to be used as an example, but I could give other examples if preferred.

I'm not saying this BTW to say that I do this perfectly at all times or that it is easy or simple, but it is something of a mindset shift which has helped me, and is completely workable IME, or at least no less functional than any other parenting approach!

Summerslams · 27/07/2026 18:05

@BertieBotts I guess I just find as soon as they’ve stoped doing one thing they start another. Life is a battle. Like at dinner … Ds is up and down, then he sits down and starts pulling the leaves off a plant, then he stops that and is up again. So it’s constant don’t, no, leave that plant alone, please sit down, stop climbing leave the plant alone.

I do know it’s not effective but nothing I’ve been told is effective works either. I actually find it stressful when I ask ChatGPT or use online resources as they don’t work but seem so utterly sure they will that I’m flummoxed as to what I’m doing wrong.

OP posts:
BogRollBOGOF · 27/07/2026 18:08

TheJuryIsOut · 27/07/2026 16:03

Oh and don't forget that whatever consequence you give will probably make your life harder, not just theirs. It's one of those things where short term pain leads to long term gain. I know you're obviously trying but you really need to take some of this advice and get on top of it, you really do not want to have 15 year olds who have no respect for you and ignore what you say.

Absolutely. And there's not one magic answer, each child is different and the goal posts change.

Ultimately sucess is when your children understand that you mean what you say and reasonable boundaries work most of the time.

With DS2, disappointment is usually enough. Autistic DS1 is tougher... incremental amounts of confiscating his laptop tends to work best. Parenting is continuing into the teen years, but they do know what the boundaries are and are reasonable most of the time (and importantly great at school so the right values are in place.) The ongoing "fight" in the early years has paid off. There was trial and error (some pretty epic fails I can find the funny side in many years later such as realising he'd bite a child at soft play so I would take him home, so that had to change to staying there longer in a time-out before we could leave as that was the less attractive consequence to him 🤦‍♀️) but ultimately they've always known that I'll follow through or pull them up. Sometimes it's a natural consequence theme, sometimes something like confiscation if natural consequences aren't practical.

It's not easy, but it is worth the perseverence and trial and error.

Summerslams · 27/07/2026 18:12

I don’t disagree but if anyone can give me a meaningful consequence for a three year old with no laptop or phone or tablet I’m all ears, oh, and no shits are given for screen time generally.

What does she care about? Nothing, I don’t think!

OP posts:
Culpeper · 27/07/2026 18:13

The making them cry from your anger made me feel very sad for them. And you. I bet you go to bed at night feeling crap if you’ve made them cry from your shouting.

It might feel like nothing except shouting works, but you’re proving that it actually regularly escalates poor behaviour. I don’t have the answer, but I made a conscious decision to never be a shouty mum. It helps that I have a husband who’s never raised his voice as it’s just not in his nature. I had a shouty, cross mum and it was absolutely horrible. I was determined to be a better parent.

I think once you start shouting, it becomes your go to way dealing with things and the kids won’t then respond until you’re shouting. So a horrible pattern of behaviour is being established.

The maxim ‘Never let yourself become angry before you have to act’ is a good one to live by.

BertieBotts · 27/07/2026 18:14

YY I think the combo of having a younger one who is 2-4ish and an older one who is 4-6ish is especially tricky.

Because the younger one is no longer easily distractible and will take no shit from the older one, is often strong and determined enough to give twice as good as they get, and the older one isn't old enough yet to understand how to make allowances for the younger one's age, or think through more than about 1 step into the future, so often sets up scenarios which are immediately destined to fail and then does not understand why they do and finds this terribly unfair or casts around for the nearest thing to blame (usually the sibling). In short, they are both just immature, because they are young children. It's completely developmentally normal for them not to be able to coexist without significant adult input. That is draining, and it does get easier as they both get older, but there is definitely a period where you have to be more actively involved and/or be prepared to set up separate things for them or distraction/structure, a lot of the time.

Summerslams · 27/07/2026 18:16

BertieBotts · 27/07/2026 18:14

YY I think the combo of having a younger one who is 2-4ish and an older one who is 4-6ish is especially tricky.

Because the younger one is no longer easily distractible and will take no shit from the older one, is often strong and determined enough to give twice as good as they get, and the older one isn't old enough yet to understand how to make allowances for the younger one's age, or think through more than about 1 step into the future, so often sets up scenarios which are immediately destined to fail and then does not understand why they do and finds this terribly unfair or casts around for the nearest thing to blame (usually the sibling). In short, they are both just immature, because they are young children. It's completely developmentally normal for them not to be able to coexist without significant adult input. That is draining, and it does get easier as they both get older, but there is definitely a period where you have to be more actively involved and/or be prepared to set up separate things for them or distraction/structure, a lot of the time.

I may have to screenshot this.

Why people think it’s the perfect age gap I don’t know!

OP posts:
Oliwiaa · 27/07/2026 18:17

Summerslams · 27/07/2026 18:12

I don’t disagree but if anyone can give me a meaningful consequence for a three year old with no laptop or phone or tablet I’m all ears, oh, and no shits are given for screen time generally.

What does she care about? Nothing, I don’t think!

Stop the activity, sit out, leave the place, not be able to do whatever the next thing was, don't get to join in the activity, give the toy to the sibling, get down from the table, go straight to bed - depends what the bad behaviour was and what the context is.