My wife moved out 6 weeks ago with our kids and I genuinely don't know what she's trying to do

[henryic]

About 6 weeks ago me and my wife had one of the biggest fights we've ever had. It wasn't over one thing. It was months of frustration finally coming out.

I told her I felt like I wasn't a priority anymore. She always seemed to have time for her friends but whenever I wanted us to spend time together there was always something else. I also told her I wasn't comfortable with how close she is to her male best friend. I never accused her of cheating. I just said their closeness made me uncomfortable and asked if she could create some distance.

She told me no. She said her friends are her support system and she isn't going to change those friendships because I'm uncomfortable. She also said I'm only jealous because I don't have friends of my own which isn't even true.

The thing that hurt me before all this was her birthday. I'd been planning something special for months. Then she told me she was going away with her friends instead. I cancelled everything I'd planned and honestly that stayed with me.

After her birthday things just got worse between us. We almost never fought before that. We had disagreements like any couple but never anything major. I love my wife so much and that's probably why this has hit me so hard.

That night our argument got really ugly. We both said things we shouldn't have. Some of the things she said genuinely broke my heart.

I left the house because I just couldn't stay there. She called me three times during the night but I ignored the calls because I needed space. I came home the next morning and she was furious.

She packed some bags, took our three teenage kids and left. She stayed with her sister for about two weeks and then rented an apartment in the same city. Since then I've only been seeing my kids on weekends.

The financial side is another mess. My salary has always gone into her account because she's always managed our finances. We both have well paying jobs and normally we split the mortgage 50/50.

Since she moved out she says she shouldn't have to pay the mortgage because she isn't living here anymore. Instead she's taking what would have been her half of the mortgage from my salary and using it to pay the rent for her apartment because, in her words, she's only renting it because of me.

Sometimes I feel like that's too much. Other times I honestly just laugh because the whole situation feels so unreal.

She is still paying equally towards the kids, insurance and other shared expenses, so she's not refusing to contribute. But if I want my own monthly spending money I actually have to text my own wife and ask her to transfer it to me.

The hardest part though is how she's acting.
She barely speaks to me but she still visits my parents like normal. She checks on them, spends time with them and everything seems completely fine.

At the same time she's constantly posting photos from clubs, restaurants, weekends away and nights out with her friends. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but it honestly feels like she's trying to make me jealous or show me she's happy without me while I'm sitting alone in our house missing my family.

It's like she acts married with everyone else but divorced when it comes to me.

I honestly don't know what she wants anymore. If she wants a divorce I'd rather she just tell me instead of leaving me in this weird limbo where we're separated but nobody is saying what the future is supposed to be.

OP's can't win on here. I've seen posts where an OP puts every detail in their opening post and they get comments like "I'm not reading that novel blah blah". Then when they add further details it's 'dripfeeding'.

Be fair, if this was a woman saying her husband was having dinner with a male friend twice a week and that she had gone on two business trips away from home and it later transpired her male friend had gone with her on both trips, we would be telling her it was very likely an affair and to start protecting herself.

You have quoted the words “I never accused her of cheating “.
He is now stating it is obvious she is having an affair.
Do you see a disparity there?

How old is your wife and has she changed recently? How long has she had these friends (male & female).
Meeting someone of the opposite sex, just the two of them regularly (if they are) is not normal behaviour in most relationships

Yes because she has NOW left. He clearly had suspicions but didn't accuse her at that point. Have you nothing to say about the fact she's paying for the flat with OP's money?

With male and female friends...not just this one friend.

No it wasn't, he mentioned he didn't like how close they are but the story got a whole lot more dramatic when he wasn't getting the responses he was hoping for.

Your wife has moved on, she’s found herself somewhere else to live and has plenty of friends to support her and socialise with. She doesn’t need you anymore.

Get your wages paid into your bank account, speak to your wife and teenage children about access. Sort out your finances going forward.

If his wife has been going twice weekly for dinner with a man and the OP genuinely thinks she has had an affair wtf is he still going 'what is she doing? Why is she behaving like this?' and not changing his salary bank account after six weeks then what planet is he on?!

It's complete denial!

It's over. It's divorce solicitor time.

There's clearly some massive backstory and head in the sanding going on.

Communication seems to be the main thing lacking in your marriage.
She seemed to assume that you hadn't booked anything. She then booked to go out with others but didn't tell you.

On a practical level if the mortgage is in joint names then the lender will come after both of you for payment. It that obligation isn't met then they will start repossession proceedings on both of you and your credit score/ability borrow in future will be shit.

There’s a theme I’ve noticed of a ‘male’ poster, always written similarly, always with a different set up but similar themes. Slightly Americanised. A long suffering husband who is being financially taken advantage of by his wife. The wife is normally mean and unreasonable. I think the whole male friend and not spending time with her family on her birthday was supposed to hit a bit different on this post.

I fully agree @henryic

On Mumsnet, men are always the cause of any relationship breakdown.

And on Mumsnet, what a man posts is always picked apart to make the man the issue.

I'm going to take what you are telling us as a fair account of your experience.

This relationship is over - its almost irrelevant if its do to with another man, or if its all your wife'a fault, or its your fault - or both.

At this point, you need to take control of your finances. You need to stop your money going into your wife's account.

You need to discuss with your wife what is financially fair - be prepared for this to be difficult as whilst she has access to all your money, no agreement will be palatable. If you can't find agreement, you need to suggest mediation to find a solution. Ultimately, you need a lawyer to help create a financial agreement - and you need to divorce.

The main thing is to focus on where your children will live - be aware that staying in the marital home whilst your kids and wife moved out could be viewed negatively. So perhaps suggest that they move back in and you work on selling the house - or if she can't do that, you move out and you rent something. If she doesn't agree, at least you can say you offered it. That would be a lot cheaper than managing two homes.

You also need to be very clear about custody - and reach an agreement that ensures you are seeing the children regularly. If she won't agree to this, then you need to take her to court.

I'm sorry that you're going through this - but you are. And now you need to protect yourself so that you retain financial control of your own earnings and you are able to see your children.

Your Marriage is over. There may be someone else involved. Get legal advice.

There is a difference between adding more information and completely changing it.

Going from “I’m uncomfortable with the relationship” to “they are having dinner twice a week” to “they are having an affair” is not really adding more detail is it?

You sound very controlling. Why can't she go to an event you're not invited to? Why must you be included in everything? That's not healthy. Why don't you have your own friends?

Yes so the male was there and she spent her birthday with him instead of her children and husband. Was it male and female friends on the work trip?🤔

I think you need to ask the OP that or better still the OP's wife.
I was merely pointing out that your comment was misleading. She spent her birthday with friends.. not a friend.

This thread is utterly shameful. Come on MN, surely this level of sexism cannot be accepted, even here!

It's utterly disgusting that strangers should share accusatory assumptions that the OP was neglecting his spouse just because he is a male. The other way around would be jumped up so quickly, it would probably end up on the daily mail.

For those posters who think it is acceptable, you really need to face a look in a mirror especially if you are raising children because bringing them up with that attitude, regardless of their srx is only going to be damaging. Shame on you!

Mami ? Papa hurted her ?

I'm not allowed to.... there is curfew?

What country are you in OP and have you been drinking since your long, detailed, correctly spelled and grammatically correct OP ?

Or will you ignore my questions as you have other difficult ones ? Especially the why haven't you changed your wages/salary to go to an account in your name question?

You're losing credibility.

Unless the suspicions have grown since he started the post, they should have been in the OP.

I commented on what you had said.

The money thing is a different issue.

It’s quite ironic when my comment is about adding information that you want me to talk about something else that you hadn’t mentioned previously.

Yes the man OP suspects his wife is having an affair with. It's very relevant, not misleading.

It’s the intent behind each spouse having control of the finances.

Men often (not always) use money to control their spouse or partner. Women often earn less than their male partners and this often means that the woman will go part time or into a more flexible field when they have children, meaning more of an income disparity. Men use this money to stop their partner’s leaving. A woman cannot build up an emergency fund if she does not have access to her own money. If she is not on the deeds of the house, she also risks becoming homeless with her children. The final element in the abuse is the man would use the threat of homelessness to threaten to take the children from the woman.

In this instance, they earn the same amount. They are both on the mortgage and she has moved out with the children. She isn’t threatening that OP will become homeless. OP is in a strong position in that he has been left in the marital home, earns the same amount as his wife. His wife managing the finances benefitted OP because it’s something he didn’t have to think about without threatening his future stability at all.

Nobody, regardless of whether they are male or female, should be paying their salary into an account that isn’t solely theirs. If you have joint finances, this is what a joint account is for and you transfer money from your own account into there to the amounts agreed between you both.

But seeing how OP’s replies have escalated - this either isn’t genuine or it’s one where you can say the sky is blue and OP will still insist it’s green. So entirely pointless.

Your wife isn't having an affair that you know of, but your treating her like she is having one, can you see why, on her birthday she decided to go out with friends? Iv had my birthday ignored, and I spoke up and said how it made me feel and it's not been ignored again. To get to the evening of your birthday to be told surprise, without any illusion you have to be dressed, hair/make up done isn't a surprise it's a last minute decision, non priority. why should she feel ignored all day and suddenly happy with a dinner reservation? Had you sorted anything for kids to give her earlier? So she knew/felt acknowledged?
Woke up with a cup of tea, breakfast in bed, cards whatever your family does (what happens around your birthday? The kids?) makes you feel that your family appreciate you and think of you. Silence around birthdays are weird, even if your skint, you discuss what film and dinner to have in front of TV, walks. You can surprise someone with a necklace and still discuss plans for their birthday. Did your wife receive the necklace? See a picture of it? Cause it's coming across as lots of planning/surprise but she's still left without any acknowledgement it's her birthday, no present or plans until she's told you she is going out with others.
Stop accusing her if things you think are happening, and deal with actual events that are real. Non discussion of life events, how you feel about her friendships and why is she getting her emotional needs met by others rather than her husband?

You wouldn't be saying that if it was a woman saying this about her husband.

God some of these messages are awful! If this was the other way round no way would the Op be getting such a hard time! Actually read what he says rather than making up your own versions! She obviously checked out of the marriage and prioritised her friends whether male or female over her husband but could at least have the decency to tell him rather than take his money and ignore him. Does no-one else honestly think it is weird to arrange a birthday lunch with all your friends but not your family and not even tell them? Your kids and your husband???