My wife moved out 6 weeks ago with our kids and I genuinely don't know what she's trying to do

[henryic]

About 6 weeks ago me and my wife had one of the biggest fights we've ever had. It wasn't over one thing. It was months of frustration finally coming out.

I told her I felt like I wasn't a priority anymore. She always seemed to have time for her friends but whenever I wanted us to spend time together there was always something else. I also told her I wasn't comfortable with how close she is to her male best friend. I never accused her of cheating. I just said their closeness made me uncomfortable and asked if she could create some distance.

She told me no. She said her friends are her support system and she isn't going to change those friendships because I'm uncomfortable. She also said I'm only jealous because I don't have friends of my own which isn't even true.

The thing that hurt me before all this was her birthday. I'd been planning something special for months. Then she told me she was going away with her friends instead. I cancelled everything I'd planned and honestly that stayed with me.

After her birthday things just got worse between us. We almost never fought before that. We had disagreements like any couple but never anything major. I love my wife so much and that's probably why this has hit me so hard.

That night our argument got really ugly. We both said things we shouldn't have. Some of the things she said genuinely broke my heart.

I left the house because I just couldn't stay there. She called me three times during the night but I ignored the calls because I needed space. I came home the next morning and she was furious.

She packed some bags, took our three teenage kids and left. She stayed with her sister for about two weeks and then rented an apartment in the same city. Since then I've only been seeing my kids on weekends.

The financial side is another mess. My salary has always gone into her account because she's always managed our finances. We both have well paying jobs and normally we split the mortgage 50/50.

Since she moved out she says she shouldn't have to pay the mortgage because she isn't living here anymore. Instead she's taking what would have been her half of the mortgage from my salary and using it to pay the rent for her apartment because, in her words, she's only renting it because of me.

Sometimes I feel like that's too much. Other times I honestly just laugh because the whole situation feels so unreal.

She is still paying equally towards the kids, insurance and other shared expenses, so she's not refusing to contribute. But if I want my own monthly spending money I actually have to text my own wife and ask her to transfer it to me.

The hardest part though is how she's acting.
She barely speaks to me but she still visits my parents like normal. She checks on them, spends time with them and everything seems completely fine.

At the same time she's constantly posting photos from clubs, restaurants, weekends away and nights out with her friends. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but it honestly feels like she's trying to make me jealous or show me she's happy without me while I'm sitting alone in our house missing my family.

It's like she acts married with everyone else but divorced when it comes to me.

I honestly don't know what she wants anymore. If she wants a divorce I'd rather she just tell me instead of leaving me in this weird limbo where we're separated but nobody is saying what the future is supposed to be.

Sit at home while she went out with her mates?

Yes in some cases that absolutely fine. You could potentially go out with your mates too.

Just because you want to sit in, doesn't mean she is obligated to sit at home with you.

Maybe she feels like life is passing by whilst you stare at the TV and she wants more. And that's actually reasonable tbh.

How often are you able to speak with her face to face? Set up a time to do that, just the two of you when neither of you has other plans and you won't be interrupted, and talk things out and decide on next steps.

You can instruct your employer to switch the direct deposit to a bank account in your name only. (Do this ASAP, it may take a few days - if you're about to be payed they may be able to stop the electronic payment and issue you a cheque). You can still set up a periodic transfer of funds to your wife's account from yours for the agreed-on amount.

What else was I supposed to do? Sit at home while she went out with her friends? Not sure why you're puzzled by this; do you never spend a night in on your own? Or with one or more of your teens? Or invite someone over? The two of you must have alternated going out or not when the children were younger. (I'm assuming they are all old enough to be left alone overnight now or were out for the night themselves; if not of course you were wrong to go out). I doubt that one incident is why she left, although I'd understand if she was worried/annoyed that you missed her calls - you could have texted her to say you were safe but wanted some time alone and would see her/discuss things later.

Also, figure out how you can spend more time with your children; you should be doing half of the parenting even if it has to be from a separate household. Are they coming back home full time once they are back at school?

Stop waiting around for her to make decisions. As long as you're paying, this situation won't change. Take control of your finances, and get legal advice. Frankly, I'd suggest you initiate a divorce. If she'd rather be with friends all the time, that tells you where you stand. I'm assuming from your posts that you weren't invited to go with her, so she was planning to celebrate without you. You are a cash machine.

This! FGS before you do anything else change your bank details.

As others have said the first thing to do is give your work your own bank details and get them to pay your salary into your bank. Thats easily fixed.

The rest… I’m sorry but it sounds like there is a huge history here, you’ve clearly been together a very long time if you have teens and I suspect she’s been wanting to leave for a long time - hence the going out more with friends, building her own life and wanting to spend less time with you. The birthday thing isn’t the catalyst that broke the marriage, the marriage was already broken. It will have been something going back a very long time, with resentment building. I know that’s probably hard to hear.

Agreed, this is good advice.

I honestly don't know what she wants anymore. If she wants a divorce I'd rather she just tell me
But she IS telling you that she doesn't want you - with her actions. You're not her priority, and she has both physically and mentally checked out of the marriage. I don't understand what more you need from her to understand that she's already mentally divorced from you - you only need to practically divorce at this point.

You need to update your bank details at your place of employment so that your salary goes into YOUR account, not hers. You should seriously never hand over your salary, and the control of it, to someone else - not even a spouse. I don't know what possessed you to think this is a good idea. Money is freedom, and your wife is holding yours hostage because all of your money goes into her account.

Yeah i wasn't even invited.

This

She’s emotionally checked out. Your marriage is over. Get your wages paid into your own account and if you can’t afford the mortgage, put it on the market.
it is strange that your teenage kids willingly packed to their things and moved out within a day. Teens are not stupid so there must’ve been more going on that they were privy to to just go along with their mum.

Her closeness with her male best friend!! I mentioned in this post

I simply asked her to distance with him but yeah it turned around on me, like I'm "Jealousy".....

That night actually I wanted surprise her a necklace. Anyway I'm a fool to think she was free on atleast birthday night, wanted to celebrate with her birthday with Me

Yeah but - why? If she were on here, what would she be saying you've done wrong?

You need to start treating this as a separation. She is.

Regardless of who is wrong / right. We won’t know that and I’m sure there is more to the story, but you need a custody arrangement that gives you adequate access to your children and a better financial arrangement.

Id start with moving your salary to your own bank account. Advise her in writing of when you took over the sole financial contributions of the mortgage and that you would to formalise custody.

Every word of your OP, and actions since the split, have screamed passive and whiny. It’s not a good look. Take control and you’ll be better positioned in all respects.

This is really strange I’m guessing you’re American?

1. just change where your salary goes with work this is very straightforward.
2. you can offer your kids to move back with you during the week or a more equal split. Teens will vote with their feet though. You should be paying more than half towards them though if they’re not with you as much as she will have higher grocery bills.
3. ignoring someone who doesn’t know where you are is called stone walling and is an abuse tactic, it’s awful, my ex did this to me and if anyone does it to me again I will leave him. If you need space, you message back and say ‘I love you but I need some thinking time I’m safe and I’m staying at x friends and I’ll call you back in the morning at 10’ - don’t ever do that to a woman again and expect her to trust and feel safe with you or respect you.
4. seek some therapy to help you process the end of your marriage as you need to find a way to accept her choice and move on positively.
5. focus on your health, nutrition fitness and sleep as much as you can, this will help you emotionally and also make you look better for when you start dating.

Yes. This is insane. Salary goes into your own account. Then a joint account for bills. Bit honestly. Just put it in your own account and pay the mortgage.

But honestly - OP has handled this all terribly. Did they tell their wife they were planning a getaway for her birthday? You cannot be angry that someone makes alternative plans of there has been no communication.

Storming off and not answering their phone after a massive blow up row. Not great.

Demanding she ends friendships - look, sometimes distance where there's a risk of emotional affairs is a reasonable ask - but is that the situation here, and was it articulated in a reasonable way or as part of a general row?

OP is not obliged to pay the rent for the other apartment. But honestly - this sounds like they are already heading to divorce territory. They should get their paperwork on order and speak to a solicitor.

If this is all real, why are you being so passive?

Get your own back account.
Pay your salary into it.
Your children are teenagers and live in the same city - you can arrange to see them directly with them. Just text them and arrange to go for dinner or to an activity.

Take some legal advice and then arrange to sit down with her - perhaps with mediators to facilitate - and come to come conclusion on the long term financial outcome.

She clearly cares about and respects your - presumably elderly - parents after a long relationship with them so the fact she is continuing to speak with them and perhaps facilitate their relationship with their grandchildren suggests she is pretty decent really.
What do you want her to do? Refuse to speak to them ever again as well? Her problem is with you, not them.

Unless she's some kind of magician she didn't pack up three teenagers and move them out of their house out of nowhere, unless there is something else going on that they're very aware of and wanted to get away from.

This isn't about a birthday party.

Contact your employer and change the bank details for your salary. Other than that I think you need to accept that she is gone, not coming back, see a solicitor to sort out the financials and a divorce.

Really good advice here.

I don't invite my husband on weekends away with my female friends but that doesn't mean I don't want to be with him.

So you did not tell her you had made plans? You did not ask her what she wanted to do?

This is 100% on you. This is not a healthy way to communicate.

You have been asked a few times if you had told her you were planning things for her birthday and have not answered.
That makes me think you hadn’t told her.
So why are you surprised she made her own plans. Maybe she was cross that you weren’t doing anything.

Sort your banking out today that’s your priority so your wages go into your bank account and you can pay the mortgage and bills. Start officially organising when you see your kids every other weekend and a couple of nights a week or a 50 50 split week.

after that the new routine will set in and you can plan your future of where you will live and so on. Your marriage is over .

It's on me!! I'm wrong and I agree with that

So tell me, Do you spend your birthday with your friends, i mean all the day? There is no time your spouse or children?

I mean how would be okay to go in a party where your husband isn't invited? Let alone it's your own birthday party/dinner (i don't exactly what they planned)

Her both male and female friends were invited that party/dinner

"I simply asked her to distance" no way. No way on earth would my husband ever be telling me who I'm allowed to be friends with. No way. That is controlling behaviour and it can get in the bin. I make my choices about my friends. And the same the other way, I've never told him who he's allowed to be friends with. We're both adults and we both need different things from different friends. It's about trust and not wanting to make each others worlds and circles smaller.

"simply" simply?

"I'm a fool to think she was free on at least birthday night" NO SHIT! I don't keep my birthday free just in case my husband wants to surprise me with a dinner I know NOTHING about. We're grown ups so we talk. I plan something with my friends AND we can go for a nice meal with family BUT we have to tell each other WHEN these are so 1. they don't clash and 2. I don't end up doing fuck all on my birthday.

Also, our birthdays are the same week and we have lots of family and friend birthdays that month and we need to make sure that we're all able to be at the things we want to do.

It was my child's 18th recently and I didn't book a meal on the birthday because I knew that day of the week would be better for a party, I checked with my child that they were available on the other day that I wanted to book a restaurant and they kept that date clear. Magically, we all made it. The restaurant and menu were a surprise but my teenager was able to make sure it didn't clash with anything and had plenty of time to spend celebrating with friends. As it should be.

It doesn't matter that you were intending to give a necklace. That's a secret, how does she know? Were you expecting her to cancel a trip for a meal out with you?

There's so much more to all this than you're telling us.