My wife moved out 6 weeks ago with our kids and I genuinely don't know what she's trying to do

[henryic]

About 6 weeks ago me and my wife had one of the biggest fights we've ever had. It wasn't over one thing. It was months of frustration finally coming out.

I told her I felt like I wasn't a priority anymore. She always seemed to have time for her friends but whenever I wanted us to spend time together there was always something else. I also told her I wasn't comfortable with how close she is to her male best friend. I never accused her of cheating. I just said their closeness made me uncomfortable and asked if she could create some distance.

She told me no. She said her friends are her support system and she isn't going to change those friendships because I'm uncomfortable. She also said I'm only jealous because I don't have friends of my own which isn't even true.

The thing that hurt me before all this was her birthday. I'd been planning something special for months. Then she told me she was going away with her friends instead. I cancelled everything I'd planned and honestly that stayed with me.

After her birthday things just got worse between us. We almost never fought before that. We had disagreements like any couple but never anything major. I love my wife so much and that's probably why this has hit me so hard.

That night our argument got really ugly. We both said things we shouldn't have. Some of the things she said genuinely broke my heart.

I left the house because I just couldn't stay there. She called me three times during the night but I ignored the calls because I needed space. I came home the next morning and she was furious.

She packed some bags, took our three teenage kids and left. She stayed with her sister for about two weeks and then rented an apartment in the same city. Since then I've only been seeing my kids on weekends.

The financial side is another mess. My salary has always gone into her account because she's always managed our finances. We both have well paying jobs and normally we split the mortgage 50/50.

Since she moved out she says she shouldn't have to pay the mortgage because she isn't living here anymore. Instead she's taking what would have been her half of the mortgage from my salary and using it to pay the rent for her apartment because, in her words, she's only renting it because of me.

Sometimes I feel like that's too much. Other times I honestly just laugh because the whole situation feels so unreal.

She is still paying equally towards the kids, insurance and other shared expenses, so she's not refusing to contribute. But if I want my own monthly spending money I actually have to text my own wife and ask her to transfer it to me.

The hardest part though is how she's acting.
She barely speaks to me but she still visits my parents like normal. She checks on them, spends time with them and everything seems completely fine.

At the same time she's constantly posting photos from clubs, restaurants, weekends away and nights out with her friends. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but it honestly feels like she's trying to make me jealous or show me she's happy without me while I'm sitting alone in our house missing my family.

It's like she acts married with everyone else but divorced when it comes to me.

I honestly don't know what she wants anymore. If she wants a divorce I'd rather she just tell me instead of leaving me in this weird limbo where we're separated but nobody is saying what the future is supposed to be.

OP, it does sound like she was having an affair, whether it was emotional or physical. She was looking for an out and leapt on your argument to do it, that makes you the bad one for ending the relationship and not her. She moved out because she knew you wouldn’t, you’d try and stay and make it work, she didn’t want that. Get your wages paid into your account and start divorce and custody arrangements. Ignore the woman apologisers here, they just love to kick a man when he’s down.

I know what the replies would be if a woman reported on here that her entire wage went to the husband's bank account. Also that he ditched his wife and kids to spend his birthday with his female 'friend'. He then paid the rent on the new flat with his wife's money. Come off it.

Go and see a lawyer!

Paying your salary into her account and having to ask for your own money is financially abusive.

It is a sign of Coercive control which is a crime.
Not normal.

Move that money today.
Tell your solicitor about it too.
Not normal.

Joint account acceptable.
Having no direct access to your salary is plain abuse.

Wake up and educate yourself.

OP's opening post, there's loads of info. What are you talking about? You people are an absolute disgrace.

I told her I felt like I wasn't a priority anymore. She always seemed to have time for her friends but whenever I wanted us to spend time together there was always something else. I also told her I wasn't comfortable with how close she is to her male best friend. I never accused her of cheating. I just said their closeness made me uncomfortable and asked if she could create some distance

I would LOVE to hear the wife's take on this because I reckon it would be illuminating.

Oh I'm not remotely.

I'm not convinced she's having an affair.

I think the OP is willfully painting himself as the victim and abdicating all responsibility for communicating properly within a marriage of equals.

Yes, it would be different, because men and women are different. Women tend to be the ones experiencing DV and financial coercion and not the other way round. Of course it's possible this is what's happening here, but it doesn't sound like it. If this woman was so controlling, it doesn't make sense that she'd leave the home to live in a smaller place with her kids. Also the dripfeed of details about the 'friend' when the thread didn't go in the direction the OP wanted doesn't really look convincing.

The only times I've heard a man's salary being paid to his wife was when there was trouble with addiction/gambling/debt. Most companies wouldn't even do that - I'm not sure they'd trust someone without their own bank account. And he could easily get it changed if he wanted to.

You are!! Don't try to hide it

I wonder what the wife’s story would look like 🤔

Firstly have you arranged for your salary to go into your own account moving forward @henryic?

Secondly there is zero proof of an affair, you have decided the blame is squarely on this when it seems you have many issues including your clear distance from each other etc.

The woman is not living with the guy anymore.

He is not incapable of speaking to his own employers and changing his salary arrangements. OP has not said he's been threatened with child arrangements dependent on finances. Nor anything else dependant on finances.

Coercion is about threats if someone doesn't do something. Not simply where money is paid.

If it was coercive, I very much doubt there would be the same dynamics of moving out like this and allowing the kids to see dad. The curfew seems reasonable tbh just for the kids well being rather than because it's controlling. That sounds like Dad trying to create a villain tbh.

OP needs to see a solicitor and sort out own finances. After six weeks of doing fuck all apart from going 'what is my wife playing at' and still not grasping that hey she's serious I think there's definitely some fairly big issues with denial and lack of responsibility going on, on the part of the OP that wouldn't be present in a coercive relationship.

And not you are just trying to be goady.

Mate I'm not buying it.

You are just unhappy because someone clocked your motivation.

Your wife is totally out of order. Really cruel.
Create a new account for your salary to go into.
Request your wife returns the money she has taken from the joint account.
Remind your wife that she is jointly responsible for the mortgage (presumably in both names?)
See a solicitor and get divorce proceedings underway.
With legal advice, file an emergency court hearing for your children to either be returned to the family home. It maybe suitable for you to be granted custody, with limited contact with your wife or minimum 50/50.
Whilst your wife may wish to leave, she should not be dragging your children into it and only allowing limited contact.
(Whilst I accept we are only hearing one side of the story and there maybe a major backstory, on the face of the information provided, my advice stands. This is the same whether the OP was male or female.)

What drip feed about the friend? It was in the very first post. So now OP is an addict?😂

Going on the OPs complete tunnel vision on this thread, I'd quite like to hear it.__

He was just a friend he was 'uncomfortable' with her seeing in the first post. After a few posts he was someone she's having dinner with twice a week and then definitely an affair.

Not saying he is, just saying that it's highly unusual for an accounts department to agree to pay a salary to a different person's account. I assume he doesn't work in finance!

The irony of you accusing someone of being goady. You've poked and goaded the OP all through the thread. Why are you so aggressive?

The double standards on here are truly astounding! If this was a woman posting you'd all be on her side and telling her what an a*hole her DH was! Instead you're making out like OP has brought this all on himself.

Yes, there are usually 2 sides to every story, but from OP's post it sounds like he has tried to be tolerant of her increasing cold and distant behaviour, and the cancelled birthday plans were just the last straw! If they have always previously spent birthdays doing something together or as a family how was he supposed to know that this year she was going out with friends instead, if she hadn't told him?? I would have been extremely hurt if my DH had done this.

OP, fwiw I think your wife has already checked out of this marriage. Whether she is having an affair or not, I can't say, but at the very least it sounds like it could be an emotional affair, especially if she is prioritising spending time with him over you. And the secrecy surrounding the twice weekly dinners and work trips does sound suspicious.

Please get the salary issue sorted as a priority. It's crazy that it's being paid into her account! Ask her whether she is willing to work with you on trying to save your marriage, and if she is not or she refuses to talk about it, start seeking legal advice about getting a divorce and custody arrangements for your children. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

This is the script, but reversed genders, isn't it? If it was a woman posting we'd be saying there's someone else.

Because men usually trot out 'the script' when they want a new life with a shiny new partner. They don't bring their kids along for the ride or carry on hanging out with their inlaws - those are also merrily ditched as part of the 'out with the old, in with the new.'

It doesn't matter either way who is to blame.

The relationship is over.

The OP is in denial. Massive denial.

The last point stands out to me, it seems strange, but if your kids are teens presumably they have phones so you are in contact with them. What do they want?

This is clearly done.

Get your finances paid to an account in your name and contact a solicitor. Work out the CMS maintenance payment and just transfer that to her account.

Start getting estate agents in to see what is involved in selling the house to get things separated.

Set out your expectation of joint custody.

It sounds like communication is dreadful, and there may well be some kind of affair going on. But that is irrelevant now. You can’t change the past and allowing whatever has happened to effect you will harm your kids. Just work out how post separation life will work and start living it. Realise no matter how hurt you are, judges will not care in a divorce, custody won’t change because of it. Assume no one will care apart from you and move on.