My wife moved out 6 weeks ago with our kids and I genuinely don't know what she's trying to do

[henryic]

About 6 weeks ago me and my wife had one of the biggest fights we've ever had. It wasn't over one thing. It was months of frustration finally coming out.

I told her I felt like I wasn't a priority anymore. She always seemed to have time for her friends but whenever I wanted us to spend time together there was always something else. I also told her I wasn't comfortable with how close she is to her male best friend. I never accused her of cheating. I just said their closeness made me uncomfortable and asked if she could create some distance.

She told me no. She said her friends are her support system and she isn't going to change those friendships because I'm uncomfortable. She also said I'm only jealous because I don't have friends of my own which isn't even true.

The thing that hurt me before all this was her birthday. I'd been planning something special for months. Then she told me she was going away with her friends instead. I cancelled everything I'd planned and honestly that stayed with me.

After her birthday things just got worse between us. We almost never fought before that. We had disagreements like any couple but never anything major. I love my wife so much and that's probably why this has hit me so hard.

That night our argument got really ugly. We both said things we shouldn't have. Some of the things she said genuinely broke my heart.

I left the house because I just couldn't stay there. She called me three times during the night but I ignored the calls because I needed space. I came home the next morning and she was furious.

She packed some bags, took our three teenage kids and left. She stayed with her sister for about two weeks and then rented an apartment in the same city. Since then I've only been seeing my kids on weekends.

The financial side is another mess. My salary has always gone into her account because she's always managed our finances. We both have well paying jobs and normally we split the mortgage 50/50.

Since she moved out she says she shouldn't have to pay the mortgage because she isn't living here anymore. Instead she's taking what would have been her half of the mortgage from my salary and using it to pay the rent for her apartment because, in her words, she's only renting it because of me.

Sometimes I feel like that's too much. Other times I honestly just laugh because the whole situation feels so unreal.

She is still paying equally towards the kids, insurance and other shared expenses, so she's not refusing to contribute. But if I want my own monthly spending money I actually have to text my own wife and ask her to transfer it to me.

The hardest part though is how she's acting.
She barely speaks to me but she still visits my parents like normal. She checks on them, spends time with them and everything seems completely fine.

At the same time she's constantly posting photos from clubs, restaurants, weekends away and nights out with her friends. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but it honestly feels like she's trying to make me jealous or show me she's happy without me while I'm sitting alone in our house missing my family.

It's like she acts married with everyone else but divorced when it comes to me.

I honestly don't know what she wants anymore. If she wants a divorce I'd rather she just tell me instead of leaving me in this weird limbo where we're separated but nobody is saying what the future is supposed to be.

Yeah I'm sorry but this is where you lost me OP. Obviously no one here can definitely say she's not having an affair, but your tone comes across increasingly as you feel blindsided by your wife's emotional distance from you and have decided that the only possible explanation is that she's having an affair and the friend is the problem.
I think a lot of people posting here don't feel like you're really hearing them, and I just wonder if this is how your wife has experienced your relationship at times...

@henryic , from your 1st post, i genuinely thought you were wanting to save your marriage. But from subsequent posts, i am not so sure.
You seem to be wanting to prove a point rather than concerned about your marriage.

Are you saying your wife has been cheating? If she has, just say it rather than insinuate.
But i think, you know she is not cheating else you would stated that in your OP and would have included the twice weekly dinners and accompanying her on work trips in your OP instead of many posts later trying to insinuate that she has been cheating on you. So i have doubts about your wife being unfaithful.

What do you want from this thread?

You planned something special “for months”, which was a meal and a necklace. Pretty normal birthday stuff and does not take months to plan. If you think that is something special, there’s part of the problem.

You earn similar amounts but your salary has always been paid into her account as she manages it. You’re both contributing the same financially but she is doing all the management of the house, on top of her job. Another part of the problem.

She’s left you but still checking in with your parents. Still calling round. Still maintaining that relationship with your kids and your parents. Another thing left to her. Another part of the problem.

I imagine your wife has been asking you for ages to do more with your parents, your kids and the house. She’s just had enough. It happens so much. The woman spends years and years asking for more help, wanting to be seen by her partner, wanting to be appreciated by her partner. Eventually she snaps and leaves and it’s only at this point the man wakes up and realises she was serious. Of course she’s out having fun and you’re sitting in miserably. She’s lost the dead weight around her. You’ve lost the thing that made life easy.

The friend probably is a source of support for her and they probably will end up together when you divorce. He’s the symptom that meant you noticed something was wrong, not the cause.

Get your mortgage paid into your own account. I would argue at the minute both the apartment and mortgage are joint finances. Or she pays the apartment and you pay the mortgage but the mortgage is still split evenly on divorce.

There will be other reasons, you just can’t see them.

If she wants to end the marriage - which it sounds like she does - the whole best friend / affair or not thing is a complete red herring.

And that is also not true according to standard MN thinking. People who have affairs do it because they are arrogant, self serving and want their ego kibbles. Or does that only apply to men?

Men on MN are not allowed close female friends, but when a man tries to tell his wife that he thinks she is too close to a man, he is berated for being controlling and that she is only doing it because he is making her unhappy.

But, it's a man posting, so it must be his fault.

apologies if I’m wrong, but my first instinct, reading your post is that you ignore your wife when she comes to you.

You have left her sort out all the finances? Is she an accountant? Did she want that job or did you just give it to her? (along with all the other tasks that she was just ‘better’ at) ?

You need to face reality. You were not helping her carry the load and she is sick of you now.

Now is not the time to be figuring out who is to blame. Your wife has left you and your marriage is over. This has been brewing for a long time, and it's almost certain you weren't listening during all the many, many times she tried to tell you how she felt, because you thought it was so obvious she was in the wrong and you were right that she was bound to see how unreasonable she was being.

It doesn't matter any more who was wrong and who was right. Her male friend doesn't matter. What matters now, for you, is moving forward into this new life without her. Sort out your finances. Initiate divorce proceedings, decide on a fair shared custody arrangement. Be prepared to hear a lot of things that will surprise you, anger you, and that you think are untrue. Try to take them in. You have gone a long time without understanding how she was really feeling.

One question:if your youngest teen is eleven, how could you think your wife would go out for the evening with her friends when you were awol? And leave young teens at home alone? She's clearly not that irresponsible, yet you think she is. Do you even really know her?

She said her friends are her support system and she isn't going to change those friendships because I'm uncomfortable.

Im guessing youve been together at least 15 yrs - with a 13yo.

Have you been emotionally available to your wife in this time? Because my DH hasnt been and I rely heavily on my friends for emotional support and my DH is aware that as a result I spend time with them/weekends away etc. I have suggested counselling and for now he has declined but I have explained his emotional distance may ultimately end our relationship.

Why does your wife need to rely on her friends so much? Are you being completely honest with yourself about your role in this?

So apologies if you mentioned this fact about her male friend going on her work trips before but this is new to me and changes the situation significantly.

I think this new detail shifts things quite a bit. Everything I said earlier about communication still applies, but what you’ve added now isn’t a communication issue, it’s a boundary issue.

Going out for dinner twice a week with a male friend after work is already something most couples would need to talk through properly. Do they work together? Part of me wants you to say yes as there maybe a business reason for them being their together but still this would worry me given their relationship on the whole. But the fact she lied about him joining her on work trips, and you only found out afterwards, is a different level. That’s not “poor communication”, that’s secrecy.

When someone hides the amount of time they’re spending with another person, especially someone you’ve already said you feel uncomfortable about, it’s not unreasonable to question what’s going on. Even if nothing physical happened, the emotional closeness and the deception are the problem.

It also explains why you feel blindsided now. You weren’t imagining the distance, she was investing time and energy elsewhere and keeping you out of the loop. That’s not a healthy dynamic in any marriage.

It doesn’t erase the long‑term communication issues, but it does add a layer that makes your discomfort completely understandable. At the very least, it shows she wasn’t being fully honest with you, and that’s something you’re entitled to take seriously.

What I am struggling with though, is why she left with the kids. You had already gone, she could have had the home and given the kids stability and forced you elsewhere.

Also, are your parents aware of this issues with the other guy? I'm assuming they are trying to stay neutral for the sake of the grandkids and in the hope you reconcile but I think you need to talk with your parents about the situation, if you have not. If for no other reason than you need some support and hopefully guidance from people that know you well. You shouldn't be on your own with this, its too much.

And then on a practical point, get yourself to a solicitor to see what your rights and options are in the worst case scenario.

I would also give you the same advice I would give any woman, take copies of everything financial and work related for you and your wife, keep records of all communication and download or save to somewhere she does not have access. Minimise her access to your money and savings. Basically, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

And if you have some money, I would be tempted to hire a PI to find out the nature of your wifes relationship with the "friend", or maybe I have been watching too many American thrillers.

I am sorry sorry you are in this situation.

Your marriage is over.
I would suspect it has been for a while.
Highly likely she is having an affair and the the row was the excuse she needed.

Get your salary paid immediately into your own account.

Contact a solicitor and contact your morgage bank and organise a mortgage holiday.

Take control here.
She has an idiot made of you.

This is hard to accept but the marriage is so long over on her part.

I'm sorry but you need to get legal advice and give her what she wants, which is her freedom.

Taking her male friend on a business trip quietly?

Come on.
100% an affair.
Oh and tell your parents about her work trips with her boyfriend.

Stop playing nice.
Don't waste money on a PI.
The trips away are enough.

If it walks and talks like a duck, its a duck.

Don’t do that.

Oh dear. You must be so ‘shocked’.

The issue was lies and secrecy!!

They work in different fields, there nothing loop then into discuss important work thing's at dinner in restaurant

She lied and told there was nothing, if there was nothing then why lie? You knows what I tried do everything keep this marriage

Everyone telling me it was my fault that my wife interested in another guy!!

11 isn’t a teenager.

Mine absolutely would have fought me if I told her she wasn’t allowed to see her dad, but also, he wouldn’t ever have agreed to that either.

On MN, as a man, you have to realise that it's all your fault, as demonstrated here, only femaile feelings matter. Certainly sort out the salary thing, take out what she's not taken already.

She lied because she knew what your reaction would be.

“The divorce came out of nowhere…..”

You really really need to move away from the victim syndrome if you want to find happiness again.

Are you a victim? Probably to some extent, but in all likelihood she'd argue that she's the victim or you're not as much one as you are trying to validate.

Playing victim gets you nowhere at all. You need to make the shift to survivor mode and as others have advise already, take matters in your hands and focus on decision making.

It was weird you had not told her that you had planned things for her birthday

for some reason (you must know why?) she assumed you might have nothing planned and decided to not wait around but make plans with her friends instead

you seem weirdly passive in all this. is that indicative of a general attitude of passiveness and therefore her making lots of decisions to go and have fun without you?

The money situation is odd too, again very passive of you

"You earn similar amounts but your salary has always been paid into her account as she manages it. You’re both contributing the same financially but she is doing all the management of the house, on top of her job. Another part of the problem."

Yet if a man were to take all his wife's money and take control of the management house this would be seen as financial abuse instead of a burden the wife had offloaded on to her husband.

Thr "mental load" of financial abuse. Wtf.

How much have you been around over the years? How much effort have you made with your wife? How close did you feel to her, honestly, before the birthday row?

It sounds like she built a life without you. Often this happens when husbands are not around much due to work or maybe work & hobbies.

And you expected her to want to be with you on occasions like birthdays just because “she’s your wife”. Not because you have a great relationship or you put lots of effort in to feel close and make her feel loved. Just because “wife”.

If she feels closer to friends, she’ll choose to see those friends. This has happened. She’s realised she doesn’t need you.

Kids - curfew on school nights is normal. Can’t you see them earlier ? Collect from school and spend the afternoon with them?

If this was posted by women, you reply would have been different!!

Well if my aunt had balls she would be my uncle.

It’s your fault too. You must see your part in this?

Its not that the OP can't see them.

The OP doesn't want to see them.

Mine wouldn't.

None of them.

Oh come on. She ditched her entire family to be with this guy on her birthday. If that was a woman reporting the same thing she'd be told that he was having an affair, no question.