My wife moved out 6 weeks ago with our kids and I genuinely don't know what she's trying to do

[henryic]

About 6 weeks ago me and my wife had one of the biggest fights we've ever had. It wasn't over one thing. It was months of frustration finally coming out.

I told her I felt like I wasn't a priority anymore. She always seemed to have time for her friends but whenever I wanted us to spend time together there was always something else. I also told her I wasn't comfortable with how close she is to her male best friend. I never accused her of cheating. I just said their closeness made me uncomfortable and asked if she could create some distance.

She told me no. She said her friends are her support system and she isn't going to change those friendships because I'm uncomfortable. She also said I'm only jealous because I don't have friends of my own which isn't even true.

The thing that hurt me before all this was her birthday. I'd been planning something special for months. Then she told me she was going away with her friends instead. I cancelled everything I'd planned and honestly that stayed with me.

After her birthday things just got worse between us. We almost never fought before that. We had disagreements like any couple but never anything major. I love my wife so much and that's probably why this has hit me so hard.

That night our argument got really ugly. We both said things we shouldn't have. Some of the things she said genuinely broke my heart.

I left the house because I just couldn't stay there. She called me three times during the night but I ignored the calls because I needed space. I came home the next morning and she was furious.

She packed some bags, took our three teenage kids and left. She stayed with her sister for about two weeks and then rented an apartment in the same city. Since then I've only been seeing my kids on weekends.

The financial side is another mess. My salary has always gone into her account because she's always managed our finances. We both have well paying jobs and normally we split the mortgage 50/50.

Since she moved out she says she shouldn't have to pay the mortgage because she isn't living here anymore. Instead she's taking what would have been her half of the mortgage from my salary and using it to pay the rent for her apartment because, in her words, she's only renting it because of me.

Sometimes I feel like that's too much. Other times I honestly just laugh because the whole situation feels so unreal.

She is still paying equally towards the kids, insurance and other shared expenses, so she's not refusing to contribute. But if I want my own monthly spending money I actually have to text my own wife and ask her to transfer it to me.

The hardest part though is how she's acting.
She barely speaks to me but she still visits my parents like normal. She checks on them, spends time with them and everything seems completely fine.

At the same time she's constantly posting photos from clubs, restaurants, weekends away and nights out with her friends. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but it honestly feels like she's trying to make me jealous or show me she's happy without me while I'm sitting alone in our house missing my family.

It's like she acts married with everyone else but divorced when it comes to me.

I honestly don't know what she wants anymore. If she wants a divorce I'd rather she just tell me instead of leaving me in this weird limbo where we're separated but nobody is saying what the future is supposed to be.

"This is the correct issue"

Klaxon.

This poster started this thread to get validation that he was right to object to his wife having a male friend.

That's it.

We haven't bitten.

Hmm. Yeah ok.

Sort out you salary to go into your account then file for divorce your marriage is over

That's true. I have seen that here. It's a shame because over the years I've got on with my husband's female friends and he's got on with my male friends. We've known each other since we were kids so it would be bonkers to assume neither of us engaged with the opposite sex. I'd be creeped out if I thought my husband only communicated with women if they're attracted to each other or related. I like that he sees women as people!

But yes, you are right that there are certain firm mumsnet beliefs. I'd personally not change my tune even if the genders were switched.

Not necessarily. You are projecting - it is true that men tend not to leave unless they have someone else lined up, but the same is not the case for women.

What she did financially is shitty behaviour and I would put a stop to that straight away, but I'd be very surprised if there hadn't been major issues in your marriage for a long time.

As for the teenagers - depending on how old they are, they can choose where they want to live. And it takes a lot to uproot them. You can absolutely ask if they would rather come back and live with you. However, since they are currently NOT living with you the majority of the time, once you have your financials sorted out, you will have to pay your wife maintenance for them.

@henryic , i do not know if you are male or female but what i seem to gather from your posts is that you seemed to be fixed on this one argument and your partner's reaction to it.

I suggest (especially as your DC are teenagers) that your partner has been having issues for years, you just haven't heard her... you may have listened but you haven't heard your DP. Haven't acted.

Your DP IS NOT MAD. Unless, you have not shared that with us. No one moves out because of one argument unless lines were crossed during that argument - threats, abuse etc.

Your DP may not be communicating because she wants to see how you come to her about this. She's probably hoping you would reflect and come to some realisations.. i think that's unlikely to happen (your posts don't show any insight), you may need some help with this - to actually hear her.

Before you stop paying your wages into her account- get counselling for you both and try to resolve this. You say she's still paying towards the DC, she's still managing your monies as before - only difference is she's not putting her half towards the mortgage. So she is not all out. You both need to hear each other.

If you stop paying your wage into her account, it signals to her that you are done with the marriage.

All the best. Truly.

She's left you. Sorry, time to get your head around that.

No, absolutely not.
Can you not see that she might want to divorce you because of YOU, not because of anyone else.

Besides, that is irrelevant.
The marriage has totally broken down. This is not fixable. Why wait for her to say she wants a divorce when you can just go ahead and start that process?

All the time your salary is going into her bank account of course she is not going to ask for divorce or do anything - why would she when she has all the money?

@henryic I think there are a few big questions here that haven’t been addressed, and they matter just as much as the argument itself.

A lot of people are focusing on the dramatic moment when she left, but the behaviour around it suggests this wasn’t a sudden explosion, it was the end point of a long period where the two of you weren’t really communicating or connecting.

1. Your parents’ behaviour is telling. Most parents don’t suddenly start seeing their daughter‑in‑law socially while their own child is left out. That suggests they’ve seen tension or distance for a while. Their reaction doesn’t look like shock, it looks like something they were already aware of. You need to ask yourself why, if you hadn't been communicating it.
2. The kids leaving without protest is also significant. Teenagers don’t usually pack up and move out overnight unless the atmosphere at home has been strained for a long time. Their willingness to go with her implies they were already more aligned with her routines and emotional world. That doesn’t happen in six weeks, that’s a slow drift.
3. The birthday situation raises questions. You say you’d planned something special, but did she actually know? Planning something in your head isn’t the same as communicating it. If you didn’t tell her, she didn’t choose her friends over you, she chose what she thought was available because you hadn't shown an indication of consideration. It’s very common for people to rewrite this part because it hurts to admit the plan wasn’t shared.
4. The communication pattern seems off throughout. You felt she wasn’t prioritising you, but instead of raising it early, it built up until it exploded. You were uncomfortable with her male friend, but instead of discussing boundaries, you asked her to change her friendships. You planned something for her birthday, but didn’t tell her. You left the house during the argument, ignored her calls, and then were surprised she was furious. All of this points to two people who haven’t been communicating clearly for a long time.
5. Her behaviour now isn’t confusing, it’s consistent. She’s acting like part of your wider family, part of her friendship group, part of the kids’ lives… but not part of your marriage. That’s not accidental. It’s a choice. You’re not in limbo because she doesn’t know what she wants, you’re in limbo because she’s avoiding saying it out loud. Kindly, I think you have ostrich syndrome.
6. The financial setup is another sign of imbalance. She’s still managing your salary, still controlling the flow of money, still deciding what you “get”, but she’s no longer living as your partner. That’s not sustainable, and it’s not fair. You are an adult. You redirect your salary immediately and you sit down to discuss finances. Where you go with that depends or where this is going.

When you put all of this together, it doesn’t look like a sudden abandonment. It looks like a marriage where communication has been poor for a long time, and she emotionally checked out long before the argument.|

You can’t fix this by waiting for her to make a move. You need clarity, and you’re entitled to it, whether that’s counselling, separation, or divorce. Right now she has all the control and none of the accountability, and that isn’t a workable future for either of you.

BUT it also seems to me that you may have been internalising your thoughts and feelings and not communicating them in a way that would work better in a relationship. For instance, is the issue with her male friend that she prioritises time with him over you, a valid concern, and it hurts? Have you explained you do not not mind her having friends but you would like to spend quality time with her too? Have you considered why she spends so much time with her friends and what that says about your relationship and maybe you need to talk about what you both need from each other in the relationship? It sounds from your post that you assumed she would spend her birthday with you, maybe she was waiting for you to show interest and she felt you didn't so she made other plans. Sometimes you need to be proactive.

This marriage broken down because of her Best friend!! There is no other reason

You are absolutely blind to your own faults.
She left you because of YOU, not because of anyone else.

You have had good advice here. If you don't want to act on it, you are being foolish.

It's not true.

Do you know for a fact she is having an affair? Or is it just easier to blame everything on another man rather than face up to issues at home? After all, happy at home people don't tend to have affairs.

Your wife

Prefers to spend time with her male and female friends than you. When someone tells you who they are believe them

She is financially controlling as you have no access to money ( which you earned )!without her permission.

You suspect your wife is emotionally close to her male best friend. If you were a women people would be advising to "trust you gut / sneak a look on her phone and get your ducks lined up. No one objects when a wife is uncomfortable about possible emotional / physical affair with a female best friend / work wife etc.

As others have said the control of your finances asap and then initiate divorce proceedings.

"That's not true", how do you know that?

So interesting, if you had a great, involved relationship with your children before this then surely they would be pushing back more given they are teenagers? What exactly happened on the day they left?

She was going to dinner with her friend weekly twice after work!!

He joined her on work trip twice, i never knew about until i found out, she lied to me

Do you think 11 and 13 year old gonna fight with their mom? When she says she will be disappointed?

Okay then she why is putting curfew? I can't see them on weekdays

this is not salvageable! She is gaslighting you and subjecting you to financial abuse. Contact HR get your salary paid into your account ask your teenagers if they want to come home or stay at the flat make a solicitors appointment and start divorce proceedings.

If your kids are teens they must have some opinions/feelings about all of this?

It sounds like (based on what we can see through the small window you have given us) there have been years of things building up and poor communication and it's all now come to a head. This is likely the end of the marriage and your wife just needed something to blow up to give her a reason to leave.

Finances and childcare need to be sorted and you need your own support system. Your relationship with your kids is the most important thing as they will be forming their own opinions and you need to communicate with them. A mediator to facilitate communication between you all may be a good idea.

Are you in the UK and have asked the DC if they would like to spend more time living with you on the family home?

If she is going for a divorce...... than I was always been right about her closeness with that her freind

Careful OP. Over-egging the pudding won't help you with the validation you are clearly seeking 🤣

This didn't come out of nowhere. I'd guess that she has been telling you for a long time that there are 'issues' but you just haven't listened. You seem more focused on being 'right' than anything else. And self-reflection? Not a chance 🙄

Change your salary to go to your own account, as numerous people have told you. I know it will give you one less thing to moan about but it's easy enough to do.
The mortgage needs to be paid until the house is sold or one of you wants to buy the other out. It won't do her any favours if she chooses not to contribute but, either way, it needs to be paid.
Your marriage is done. If it is a surprise to you, you simply haven't been paying attention. It's time to go forward, to make decisions with that as the current state of where you are both at.
Time to communicate about the things that need to be sorted. Just that. Be grown ups and settle on a plan and stop dwelling on all the ways you've been wronged. What's done is done, time to look forward

If a woman's husband had magicked three teenagers up and out without her having any clue as to why other than she'd organised him a secret birthday celebration, I'd be as dubious there was nothing else going on as I am here.

You're deluded.

This all sounds like a massive miscommunication. Did you explain you had made surprise plans for her birthday when she suggested going with friends? Could you not have texted and said “I need space, let’s speak tomorrow when we are calmer.”
I would certainly stop your salary going into her account and attempt to meet for a civilised dinner and discussion.

Assuming OP has shared all the facts here I reckon the comments would be very different if 'wife' was 'husband'

This thread is weird. You seem far more bothered about this male friend than you do about anything else. Like the fact you haven't changed your banking details for your salary and contact with the kids.

Your marriage is dead. Being validated in your thoughts that she's been fucking about isnt going to change that.

Separate your finances and focus on your kids.