My wife moved out 6 weeks ago with our kids and I genuinely don't know what she's trying to do

[henryic]

About 6 weeks ago me and my wife had one of the biggest fights we've ever had. It wasn't over one thing. It was months of frustration finally coming out.

I told her I felt like I wasn't a priority anymore. She always seemed to have time for her friends but whenever I wanted us to spend time together there was always something else. I also told her I wasn't comfortable with how close she is to her male best friend. I never accused her of cheating. I just said their closeness made me uncomfortable and asked if she could create some distance.

She told me no. She said her friends are her support system and she isn't going to change those friendships because I'm uncomfortable. She also said I'm only jealous because I don't have friends of my own which isn't even true.

The thing that hurt me before all this was her birthday. I'd been planning something special for months. Then she told me she was going away with her friends instead. I cancelled everything I'd planned and honestly that stayed with me.

After her birthday things just got worse between us. We almost never fought before that. We had disagreements like any couple but never anything major. I love my wife so much and that's probably why this has hit me so hard.

That night our argument got really ugly. We both said things we shouldn't have. Some of the things she said genuinely broke my heart.

I left the house because I just couldn't stay there. She called me three times during the night but I ignored the calls because I needed space. I came home the next morning and she was furious.

She packed some bags, took our three teenage kids and left. She stayed with her sister for about two weeks and then rented an apartment in the same city. Since then I've only been seeing my kids on weekends.

The financial side is another mess. My salary has always gone into her account because she's always managed our finances. We both have well paying jobs and normally we split the mortgage 50/50.

Since she moved out she says she shouldn't have to pay the mortgage because she isn't living here anymore. Instead she's taking what would have been her half of the mortgage from my salary and using it to pay the rent for her apartment because, in her words, she's only renting it because of me.

Sometimes I feel like that's too much. Other times I honestly just laugh because the whole situation feels so unreal.

She is still paying equally towards the kids, insurance and other shared expenses, so she's not refusing to contribute. But if I want my own monthly spending money I actually have to text my own wife and ask her to transfer it to me.

The hardest part though is how she's acting.
She barely speaks to me but she still visits my parents like normal. She checks on them, spends time with them and everything seems completely fine.

At the same time she's constantly posting photos from clubs, restaurants, weekends away and nights out with her friends. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but it honestly feels like she's trying to make me jealous or show me she's happy without me while I'm sitting alone in our house missing my family.

It's like she acts married with everyone else but divorced when it comes to me.

I honestly don't know what she wants anymore. If she wants a divorce I'd rather she just tell me instead of leaving me in this weird limbo where we're separated but nobody is saying what the future is supposed to be.

Yes to salary going to your own account.

But agree there's more to this. For a start, you originally said it was a huge argument about lots of things then suddenly it was just because she was going out? Meanwhile, you're annoyed that she's got a social life that doesn't include you. Which may or may not be fair, it's very hard to tell without more information - her having friends and a social life is perfectly reasonable but obviously, if she's out 5 nights a week and you're at home alone, that's not. So without more context, it's hard to say.

The birthday also seems weird. I agree that it's odd she would plan a weekend away without you without at least discussing it with you first. BUT, at the same time, you're making a mountain out of "months" of organising a dinner and a necklace? Do you always turn relatively small things into these epic issues that need lots of thanks and appreciation from her for?

If a woman posted this it would be full of support, but you’ll get slated and poked for every wee detail.

Wasn't there a post on here a short while back about a man being sad his wife went out with friends on her birthday instead of just going with him to a restaurant?

When my husband and I separated (at my initiation), long marriage with teens. I just really needed a break from him for my mental health. I just couldn't cope with the stress of living with him. The constant pressure for me to reassure him because he could see that I had stopped trying. He just couldn't seem to understand that things weren't OK. My DH is apparently oblivious to the years I spent trying on our relationship, without him making any effort and I'm the bad guy for "giving up on us".

Honestly, stop obsessing over the party.

That is not what has killed your relationship. It is just the final element of whatever the back story is.

You don't need strangers on the internet to endorse your views on a party. You need to get your financial life in order and start building your relationship with your children.

People do birthdays in different ways
Some people barely want them acknowledged.
Some people want a big party with lots of people
Some people want to spend it only with a a spouse.

The failure is communication here, probably over many years

Get some legal advice

was it dinner or a weekend away? Why does the story keep changing?

Why are you waiting for her to make decisions?

move you salary now. Offer to go to counselling if you want to she’s very clearly checked out.

how much further does she have to push you?

Get your salary paid into another account for a start.

It really depends!

But my DH and I have conversations weeks out. And check what we want to do/ not do.

It's.my birthday this week. My DH has to work (I'm on A/L). My youngest is in nursery - but I'm going to a Lido with my oldest. In the evening, my husband is looking after the toddler so my older child can take me to see Spider-Man. The next day, I am catching up with my sister and mum, then going for drinks with my friends. I will have a birthday tea and camping with my husband at the end of the week.

We have a really great relationship - but this year, we're not spending my birthday together.

If he'd wanted a fancy meal - he'd have told me, and asked for my input weeks ago. And I'd have made sure I was free/ we'd have worked out childcare to accommodate.

But the key here is having an open and clear conversation.

Honestly, it sounds like she made plans / friends suggested plans because it looked like you had done nothing.

It’s very interesting that you are not answering peoples questions. Why havent you stopped your salary going into her account? Having said that she’s only been gone 6 weeks and in that time managed to find and rent an apartment with three kids?

So you ASSUMED and didn't talk to her and believing you hadn't done anything because you hadn't communicated with her she made alternative arrangements because you just expect her to be available when it suits you rather than having a conversation about what SHE would like to do and with whom.

Your plans for HER birthday were about YOU wanted to do with her not what SHE wanted to do.

Yeah. I think there's a long history of non communication and just taking for granted/assuming going on her rather than an actual grown up relationship.

Sounds like the relationship is over regardless of what else is happening . Stop your salary going into her account and seek legal advice asap .

Yeah. If this is real, there have been issues for a LONG time.

@henryic Surely sorting out your financials should be more pressing than arguing the toss with strangers on the internet about who did what on whose birthday?

Yup. This is it. I bet this isn't the first time this/ similar things have happened.

What stood out for me is that her friends are her support network. That didn't happen overnight, so has she not been feeling suported at home for quite some time. If you weren't giving her the suport she needed but also trying to isolate her from other sources of suport, I can see why that didn't go well.

You say that you both work, but she does all the financial planning. Are there other areas where she also took on the mental or physical load? Did you share household tasks, child care and life planning equally, or did you slip into additional child territory?

Either way, if she's taken the step of renting her own place, it's pretty clear she does not want to live with you, so not sure what the confusion is. If she was already visiting, providing care or checking in on your parents (more of the work load you transferred to her?), then it's likly she has a relationship with them she wants to perseve, and why shouldn't she be friendly with her kids grandparents? Not everything is about you.

You need to sort out your own banking, including paying your own mortgage and either buying her out or selling the martial home and splitting the equity. If her name is on the mortgage, then technically you are both liable for the payments, but as you are the ones living there, it's you who will be evicted if it's not paid. You need to talk to her and work out the split. Maybe once you start paying maintenance for the three teen, she will agree to keep up her half of the mortgage payment for a few months while the house is on the market.

Well this all sounds entirely made up 🙄 the original post is perfect prose and grammar, and all the replies just not quite right.

and no way in hell would anyone be so dumb as to put their salary into someone else’s account.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Sorry you’re going through this. its hard to tell without full context where exactly the issue lies as we can’t know your wife’s motives. I think in your position, I’d transfer your salary into your own account and send her your half of the mortgage etc (or vice versa depending on where the bills are paid from).

I would then see a solicitor to work out where you stand financially and also ask your wife to do marriage counselling. Ideally to save your marriage (from your perspective) but you could also say to her that it can help her end things amicably if that’s the path she chooses. If she refuses counselling, ask if she has a time period in mind that she’d like as “space”. If she doesn’t then I’d set your own time period and initiate a divorce after that. You could also get individual counselling to work things out from your own perspective.

What have your teenagers said to you about the fact they've had to move out of their home?
Have you told them they can move back? Have they asked to move back?
What has your wife told other people about why the teenagers have moved out too?

Are you Chabuddy G and she is Aldona?

who is looking after the three teenagers whilst she is out gallivanting and kicking up her heels around town like The Merry Widow?

I don’t understand why she is still getting your money yet you have the house?

You can be friends with anyone. Nobody said you shouldn't, and I never told my wife she couldn't have friends.

What made me uncomfortable wasn't the friendship itself, it was the closeness. That's the key difference.

No one expects a third person to become a source of conflict in their marriage, but that's how I felt about him.

As for the birthday, that's on me. I should have checked her schedule. I fully admit that was my mistake, and I'm not trying to defend it.

At the same time, she could have told me earlier that her friends, including her group of male friends and her male best friend, were planning a birthday dinner for her. I only found out at the last moment.

Hopefully you don't tell your husband about plans like that at the last minute. If that's normal in your marriage, then I understand why you see it differently.

At the end of the day, I just don't think any husband or wife should ever feel like they're the last priority in their own marriage.

The OP doesn't sound like their first language is English.

I don't believe months were spent planning a restaurant meal and a necklace (unless the necklace was specifically designed for her). If the wife organised a birthday event with her friends it suggests the OP doesn't usually celebrate her birthday.

Moving into rented accommodation, particularly with children, isn't easy and usually takes more than a couple of weeks. Teenagers happy not to live in the family home raises a red flag too.

This used to happen a lot back in the day and maybe still happens now in very traditional marriages. It sounds crazy given before feminism but often mums / wives would be in charge of the bills and housekeeping because the husband went out to work.
also in very traditional families where the dad might tend to spend al the wages in the pub or the bookies. I know this from actual experience and having been around in vintage days

Wait so you stormed out ON her birthday. Had you acknowledged her birthday at all up to that point? You said you wanted to "surprise" her with a birthday present that night. You were going to "surprise" her with a nice restaurant that night. But hadn't invited anyone else? And none of these surprises actually materialised.

Sound ls like you ignored her birthday. She told her friends, they said "right were coming to get you, get dressed." You got all sulky "you care more about your friends than me, I had all these surprises planned!" Then you stormed out. And imma bet that worked a lot better when your kids were younger and couldn't be left alone.

Why did your wages start going into her account? What caused that? Because my mums husbands wages go into her account, and that was entirely justified.