Is Mumsnet some people’s entire life? Or at least social life?

[Gerbills]

Don’t get me wrong, I love Mumsnet and have been using the site for many, many years. But I do still have a life outside of Mumsnet too, as I’m sure most other posters do too.

But there seems to be a number of posters, maybe just a handful who name change, for whom Mumsnet appears to be their entire life.

They get what seems genuinely upset when a poster doesn’t come back to a thread. Or they get affronted and furious when a poster doesn’t act on their advice and immediately block someone/leave a partner/go no contact, and they harass the poster with ‘what are you going to do about this then?’

They post over and over again, reiterating their view point in an increasingly rude manner, and become upset when an OP is rude back. I’ve seen one where a poster says that she’s been reasonable until now but is running out of patience with an OP who is reading the thread but not telling everyone the ins and outs of her life.

It is so bizarre. It’s just a chat forum. Comment, don’t comment. But you don’t know the person you’re talking to from Adam and it is so strange to get so deeply involved in a thread that you are rude to someone because they won’t tell you everything and do exactly what you think they should.

I’m disabled and while I do have a social life I find it very tiring going out and about and do spend far too much time on Mumsnet.

That’s definitely true. A scary number of people on here seem to have deliberately substituted online life for a real social life and seem to be unapologetically bloody minded about wanting to avoid interacting with anyone outside their immediate family.

Presumably there were always some people like this but it exploded during/after the pandemic.

Its no accident that “introversion” (which usually isn’t introversion but grumpiness and misanthropy) became fashionable when people spent months without seeing others but some people seem to have really leaned into it.

I even fit the real definition of introvert in that I'm energised spending time alone and I find these people scary. Like all those "I'm so edgy I prefer dogs to humans" folk.

Agree. Also obviously performative for people who claim not to care about other people.

Your post makes no sense, sorry.

I have seen a few threads from posters saying that they feel annoyed that they hadn’t received any acknowledgment from an OP for their post or that the OP hadn’t been back to provide further updates in a time that they feel is suitable. They talk about it being unfair when other posters have ‘invested time’ etc. 🤪

Some people seem to think that their advice is so amazing that it must be acknowledged, given thanks and an update given. I don’t know whether they have an inflated sense of self or some other issues going on but they need to understand that people don’t owe them thanks or updates and what they say on a forum isn’t that important. Some of the situations they’re responding to may not even be real, the OP may be busy with life, is just choosing not to talk any more about it or is just ignoring others.

I once posted asking for recommendations for something. I posted at about 7.30am before work and when I returned to the thread at 8pm after work, there were lots of people saying ‘is OP even coming back’ and ‘why do posters post and then not reply’. I was at work and then out with a friend! It made me think that it didn’t cross their minds that some people will be working or going out and doing something which may explain their responses.

eta I remember years ago someone moaned that an OP hadn’t provided an update on a poorly child after saying they were taking the child to hospital. Erm, maybe they were a bit busy looking after their child. But no, ‘I need an update’ 😂

I’ve often wondered if it’s the same person posting with different names.

You wrote, 'I comment on people's posts then forget about it'. However, starting a thread about the subject is the opposite of that kind of approach.

Yes, I forget about my own replies, as in, I don’t care if someone replies to me or thanks me. I’m not sure what that has to do with this thread.

Hi. I have a busy life but enjoy reading the threads on here as an escape.

Also it's free! It keeps me away from online shopping which is a vice when I have too much time on my hands.

X

I feel a bit like this. Im retired, kids grown, distant friends, solitary hobbies. I forgot about mn for a long time but have come back, mainly for conversations with other adults. I try to be thoughtful about responding, think I can spot the trolls and gfs. And dont let it become everything in my life. Can see how people can though.

You seem fairly invested for someone who is questioning other people's apparent over investment.

Interestingly I listened to a podcast recently that was talking about the psychology of conversations and they kept referring to the fact that verbal communication is much richer and better/more pleasant than written and that you cannot get the same connection from written communication, and one made a joke about how their teenage children refer to texting/messaging as "speaking to" someone and that not being the same as actually speaking to someone in person or on the phone, and I found it really jarring/surprising that the host and guest were agreeing so readily, because to me, I actually DO find texting (esp messaging) and speaking to someone feels the same, if we are having an engaged, back-and-forth conversation or a longer, deep talk.

I thought it was maybe my age, because I was exactly the right age where I spent the ages of 13-17 almost permanently logged into MSN messenger and chatting to my friends using that platform. But actually the host of the podcast is my age, and seems fairly geeky (for want of a better term). It made me wonder whether I am unusual in this. But I think this is part of what makes forums so appealing, even addictive to me. I type quickly and easily on a desktop keyboard, my reading speed is also extremely fast and feels like it uses up no effort at all, and so to me the combination of reading and typing is almost as fast as speaking and feels as easy as thinking. There are times when I am so cognitively exhausted that I can't seem to bring words together verbally, yet I can still type and read.

(Yes I am ND. Diagnosed ADHD at least.)

I am extroverted. I crave connection with people and I find conversation really stimulating/energising and because I find written conversations almost as good as verbal as long as there is exchange happening there, I think this is why I find forums so compelling because compared with IRL interaction, I could go and spend time with a friend or go out for dinner with a group and by the end of the evening I could really feel like I had connected with maybe 4-5 people. If the group is more than about 12 you never feel like you've spoken to everyone. But online, with a forum I can read hundreds of responses, on various different topics, in an hour or two.

That's not the same as connecting with people IRL, because there is a different kind of value in those 4-5 (or 12 or 20) relationships being maintained over the longer term, and this is why I've cut down my use of online forums in favour of RL interaction or just solo things like puzzles or watching TV or something because I think I was feeling like my social "need" was being filled by the online interactions which would reduce the likelihood I'd reach out to connect with RL friends and that weakens all the friendships. But in the short term, feeling like I have connected with or accessed the collective experiences of almost unlimited numbers of people is incredibly compelling and I haven't been able to completely stop (and honestly would not want to) ever since I discovered my first online space, which I think was maybe neopets guilds, LiveJournal and Harry Potter fanfiction.

Okay.

I very much agree with this. I maybe go on once a week. You’ll have members read something you’ve said and go on to an old post you said to be a detective or something weird and comment and repost . A lot of the posts I make- the core problem is true or the question - but the little details are changed so it’s not outing- I think some people genuinely post their real life that could make it fully outing. At the end of the day a lot of people on here are joking, attention seeking, bots, goady, bored, trolling. I take everything with a pinch of salt. It’s not the real world , and they’re not my friends / or maybe even people sometimes

YANBU see also the same posters who post many posts on the same thread each time they write essays, who has the time or actually cares that much? Thankfully MN isn’t indicative of the whole of human nature because if it were we’d be buggered.

I sort of get that it's nice to treat others with some courtesy and you do sometimes get posters that give genuinely heartfelt and informed replies. I understand why they'd appreciate some level of acknowledgement and thanks. Problem is the arsehole posters expect the same response whilst being unaware of being arseholes.

Yes, it's so annoying reading a thread with one particular poster who has to post their point of view over and over. The OP will often reply and address their points but it doesn't stop them.

I probably spend too much time on here - I discovered Mumsnet at some point after my husband died during locktown and I have to admit that it's helped me to retain what's left of my sanity.

I'm getting out and about a bit more than I did, thanks to the local gym, so I now get to exchange exercise info in the relevant section of the forum.

I agree. I really hate the idea some people have that an OP “owes” posters a response. It becomes quite creepy sometimes.

The worst example of this is when someone thinks they have discovered their husband or partner is cheating and posters deluge them with advice (often not sought) and then pop up a couple of hours later to say: “Any news OP?”

Its someone’s life, not Eastenders. You give your advice in good faith and you accept with good grace if responding to you isn’t their first priority.

I don’t think there are people like that on here at all, or at least, I don’t notice them. Who are you referring to can you give us some examples?

Well I’m on school holidays and have free mornings. Plus I’m an opinionated person! I love the posters who get involved.

Id rather read someone who takes an interest in something rather than the dire “I agree and will repeat the last 100 posts”

For the angry ones. Report them or disagree. Mumsnet is controversial.

I have a week off from work so came back and made my first thread on mumsnet today.

Yes for me as a single mum it really helped when they were toddlers as I was incredibly lonely back then, now I’d just lovely peace and quiet. That said, I didn’t see any of these issues you reference back then.

The ones I have really noticed are the ones 'did you post about this last week?' Or 'I'm sure you've posted about this before' or 'last year you said your kid was 9 and now you're saying he's 12?'

How do people remember all these threads? Do some people read every single one? Why do you want to search and read every single thread the op has started?

We don't really need exact ages. 7 and 8 are similar. Some people may change their children's ages slightly to avoid being recognised. But the op's are absolutely slated for lying, even when they do come back and explain! I read one once where the child had had a birthday so obviously gone up a year and one poster wasn't having any of it 🤣

Also, there are so many members of mn, it's not that odd that people can have similar questions or dilemmas. Some people do disagree and are adamant they've posted about this before. An example of this was reading many replies from a poster who really believed they had made another thread and should 'go back to their original thread and read the helpful advice they've been given' 😳

Do wonder if people are awkward on purpose though 🤔

One last thing... please, please, I beg, please read ALL (every word of the op's replies) before commenting (there's a bit to press that says See All) 😁