To stop contraception?

[Uyyyyr]

I know this is a deceit but I feel my partner has been deceitful and keeps moving the goalposts when I’ve completely invested in life together.

He’s 39 and I’m 38. For four years he’s been saying when I’m 38 we will ttc. I turned 38 in January and now another year is going by and it’s another excuse, the same as always, that he desperately wants children and if it happened then he’d be happy about it, but he wants to wait to actively try when he’s promoted. He’s already earning circa 100k and me similar. This is not a financial issue. He has a massive ego when it comes to work and he seems to think he can’t have a child until he’s at the top of his career. He was supposed to get the promotion last year but it didn’t happen.

I feel like I’ve been trapped. I’m too old to start again and if I come off contraception then I’m lying. He will insist on condoms if I tell him. What to do? Having children has been all I’ve ever wanted and he knew this within weeks of meeting me.

What to do?

Leave him. You can’t come off contraception and not tell him. If nothing else, it’s an appalling situation to bring a child into, unwanted by their father.

You feel you’ve been trapped so your response is to trap him?

this is so beyond unreasonable.

Decide if it is more important to you to stay together childless or leave and be a single mum through a donor. I wouldn’t trap him into a pregnancy either way, that never ends well.
have a proper chat about it with an ultimatum and get your ducks in a row if having children is a dealbreaker for you, it’s ok if you have both changed on this but you both need to be honest

You need to leave. He's conned you and wasted a lot of your fertile years. You can't just stop contraception like that.

Tell him you're not taking it anymore and make your plans to separate.

What to do?

End the relationship. It’s an awful thing to do to someone to deceive them into conceiving with you - but it’s also a horrible thing to do to the resulting child. He clearly doesn’t want children so best for everyone he doesn’t have them.

This is not a relationship to bring children into ffs.

It is utterly appalling to deceive someone into having a child.

You’re doing well for yourself so if I were you I’d tell him I’m having a child next year with or without you. I’m coming off contraception so if you would rather wait and continue to use condoms that’s absolutely your choice but I will look into sperm donation so that I can fulfil my dream of having a child before time runs out for me.

This is the course I’m taking, you’re welcome to join me or not as you see fit.

Give him an ultimatum, but ONLY if you're willing to follow through. Tell him either you start trying to conceive NOW or you split up

I went through similar but thankfully I was much younger.

But unless he is in agreement about having children then unfortunately you have to leave him.

Don’t burden a child with a father that doesn’t want him/her.

You cannot do this OP, is it truly vile not only to trick someone into parenthood but also for the resulting child to have one parent who doesn’t want them.

Respectfully, you need to open your eyes here and take some responsibility- he doesn’t want children, his actions have been making that perfectly clear for years now if at 38 & 39 you’re actually still only talking about trying.

If you want a child, it is long past time to move on from this man.

You need to be honest with him and have a long, tough conversation about this.
does he understand a woman’s biological clock? Also not to be that one but your fertility declines with age and it might not be that easy to conceive.

If you want a child more than the relationship with him then you need to leave him. You absolutely cannot trick him into pregnancy.
what if you came off contraception and then still struggled to conceive and needed help, you wouldn’t be able to go to doctors and explain the length of time trying as your partner wouldn’t know that was the case.

The only way here is honesty. He needs to be honest with you on whether or not he actually wants a child also or is stringing you along

Cheating? Good luck...

Be honest and tell him it's now or you will move on.

I would say I’m not willing to wait another year so we get divorced as he’s broken his promise or you start trying. He will either agree to a child or you will break up and you can try solo without him.

Be warned that if you break up he will probably marry a younger woman and have kids with her in about 5 years.

You're both earning 100k and you're not married yet, I'm assuming by the use of partner not husband?

On top of the fact that this is completely immoral and unethical to consider stopping contraception without telling him so he can make an informed choice, you'd not be automatically entitled to certain things should one of you die. - caveat I know the law has recently changed for unmarried couples who have cohabited for 3 years or more, but I imagine it is still a beaurecratic nightmare.

You're putting your desire for a child over considering the realistic implications for the future.

Just leave him if he is not holding up his part of the deal.

If you earn £100k, you are absolutely in a position to have a child on your own. Is that an option?

Beyond that, it sounds like it’s time to have a frank conversation. Having children didn’t negatively impact either of our careers. I got a PhD after we had our first. Dh started a very successful business when our eldest was 2 months old. Our income is probably 6x what it was pre-children (eldest is 13). It sounds like he’s possibly using career achievement as an excuse. It sounds like he’s possibly needs some honesty. You want to start a family or you’re moving on.

This x 10000

Sorry he has deceived you but if he can do that he is not someone I'd want in my child's life or to be responsible for my child.

It’s a different opinion, but if the relationship is good in other ways, and he says if it happened he’d be happy, I’d go for it! And if it doesn’t work out at least he’s a high earner, better than some waster or a donor that doesn’t have to contribute.

And you are a good earner so you will manage if you were to split.
If having children is all you ever wanted, and that’s in reach, I would do it. He’s probably just scared and starting again is a risk too.

Before I get flamed, I’m not saying this is an ideal situation, but also wouldn’t put my dreams in someone else’s hands. A relationship can be perfect and then it can change overnight, no one knows what’s ahead.

If you want a child, definitely come off contraception now, I was surprised by how long it took my body to adjust after coming off the pill. You do need to tell him though. If he decides it's not for him end it and pursue solo parenthood via sperm donation.

Honestly, tell him you are leaving him. It may already be too late. Tell him immediately he needs to use condoms. But either way you plan to split up with him and use a sperm donor.

It's disgusting how many women think it's ok to lie about being on contraception. 40% of the voters think the OP would be reasonable to lie about being on the pill, but if a man pretends to use a condom it's a crime.

How is it justifiable to have kids by deceit when the father doesn't want them?

Be honest, tell him and have a child with someone that wants kids.

Why would you want a dc with a workaholic anyway ? Dc would hardly know him.
Though cms would be plentiful... If he finds out you trapped him he could abandon you both .

Ignoring the morality (or lack of)

Bluntly, as a 40 something yr old women that has seen the coal face of men's parenting inadequacies....

you want kid(s)...from a purely pragmatic/ you-centred pov I'd recommend you sack off this relationship, find a sperm donor and go it alone. Now.

It will 💯 be easier than farting about with a half in half out man baby for 18+ years.
The absolutely nonsense I have seen from reluctant fathers (not my own dh but friends husbands) defies belief. Most of my friends would openly say they wished they'd knocked the relationship on the head and gone it alone.

Won’t be popular .. but I would do it, just be prepared to do it alone. He’s strung you along for 4 years.