To stop contraception?

[Uyyyyr]

I know this is a deceit but I feel my partner has been deceitful and keeps moving the goalposts when I’ve completely invested in life together.

He’s 39 and I’m 38. For four years he’s been saying when I’m 38 we will ttc. I turned 38 in January and now another year is going by and it’s another excuse, the same as always, that he desperately wants children and if it happened then he’d be happy about it, but he wants to wait to actively try when he’s promoted. He’s already earning circa 100k and me similar. This is not a financial issue. He has a massive ego when it comes to work and he seems to think he can’t have a child until he’s at the top of his career. He was supposed to get the promotion last year but it didn’t happen.

I feel like I’ve been trapped. I’m too old to start again and if I come off contraception then I’m lying. He will insist on condoms if I tell him. What to do? Having children has been all I’ve ever wanted and he knew this within weeks of meeting me.

You can’t stop contraception and not tell him. I think you must know that. That would be an awful thing to do. It would also be stupid to chose this man as the father of your child. He doesn’t want a child, that’s his choice, why would you consider doing that to a child. You can give him an ultimatum and you can stop taking contraception as long as you tell him. You can be as angry as you like towards him but you still can’t deceive him.

It’s ok to choose to have a kid on your own but you need to do it properly not by tricking someone into it.

You can't do that. Don't bring a child into the world through a lie

Take steps to end the relationship and move on with your life without him...he is stringing you along.

He has cruelly wasted your more fertile years. But you still can’t baby trap him. The best option is probably leave him and find a sperm donor. Or I guess you could try telling him that’s what you’re going to do and see his reaction. Though he may well then always resent you if he does agree to try for kids.

Have your baby, come off contraception. Maybe controversial opinion, but be prepared that your relationship may not survive. I would rather have a baby than leave it at a time when it’s not impossible.

Get rid of the man and have a baby on your own. You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble.

Yabu. You tell him your stopping. If he insists on condoms then he sorts it.

Have a hard think if you want to stay woth him or have a baby by yourself

Leave and get donar sperm. I have a shit husband and I’m so jealous of my single mum friend who has a baby with Dutch speem. She makes all her own decisions and doesn’t have to live with an angry man.

Make an appointment with a fertility clinic to talk options and tell him you are going to do a cycle of IUI using donated sperm as you so much want a child, you'd prefer to be biological parents together with him but he is showing unwilling and taking away that opportunity, so you've had to make your own choice. He can choose to stay, leave or be involved biologically if he'd prefer. It makes it very clear that you want a child, takes practical steps towards achieving that, gives him a chance to opt in or out, and involves no deception. Expensive though.

Yup, absolutely revolting. I can just imagine the responses if the see a were reversed. And yes, before anyone starts, I realise they’re notbwxactkybthecsamexsituation and the man doesn’t endure the pregnancy and birth.

If you do, you need to be prepared to be a single parent. He’s obviously changed his mind, and that’s unfair and he should absolutely tell you, but if you get yourself pregnant he will 100% be suspicious, and likely leave (which would be the right thing to do, a relationship without trust is not going to be a healthy or happy environment for a child).

Children don't ask to be born. I understand your desperation but it's really awful to consider doing this. It's not fair on the child.

Leave him & pursue your own path.

Why would you take the risk of a donor? You will know nothing about this person, genetics, personality, talents, weaknesses. You haven’t even interviewed him for one night in the pub, the origin story of many. You will leave your child without any knowledge of the other side of their heritage and without even knowing if they have siblings or how many.

You are in the last chance salon if you want to have a baby. You were put there by a man stringing you along. You’re not the first woman to be treated this way. You know the solution. You’ve told us. Carpe Diem!

OP, I have been in your position and believe me, your partner doesn’t want children. This happened with my ex, although he strung me along for almost a decade. He still has no children, so clearly just wasn’t that fussed.

It took me years to find someone else, and have had a lot of age related issues conceiving. I am still childless.

If being a mother is your priority, and you have suitable support, then you need to go it alone tbh.

No it's awful, just as a man stealthing a woman is wrong. People shouldn't be having sex really if they're not in agreement about what they'd do if pregnancy happened-if one of you wants a kid and the other doesn't, you should both find other partners.

It is safe if you use a clinic and children can get in touch with the donor later now.

We said find a donor, not shag a random. Very different.

Fertility clinics are great, but their goal is to get you pregnant. They are not conducting in depth interviews of prospective donors to achieve some level of compatibility, they are just glad to access some sperm now that donations are down. Sure they may screen for genetic illness etc. (or may not), but personally I think it enhances the chances of compatibility with a child if you find the man somewhat compatible. For example, if you and the father have a similar sense of humour, or a genuine interest in sports or . . . there may be a better chance of sharing similar with your child. The older I get the more I see nature, genetics, plays a huge part in how we develop. I wish it wasn’t so.

This is not to disparage anyone’s choices. It’s just I can see the advantages of pregnancy with a known person, even if he elects not to be involved, rather than a complete unknown random donor. The OP tells us she has a good income. If she doesn’t need financial support, she won’t be depending on CMS, which means a less complicated situation in the future. If she does become pregnant the BF may leave, but considering he has strung her along for years, that is not an unlikely outcome anyway.

I can understand why you want to deceive him but it’s the wrong thing to do. Whatever you decide to do, it sounds like your relationship won’t survive this.

Defo agree that you should sack him off and get a sperm donor. He is stringing you along; take some control back. He is an awful man to do this given he knows how important it is to you

How moral and wonderful most comments are. And how utterly fake and virtue-signalling. So he gets to play dirty, waste your reproductive years and you have to be honest, upstanding and you have to leave him and go for sperm donation? Naaa, I would do what you were planning to do and then tell him to fuck off - you are on 100K, you will be fine. You have been serving his needs long enough, it is his turn now. You don't play moral with immoral bastards, and he is one.

Got to be honest it would be very tempting for me to trick him because he has done it to you.

Read the room he doesn’t want kids
leave and go down the donor route

No I would never ever do this nor ever suggest it, it is not about you but the poor child you would put in this mess

Go for it OP, just make sure you have a plan for single parenthood. Of course it’s better to have a kid with a man who is solvent and you’re married to than a complete stranger. The pill can fail!

I'd have left him a long time ago and had found myself someone else to have children with.

Plus, I would not have children without being married first for my own financial security. Especially not to a man who has strung me along and not kept to his word, if he wanted kids he would have had them by now.

You're in a powerful position to leave him to become an old, childless bachelor and live your life exactly how you want it. He has deliberately strung you along knowing that etc after 38 will be difficult.

He has deliberately sabotaged your chamces in becoming a mother. Why would you want to spend your life with someone like that? I can guarantee you he'll do a runner after finding out you're pregnant.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/