To stop contraception?

[Uyyyyr]

I know this is a deceit but I feel my partner has been deceitful and keeps moving the goalposts when I’ve completely invested in life together.

He’s 39 and I’m 38. For four years he’s been saying when I’m 38 we will ttc. I turned 38 in January and now another year is going by and it’s another excuse, the same as always, that he desperately wants children and if it happened then he’d be happy about it, but he wants to wait to actively try when he’s promoted. He’s already earning circa 100k and me similar. This is not a financial issue. He has a massive ego when it comes to work and he seems to think he can’t have a child until he’s at the top of his career. He was supposed to get the promotion last year but it didn’t happen.

I feel like I’ve been trapped. I’m too old to start again and if I come off contraception then I’m lying. He will insist on condoms if I tell him. What to do? Having children has been all I’ve ever wanted and he knew this within weeks of meeting me.

I'd leave and go it alone.
You are on the clock, he is not. He will hold off until he achieves his goals, then you will be infertile and he will leave you for a younger woman who can give him children when he's ready.

There is no rush for him. He can have children when he's ready.

You need to take your life into your own hands.

But I wouldn't tie myself to this man with a child. Leave and get a sperm donor.

What about couple therapy? You dont want to “trick him” into parenthood. Therapy will help you both face the difficulties in your couple for the best.

I’m not sure how different this is to if a man either took off a condom during sex or poked holes in it to get a woman pregnant? In my mind it is no different. And if this were a man posting this very same thing - wanting to trick their partner into having a baby then you can guarantee this would be pretty close to 100% agreeing he would be unreasonable and would absolutely have his arse handed to him on a plate, and everyone saying how that is not consent. Yet somehow, because it’s a woman, many have sided with her, if the vote is to be believed.

op, you are earning well, if a child is what you want and you don’t think your partner is ever going to agree then you need to make a choice. Personally I’d tell him now, you want a child and if he doesn’t then you will be leaving and doing it alone.

And you’d say the same to a man who came on here who was planning to take the condom off or poke holes into a condom to trick his partner into getting pregnant? You’d tell him to go for it? She has had the choice to stay or leave over the past four years and she has chosen to stay despite him moving the goalposts. It seems to have happened a few times but she chose to stay. Nobody forced her. She could have issued him an ultimatum if she’d wanted to, but she hasn’t. But if she feels like this now then she needs to decide to leave.

Because this is Mumsnet, and having a baby at any cost, in any situation, by any man, is the most wonderful, natural thing in the world. And, if a man succumbs to his disgusting, primitive desires and ejaculates inside a woman, regardless of whether he believes she is using contraception, more fool him!

Absolutely disgusting

This better than deceiving him

I’d stop contraception now - it’s your choice what you put in your body. Tell him what you’re doing and you’re thinking of leaving.

Yes I think this is the answer

Fucking hell, this 'have a baby by any means by any man' mentality is abhorrent.

I would ditch him and get a sperm donor . It’s selfish you are at a stage now where you may not be able to get pregnant easily

Cant you just stop the contraception, become pregnant and then explain it’s contraception failure

Unfortunately no contraception is 100%.

Then just explain your opposed to termination for your personal reasons if he tried to suggest it

Ultimately adults should know this can be an outcome of sex

She can certainly do that. Could a man who wants a baby poke holes in his condoms and explain it's a contraception failure?

Unfortunately no contraception is 100%.

Ultimately adults should know this can be an outcome of sex.

WTAF

Well the only 100% way of avoiding pregnancy is not having sex

Yes agreed - condoms can fail as well

If a man or woman is having sex - then a possible consequence of sex is pregnancy. No contraception has 100% efficacy even with perfect use. So yes any adult engaging in sex - man or woman need to be aware that a baby is a possible consequence of the decision

Why should it always be women who are expected to contracept with all the associated side effects

That’s an entirely different discussion to somebody betraying the trust of their partner by deliberately ceasing contraception, in an attempt to get pregnant without informing the other person.

she is at the latter end of her fertile years and been lied to / betrayed by him. it seems he’s the one not been so honest/ transparent and stringing her along. Hes been the unethical one.

OP - I do think you accept that if you had a baby, it’s a bit of a gamble of whether he would stay around or not. And be prepared for single motherhood if he left and how you would manage this (but also hope he might adapt and be a brilliant Dad)

Also consider how you’d feel if you never have your baby because of not trying. imagine if you were a child free old lady - would you regret that you hadn’t tried?

YABU. Don’t stop the contraception behind his back. As the old saying goes two wrongs don’t make a right. It would be a really shitty thing to do, although I understand why it has crossed your mind. There’s every chance he may even suspect that’s what you’ve done if you did get pregnant, even though contraception isn’t 100%, which could cause a multitude of other issues in your relationship and now you have a baby to look after too.

Your only option is to leave if he’s not willing to budge. Talk to him and tell him that you are considering leaving due to this, that he keeps moving the goal posts and you’re concerned as you’re getting older that it’s never going to happen. See what he says and go from there, it may be a shock for him to hear that divorce is a possibility due to this, it might get him to realise how important this is for you and he might finally put work ambitions aside and agree to ttc, or not in which case you go your separate ways as you both want different things.

Going down the sperm donor would then be an option if you did leave, rather than panic and potentially get into a relationship with the wrong person to have a baby. Being a single parent is hard, but it sounds like you would be able to comfortably live and support a child on your own.

I’m sorry op this sounds incredibly frustrating for you.

Tricking him into having sex with you without contraception is rape. If you don’t believe me look it up, it’s rape by deception.

He’s trapping you with empty promises
you want to trap him by getting pregnant
split up and make other plans
one way or another your relationship is doomed

Don't deceive him. Just tell him you aren't wasting any more of your fertile years. Either he agrees to start TTC with you or you split up and conceive without him. If you struggle to have a baby because you're fertility is declining you'll resent him hugely.

My friend once told me never to wait until you're in the perfect position to have a baby or you'll never be ready. I don't know why his career matters in all this anyway, he'll get 2 weeks off for paternity and then you'll end up doing the rest no doubt.

Also consider how you’d feel if you never have your baby because of not trying. imagine if you were a child free old lady - would you regret that you hadn’t tried?

Trying in this case means trapping a man into having a baby he doesn't want by lying to him. It's reprehensible.

It’s horrific isn’t it. Imagine if the genders were reversed!

She has been free to leave this man and find another, willing, man to father her children at any time. She has not ‘earned’ the right to force fatherhood upon him for any reason.