WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

If you have kids below school age why are you paying school fees?

In 2026, the estimated market value of a stay-at-home mom ranges between $184,820 and $333,000 per year in the United States, while international figures like the Royal London Ireland Survey value the role at €60,112 annually. These figures are calculated by matching the extensive, multi-role daily tasks of a homemaker against the current competitive market replacement costs for those services.
The Financial Breakdown of the Role
Because a stay-at-home parent effectively acts as a 24/7 worker without traditional shifts or sick days, the total value skyrockets when broken down into individual job tracking

It's taken me a while to figure out your situation and I'm still not sure I have all of it straight. So apologies for any mistakes.

People have made a valid point that you can't afford private schooling for two on just one salary of £150K. At first I was going to say that the first thing to tell your DH is that if he leaves his job then private schooling is off the table until he has another equally well paid job. But actually it needs to be off the table anyway. As a couple you can't afford it. If you've paid a deposit then you may have to write off that deposit, or take the first term and prepare to move DC to state education after Christmas if DH doesn't have a job before the next installment is due. But even then you can't really afford to send both kids.

And the way you've been running your finances as a couple isn't viable. If DH's income is the only family income then you need sight of his income especially since he has lied about it before. You can't budget correctly otherwise. If he doesn't want to show you his personal account then his salary needs to be paid directly into the joint account instead. If he has more than just the one monthly source of income then you absolutely need to see all of his accounts. You also need to see his credit card spending. And you said you don't have access to the account that the bills are paid out of. That needs to change, pronto. You should at least have sight of the statements, incomings and outgoings.

There's this chunky debt. What is his plan for paying it off? Do you know for sure how big the debt is and that he is making more than minimal payments? And that he is not running up more debt? How long will it take to pay off? Again, I would say that private school, holidays and other luxuries are off the table until it's all paid off. And your DH can't afford to leave his job without another job to go to.

You need to seek advice from a debt charity, with DH or without him. Your family is clearly being badly impacted by debt and poor financial management.

I don't know whether a divorce will help you at all. You've been relying on DH's word and you already know he's prone to lying under pressure. First and foremost you need to find out the real situation.

You getting a job might not cover your full expenses but (depending on childcaee costs) it might help you bring the debt down and cover some expenses, taking some of the pressure off DH. Unfortunately you have let your DH take total charge of the family income when he isn't capable of doing that by himself (or maybe not at all). If your marriage is to work out then finance - income and spending and budgeting - needs to be a shared responsibility based on openness and honesty.

Those social media posts that tot up the cost of a full-time nanny, cleaner, cook, driver, etc and then say that's what a SAHM would cost are so embarrassing.

I know exactly what me not being a SAHM cost. Nursery fees, and now wraparound care. It's not nothing (especially the nursery fees) but nor is it anything like the bullshit costs that people claim they are saving the family by not working.

OP in your situation I would also be threatening divorce, whether I’d go through with it I don’t know but it is not ok to just pack in a high paying job over a disagreement, sometimes you just have to hold your tongue and get on with it while you look for another job. In your situation I’d be looking for a job yourself so if you want to leave in future you’re in a better position, even if that initially means paying out more in childcare than you earn.

Maybe a 2k mortgage payment per month for London houses (I don’t live in London). That’s still £8k left each month!

Op, regardless of whether you get a job, put your kids in state school, your current situation is not sitting well with you. The giving up of the job has again put your household at risk. He did it before with the secret debt. If you want to stay with him he needs to give you control over the bank accounts and paying the bills. But you cant stop him from having a secret bank account. For whatever reason, living the nice life of being a big earner and having a sah wife is a thing for him. You know that now. You know he cannot manage money. The more he earns, he will always overspend. What you do with that knowledge is up to you

Because he hasn’t had to rush off to pick the kids up from nursery, or take the day off because the kids are sick or whatever. It frees him up to focus solely on his career. It makes his life easier because he does no domestic activity.

Honestly, stop stay at home parent bashing. Lots of people’s mothers and grandmothers did this. OP and her husband made a choice, she was it was mostly his dream. Yes with hindsight it’s not a good idea, but the suggestion that OP hasn’t supported her husband by doing his cooking, his cleaning, his admin, his washing and most importantly raising his kids is bang out of order.

I would definitely have issue with him quitting before having a new job to go to and plan for covering the household expenses.
I would also have massive issue with running up £150k cc debt due to lying about salary.

I don't think divorce will help your situation much though. How will outgoings be paid then?

Key question is how is the marriage otherwise?

A slave to a job does not mean his employers treat him badly. However all the travel usually means he’s paid highly because the job is inconvenient, not because he’s highly skilled. Experienced accountants, lawyers insert other profession would not find it difficult to earn that sort of money without travel.

and he’s a slave to it because he has no other wealth- he’s not rich.

Swap then. You earn the money. Let him do the rest. 👍

She is working 24/7

It is embarrassing- and basic

She isn’t …do you know what a kept woman is? It’s not a stay at home Mum …doing every task related to their home and family 24/7

I definitely think it's lots easier to work if you have to do none of the domestic load. I just don't think that's the same thing as it not being possible without a SAHM.

Some jobs are also very, very difficult for lone parents (not necessarily highly paid ones - it can be really hard to be a nurse and a single parent without family help). In those jobs it might be a necessity to have either a partner or a live-in nanny. That, again, isn't the same thing as needing a SAHM specifically - you just need a partner with a job with regular and sociable hours, which is most jobs.

Mmmm so basic…how many SAHM do you know who have their pensions paid into in those years and don’t take a hit to their career / future earnings?? The true costs are underestimated

Yes yes yes. We all get it. But OP cannot pay any bills so that is where she should focus her attention, rather than trying to calculate her made up "worth" in an attempt to make her appear more valuable than her husband who she has quite happily been dependent on until this point. She wants to get divorced and so will need to find a way to support herself and her children when they are in her care. She will no longer be a SAHM when divorced, just unemployed.

Ffs, support your man and find out why he's at the end of his tether and, seemingly, completely burned out. You don't just head for the hills at the first sign of trouble, for Heaven's sake.

Why did you choose private school then? Did you not consider state?

These figures are calculated by matching the extensive, multi-role daily tasks of a homemaker against the current competitive market replacement costs for those services
This comes with a few assumptions though:

• that the sahm does absolutely everything and the working parent nothing at all. OP says she does everything but has also acknowledge she doesn't get involved with finances...

-that no work at all is already outsourced. In many instances, even before school, children attend some element of childcare.

When you that into consideration these two factors, the total value is nowhere near what's quoted!

Agree
But its a bit ironic seeing as he didnt sit down and discuss such a drastic change with her. ( which i would tell him)

He needs to get something else and pay off any debts at least before leaving.

The point isn't that he isn't able to do those things, it's that he could.He could easily afford a childminder, so it's not.It's not anything that she's doing that is going to make a difference to okay.It's pretty like this if he leaves and they divorce, and he gets fifty fifty care, his life will be completely unchanged.His life will be unchanged because having a stay at home.Mum is something that he can replace with other people or even himself.Like many other women, i'm a high earner who also looks after my children in my house.I'm sorry, but it's really not complicated.And to say that someone provides twenty four hour care, it's not true, because children sleep.So unless there's some sort of endless crisis in the house, it's just not true.

Yes, there is a point to it. Because it’s an inconsistency and it makes it sound like you’re either making stuff up, or there is a backstory (like him having children from a previous relationship) that could affect the advice you get.

I think you have fucked up royally in terms of how you organise your finances. You should have full access to the accounts (especially since he lied to you). Personally, I don’t know how you’d be able to trust anything he ever said again after getting you into that level of debt simply because he didn’t want to change your lifestyles. But, what’s done is done, so you need to work out how you’re going to proceed from here. He was insisting that he take on the role of provider and you be a sahm, so he has responsibilities that he can’t just walk away from without discussion. He’s not the boss of the family. If he hates his job and wants to leave than that’s fine, but he needs to have something to go to first of all, and you need to see proof of his salary so you can cut your cloth accordingly.

You appear to have married a dickhead who is all style and little to no substance. So call him on it. Tell him you’ll love and support him and if he wants to leave his job, then you’ll deal with the economising that will need to be done. Tell him you’ll be contacting an estate agent to get the house valued and on the market urgently. You’ll cancel your five yr old’s place at the fee paying school and will start looking at local infant schools when you know what area you’ll be living in. Tell him you’ve been looking at private sales versus part exchange at a dealership for the cars and you’ll be cancelling any forthcoming holidays. You’ll also need an appointment with a financial advisor to work out how best to keep the bailiffs away. Let him see the reality of what walking out of his job without having a new one to go to will involve.

Leaving a job because you’re burnt out is one thing. Leaving a job because you don’t want to be involved in a particular project is something else completely. Before you think about divorce, or calling his bluff, are you really sure he’s telling you the truth?

With a husband doing nothing that would be because the cooking, housework, childcare etc.. is still covered though?

I despair that anyone will achieve equality with this kind of thinking

Respectfully, it sounds like despite the high earning nature of his career, he is both flaky, childish and financially incontinent.

To have debt and no savings at that level of earnings is not normal. There's something seriously lacking in his thinking. That's before you get to the ridiculous suggestion of quitting his job with nothing lined up.

I don't think you can afford to be dependent on someone who's that much of a risk, frankly.

Please tell me that you're at least paying into a pension for yourself. And have a plan to get back to work.