to think some people on here have no idea what 16-18 year olds are actually like?

[Twile]

I’ve noticed that some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

Without fail, there are replies saying things like:

“Just stop them going.”
“Take their phone off them.”
“Ground them.”
“You’re the parent - just say no.”
“I’d never allow that”

It makes me wonder whether these people have actually parented an older teen.

A 16-18-year-old is not the same as a 10-year-old. They’re often physically bigger than you, legally have increasing autonomy, can leave the house if they choose, earn their own money and in many cases simply refuse to comply. You can’t physically force them to stay indoors, attend college, end a relationship or make sensible choices. And nor should you.

Of course boundaries still matter, and parenting doesn’t stop at 16. But the strategies change. You’re often relying on influence rather than control, and sometimes you’re choosing the least bad option rather than the ideal one.

I put it down to their strict discipline, parenting and not letting me do whatever I want. Not just giving me free reign and actually disciplining me. I knew if I did drugs I would have been come down on hard. I also am too scared to take them because I could die

Yes one issue is off your radar!

You still drank though. So did they fail or were you not scared enough?

I wonder how many of the difficult teenagers were those who when younger had parents who refused to do what most of us would consider basic steps in parenting. Allowing them to run around in restaurants and cafes for example, and not expecting or enforcing basic standards of behaviour at a young age.

But where’s that stereotype? I don’t hear it, and I don’t read it on this thread.

Nobody but you is pointing to a stereotype of teens behaving badly.

I think we mostly hope and plan for our teenagers to do the best they can, in school life, at home, and with friends - but some teenagers will achieve this more easily than others, and some teenagers will behave extremely problematically and this is a challenge to parent.

The way some are writing here, it’s almost as if they think having teens go off the rails badly is the only way to become a well-rounded adult 🤷🏼‍♀️

i’m in my 50s and surrounded by friends and family with many young adult children who are just lovely adults without ever having to go through a severely rebellious phase.

Tell me you haven’t read the full thread without telling me
🙄

Who? Who’s saying that?

Nobody is saying teens need to go off the rails as part of a developmental phase.

It’s the absolute opposite. When faced with a teen behaving problematically, most parents are desperately concerned as they worry about the pathway they are on, the future implications, and the type of positive life they are missing out on, through their current behaviour.

I actually found out I was pregnant at 15 so it gets worse. However there is nothing my parents did that contributed to it. I was never neglected or abused and always had reasonable rules.
In fact short of locking me up like rapunzel I don’t see how it could have been prevented by my parents.
And if you did lock your teen up like rapunzel you would probably still be blamed for them going off the rails.

Its my firm belief that smug parents of teenagers just got lucky with their child’s natural temperament

Twenty years ago, so 2006? Are you sure about that. My brothers and I went to two different secondary schools in the 1990s and the behaviour was not good at all, teachers were spoken back to by lots of kids.

I put it down to their strict discipline, parenting and not letting me do whatever I want. Not just giving me free reign and actually disciplining me. I knew if I did drugs I would have been come down on hard. I also am too scared to take them because I could die

Lots of MNs take drugs, is it their parents fault?

He’s about to go into his final year at Oxford and on track for a first. He is on a national uni sports team and works FT out of term time. During term time he runs an app and YouTube account which brings in good money.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see parts of his past behaviour in his character: He’s still a pain in the arse at times, he can be defiant, slip into arrogance and will argue up is down given half a chance. But he is funny, curious, ambitious and interesting. He has a great group of friends and a lovely girlfriend. He’s also sentimental, generally helpful and loves spending time with me - so that’s a win!

the years between 14-16 felt very bleak at times. I dare say there are things I could have done differently and I’m sure there are (and were at the time!) plenty of posters on MN who would advocate for harsher punishments (call the police, throw him out, physical sanctions), but we got there eventually and I hope I’ve preserved the opportunity for an equal relationship in the future.

That doesn't prove anything, some teenagers are more challenging than others regardless of upbringing.

And again for all those posters saying they don’t know any teens who behave like this, most people didn’t know my DS did. Even at school they were relatively unconcerned with his absences as he was an A star student and engaged when he did bother to show up.

unless you happened to witness a blow up you wouldn’t have known -unsurprisingly due to the judgement - I didn’t share a lot of it.

outsiders found my DS to be engaged, charming and perfectly nice to be around.

I have 16 year old boy and 18 old girl. They are both chronically untidy DD even worse than DS as at least his crap stays in his room! They do like to stay in their rooms more than I would like. But have been arranging to meet with friends most days during summer hols and both behaved well on our family holiday taking an interest in most things. Their friends are well behaved and don’t seem to get into scrapes. They are much better behaved than my 1990s friends were. But my room was immaculate as a teen but that could be me…

I wouldn’t offer advice to anyone who has teens that are causing severe problems, as I never went through it, so no experience of having to deal with it.

Our two boys, now 24 and 19 never caused us any real problems. I will say we were lucky, as no matter how well you bring them up, it can go one way or the other. It did with my brother for a few years. He got in with the wrong crowd of people. He came out the other side in the end, but christ, he was a prick up to that point.

Yes my parents did their best to raise me in a very mumsnet approved way actually. No I wasn’t allowed to run around shops causing a nuisance as a child. I actually remember my mother being quite judgemental about a friend of mine being allowed to watch Britney Spears music videos as a child. They always told me if I did drugs (I’ve never taken drugs Tbf) or got pregnant I would be kicked out.

And I still had a baby at 16 and they did follow through with kicking me out.

On the flip side I know people who’s parents were alcoholics or had zero rules and let their kids do what they wanted who reached their 20s without teenage pregnancy.

”superior parenting”?

what did he end up getting in his GCSEs if he was refusing school for the two years preceding them?

The MH concerns are real and valid. I was talking about British Indian family's in the UK. We have higher educational attainment and the (I admit self-reported) lower illicit drug usage rates and lower arrest rates. There's a reason for this.

But you also largely put it down to being beaten, otherwise why did you mention it?

All seems from your posts that this is very very personal to you.

They also take themselves to school reliably, even on days when DH and I had left to commute to the office.

I did do it and I admit it was the whole forbidden fruit thing. I don't anymore as I just don't enjoy it, it makes me feel bad and I don't feel the need. I'm glad I overcame it.

He got 11 GCSEs a mix of A and A stars.

He wasn’t refusing to go to school the entire two years, but definitely in fourth year he was probably at about 50% up until Feb half term and still very hit and miss until end of year.

He started fifth form with a day or two a week missing but after Feb mocks had pretty much FT attendance.

This happened v similarly w my young relative. Her snd my DD are similar ages. Both were ‘good girls’ in primary and early secondary (they went to different primaries but same secondary). Then relative went completely off the rails at 14 to probably about 18. Smoking, weed, drinking in her room, running away, being stoned in school, etc.
parents are as straight-laced as they come.
Now she’s mid/20s and prob is the most conventional out of all the cousins.