To want MIL to stop doing our laundry?

[HannahR21]

MIL is here every other Tuesday looking after our toddler whilst we both work. She is really helpful, and tries to do stuff round the house. Recently, she has started putting washes on. I find this a step too far - the first time this happened, there wasn’t a great deal of washing in our basket - it would have fit in one wash. She left one item in the basket which was a rather ‘risque’ all in one bedroom outfit of mine if you get what I mean. She had obviously seen it, and decided to leave it (and nothing else) in the basket.

DH says she’s being helpful and it saves me a job so I should be grateful. I find it..invasive? Fully appreciate it may be a ‘me’ issue but thought it’d get some impartial views.

I hate things like this. My MIL once came over to feed the dogs for us and started poking around - ‘cleaned’ my downstairs loo ‘for me’ - when it was already clean and then complained that my washing machine smells (it did, but I’d been running a cleaning product through it and needed to do the second cycle - wasn’t expecting her to be in there).

There was no hiding my irritation. She hasn’t done it since. I’m not ungrateful for things that help me and we’ve discussed, but as you say it feels invasive and to me it seemed like nitpicking.

Meh. Wouldn’t bother me. She’s had a family, brought up her own kids. Period blood, skiddy underwear etc… she’ll have seen it all. She probably left the bedroom outfit because she wasn’t sure how to wash and didn’t want to ruin it.

Don't be ridiculous! It's not controlling to not want your MIL doing your laundry. Would you feel the same if it was OP's FIL that was going through OP's dirty underwear.

Uncomfortable? Was she heavy on the starch??

I’ve been through this issue. Almost exactly.
so it’s your house and you shouldn’t be expected to hide things in your laundry basket.
your husband sounds like mine. He still won’t speak to his mother about this. But we kind of dance around it with her.
these are two things I have tried but ultimately they didn’t work for other reasons:
1)only doing the kids’s washing
2)only doing a washing left at the washing machine.
you are not unreasonable. Lots of us don’t want our in laws washing our delicates.
I got through to my husband a bit more when I told him every time I see an outfit of mine she washed I think of her now. I can’t wear it. So it is effectively ruined.

I would feel a bit awkward too (I admit to being a bit uptight, very private, and easily embarrassed) but I wouldn’t tell my MIL or ask her not to help with the laundry- I’d just make sure there was nothing in the basket I could feel embarrassed about.

I was once on a campsite in France and put some washing in the dryer in the laundry room. When I came back to collect it, I’d obviously been gone too long. A German man had arrived wanting to use the machine so took my stuff out, which he kindly folded. When I walked into the room, he was FOLDING MY PANTS. I was mortified and couldn’t get out of there quick enough, but I concluded that Europeans are probably a lot more chilled out than I am about a stranger seeing/handling their pants.

Just organise a load ready to put on, job's a good un! How nice of her, does she hang it out/dry it as well?

Send her here after please

Nevermind finding it intrusive, is no one else particular about how they like different items washed? I have lots of precious wool items that have incredibly specific requirements, and then I'll have really dirty stuff I want washed hot. I have different types of detergent I like to use for different things. I have preferences about what needs to go in a mesh bag based on the specifics of my washing machine and what it likes to swallow! I think it's not great to do someone else's washing without knowing what settings and detergent they like to use and how they like to divide their loads. Eg some people throw everything in together, some separate by colour, some by texture. It's very personal and depends on the machine too.

This!

I get it

Where do you live? Please feel free to send her over. I can’t get to the bottom of my basket ever 🤣🤣

I would not want her doing my laundry, sorry everyone who thinks she is being nice. She is, but nope, my pants are my pants. I would just say you are so kind but please do not do the laundry, you are so helpful looking after little one.

This happened to me too. As time went on I regretted minding and now she is no longer here I feel bad ever minding about little things! But my answer would be to hide some of the more intimate washing. Or maybe just leave the kids washing for her!

So yeah, it's not helpful to do something unwanted, un-needed and fiddle with their underwear. Your house is yours. She needs to be told to stop overstepping.

And your husband needs to stop being a weird mummy's boy and tell his mother to quit it.

And I would absolutely never regret putting a stop to this nonsense.

I can understand people liking different clothes washed in a certain way and being upset if someone washed them without care

I am genuinely struggling to understand is people getting upset at someone else seeing their knickers and pants. My mum and mil who used to put a wash in and eldest son who will put in the washing if he calls around and sees it needs doing have all seen knicks and undies on the washing line or airer anyway.

Wow I’d love this! You must be mad take all the help you can get

Really? Without wanting to be crude, do you never have the odd bit of discharge or period leakage?

I agree. Its too personal. Just ask her not to do it.

YANBU but I would not say anything.

As you know when she is coming I would hide the contents of the laundry basket before she arrives and make sure the basket is empty. Will take 30 seconds - probably path of least resistance and ‘hurt’ feelings if she has issues with boundaries.

Ok I get u feel its a little invasive. She probably left your lingerie item as needs handwashed. Dont over think it

My thoughts exactly. She's providing you with free childcare AND housekeeping. She's sees you as family and doing her bit. Don't be so precious just keep your lingerie out of the washing.

My late MIL never did anything in our house but if she came round when we were out, she would re-arrange the washing on the rotary drier in the garden so that all underwear was carefully concealed on the inner lines by larger items. I just shoved things up any old how. At the time I was annoyed but decided to say nothing. She must have found this a bit frustrating because she commented one day on a neighbour's straight line of washing and said she preferred rotary driers because you could easily conceal "underthings"! I nearly bit my tongue trying not to laugh.

That is SO the sort of thing my MIL would say. 😄

Again, it's not helpful to do something unwanted, un -needed and fiddle with a person's underwear.

Nope, having to hide your laundry from a painful overstepping mil doesn't work and is a batshit suggestion.

Your house is yours. She needs to be told to stop overstepping.

And your husband needs to stop being a weird mummy's boy and tell his mother to quit it.

I would absolutely never regret putting a stop to this nonsense. It's your house. Your choice.

End.