My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

I would be tempted to write each of them a letter explaining why this situation can’t continue, how it makes you and your bullied son feel, and how you cannot continue to tolerate it under your roof. I would tell them how much you love them, and say how sorry you are that their needs weren’t always met because of his health. Sometimes simply acknowledging this sort of thing makes all the difference. Explain how blaming him for this is unfair, thought.

You have a duty to your son to stop this bullying. I would be very worried about depression/self-harm/suicidal ideation in this situation. The concert has to be the last straw. But I would try and meet them with understanding as well as firmness, and not go on the attack or issue ultimatums just yet.

However, if a well phrased letter doesn’t work then I’d be wondering if they could continue all living together.

The best thing you could do in this situation OP is take proper accountability. I know it is hard to hear but even if you were doing your best in the moment, your actions have impacted your children.
From your POV, you were justified in what you needed to do and tried to make it up in other ways but intent doesn't matter if it causes harm.
I would sit your children down and ask them to tell you how they feel. You have to be ready to be hurt and you have to be ready to be quiet. There can be no 'but we', no 'let me explain', nothing. You sit, you listen and you validate. You don't even have to accept internally that the situations they may describe were as big as they were, but you keep that to yourself.
You apologise, you hug and you accept that this is how they feel.
Then slowly you start to move from there, just validating them and taking their emotions gives them a chance to air it and will take the heat off your other son.
In a separate conversation, maybe a week or 2 later, you discuss how you make things better. You don't demand they include brother in everything or sweep everything away but you draw boundaries, no means comments, no disrespectful behaviours. You encourage them to remember that none of this was his fault and let them figure it out together.

It’s the second son being left out so the 19 year old.

They must have spent the days before every single holiday/day out waiting for the other shoe to drop in the form of a last-minute cancellation so I can't say I blame them for the gig.

The rest is bullying though.

At some point you have to consider that if 3 out of your 4 children feel the same perhaps you made some serious mistakes in the past. Listening to them and seeing from something other then your perspective rather than dismissing them would be a good start.

Unfortunately you have allowed this to go on for too long OP. It seems obvious to me that your 3 children felt ignored throughout their childhood and frequent last minute cancellations of holidays and days out will result in disappointment and resentment. I get that it's a difficult situation and having an ill child is a terrible strain on the whole family. I think the only way you can fix this is for you and DH to apologise to your 3 children for the way you handled things. Acknowledge their feelings. By just telling them off for the way they are treating their brother you are not acknowledging why they are doing it. So again their feelings are being ignored as they have been for years. I also think you all need family therapy.

So that would just cement the issue.

Your family has revolved around the needs of one member, understandably enough.

Now they are organising themselves, and leaving out the high risk one.

It’s understandable. Actually it’s unusual for the siblings to be this close at this age. It sounds as though they’ve bonded in adversity. My sons did that when we were fostering.

Stop. Breathe. Look again from outside, possibly with therapeutic support if you can. Someone needs to shift the dynamics.
Probably by you both doing 1 to 1s with the others. They’ve been ‘lesser’, overlooked, because of the urgency of their brother’s needs. They’ve learned to manage without you. That’s what you have to rebuild.

My husband and I both have well-paying jobs. We worked hard to give our kids opportunities we never had. They all went to private schools, even though neither of us ever did.

Maybe it's just been my experience, but I've found that some kids in those environments can be surprisingly unkind. The attitudes can be very different. Of course not every child is like that, but I've definitely seen it, and sadly I've seen some of it in my own kids too.

They've grown up with a very comfortable life. I wouldn't say they're spoiled because they've never been denied discipline or boundaries, but I do think the environment they've grown up in has shaped them in ways I never expected. Sometimes I wonder if that has played a part in how they treat their brother.

This seems to be a recent issue of a couple of years.
Pushing back on parents is a normal enough part of becoming a teen and add being a glass child into the mix and it isn't that surprising that there is unresolved resentment becoming an issue.
Taking younger siblings to a concert at the last minute isn't a reasonable expectation of an older sibling.
But expecting them to not be unpleasant to his face is reasonable.
Because none of them should be unpleasant to each other.
You can't force a certain sibling dynamic through tears and emotional blackmail but there can be a few basic equally applied standards.
This situation is likely to resolve naturally over time as your dc move out.

I am not sure you can stop this OP, sounds like the siblings have made their mind up and are in cahoots now.

All you can do is keep talking, put down some ground rules (and enforce them) then mitigate the damage the best you can, building up the sibling's confidence that is left out, encourage too more friends and hobbies, things that will enrich his life. Weirdly, their actions would probably mean that you do end up treating them different by taking more care of the bullied sibling.

Not all siblings get on. I have brothers and we have nothing to do with each other. All brought up the same, treated equally, but we just don't like each other as people. It's sad that what should be a bond through being family doesn't exist but that's just some how families roll. Maybe you'll be luckier than my family and once the siblings mature, leave home they will see that actually, their brother is ok after all and let some of this go.

I think this has become more a problem of your kids finding something that has worked to manipulate and guilt you, and they are going to continue to be thundercunts as long as it is effective. I think you need to sit them down and let them know that there are new rules in the house. Cruelty, bullying, exclusion, nastiness will not be tolerated. If their friends are vile, they will be immediately removed from the house. I would also stop funding any fun things and start rewarding good behaviour instead.

Perhaps you missed the bit where they said they have spoken numerous times with all of them over the years?

Why did everyone have to make the sacrifice? Why could one parent not remain with your poorly son and the other take the rest of the children

Surely that depends on the health issues involved? Neither me or DH would happily skip off on holiday with one child if the other was, for example, quite unwell in hospital, or needing significant surgery etc.
If it was a case of “he’s unwell but at home and needs rest and recuperation” then yes, I’d agree with you. Although I’d also say that that was the parents’ decision, and not their brother’s fault. So blaming him is a bit stupid (although I wouldn’t force them to be friends as I think there’s no point. I’d just insist the unpleasant comments stopped)

The resentment your three children feel isn’t really about their brother. It started with feeling less seen and less prioritised and because they couldn’t direct that at you, it found an easier target. Their brother became the symbol of everything they felt they missed out on.

If you’re considering cutting the three off financially while continuing to support him, they will see that as confirmation of everything they already feel. That won’t heal anything, it will cement it.

This is very very common behaviour.

i have a child who had (and continues to have) health issues.

as children grow they less and less want to do things with family. Teens are known for wanting to spend time with friends not family.

my son hates spending time with his sister. Even if she were healthy they wouldn’t get on - they are totally different people.

your kids are the age when they have preferences about who they spend time with.

if you have spent a lot of their childhood giving extra time and attention to the ill one then they will see that as you loving them more. They will also resent being made to include him - they will have missed out on suff because of him and they don’t want that to continue into adulthood.

you might find a book on glass children to be helpful. This is a fairly standard pattern.

I agree with this. I don't feel you expect them to be his carers, you just want him to not be excluded.

This is very odd
Why would a 20 year old man ,be hanging out with his 17 year old sister and 15 year old brother.
Surely you say no to the 15 year old when he wants to go places with the 20 year old ,as the gap is to big for him to be mixing with his brothers adult friends.
The 17 year old girl ,will have her own friends and I can't see her wanting to hang out with a 15 year old brother..
Yet everyone ignores the 19 year old son ,who you would think would be closer to the 20 years old son.
I've got 4 DC ..one girl ,three boys all similar ages to your op ...I can't see at all how you have ended up like this .
I think you have missed out a lot of information..or changed the ages / sexes of the DC to stay anonymous..
I think if you want some serious advice,come back with more details

Wow! You will cut off support?! Well at least you’ll only have the one child to think about when the others grow up, leave home and cut you off.

Your other DCs have only got each other, that’s why they’re banding together. You’ve created this situation and need to stop trying to manipulate them. They’ve seen through you OP.

Cutting off financial support won’t make them like their brother, or teach them anything that you want them to learn. That isn’t to say don’t do it if you want to and consider it appropriate, but be prepared to further reinforce the us vs them dynamic, and alienate them if you do. Do you want relationships with them in the future?

Trying to force closeness hasn’t worked, and isn’t going to. The more you push, the more they resent and reject their brother. I wonder if they’re doing it with the aim of punishing you as well, because they know the impact it has on you.

You say they switched their resentment from you to him, but it’s worth examining why they did that. In their eyes, you didn’t care about how they felt, or that they resented you, so they found a way to make you care. Unfortunately, this likely only reinforced to them that he is indeed the favored child, as they see you worry about his feelings in a way they never saw you worry about theirs.

Rightly or wrongly, the situation is as it is, and they feel as they feel. There’s no magic wand that will fix this, and fixing it at all is not something within your control. There’s been a lot of damage done, and they may never be close to their brother or continue a relationship with him once they’re fully independent.

What you potentially can do is look to repair and strengthen your own individual relationships with them, without applying any pressure regarding their brother. This part is important, because attempts to get closer to them are likely something they will regard with suspicion. They will wonder if you’re doing it with ulterior motives, rather than because it’s a genuine expression of love and care for them.

I think this is either made up (the plot of a novel in progress, maybe?) or something much deeper is going on. It's one thing that your kids are a bit resentful ofa brother whose health and needs - rightly or wrongly- shaped family dynamics and plans throughout their childhood. But for all three kids to tell him to his face they don't want him in the family - are you sure there's not something else going on? That's really extreme.

I'm also a bit confused about your DS2's health issues which you make sound both quite serious (multiple cancelled holidays?) and not that serious. I wonder if by trying to downplay his medical needs you've actually done no one any favours: his siblings think it's not a big deal so why did he take up so much of his parents time, energy and attention? Why can't he be like them?

The thing is, you can't force closeness between siblings. And by trying, I think you risk increasing resentment. You can plan family activities they all attend and might give them space to bond. But I think your best plan is actually to encourage your DS2 to grow relationships and a support circle beyond his siblings. You call his friends "complete strangers" but they aren't - they are people he shares interests and time with. Lots of people build their closest relationships outside their birth family. Let him do that.

As for my other kids, I'm seriously considering cutting off financial support. If they're old enough to deliberately exclude and disrespect their own brother while living under my roof, then they're old enough to start earning for themselves too.

Do this at your peril. There is already a large divide, this would make it ten times worse.

I’m disabled and this is me, I completely resonate with this. I was constantly excluded by my 2 siblings with the eldest being the main antagonist. Even as much as a cinema trip or a game of monopoly!

If it’s any consolation, I have managed to build a decent relationship with one sibling who lives abroad but only as an adult. There’s a chance of this for your son.

My other sibling I would gladly fire into the sun and never see again

If you want this to change handwringing won’t do the job I’m afraid no offence my DM didn’t solve it either!

If all your children have been to private school, I agree that this environment may have shaped how they are now. Not in terms of breeding horrid kids but more that private schools are very competitive environments and there is a lot of one-upmanship. So, for example, your kids would have been chatting excitedly about future holidays with friends only for those holidays to get cancelled and then the resentment is magnified because their school friends are going on multiple holidays per year and they may have made comments about your children lying about their holidays to try and fit in with the private school experience. At the very least it looks odd to say multiple times over the years you are going away and then not go away.

Because you (or AI) said at least twice he didn't 'scream' or 'throw a tantrum' when they declined to spend time with him or go to a gig with him. That's toddler behaviour you seem to be measuring him against.

Honestly, OP, I think you have some weird ideas about siblings and togetherness, anyway. My siblings and I have pretty much the same age distribution, our childhood was also stressful and difficult for reasons our parents have absolutely no comprehension of because they both grew up in deeply dysfunctional settings, and at the YA stage, we pretty much all hated one another, though with various complications added in by temporary alliances which always excluded someone. Our upbringing created divisions, where we were competing for scarce resources. We had no spare bandwidth for one another, and we were absolutely foul to one another for years. We just needed to go our own ways and make our own lives, separately. My mother in particular wept and accused us of cruelty, but she has no comprehension at all of her and our father's role in creating this.

I would take some responsibility for this, accept that your YA children's relationship with one another is not what you would like it to be now, and either just sit it out till they leave home, or, if that's not likely to be soon, to consider family therapy. What you're doing is clearly making a bad situation worse.

Of course you can cut financial support. My daughter turned 18 in the last few months. She has a pt job whilst looking for an apprenticeship. She gets no
more money from me because she’s an adult!