My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

That's quite the reach you have going on there.

Just because some children are emotionally abused / parentified, its quite the stretch to say that that is definitely what is happening here.

You've made all sorts of assumptions about what's happened that are nowhere to be found in the OPs posts - You've written way more than the OP has about her own situation.

She has nowhere said or even implied that the other children are neglected or expected to be carers. She has said repeatedly that her and the dad have listened to the other children - where are you getting 'shut down' and 'pretend to listen' from?

Could you be projecting?

I was the sick child. But I love my brother to bits. And am very grateful my parents tried not to golden child me, and help him feel included. And did stuff specifically for him. Because I now have a good relationship with him.

Nope, it's not, just factual. Your comments are pure projection and you are clearly triggered and bitter. That doesn't matter though, as I simply stated facts.

Glad you highlighted my reply though, hopefully OP reads it again and absorbs it. Her only hope is therapy, she'll likely lose all contact with her three children and cause her favoured son to be completely avoided if she doesn't stop using coercive control to try to regain the power she no longer has.

As you reacted so bizarrely and made outlandish claims you probably could benefit from therapy too, as it's likely you've also caused a huge rift in your family by poor parenting just like OP.

If not, you're just completely clueless with nothing useful to add. That won't stop you trying though :)

Anyway thanks again for highlighting my post as OP would benefit from re reading it.

And there are some bitter, triggered reactions in this thread to anyone pointing out the parentification, control tactics and coercion by OP. Several parents making the same mistake and destroying their own family dynamic, if I had to guess.

It's a well studied pattern, unfortunately the parents who cause this estrangement by trying to bully their children into support roles are actively blind to their own behaviour.

This

I left this thread early on because I could see it was going to continue in the same vein - OP with her fingers in her ears, other parents who have messed up shouting abuse at any of us actually trying to help, and a bunch of twits who just don't understand the dynamic calling everyone names for pointing out facts. And, yep, I was right, unfortunately.

There's a term in the mental health field - Anosognosia - and it means a person who is mentally ill but is absolutely unable to recognise their own mental illness. It makes treatment unbelievably difficult. The word has Greek roots and basically means "without knowledge of disease".

Obviously, I'm not saying OP is mentally ill, but she does completely lack any insight into her own terrible parenting choices, as does anyone defending her. How can you reach someone who refuses to even allow a glimmer of the truth in? I don't know, and that's the truth.

But for those who were raised by parents who parentified them it's such a relief to know others see it. I can only hope that one of the parents on this thread who has been or is being coercive and manipulative to their own children and cheering OP on to damage her family further might finally be pushed into a little self awareness.

This is textbook stuff. As I said before, there are literally books written about this dynamic.

This is the title/post OP should have written: "I have parentified three of my children while overwhelmingly cosseting and favouring their less able brother. I've relentlessly forced them to slow their own lives and limited their experiences throughout their lives to avoid my favoured child feeling different or left out.

They're absolutely expected to be his companion no matter what they're doing and must always include him - so now they just avoid him.

They've been forced into caring and support roles they didn't agree to, missed out on many experiences for no good reason and years after I turned their brother into their lifetime burden they've finally rebelled.

I've tried weeping, threatening, relentlessly nagging and demanding but they've still escaped my clutches.

What can I do to get them back under my control? Would financial blackmail force them to comply?"

As many have added you can enforce basic politeness - and that's all. Their impoliteness has been caused by your unfair and unacceptable demands. It's you they resent OP. But you've made your other son a burden and a scapegoat and he's the one who will suffer for it.

And another point, I cannot imagine any loving mother being so vicious and virulent about three of her children in public. That's just not normal or healthy either.

You really would benefit from therapy. I wish your children luck, all of them, not just the favoured one. In a few years time you won't have to worry about it anymore, as they'll have fled and you'll be left with only your favoured child, ostracised from his siblings - because of you. If you don't want that, please go to family counselling. For his sake.

They aren't a single parent family. There's two parents. So keeping their word and taking the others on a promised day out/holiday could have been achieved whilst also nursing the sick child. All children's needs could have been met, but the parents didn't fancy that, so instead set up this weird dynamic whereby only the parents needs were met (to not have to solo parent any DC, to not have to see sick child miss out, to not have to see their spouse and healthy DC enjoying something they couldn't because they're home nursing sick child).

It didn't ever need to be "fuck the sick child" for the others to enjoy holidays etc in this family. They could have met all their children's needs and yet the parents chose the option of fuck the healthy children, who cares what they want or about their disappointment, upset, lack of ability to trust their parents word, etc.

No I'm not projecting or reaching. It's all there in what OP says. If you can't see it, that's on you. Of course she isn't admitting to neglecting and abusing her children. Most neglectful abusive parents don't. They act like the OP, like they've done nothing wrong and were justified in their behaviour, they double down on it all defending their actions like she's done.

She's literally described on this thread using emotional abuse tactics to try to manipulate them into doing what she wants. The fact she's openly shared this, as if those tactics are ok, shows that she thinks it is ok. Which is appalling.

There's no comprehension from her about just how awful and harmful her and her husband's behaviour has been, towards all of their DC (because sickly DC hasn't escaped unscathed by all this). There's no understanding from her at all about her children being autonomous people with their own lives, feelings, wants, needs and the right to pursue their own paths in life.