My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

That's quite the reach you have going on there.

Just because some children are emotionally abused / parentified, its quite the stretch to say that that is definitely what is happening here.

You've made all sorts of assumptions about what's happened that are nowhere to be found in the OPs posts - You've written way more than the OP has about her own situation.

She has nowhere said or even implied that the other children are neglected or expected to be carers. She has said repeatedly that her and the dad have listened to the other children - where are you getting 'shut down' and 'pretend to listen' from?

Could you be projecting?

I was the sick child. But I love my brother to bits. And am very grateful my parents tried not to golden child me, and help him feel included. And did stuff specifically for him. Because I now have a good relationship with him.

Nope, it's not, just factual. Your comments are pure projection and you are clearly triggered and bitter. That doesn't matter though, as I simply stated facts.

Glad you highlighted my reply though, hopefully OP reads it again and absorbs it. Her only hope is therapy, she'll likely lose all contact with her three children and cause her favoured son to be completely avoided if she doesn't stop using coercive control to try to regain the power she no longer has.

As you reacted so bizarrely and made outlandish claims you probably could benefit from therapy too, as it's likely you've also caused a huge rift in your family by poor parenting just like OP.

If not, you're just completely clueless with nothing useful to add. That won't stop you trying though :)

Anyway thanks again for highlighting my post as OP would benefit from re reading it.

And there are some bitter, triggered reactions in this thread to anyone pointing out the parentification, control tactics and coercion by OP. Several parents making the same mistake and destroying their own family dynamic, if I had to guess.

It's a well studied pattern, unfortunately the parents who cause this estrangement by trying to bully their children into support roles are actively blind to their own behaviour.

This

I left this thread early on because I could see it was going to continue in the same vein - OP with her fingers in her ears, other parents who have messed up shouting abuse at any of us actually trying to help, and a bunch of twits who just don't understand the dynamic calling everyone names for pointing out facts. And, yep, I was right, unfortunately.

There's a term in the mental health field - Anosognosia - and it means a person who is mentally ill but is absolutely unable to recognise their own mental illness. It makes treatment unbelievably difficult. The word has Greek roots and basically means "without knowledge of disease".

Obviously, I'm not saying OP is mentally ill, but she does completely lack any insight into her own terrible parenting choices, as does anyone defending her. How can you reach someone who refuses to even allow a glimmer of the truth in? I don't know, and that's the truth.

But for those who were raised by parents who parentified them it's such a relief to know others see it. I can only hope that one of the parents on this thread who has been or is being coercive and manipulative to their own children and cheering OP on to damage her family further might finally be pushed into a little self awareness.

This is textbook stuff. As I said before, there are literally books written about this dynamic.

This is the title/post OP should have written: "I have parentified three of my children while overwhelmingly cosseting and favouring their less able brother. I've relentlessly forced them to slow their own lives and limited their experiences throughout their lives to avoid my favoured child feeling different or left out.

They're absolutely expected to be his companion no matter what they're doing and must always include him - so now they just avoid him.

They've been forced into caring and support roles they didn't agree to, missed out on many experiences for no good reason and years after I turned their brother into their lifetime burden they've finally rebelled.

I've tried weeping, threatening, relentlessly nagging and demanding but they've still escaped my clutches.

What can I do to get them back under my control? Would financial blackmail force them to comply?"

As many have added you can enforce basic politeness - and that's all. Their impoliteness has been caused by your unfair and unacceptable demands. It's you they resent OP. But you've made your other son a burden and a scapegoat and he's the one who will suffer for it.

And another point, I cannot imagine any loving mother being so vicious and virulent about three of her children in public. That's just not normal or healthy either.

You really would benefit from therapy. I wish your children luck, all of them, not just the favoured one. In a few years time you won't have to worry about it anymore, as they'll have fled and you'll be left with only your favoured child, ostracised from his siblings - because of you. If you don't want that, please go to family counselling. For his sake.

They aren't a single parent family. There's two parents. So keeping their word and taking the others on a promised day out/holiday could have been achieved whilst also nursing the sick child. All children's needs could have been met, but the parents didn't fancy that, so instead set up this weird dynamic whereby only the parents needs were met (to not have to solo parent any DC, to not have to see sick child miss out, to not have to see their spouse and healthy DC enjoying something they couldn't because they're home nursing sick child).

It didn't ever need to be "fuck the sick child" for the others to enjoy holidays etc in this family. They could have met all their children's needs and yet the parents chose the option of fuck the healthy children, who cares what they want or about their disappointment, upset, lack of ability to trust their parents word, etc.

No I'm not projecting or reaching. It's all there in what OP says. If you can't see it, that's on you. Of course she isn't admitting to neglecting and abusing her children. Most neglectful abusive parents don't. They act like the OP, like they've done nothing wrong and were justified in their behaviour, they double down on it all defending their actions like she's done.

She's literally described on this thread using emotional abuse tactics to try to manipulate them into doing what she wants. The fact she's openly shared this, as if those tactics are ok, shows that she thinks it is ok. Which is appalling.

There's no comprehension from her about just how awful and harmful her and her husband's behaviour has been, towards all of their DC (because sickly DC hasn't escaped unscathed by all this). There's no understanding from her at all about her children being autonomous people with their own lives, feelings, wants, needs and the right to pursue their own paths in life.

He is extremely rude & violent, he has never dealt well with someone saying no to him, he is 29 quit school at 15 because there was no way my mom could physically force him to go (though she did try), never worked more than a few weeks in his entire life despite my mom’s and everyone’s plea, he eventually got accepted into the army and kicked out after 6 months for (physically) fighting his superior, started selling drugs and street fighting (broke his hand many times as a result), my mom has desperately tried to get him to leave the house and be independent over the last decade but if she kicks him out he will break a window or break down the door to come back in (the police provides no help nor support). He has absolutely no respect for anyone or anything, and honestly never has, even when he was a kid, as a teen and young adult he would threaten to spread the nudes of his ex-girlfriends when he was younger if they didn’t comply with whatever he wanted, would break our things if we (siblings) didn’t do what he wanted and when he wanted (he literally stomped on my piano and broke it when I refused to listen to his rap song right away as I was busy), he would physically try to beat up my stepdad if he tried to set rules (which caused the separation of my mother and my then stepdad), he, a few months ago tried to choke my youngest brother to death because he refused to loan him his phone charger and my mom has litterally had to try and hit him with things so he would let go as my youngest sibling had lost consciousness. He is not just a pain in the butt, he can really become life- threatening if upset. Even my 5yo sister has a bunch of disturbing stories as to how violent he is with my mother and she tries and negotiate with him to be kinder (she is 5, he is 29…)

That’s how bad he is.

No doubt there is a reason for his behavior (be it undiagnosed mental health issues or familial background as our bio father was very similar) BUT again he is 29 and has been like this since he was very young. He never helps around the house, isn’t independent and expect others to fund his life. He is the type who aspired and still aspire to be rich without working a day in his life (and thinks he knows how and is just always a day away from reaching that goal) and is therefore extremely frustrated with his current life but instead of improving it by setting up a plan and working towards it, lashes out at everything and everyone and refuses to work or be independent as everything (and everyone) is below him in his eyes as he is worth so much better than a mundane job (despite having zero work experience and not having even gone to high school.)

Honestly I do feel bad that he isn’t liked by many (any?) people in the family but he is making it very hard to like him. I do blame my mom for coddling him so much when he was a kid to the point it got out of hand and came back to bite her at 15. But in the end he is now a grown ass man who will still punch a wall or someone (or worse) & physically threaten his mother if they/she say no to him and there is just no excuse for it.

I went no contact with him 8 years ago after something awful he did to me and honestly as sad as it is, I don’t miss him. I do wish for him that he was happy and independent and who knows maybe if he was our relationship would evolve but until then honestly I think everyone in the family has a seriously hard time to see the positives in him because we are all living (closely or more distantly) the consequences of his unhappiness.

In OP’s cases I feel bad for her son because it feels like her son isn’t a bad or horrible person he just had some tough luck health wise who have impacted their childhood and they begrudge him for it to the point of being mean and exclusionary. In our case, we aren’t rude to my sibling and would all wish he was nicer as we would have loved to like him or at least not to dislike him but at this point cutting ties and keeping our distance is a question of survival and mental health/peace and it’s sadly the case for us siblings and for the rest of the extended family.

I am so sorry wanna that sounds horrendous for all of you 💐

But op clearly stated they did go on a lot of holidays etc and were not deprived of fun stuffevery single time. So all in all, the other kids are resenful egoists without empathy. A normal.person would understand that sometimes you can do without for the sake of someone else. A spoilt brat would resent a sick person for ruining their holiday once every 5 years.

Yes, your comment was realistic and fair, and this is a fair response.

OP has literally admitted to nagging, weeping and constant harassment of her three non favoured children throughout their lives, admitted they missed out on lots throughout their childhoods due to her bad decisions, and was openly wondering if she could use financial coercion to force them back into compliance.

Imagine what she gets up to that she doesn't admit to in public!

What are the chances that three out of four children from the same parents in the same house ended up self-centred egoists! Gosh! It’s almost like there’s something between the lines

The OP is clearly biased and we haven’t the faintest idea of what the reality is like, or how her children would describe the situation. It’s hard to believe that three children would unanimously hold such deep resentment against one without a lifetime of poor handling and communication from their parents, though. Whether intended or not, the very different treatment the children have received has clearly not been understood by the children to be fair or proportionate. It comes across as though there is a general feeling that the three of them were left too much to deal with things by themselves, that it was not really noticed or acknowledged if they had problems of their own, because they were expected to be the strong ones, and their their parents were too consumed by the issues of the one, whose needs simply did not justify the intense level of attention focused on them. Now the three are old enough to really just get on with things themselves, they are being told that they also have to focus on the sibling who has always been in their parents’ spotlight, and the only spotlight they get is in relation to how they react to the favoured one. “Lip service” is the expression that comes to mind in relation to attention given to the actual needs of the majority, and “suffocating focus” in relation to the less robust child.

Where did you get once every 5 years? Certainly not from the OP.
She hasn't answered how often, but "there were times" doesn't sound like only twice to me.

It's not a question of how many other holidays they went on etc. it's about their feelings of the ones that were cancelled for no good reason. Their brother being sick did not mean everyone had to miss out, that was a choice made by their parents to protect the feelings of the sick one, whilst entirely ignoring the feelings of the three others. That action is the problem. Not the missed activity itself.

The action of being dismissed, of having their feelings labelled unimportant by their parents and of being treated as of less importance as people than their sick brother, is harmful. It's not just in the past either, it's still happening in the present. Their feelings still don't count for anything, they're told regardless of their feelings they have to be friends with someone they don't want to be friends with and they're not "allowed" to have negative feelings about that demand either. They're being told to ignore their feelings, suppress them and do whatever OP tells them to do. That's completely unreasonable behaviour on OPs part.

You talk about them lacking empathy whilst you yourself have no empathy for them at all, just like the OP. Seems to me that you and OP are cut from the same cloth and I pity any DC you have. Not enough has been posted about the siblings in general to judge whether they have empathy in general. Even empathetic people can lash out in frustration occasionally. They have been minimised as people their entire lives, a few verbal explosions as they enter adulthood and find themselves still being minimised, is to be expected and is not a sign of lack of empathy in itself.

The three siblings are not egotistical at all, there's no signs of it. OP is the one coming across as egotistical, everything has to be how she wants it or she effectively tantrums at them. All the siblings are doing is trying to quietly get on with their lives.

You're making stuff up re: 5yrs. That's not in OPs posts at all, you've just plucked it out of the air.

@WannaQuit you are being failed by the police. Unless they're saying they can't do anything because your mother is not doing her part that would allow them to take action. Eg if he breaks in she shouldn't be phoning police and saying my son who lives here broke a window (which would be a low priority call), she should be saying an intruder has entered into my home via breaking a window and is in here with me and my small children (which requires an immediate response).

Your mother needs to contact women's aid for advice and help on getting him out of her life. There are ways, but she needs to consistently engage with the necessary actions. She probably has to move, realistically and cut contact with violent son so he doesn't know where she lives. Your brother has no rights to live there, assuming you're in UK.

He can't live there because of minors in the house and he's a danger from a safeguarding perspective. She's actually failing her other DC with her decision not to tackle this issue of her violent son effectively. If social services knew, they'd remove the other DC without a doubt, as she currently isn't trying hard enough to keep them safe and instead is actively choosing to put them at risk of harm. Mental and physical harm has already occurred too. Which makes her an unfit parent.

It can be done, getting him out permanently, he doesn't have to stay living with your mum forever that's just what he's had you all believing with his threats and violence. Why hasn't he been arrested for attempted murder yet? Is your mum not reporting anything? She should be reporting everything. It's important as evidence, even if an individual report goes nowhere. His behaviour is criminal.

I suggest that even if he appears to have a miraculous change in the future, you still remain NC, he's not a safe person to be around and not everyone deserves another chance. If you haven't reported his crime against you, you still can. Even if it's past some statute of limitations to do anything about it, it still provides information so the authorities can build a picture of the kind of person he is and could help the next person he does it to to be believed.

Thank you for your advice, my mother is in France & I am not so rarely around to be completely sure of what has happened and my mom is reluctant to give me the whole truth. I do know she went to the police with my grandma to try and see what could be done but apparently they just weren’t interested and said something along the lines of since it’s his home (as in it’s his main address) he cannot be forcibly removed which seems absolutely insane to me.

But also my bio dad (who is also said brother’s dad) was extremely violent towards my mother and very little was done by the police and even in terms of custody it took a lot of things and a lot of abuse and mainly neglect on his part for him to lose his parental rights (though thankfully we have had very little contact with him since we were very little). So I sadly don’t have much doubt that the police is of very little help as most women in France who get killed by a partner had requested police assistance and help in being kept safe and were failed by the system, especially as the French system is extremely lenient on crimes, especially violence more so intra-familial violences.

My mother also loves her son, she is at the end of her tether with him but she loves him and would never want him to go to jail or be in trouble due to something she does against him. I have a very complex relationship with my mother due to the fact that she tends to let violent men into her life and the life of her children (formerly her partners and now my brother), and just wait for them to leave her/leave on their own terms (which she’s been lucky they have tbh though always after years or decades of abuse) she is now slowly starting to see the light and being more receptive to feedback as to how ridiculous that is to wait for someone violent who has everything at his service to leave, especially if there is no incesitive for him to do so, but it seems it’s still too hard for her to go the extra step and cut tie with my brother (which is what she should do tbh) or to put her foot down come what may, I think a bit like OP she just hopes there is a reality in which he will suddenly become nice and independent and we can all develop an healthy relationship. But that’s not how things work as yes I would still be no-contact even if he changed tomorrow because I don’t believe a 29yo man who still use violence and physical threat as his way to go through life can genuinely change and the trauma is done.

I am having lots of talks with my mom about how now it’s about protecting my sister all other siblings are adults (youngest brother being 18) and she needs to wake up and protect her from violence because out of all of us she is the one who was lucky to not grow up with a violent dad so she shouldn’t then see violence and live under the terror of one sibling. That part seems to get to her and I am taking my mom on a trip in a couple of weeks with no other siblings which we never do so will have deeper and longer conversations about my sibling(s) and hopefully establishing a plan of action.

Currently her solution was to maybe sell her house and move somewhere else (possibly another region) and not tell him where and only meet in other places which might be the one thing that work but it just seems insane that a mother should uproot her entire life to run away from her child without leaving an address to find “peace”.

So I do want to look into resources for her she just needs to be in the right mindset for it. I do think she is slowly getting there after decades of taking in abuse because her motto has always been a broken family that stick together is better than no family. While me and my (other) siblings are slowly teaching her that actually we would have preferred her to leave and raise us alone than tolerate and have us tolerate a lot of the things she tolerated (and nowadays continue to tolerate with that one sibling). I know me and my siblings have been reluctant to go to the police etc… more out of respect for my mother as she is the one who bears the brunt of it and the consequences it could have on her than anything though my youngest did go actually and again because they are brothers it seemed it was treated as a mere family dispute and so they have kept a record of it but didn’t do anything about it, which I am sure only emboldens him and disheart us to fight back as ignoring him just is much easier.

That’s why regarding the OP I think it does take years for children to be able to see the full spectrum of their childhood and where the fault (if any lies) and to be able to take a step back and do the mature thing, of understanding certain things, yet I still think bonds should never be forced but violence of any kind should never be tolerated. I think it’s a parents role to guide children to express their opinion and feelings in a way they feel heard and understood and maybe even validated without letting them lash out onto others in the process be it verbally or physically. No one should feel worse at home than they do outside that’s why I feel so much for her DS2 because it is horrible to have someone/multiple people who should be part of building you up (aka your siblings/family) tearing you down and being the reason behind why your light goes out little by little. Home should always be a safe space/place.

Funny that, very likely! I am a teacher and over 18 years I have met many sets of 3+ siblings where all were ... idiots for the lack of better word, with a nice "odd one out" kid where you wonder why the others could not be this pleasant.

"There were times" also suggest there were many times all worked great and it seems they had a very privileged upbringing, not lacking anything. Which may have contributed to their selfishness.

I'd read it the other way, especially as OP seems to minimise the effect it had on her dc.
There were times means that it happened frequently enough for it to be a known thing. If it had been once every five years then I'd expect it to be "a couple of times" as that's all it could be as she says he's 17yo and has been mostly better in the last 4 years.
And if it was as little as that I'm sure she would have clarified that because she's tried to justify it anyway.

And we don't know enough to know they had a very privileged upbringing, not lacking anything (well, barring a few holidays, we do know that). Yes, they went to private school. Means they had a good bit of money before they spent it on school fees, but doesn't mean they wanted for nothing - and even if they had several million pounds that doesn't mean they didn't want emotionally, does it?

But it doesn't mean that physically they wanted for nothing either.

And dc#2 had the same upbringing too.

That makes it even weirder.

MULTIPLE sets of siblings who are mean self-centred egoists? Out of nowhere? Just that way from utero?

Or, more probably, existing in a home environment with emotionally immature parents or parent? Hmmmm.

This, the favourite wünderkind being the poor outlier too I’d wager!

Why would she respond when she is being mobbed by a bunch of fantasists parading as psychiatrists.

Right. As well as admitting she's spent years nagging at them, lecturing them and weeping at them and is considering financial coercion to get them back under her control this stuck out "He didn't throw a tantrum or beg" why would that be considered noteworthy?

She also states that it's only recently they've stopped (allowing her to force them to) inviting him. They've been forced to slow their lives and always put the favoured child first and include him like it or lump it. And now they're refusing to do so, it's just that simple. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg is an thing to praise him for.

She admits they've been resentful of their parents up till now and sees it as them now turning on the favoured child.

The reality is that being resentful of and speaking to their parents got them precisely nowhere. They've finally realised that their parents can no longer force them to babysit their less able brother. They just didn't have the confidence and power to say no before. And since their parents can't be moved they're taking it out on the source - the only way to hurt their parents.

I do feel sorry for the favoured son. His parents have well and truly messed up his relationship with his siblings.

OP needs to get herself and her husband into therapy, but she won't of course.

As well as admitting she's spent years nagging at them, lecturing them and weeping at them and is considering financial coercion to get them back under her control

But the 3 DC are doing something nasty and harmful - bullying their other sibling. In those circumstances it’s not abusive to nag, lecture, weep etc. It’s called parenting and doing what you can to try to make your kids nicer people. Should she have just kept quiet while they said horrible things to and about their brother?

If the 3 DC were doing something else nasty and harmful - let’s say, stealing money from her - would it be ok for her to nag lecture and weep? Or would she be expected to just put up with that?