My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

Material advantages do not compensate for emotional neglect.

You’ve no idea how privileged their peer group was or wasn’t. There’s ton of state schools in good areas. Lots of people including immigrants give up many things to send their kids private.

Writing people off as privileged brats doesn’t achieve anything.

And as I said the poorest group in my school bullied me. Were they privileged brats too? One of them has since taken her own life. Maybe if she’d be happier she wouldn’t have needed to bully me. You need to treat the cause not just the symptoms.

Do you think the friends are really treating him with contempt, or are they perfectly normal in only wanting to hang out with the sibling they are actually friends with, and OP is interpreting that as yet another slight against her golden child?

OP has "othered" DS2 throughout his life, and now his siblings are understandably doing the same in return. The most fucked up thing I've read on this thread is her post musing that her 15 year old and 17 year old should find somewhere else to live.

There's a load of massive assumptions here. I think the fact they went to private school is irrelevant. We know nothing about who their friends are, what their like, what influence their friends have had on them or even what's been said to them. All the OP has really said is the siblings friends don't include the 19 year old which isn't anything outrageous.

And if I had been looking forward to a holiday or event and it was cancelled at the last minute on several occasions, you can absolutely guarantee I'd feel resentful over this. And it would have nothing to do with my friendship group. I'd probably see it as parents favouring a child and that sibling holding everything back. Kids see things from the point of view of being kids, not as parents.

The last point is totally nuts. Also all 4 of them but presumably mostly the younger two are at quite a significant life stage. Should they not be focused on what their plans for the future are?
I honestly think if Op put more actually hands-on effort into other 3 things would organically improve.

She needs to show the 3 that she in fact loves them just as much as DS. That she doesn’t write off their achievements as a given almost because she has them classed in her head as strong & healthy.

In what universe is being diabled and being a problem mutually exclusive?- that's nonsense, plenty of people use disability or illness to dominate a family.

With sibling alienation you invariably have one who influences the others. There is one who has a more dominating character who leads. And persuades the others to join in against the other sibling.
It is becoming better understood. Details about it are online.

I'm referring to the irony of people saying that the siblings are horrible unkind people excluding their brother for kicks and then detailing a list of very definitely unkind things they would do to the siblings to retaliate.

Yep. She needs to see them as individuals, not as “DS’ siblings”.

Even her own thread title names them in relation to DS2. Why not “three of my children are being cruel to my fourth?”

If that’s how they’ve lived their lives then no wonder they are lashing out.

I must have read you wrong. In that case I totally agree!

I think the descriptions of DS2 comes across like Op and DS2 have a particularly strong emotional connection. She sees him as this vulnerable but artistically talented kid who other people outside of the family appreciate the way she does.

I have no doubt she loves the other 3 but likely doenst have that connection. And they know it.

So you'd kick out a 17-year-old and a 15-year-old because they didn't invite their 19-year-old brother to a concert and have significant feelings of resentment because their parents pushed the trauma of his birth onto his siblings and made them feel lesser?

Obviously this is written by AI (tells are the grammar, the use of "the hardest thing is," and "what bothers me most," to start each short paragraph, and referring to DS19 nearly dying at birth multiple times then calling it "his story"). How much of OP's post is true, I don't know. But if it is, the problem here is that OP favoured DS19 for his entire life into adulthood, neglected the needs of the amorphous blob of three other siblings and turned them to glass children, and created an environment where they turned into bullies. OP is unreasonable, no question. She just may not be real.

One dominant sibling recruiting the others may not be something that is happening here at all. Per OP’s own words, all three have reasons to be resentful. They are all the less favored children, and their turning to one another for support can quite naturally happen without the presence
or influence of one malignant overlord.

I have googled it, and what I found within studies on sibling estrangement is quite interesting:

“Risk factors for sibling abuse include: parental unavailability, a lack of parental supervision, parent–child attachment difficulties, poor or ineffective parenting, low level of paternal involvement and acceptance, differential treatment of siblings; high levels of conflict in spousal and parent–child subsystems; high levels or stress and ineffective coping strategies; and inappropriate expectations placed on older siblings to provide significant sibling care”

“Although no studies have examined the relationship between PDT and estrangement, parental preference of one sibling over another is linked to poorer sibling relationships from early childhood through adolescence”

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0192513X211064876

Outside of a Psychology Today article on this dynamic in relation to inheritance disputes, I’ve found little on sibling alienation that isn’t primarily concerned with the dysfunctional environment that produced it. In most cases it seems the siblings are the product of dysfunctional parenting, and are modeling the golden child/scapegoat dynamic established and/or encouraged by the parents.

It is almost the first thing that is said when you google sibling alienation.
That one sibling alienates the others. And encourages others to do likewise.
It might be unpalatable but that is what often happens.

You have created a dynamic between your children where there is one who is prioritised with family holidays repeatedly cancelled when he was sick rather than you or your husband taking the other three children away. This is always going to be read by your three "other" children as favouritism and in doing so you've created an "us" and "them" dynamic in your home.

The more you do to judge and punish the three siblings who are close to each other, the more you will reinforce the dynamic. Of course it upsets you to see that they aren't close to each other, but this is as a result of the environment that you raised them in. You need to stop seeing this as a moral failing on their behalf, and start accepting that there are serious long term consequences to favouritism.

I would strongly suggest you engage seriously with therapy. Given the dynamics at play I would suggest doing family therapy as a 6 plus individual therapy. This will provide a safe space for all your children to explore their feelings and the impact on them without engaging in blame. If you don't make a change you run a strong risk that once your other 3 children grow up and move out, they will go no contact with you and their golden child brother.

Sure, that was the Psychology Today article I referenced, focusing on inheritance disputes.

The studies I’ve found on sibling estrangement consider it within context of wider dysfunctional family dynamics and unhealthy parenting.

I meant to say this in my previous message, but wanted to add it here.

You said in your first message "But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known."

What you don't seem to understand is that in centring the family around your second son, you have made your other children feeling like outsiders. As a result they have banded together, and now you threatening to cut them off/kick them out just reinforces that notion.

Sibling alienation is not quite the same as sibling estrangement.

I think this is a very good point. You and DS2 clearly have a very strong bond. I had a stronger bond with one of my kids so I put the work in with the other one and it worked.

Op seems to have concluded that the poor behaviour is a reflection on 3 childen rather than the outcome of the environment. Worrying about how they might behave in the wider world is placing all the blame on them you see yourself as having tried everything, but you haven’t. Because everything done was a reaction to how they treat DS2.

OP says he's not disabled. He had a few difficulties (asthma-like symptoms) when he was very little.

I would say as someone with extensive experience of both state and private schools going back 30 years as a parent and teacher that there are more emotionally mature and thoughtful children on average at state schools as they often have had to get used to not getting everything they want from a young age. This is obviously a generalisation but I would definitely say there are more very entitled young people at private schools.

OP says he is not disabled though, He does his own thing, has his own interests and goes off with his own friends.

He had some problems as a very young child with respiratory symptoms (corrected by a small nasal operation) and OP didn't want the other 3 to do fun trips without him. The fact that OP is bursting into tears 20 years later to guilt them about not including her "miracle" child (her words) suggests that OP's trauma and reactions over the years has driven a wedge between the sibling group.

Even with the posts being AI, it's pretty clear there's a golden child dynamic here. Look at the title. She has one son and her other kids are downgraded to his siblings. Their only importance is their relationship to the golden child.

And she's harsh on them. She wants extreme punishments for them not taking him on their concert outing.

She's driving her own kids away and considering cutting off financial support even to minors because they don't participate as supporting characters in her story. Son2 supposedly almost died and had a minor ENT surgery and this made her feel special. Was he really that seriously ill the times they cancelled vacations and activities? Was he hospitalized or home with a cold? Are the friends really rude or are they just there to see their friends?

Alienation and estrangement are synonyms. Indeed, from googling they seem used interchangeably,

Either way, all the sources I found considered estrangement and/or alienation within the wider context of dysfunctional at best family environments, and as a product of unhealthy parenting. Oftentimes when the golden child - scapegoat dynamic has already been established by the parent/s.

Once again, once again though: One dominant sibling recruiting the others may not be something that is happening here at all. Per OP’s own words, all three have reasons to be resentful. They are all the less favored children, and their turning to one another for support can quite naturally happen without the presence or influence of one malignant overlord.

Sending you lots of love OP. This is a horrible situation. I hope your son 19, can find his place in the world and continue to thrive, despite his siblings.