My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

I have twins who are now adults.

They had vicious (verbal) fights all through their childhood and teenage years.

i stopped them from bring physical with each other (house rule was no hitting) but I had to separate them well over 100 times as toddlers and young children before that one got through.

sibling rivalry is so common there are whole books written on it and many parents now do the whole baby brought a present for the older sibling thing.

in all honesty if you think someone saying to their sibling that they wished they hadn’t been born is seriously verbally abusive then I’m not sure what to say.

many dc physically fight until quite old - my ExH remembers physical fights until he was about 14 and he’s got lots of stories about persuading his brother to eat chocolates he’d put saliva in etc.

having a love/hate relationship with your siblings is totally normal, as is with your parents.

most parents have been told by their teens “I hate you!” Complete with door slam and flounce up to bedroom.

my dc certainly have done that on many occasions and to each other as well as me.

If they are allowed to have those kinds of rows with each other but not with the favoured one then yes it’ll be clear that there is a two tier family.

My dds have never shared their social lives since they hit their teens because they have very little in common and for DD2 (the non-disabled sibling) it was an important opportunity to have some time away from her sister which was really needed at some points. There would have been WWIII if I had expected DD2 to allow DD1 to tag along with her friends to "include" her in everything. The sort of "all siblings socializing with each other" is pretty unusual.

In the post you quoted - I said that the language is unacceptable and I agree you should clamp down on this. But your description highlights your own unresolved trauma about the very precious child who almost died as it is not unknown for siblings (now and again) to say really horrible things to each other (of the "wish you were dead" variety). I understand how you feel - I really do as DD1 was the child that almost died for me - although I came closer to death that day. I think you need to look for some therapy - individual and family to come to terms with your feelings that your children have to feel the same way as you, and understand your trauma about their brother. I did therapy before having DD2 and I'm glad I did.

I don't think you can turn back the clock but you seem to insist that DS2 (19) doesn't miss out on anything and push the others to accommodate him - I don't understand why a single day out would need to be cancelled because their brother had a severe cold. If he couldn't go - nobody could go, it seems. I can see how this created a toxic dynamic.

I would also ask honestly - how much "inclusion" has the 19 year old needed in the last 3 or 4 years? Are there still things that have been cancelled because he is tired or not strong? Or is your attitude still that if he isn't invited they all get to hear about it from you? It seems to be your pain that may be driving the siblings apart.

In my family I let the kids find their own friends and interests and didn't force "togetherness" and in their early 20s they became good friends.

Yes have you ever talked to them and listened about their feelings without bringing it back to oh but brother had it hard, he was sick, but if you just try with brother.

Zero excuses zero trying to make them basically play together.

Just listen and hear them. No excuses.

Pick one of your other children, your eldest say in particular. His sick baby brother will have affected him massively from 1 year old onwards. As a baby himself he will have gone on the back burner.

Now can you tell the story from his point of view rather than your second chold? How does he tell it? 'robert came along and suddenly you were both gone for weeks while I was with granny, I ended up doing extra days in nursery, I've always had this vagei feeling of. Wing forgotten...' or whatever. How does he describe it to you? What does he say is at the root of the resentment? You e given us a huge narrative from ds2 points of view while your other children are like. Homogenous lump all considered as 'ds2s soblings'

It comes off as if you're still very traumatised from ds2 birth and life but has that impacted everythingore than you know? Or is it just how this is writte? Try reconsidering and writing from ds1 persoective

He’s 19. This is an adult. OP weirdly talks about him like he’s a young child.

Id never want to be in a family that had a favorite child or ask to be a carer.
Most kids at that age op have their own friends doing their own thing.
Not all siblings are going to get on no matter how close in age they are.

Im pleased im an orphan no family drama.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three.

Read that back
And ask yourself why they are fed up

That’s AI for you!

But making 3 kids miss out on things, even a day trip, because their brother has a cold does not foster good relationships. I am severely disabled and DH and the DDs wanted to do an inaccessible day out last weekend - so I stayed home and let them do something they really wanted to do without me.

But he didn’t die the day he was born Op. funny just today I had a colleague say her son was born with a score of 1 & had to be resuscitated. Your kids have not had children & are not old enough to understand the anxiety around a birth going wrong. Your DS didn’t die the day he was born, he almost did but he lived. And it sounds like his near death was talked about a lot considering all he had to live with was bad immune system. Not something like a serious disability from lack of oxygen.

I would strongly advise you never to mention it to his siblings again.

I think you need to try to understand the sibling relationship at a primal level. They are competing for mummy’s attention. And 3 of them think they didnt get enough of it.

I think you need to be clear what the rules are , I don’t think they should be forced to take DS to a concert but they need to be polite when speaking to him

So how many times did you cancel a holiday because he had a cold?

Them not including him is probably a safety mechanism because they remember things be cancelled when he was ill. So if he gets ill before the concert then you won't let any of them go.

The fact that they actually do so much together, rather than friends, suggests that they have felt the need to emotionally rely on each other a lot.

They need to be polite and civil but they don't need to be friends

Oh OP! Reading your replies you seem completely blind to the fact that you DO come across as favouring your second born.

Your children not wanting to hang around with their brother is not going to get any better by you considering cutting them off their financial support or telling them to move out, it will have the opposite effect and ensure they never want to hang out with him. Although it would be YOU doing those things they would see it as HIM being a problem and making their lives harder again as this would be down to you PROTECTING HIM AGAIN. Which it seems is a reoccurring thing in your household. unfortunately OP the damage is done. Maybe in the future they will connect more but you can’t force them to be close. All you can do is enforce that they can not be nasty and bully their brother. If you hear them say something nasty then you call them out and have consequences for their behaviour. But this rule has to apply to everyone (so even is the siblings who gets on says something to each other it’s the same rule and not just if anything is said to second born.

Not all siblings get along. And that is ok. Although upsetting for you that three get along and leave out their brother it’s not common for siblings to hang out like friends. I love my sister, but don’t hang out with her really. We catch up at family events ect but I can probably count on one hand the amount of times we specifically arranged to go out together.

Your children are angry because they feel you didn't give them enough or equal attention growing up. You speak about your son like he is holier than though and this adds to their frustration. You can't see it from their side because you won't take off your rose tinted glasses.

I'm not saying I agree with your children's behaviour towards you son but this will be the reason. You need to spend more time thinking about your other children and their experience not just "you did the best you can and did the right thing and poor son." You will drive the wedge deeper if you don't change how you are handling this.

I have two siblings one is my twin ans one as well who almost died at birth. And guess what, we didn't do EVERYTHING together. Sometimes the two of them would go off and do something together. Sometimes I would with one sibling and then with another . Sometimes I felt left out, im sure Sometimes they did. We fell out and said things to each other. It's life. You can't sit and force them all to get on and their resentment is easy to understand if they've missed out on things.

I'm not sure what on earth is to be achieved by crying in front of them. You're the parents. It's your role to listen to your children. Not emotionally manipulate them by crying in front of them.

And I'm also not sure also what's to be achieved as well by saying their friends aren't welcome and your going to tell them go live elsewhere if they don't include their brother. All you're going to do is further fracture relationships between your children and yourselves and reinforce to them that your prefer your second son.

Oh dear op. I’m the oldest of four, my next brother down was extremely ill as a baby and again as a teenager (hospitalised for 2 years)

My mum in particular was very good at giving us all time 1:1 with her so we all had a chance to talk through worries or concerns or even just life updates and it meant that we were confident that our parents loved us even when my brother was naturally the focus. The fact that mum loved driving and insisted on company definitely helped.

Family stuff (holidays etc) included my brother unless he was an inpatient and were scaled back so that there things for us all to do and then we went away on our own or with friends when we were older. We wouldn’t have bullied him for a minute, but we also didn’t have to include him. Due to age ranges, we didn’t do much just siblings - I’m 10 years older than my youngest sibling but we did have different groups and weren’t all included in everything.

If this is real, I think you have to spend 1:1 time with your other children to get to know them as individuals, crack down on the bullying but don’t expect them to do everything together - let them have their own individual lives without their brother.

You say ‘my son’ not their sibling……. You only appear to have 1 son you care about. Others you’re happy to kick out that’s some bizarre parenting.

They missed out on things because of him, now he is missing out on things because of them, might be the way they see it.

that will REALLY make them want to lug him around with them.

You need to acknowledge to them you have fucked up, but that you were trying your best.

You don't have to allow their friends round, though. Although that will be another nail in the coffin of your relationships.

Perhaps instead of pitching a fit, you could do one-on-one time with them and get to know them better.

I do feel sorry for your son though - although good for him for making his own friends.

Honestly the amount of self absorbed people on this thread. Many people grow up with illness in the family. Things get cancelled and rearranged it is no biggie. These awful siblings have been at private school, it's clearly fed their arrogance and entitlement.

Encourage your 15yr old to socialise with their own friends, ditto the 17yr dd and God knows what the 20yr is doing encouraging all this shit bullying and exclusion id suggest they access therapy to give them strategies to work on their socialskills.

@Marielouisee I was the child in your DS 2 situation. My siblings were absolutely horrible to me throughout my childhood and teen years. With hindsight I can see that my parents were forced to prioritise my needs at some very important stages in their early years. That must lead to a deep rooted jealousy and is difficult to overcome.

I had very little social interaction with them at all and many very negative experiences. I looked outside my immediate family for friendships and have, throughout my life had significant friendships.

My parents should have intervened more for sure but nothing could have enticed them to like me or include me.

As adults we are actually very close and love one another dearly. It took a long time.

I think you have to let your son know you have his back and encourage all his outside interests. It may change later.

Get them all to get part time jobs to pay for themselves too. I would not be funding it. What does the 20yr old even do apart from bully his db?

There’s a name for this and it’s called ‘glass children’ when the needs of the healthy children are completely overlooked to the point that only the child with health issues is catered for. You should have done 1-1 parenting

I agree many people grow up with illness in the family. But most families don’t cancel everything at the drop of a hat because of it.

Your main beef seems to be private school - which is your issue not theirs - most kids don’t generally care whether their school is fee-paying or not.

You've acknowledged in your first post that you aren't perfect. And I think mistakes have been made. That not withstanding, it sounds like you have tried to do your best by your children.

I can feel the pain in your post. As a parent of a child who is also constantly excluded by his peers for being different, I have so much empathy for you. And I hope you all find a way through. It's so difficult.

You are getting a lot of unfair comments on here. Especially the parentification ones.