My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

How would you feel if your own siblings constantly excluded you? How would you feel if they said things like, "I wish you were never born," or "I wish you were never part of this family"? They've said those things knowing full well that he almost died the day he was born. Everyone in our family knows that part of his story, which makes those comments even more heartbreaking.

But you see - more drama. ‘He almost died’.. ‘heartbreaking’ - this is manipulation rather than straight talking. It would be more profitable to discuss why they feel like this that makes them come out with such things.

What has the fact that he nearly died when he was a kid got to do with anything? My sister almost died when she was very young, my parents never mentioned it.

And why are you threatening to throw a 15 and 17 year old out of the house, because you don’t like the consequences of your parenting choices?

Instead of demanding they’re nicer to their brother - why not sit down and ask them sincerely and humbly - how this has all come about. There may be dynamics you’re not even aware of.

Okay I’m calling BS on this thread. That’s another largely AI written post. The OP is avoiding commenting on their obvious use of AI and keeps the focus on how awful the siblings are without engaging with the frequently mentioned glass children phenomenon or the idea of therapy and why they’ve not considered that obvious step. It’s engagement baiting AI slop from a user that’s never posted before that I for one have taken too seriously.

a normal viral illness like a cold, can cause severe respiratory illness in a child with weak lungs, looking after that child at home is frightening and exhausting, and that’s if they don’t need hospitalising. its not like having a kid at home with their leg in a plaster cast, where the rest of the family can still go to Disneyland.

Me and my sister don't speak to our youngest sister. She's always been the favourite and we've had to bend over backwards to look after her, do what she wanted and we were expected to sacrifice for her. If we went anywhere we had to spend any money we had on presents for her, go bed when she did because she didn't like being on her own etc. If you speak to my mother they didn't treat her any different and she's a lovely person who never does any wrong and we are awful to her. We aren't ,my sister is an obnoxious, spoilt twat. She could commit murder in front of my parents and they'd find excuses for her and it would be another siblings fault. Twat sister always plays the victim but she's an entitled, shit stirring cow. Parents having a favourite ( whether they admit it or not) is always obvious to the other children.

Hard as it is to hear OP you have created this situation with your DH. You clearly favour the sick son even if you can’t admit it. Children don’t develop these personalities from nowhere. One you could say was an aberration but 3 is not. You haven’t said a single nice thing about them. I have a brother who was a right royal pain in the arse and absorbed all my parents attention. I haven’t spoken to him for 10 years. My mum comes out with the same stuff you have - absolutely refuses to see that pandering to the squeaky wheel the entire time leads to this sort of schism. It’s fixable it only if you acknowledge your part in this.

Yep, the names and hatred that’s been heaped on the 3 eevvvil
dc is horrendous, op hasn’t said, yes I don’t like what they are doing but they’re not “evil cunts”.
I’m wondering if this is a version of a reverse where op is actually the left out sibling?

It’s something weird for sure. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but the AI use and avoidance of engaging on anything except how terrible they are… it’s dodgy af.

Well they clearly get their lack of compassion from you op.

Because everything is the three children are horrible and tough shit and my poor poor baby waby he nearly died you no as a baby 19 years ago my miracle.

You’ve not listen to them. You created the monster and if you want to make it worse sure kick out the 20 year old. Watch the 17 year old move in with him as soon as she can afford to and watch the 15 year old follow suit.

Then yes watch them cut you off. So the little Miracle baby gets all the inheritance obviously because they are the only nice child.

Watch or rather hear from afar what great lives the other three have. Hear on the grape vine about their weddings and their babies and how great they find their in-laws who are the parents they never had.

What is actually wrong with your DS that caused the others to build up such resentment?

So basically you've favoured the youngest for years and you're now annoyed that the other kids now they're older and can think for themselves aren't joining in the bowing down and kissing his backside. You and your golden child have reaped what YOU have sown. Blame yourself not your other children.

Are we sure this isn't AI chat bot slop? Some of the replies are 100% ChatGPT format

There is a well-known phrase for a common relationship between siblings, coined by Freud; sibling rivalry. My brother and I fought (literally and violently) right from the start. He poured scorn on my ambitions. But we both did very well on utterly different fields. Then he got cancer and I spent his last days with him. A terrible experience for him and the worst days of my life for that matter.

Second oldest. Bad birth. Nearly died. Low/weak immune system so a cold is a whole month event. Dodgy nose that needed fixing with surgery.

So the other three spent their whole lives having anything fun cancelled the second child 2 got a cold.

I think the undying problem is that your have not treated each of your children as individuals all with different needed , your emphasis has been attending to the needs of your 19 years old and bunching the other 3 sets of needs together . As as they enter adulthood they are sick and tired of having to tolerate the difference levels of important you have placed on them all At some point you and your husband could have operated separately and one of you taken the 19 year to whatever treatment he needed or stayed at home with him if he was unwell, and the other could have taken the others out to an activity.or the planned holiday. Maybe not every time but some of the times they lost out.

has you 19 year had a specific medical diagnosis? It might help him and them if there was an independent medical opinion they they could understand, that supports the extra time devoted to him, because at the moment the other 3 just see the favourite son getting more of your time and even now your interest in their change attitude is all about the impact on the 19 year old

I think you need to organise some professional family counselling if you are going to try to improve the family relationships and future dynamics . I do think they are being cruel to your 19 year son, but I get that they feel you dont care as much about them so they may well feel why should they care about you your other son. All Very sad.

No it’s not. They’re asking their children not to bully someone in their household by exclusion. They’re asking them to be thoughtful, rather than cruel and thoughtless.

What they are doing is horrible.

@Marielouiseewhen you have spoken to your 3 children about their behaviour towards their sibling what have they said to you?

Your posts are very much focused on the feelings and experiences of your 19 year old.

It would be helpful I think if you could post as neutrally as you are able on the views your other children have expressed.

I think so too.

Interesting. I think they are monumentally selfish. Imagine going to a gig or whatever and refusing to take your sibling. Such poor behaviour. They should be ashamed.

I think the wording of this is harsh, but I came to the same conclusion.

But I don’t think the holidays are the key bit, I suspect it’s your whole approach to DS2 compared to your 3 other children.

Treating one child better and very obviously is parental bullying of the other 3. The parents have caused this by being cruel and thoughtless to the other 3 children and putting the youngest first. What the parents have done is horrible.

“A lot of people keep telling me to sit down with my other kids one-on-one, acknowledge their resentment, listen to their anger, and try to understand where they're coming from. I appreciate that advice, but they don't know how many times we've already done exactly that. My husband and I have had countless conversations over the years. We've listened. We've apologized for the times they felt they missed out. We've tried family discussions, individual talks, setting boundaries, encouraging them to rebuild their relationship. Nothing has changed.”

I suggested you spend one to one time with them… but NOT to persuade them to be nicer to their brother. NOT to resolve the situation, to correct their faults. Spend time with them to rebuild the relationship. Spend time with them to build a connection, get to know them, prove they are worth parental attention.

NOT because they are right and you are wrong. Not because they deserve better.

Purely because as the adults in the situation, you can’t keep on doing the thing that isn’t working.
You need to change the dynamic, do whatever you can to get a different result. Absolutely DON’T do more of the same, punishing them for not having the relationship you think they should have with their brother.

Your three children sound like spoilt, mean little fuckers but that leads me to question have you ever asked them directly why they behave this way? They must have what they believe to be a valid reason.
My children have a sibling with disabilities and their life experiences were no doubt impacted by his needs. They don’t treat him like thst, if anything he treats them with indifference and doesn’t seek a relationship with them.
Thst hurts me, as I know it hurts my youngest dd who misses her childhood buddy. As he’s got older though and become more self aware, his ASD has started impacting him more than as a child and therefore his relationships. I understand your hurt.
You need to really pick this apart if you want to resolve it- bartering and begging will likely cause more strain on everyone.

I appreciate your are the heartbroken mother but if only you could see how your extreme bias and denial.of the issues comes across to them. It doesn't matter that some holidays were not cancelled, it matters to them that some were, and their needs and their disappointment hasn't been treated as important. Virtually every part of your posts is about your 19 years needs and vehemently defending them , and not theirs. If he is not disabled doesn't need a carer and has his own friends why didn't you get him concert tickets for him and his friends to go out together, and try to normalise what he can do perfectly well for himself?

At 16/17 things changed, so the younger ones were 13 and 11 at that point? Tbh should have been nipped in the bud then, with actual proper punishments for rudeness, bullying etc.

At the age they are now, I'd say you need to put your foot down and put some proper rules and consequences in place. Oldest is old enough to move out if they disagree! Based on your posts, I'm assuming you're paying for phones, maybe kids have use of a car, pocket money, etc.
Don't force them to hang out together, but draw a line under the rudeness, the pretending he's not there etc. No friends round if they're being rude or pretending he doesn't exist, challenge any talk along the lines of wishing he wasn't part of the family. Get them to apologise if they do say these things, and put proper sanctions in place if they do! They don't need to be best pals all the time, and its fine for the others to do things they enjoy without him, but it shouldn't always be exclusionary!

I'd also consider funding some sibling bonding time, on the condition that they all attend and usual house rules apply (so no rudeness, no icing him out etc). Either a meal or an activity, without you, but with all 4 of them. They don't need to be friends, but they do need to be siblings, and be kind and respectful to each other.

Also, family therapy. This isn't normal behaviour, and you need to all deal with your issues with the help of someone who's properly qualified!

How would you feel if your own siblings constantly excluded you?

Mine did and parents colluded with that as an adult. TBH with adult eyes my parents often made it worse as a teen.

At 19 you need to encouage him to move away from them - is uni - living away from home with new start an option?

Call out obvious unkind comments but likely patterns have been set. I'm unclear why so much was cancelled in childhood- I'd have probably gone ahead and tried to comfort to ill child left behind or not planned as much in first place.

Now like PP says I'd focus on individual children and your and DH relationship with them - you can't control their relationships with each other really - bar insist on basic decent behavior but you can encourage it and I suspect at minute your making it worse with guilt tripping.