Managing other people's children

[QuickLemur]

I have a friend who occasionally asks me to look after her son. Should be a non issue, our sons get on, but he has zero respect for property or other people

My son is more quiet and needs 30 mins after school just watching the television or chatting to decompress before going outside to play etc. Had said to them both that is what we were doing, got them drinks and snacks. Other boy repeatedly leaping on furniture (9yo) and kicking footballs INDOORS despite being asked not to. Kicked over drinks onto carpet etc

Went outside and it got worse - trashed our garden, broke washing line by repeatedly pulling on it despite being asked not to. Then complained about dinner and not being taken to McDonald's

I did tell this child they cant do certain things and the response was always well I do it at home

I had already agreed to have him again this week and I am already dreading it. He was very put out when I managed him - we have clear rules about respecting property and people etc, and he doesn't get that at home at all.

Every time I said no thanks we don't do that he shrugged his shoulders. Maybe one minute respite then carries on. Parents think he's a complete angel . Aibu to discipline other people's children in my home, or is this now completely frowned upon? I would have no issue if it was the other way round!

Id just refuse to have him over, presume you have mentioned Childs behaviour to mum, what had she said about, offered to replace broken items etc

It depends on what you mean by discipline. What do you mean?

I used to look after another child fairly regularly. My style is different to his Mum.

I set boundaries, consequences and follow through. It took him a bit of time to get used to this. There was one sad afternoon when the child I cared for most often basically said to him “when Bea says something will happen it happens” after I removed his friend’s snack after three warnings about sitting eating nicely or it would be removed. My kid then followed up with “but she means it for good things too”.

after an adjustment period we used to rub along reasonably well.

I saw him for the first time in a few years at the weekend (kids went to separate schools and while they have seen each other, I’ve seen him). I was heartened that he came bounding up to me and regaled me with tales of year 1 at uni. So obviously not scarred for life!!!

Other people's DC get treated exactly the same as my own and all my DC have been in trouble for not enforcing the rules when I think they were definitely old enough to. I shouldn't have to follow 2 10 year olds around the house, especially when I'm trying to cook them dinner.

Tell you friend EXACTLY what happened and tell her that you are simply not prepared to do it again.

If she gets upset, no loss IMO.

I never accepted any poor behaviour.
I did stop two children in their tracks, tell them they must be so tired as they were not behaving and I would now call mum to collect them.

Instant change.
They knew i meant business.

Cancel. He was so poorly behaved he broke your line and he spilled stuff and refused to listen to you.

She gets upset, too bad. He's no longer allowed at your home because of his bad behaviour.

Your house your rules simple as that.
We dont behave like that herewe have a different way of doing things if you want to carry on playing with ( sons name ) then you do as your told .. end of id tell his mum.

I don’t give a fuck who I upset or offend. I’d have blown a gasket if I’d had a child behave like that in my house. No fucks given about raising my voice or being stern.

He’d be firmly told to pack that in, start behaving or he’d be on his way home and will never set foot in this house again.

I would start to make up excuses when she asks you to look after him.

Or you could be honest with her and tell her what he did that day, let her know that he wouldn’t listen to you. She’s bounD to punish him then, because she will still want the childcare.

I think you are fine to tell him off/punch him though.

Don't make excuses, be honest.

I banned a kid from my house in primary 1, last year dd asked if she could come in, absolutely fucking not, never ever again. Told her mum exactly why, funnily enough had a massive argument with her mum in primary 7 after she broke dds phone and school ipad on separate occasions, deputy headteacher actually called me over the weekend and said they would have my back, maybe she would listen to me as she hadn't with them.

Dhs best friends kids I watched at least one day a week for years , they bit scratched and hit each other constantly, they were wild. They often did the same to my twins, as a final straw I told them we would come round their house tomorrow and the twins who were very placid would do the same to them, that stopped them!

My ds only really became a boys boy when we has 8ish, but his rather feisty group know I'll not take any shit from them.

"we don't have that rule at home" would be met with "mores the pity, as you clearly need it"

I’d happily discipline other people’s kids at my house. My kids were well behaved so I wasn’t going to put up with other people’s kids bad behaviour. We always had a house full of kids and kids enjoyed coming to our house.
in your situation I’d let the parents know and either say you can’t do it next week or that you will but that you will take it day by day. I’d also let them know of any damage as, if they are normal, decent people, they will want to pay for the damage.

I was the strictest dm of our group. Maybe because I had 4 and they had 1/2.
Oddly they always wanted to spend time at our house given the chance.

Outdoor activities and a picnic tea op. Lounge off limits and mean it.

Absolutely this, save yourself and your house!

when reading these kind of posts I always wonder who are these parents with such awful children. It’s obviously not us numsnetters - our cherubs are perfect so it must be the children who’s parents aren’t on mumsnet!

The only thing I'd say is unreasonable was you having him again when he behaved like this. Most parents I know would have called his parents that same day and told them to pick him up when he behaved like this (and yes, obviously many of the children in my family/friendship groups do have additional/medical needs, but that is totally different to entitled behaviour because the parents think their kid is perfect).

To be honest, I tried to say "yes" wherever possible to my DDs when they were growing up and tried not to upset them where possible etc..(obviously I'm human and would lose my shit at times when tired and overwrought) but on the whole I was very mindful about being a reasonable parent who would explain things instead of shouting....(some might say too soft?) but my approach obviously worked as they would never behave like this, especially in someone else's house. They are really polite and respectful and everyone says what lovely, sensible and well mannered girls they are. It makes you wonder how this child has been parented. There is some unbelievably shit parenting going on isn't there?....

That's what I'm thinking. I'm telling him strongly what doesn't work. If he can't listen, I'm taking him straight back. My home is not the place for anyone's poorly raised children.

In my experience the worst behaved children had very soft nice parents.
People like me wouldn't tolerate any bullshit from my children and they knew it.
I called them once in the park and they came.
None of this 45 minutes asking, for a kicking tantrum to be witnessed by everyone.
This was 20 years ago too.
I would say I was a 95%+ Yes parent too.
But when I said No, I meant it.
They knew if I said I would do something, I would.

They argued loudly about sharing the PC4 and couldn't agree on who went on when.

It was disconnected for the whole weekend. I didn't budge despite their pleadings.
I warned them to keep it down.
It never happened again, they sorted it out quietly among themselves.

I knew of people whose kids argued all weekend so they bought a second PC4 to solve it, rather than have them work it out.

My boys are very close, they worked it out.

Not sure about that.
It depends what you mean by "nice" and "soft"
IME, it's the parents that I hear screaming "oi, Chelsea, get here!!!!!" that have the most ultimately disturbed kids....rather than "Chelsea, come here please".
If you model good behaviour, your children will naturally emulate you.
If you speak respectfully to your kids, they will learn to speak respectfully to you and others.
You can be soft and nice whilst at the same time be firm.
Your kids probably behaved because they were terrified of you. That's only a short term fix. Better to have them behave because they want to/respect you rather than doing it under some sort of forced fear.
I'm for democratic parenting rather than authoritarian. Firm but fair.

Mom knows he’s a bit much. That’s why she’s sending him to you. Just rescind the invitation.

Thanks so much for all the replies. In terms of some of the specific comments - no of course we don't have footballs in the house, he got a ball from his school bag.

And yes I absolutely do think it's fine to set boundaries / tell him right from wrong, it's just that the world seems to have got to the stage where I was suddenly doubting myself for having been firm with the boy - he made it clear he wasn't happy and the next day at school told me son how horrid I was apparently. I know that's ridiculous but I had started questioning did I go to far (with hindsight and more time to reflect I absolutely didn't).

There is no discipline at home - what he wants, he gets. I didn't tell the mum how bad it had been because I have tried before and it goes absolutely nowhere. We are actually good friends and have been for a long time (we just have completely and utterly contrasting parenting styles). I have tried before to talk to her, and it got really difficult. I need to try again and talk about last week I think but accept it may end the friendship. thanks for all the advice

Thanks so much - this really hit a chord.you are right.

Hopefully it doesn't end the friendship, but you must tell her you're not looking after him again, and why.

YABU for planning to have him back!

I'm a childminder and hear 'mummy says I can' 'I do that at home' all the time. My response is always 'well mummy's not here so it's my rules' and 'do it at home then but you can't do it here'.

A 9 year old doing something I don't want them to eg jumping on sofa, I'd tell them nicely once, no jumping on the sofa, and if they did it again I'd find them somewhere to sit down with me to calm down - kitchen chair, bottom stair.

Also if school aged kids are getting too rowdy or playing inappropriately, I give them one chance to find themselves something else to do or I will find them a calm activity (usually colouring at the kitchen table).

Children over the age of about 4 never need more than one chance or warning before you impose a consequence.
As soon as you start asking repeatedly or giving one more chance they know they can safely ignore you.