Managing other people's children

[QuickLemur]

I have a friend who occasionally asks me to look after her son. Should be a non issue, our sons get on, but he has zero respect for property or other people

My son is more quiet and needs 30 mins after school just watching the television or chatting to decompress before going outside to play etc. Had said to them both that is what we were doing, got them drinks and snacks. Other boy repeatedly leaping on furniture (9yo) and kicking footballs INDOORS despite being asked not to. Kicked over drinks onto carpet etc

Went outside and it got worse - trashed our garden, broke washing line by repeatedly pulling on it despite being asked not to. Then complained about dinner and not being taken to McDonald's

I did tell this child they cant do certain things and the response was always well I do it at home

I had already agreed to have him again this week and I am already dreading it. He was very put out when I managed him - we have clear rules about respecting property and people etc, and he doesn't get that at home at all.

Every time I said no thanks we don't do that he shrugged his shoulders. Maybe one minute respite then carries on. Parents think he's a complete angel . Aibu to discipline other people's children in my home, or is this now completely frowned upon? I would have no issue if it was the other way round!

YABU to have him over again. Hell is other people's children!

I've had a few with the 'I'm allowed to at home...' talk. To which I generally call bullshit, as I doubt very much that any mothers would allow behaviour I have seen - it's the little buggers trying it on because they think you won't tell them off. The phrase, 'well, not here you don't' is often enough (because they're just pushing to see how far they can go).

The time two visiting boys threw spaghetti on my ceiling and then swung on, and broke, my washing line (I was busy with the baby) was a particular low point. They never did it again though

You are not being unreasonable to set boundaries eg: no kicking footballs in the house or any other reasonable house rules. i would be kind but direct with this child. Eg: We dont kick balls indoors because its dangerous and could cause damage to things or people. If he said "well i do it at home" id say we dont do it here in this home ,so if you want to do that you can go home if you prefer?
It a safeguarding issue.
The ball kicking indoors triggered me a bit, some years ago my son had a friend like this boy. Kicking a ball around the living room ,asked him repeated politely not to do that ,he laughed and said he did it at home, suddenly he scored a direct hit on my antique overmantel mirror ,it shattered and the shards fell around him ,he looked like he was sitting on the iron throne game of Thrones style, I made eye contact with him and as calmly as i could said "dont move please" . He didnt and i cleared the way and scooped him up. He cried ,mainly terrifed his parents would be cross and relief he handnt been impales in think. I said thats why i dont like balls being kicked in the house and he never did again. I realised he hadn't had any boundaries at home and just had no comprehension of dangers .

I am a GM and there is no way I would put up with that behaviour from any child at any time. Through experience I have found that a lot children who are 'good' at home are nightmares in other people's houses. I do wonder if they are left to reek havoc no matter where they are.

Fuck that shit! Hope his parents paid for a few mirror!

You could tell your friend what he did and say you are happy to help but just be aware you won't be allowing those things and so will be telling him off if he does them.

He's a brat & should never visit again.
But I do wonder why OP - and others on this thread - have balls in the house?
And allow them to be used indoors ?

Telling a child to stop doing something destructive in your house is not disciplining him, it's just setting a boundary. Hitting a child, yelling at them, confining them to the naughty step etc is disciplining and unless the parents give you permission beforehand you shouldn't be doing that. (Probably shouldn't be hitting your own, never mind someone else's!)
Anyone, adult or child, who couldn't abide by my boundaries wouldn't be coming back to my house.

I wouldn't let that child in my home again; it is disrespectful and bad behaviour. Maybe play at park trampoline type places in future.

Stop babysitting this boy.

You don't have the right to force your son to put up with this behaviour when he should be able to feel safe and comfortable and relax in his own home.

And the fact that they get on at school is not relevant. They're not at school, he is setting a horrible example for your son and stressing him out in his own home.

Firstly stop asking him not to do things,tell him. The 'I do that at home' is why schools etc all say 'we don't do that here' these days, because often that is what they do at home.

my DS best friend was barred from my house from the age of 2-13 because he was too much of a handful 🙄
I can say that both boys are delightful, polite and calm young men who are a joy to have around. But boy was he hard work as a small kid - climbed up book cases, emptied all boxes and cupboards, would get up to no good mixing ‘potions’

I claimed on household insurance i had an accidental damage thing that covered it. The parents were apologetic but they didn't offer to reimburse me....

Speaking as someone who has been through decades of play dates, few friendships continue once you criticise someone else’s child, even in a very mild, gentle, constructive way, either because the parent is truly blind to their offspring’s faults, or bc they are beginning to realise that their child’s behaviour is unacceptable and they feel guilty or overwhelmed about it.

Even if they are genuinely unaware now, sadly it will gradually dawn on them as their child’s gets invited to fewer and fewer play dates and receives fewer and fewer party invitations.

It’s not the child’s fault. Especially if the parent is not willing to listen to others about their behaviour. And it might not be totally the parents fault either, but it is rarely possible to effect change through honest discussion. You would hope so, but in reality it doesn’t work between friends, as too much emotion is involved.

After years of experience I would say that:

~ if you want to keep your friendship, then you make up some excuse as to why you are not available for baby-sitting any more but you can socialise with the boy’s mother (eg you have a new dog that you can’t trust with children coming over)

~if you on balance don’t really care about the friendship, then tell the mother that the boy is destructive and doesn’t respond to polite instructions and you won’t be inviting him back.

Generally speaking op, I would advise that your time and energy are finite, and it tends to work out that you make friends and stay friends with people who share your own parenting philosophy and values, and except in a crisis or an emergency, you can quietly withdraw from hosting the rest.

This is going to sound harsh but it’s not your responsibility op to “save” or parent this kid, however much you want to. And in reality, his parents are much more likely to be open to taking advice from a professional whom they are paying to look after him.

I used to say to a visiting child, you’ll just have to cope with the meal/rules/lack of tv. It worked

I'm confused, have you not mentioned this to your friend??

A 9 year old is old enough to follow rules and if they don’t, they’re a brat who doesn’t have to behave at home because their parents don’t tell them no!
We have some normal rules in our house for my son and his friends when he has friends over- no going in our bed room or office. That’s it! Never had anyone be naughty enough to tell them to stop, but I would.
Once I took a boy home because he completely ignored my son, and just wanted to play with his toys and got them all out all over the living room, my son was trying to interact but he said “I just want to play with these”. Off he went! You don’t get to come over, make a mess and ignore my son for 3 hours.
Kids are all different but it’s perfectly fine to discipline a kid in your home. It was done in the 80s and 90s in my friends houses !

"So sorry, cant do that playdate anymore, maybe another time. I'll let you know..."

I had a similar experience - this girl came over who was in DD’s class at school and had asked if she could come to play. Her parents and brother dropped her off and all said excitedly said “we’re going to X without her!” which should have been a sign. She demanded to do various things and then would immediately say she was bored. Then she said “I want you to take me to the retail park shopping where you can buy me a present. My mummy says I’m allowed to do what I like.” I said “no, you asked to come round and play and that is what you are doing!”. She turned her nose up at the food I made and demanded to be taken to McDonalds. Again I said no. She made DD cry by being nasty to her and refusing to share DD’s toys. In the end DD and I sat together watching TV while the monster was upstairs messing DD’s bedroom up. The parents and brother came to pick her up and her dad said laughing “it’s been great to have a break from her!” Bloody do something about her behaviour then!

We said no when she asked to come again.

I would cancel if I were you!

I don't think you can back out now but you do need to say to your friend that her son wouldn't listen and did a few things that you told him weren't allowed last time and your stuff got damaged or broken. And tell her that if he does that again you will five him a warning but after that you would need to drop him off somewhere else so you need a backup plan

I'd be honest (ish) and say you don't want to do this week because her son appeared to hate being there, didn't behave brilliantly and it was too stressful for everyone.

Lol, a 9 year old kid is wrecking your house and garden and "No thanks, we don't do that" is how you're dealing with it?

You're either going to have to woman up OP or stop having him over.

"Aibu to discipline other people's children in my home, or is this now completely frowned upon?"

Jesus wept 🤦‍♀️

I think it would be unfair to tell the parents without also disciplining the child first. Ideally discipline and only speak to the parents if its failed or is a pattern of behaviour. Firstly it's highly unlikely the child will tell the parents if they have been naughty because at 9 they know this already. Secondly, telling the parents without trying to discipline the child is unfair on the parents and is simply telling tales, what is a parent supposed to do in that situation? They will ask the child what happened and the child will deny it or give a different BS version, nothing will come of it. Discipline has to be immediate to be effective, telling a kid hours later that they are in trouble for doing something in another house will feel unfair to the child, plus if they deny it there is a whole trust issue now and it's highly unlikely the parent will follow through. All it does is cause an unnecessary argument. I'd be mortified if my kid misbehaved in another's house but I also would feel powerless about it unless it was an ongoing issue at home too. I would be upset that someone couldn't deal with the situation as it arose and put me into that difficult and unfair position.

You described my child when have friends over (boys) it feels like I have a different child. Although outside and in other people houses, school, etc he is amazing and very very well mannered. That said, you could describe me as an terrible parent, however because I was struggling for so long with this and couldn’t understand why it is only happening when some boys friends are in my home ( with girls he is completely ,,normal,, ) after professional advice (from different directions and not only one) its a sort of ADHD and its because he doesn’t have time to decompress from school to home and another sort of spectrum when his mind tries to prove the perfection etc, so never play dates after school straight and always playdates after a good night sleep and good breakfast/lunch works for us. I had to work around my son a lot to be able to understand him. That said, he has a friend as you described in my house (almost every week) which I could cry about but I was able to see past it, so each play date I remind that child about our rules, constantly and after about 4-5 months he is even helping me with dinner and said his parents never allow him to help with anything and he can stay on the video game as much as he likes as long as he is quiet. So its not always just about the child, its about if you can see past the presentation and have the availability to help the child. Kids love rules

I had similar issues with a child my daughter used to play with, she didn’t respect the rules or my daughter’s property so we had to get tough and limit what she could and couldn’t play with and after her Mum had complained about an issue I enforced a no playing upstairs rule so I could keep an eye on them (they were both 9 at the time). It got to a point where neither me nor my daughter were comfortable having her in the house and would turn her away if she asked to come over. Now my daughter is in secondary school she brings friends home who are welcomed as long as they respect our boundaries, and anyone who doesn’t respect us is not allowed back.

I always find it hard when speaking to other parents about their children’s behaviours or airing a grievance either me or my daughter have with a particular child and the parent denies that their child can do no wrong and my daughter is the problem or makes threats against me. I would be very upset if a parent complained to me that my child had not listened to an adult or did something a friend’s parents didn’t approve of, usually her excuse with the child we had the problem with was she was “made to do it and her friend wouldn’t take no for an answer” in which case I would tell her that she has a mind of her own and doesn’t have to do what others say.