AIBU to leave a great partner because our life goals differ?

[SparklyGreyPoet]

im with a very sweet man - extremely kind, funny, and great with my young DS who is now 3.5. Trustworthy too.

I am 30 in November. He is 33.

he is very content living at home, enjoying weddings abroad and weekends away with his friends. All things I appreciate a young man without responsibilities would want to do.

it’s been 2 years of dating/togetherness. During this time I don’t feel we have progressed greatly, have met family and friends but the integration with my DS has been minimal - he is happy to get involved when I ask but he never really broaches the subject.

I had a long term relationship with DS father - 10 years as was together extremely young. I am now in a position where I would like to buy and think about progressing forward in life - perhaps another DC at some point and would like to get married should that ever arise.

DP hasn’t put much thought into his future, has said that he’d hope he’s moved out in the next few years if he can save in that time, but the impression I get is it’s not high on the priority list. Which of course is fine for someone who is happy with this lifestyle. I’m concerned that I may not get what I want from life if I continue with the relationship.

the men in my family are sceptical and feel I should stick this out as meeting someone else will set me back further in life. They feel it safer to bide time and hope he comes round to wanting the same as me. The women in my family are pretty direct and feel our goals will never align and it’s time to love and leave.

I am torn. AIBU to leave a great great man just because our goals don’t align at this very moment?

Lots of comments here about me still living at home - I have rented for many years and moved back home temporarily whilst I save to buy a home. This is completely different to the situation of my DP thank you very much.

YABU for dating a man who does no housework.

Jeepers, my son is 10 years younger than your DP and willingly contributes to the running of the household. As many have said, you would be taking on a man child. The other thing that stands out for me is that there is no mention of love or excitement at the prospect of living together. I could not bear to be in such a flat relationship and I think you know it is going nowhere or you wouldn't have posted.

Yes it is different. My dd lived at home while dating her manchild but she was working hard to progress her career and saving hard for a deposit to buy her own home. He however was content in a part time minimum wage job. Living at home isn't in itself the issue its the not using the time to save and prepare for the future.

Thank you all for your replies

You deserve better

This. I’m astonished you persevered past the first date, OP. Unambitious, passive, drifting, low-earning, no real ability to conceive of the future, happy to live at home as if he’s still at school? If you got together with your child’s father in your teens, and are otherwise inexperienced at relationships, this may explain why you thought that was acceptable initially.

On a more serious note, I don’t think a boyfriend of two years should be remotely ‘integrated’ with your three year old. Many mothers would only have introduced them within the last six months or so.

@SparklyGreyPoet honestly, sort yourself out and get on with your own goals.
You're both living with parents but you have a firm intention to buy a home. He doesn't have that drive. So push forward with your plans regardless and accept you and your daughter as being your own little family.
Achieve and value your own independence first. Any reader of MN will see how often relying on a man has unhappy outcomes.

Your the ant, he's the grasshopper.

Find another ant.

He isn’t interested in developing his career.
He doesn’t do housework in the home he lives in.
He doesn’t pay rent in the home he lives in.

OP, he isn’t husband material, and he is not step- father material.

You, OP, sound awesome. Ditch this man child and find yourself someone who is grown, who will join your life with enthusiasm 😊

Some advice. If you buy then do so on your own. Even if he makes noises about committment etc... he may view this as his golden ticket to move out of his parents place. I think you said he has no savings so unless he contributes half then do it alone.The last thing you want is for a messy break up. Having said that he hasnt really demonstrated any desire to be with you or your son. He maybe all those things you describe but the one thing he isnt is dependable so although it might be hard you need to start phasing him out of your life.

He's already getting a lot out of life with minimal effort on his part. What makes you think he will give up that ease to achieve long-term goals with you? It sounds like everything is just far too easy for him, and he likes it that way.

I think this sort of apathy can kick in when adults live at home for too long with accommodating parents, sadly it's more and more common. Anyone renting with flatmates at 33 would be determined to move on, anyone with a child also has a clock ticking as the child ages. It sounds to me like things aren't aligning but I think you need to address this too. Have a very serious uninterrupted conversation with him and set goals, short term and long term. This may involve saving or researching where to live, whatever it is if he doesn't put energy and priority into this goal then it will show you where he really is at. If you love each other you can make it work but things need to change. Funny your post doesn't mention love just that he is a good guy. Just because he is a good person doesn't mean he is right for you.

How on earth does he not have significant savings? My daughter saved something like £5000 in a year or so when she got her first job and still lived at home. She moved out when still a young adult as she wanted her independence. He'd had more than 10 years as an adult but doesn't seem to have realised that.

He is a boyfriend, and a casual one at that, not a 'partner'.

If you are wanting someone to share a life with, he's not it. He should be excited and energised by you, not indifferent.

You have your head screwed on and are seeing things exactly as they are- trust yourself.
This is not your life partner. Move on and find your equal.

I think you’re in a tough and frustrating situation. He has essentially misled you. You asked, he replied but has unwittingly not followed through on his intentions. He would be a nightmare to live with- expecting all the comforts of his mother’s care, all the money of his cost-free lifestyle and the holidays etc to continue. He’s a man without responsibility and has not proved himself of value. It’s easy to be nice when you have no chores and responsibilities. I would not commit to him at all in any way, until he has proved he can do housework, rent/pay a mortgage, budget, parent, save, deny himself treats for other people benefit etc. Realistically to have got to this stage and not done these things is worrying- he maybe able to, but it’s more likely to take a decade of pain and mentoring to get there. It’s sadly not really worth it. There are fully fledged, decent, kind, hard working men out there. He may become one, but he’s not one yet.

Has he become a caregiver for them? If they are older and it's mutually beneficial (eg not mum washing his pants), that might be ok. It's normal in some cultures. But lack of savings would bother me. I wouldn't marry him as your assets would be at risk, and I'd watch this common law proposal from government.

I’m sorry, but for a 33 year old, this screams ‘LOSER!’

Move on. You have time now, but you won’t if you draw this out.

This. He's obviously happy as things are, and why wouldn't he be? Personally, I'd be a little concerned at dating a man of his age that's still living under his parent's roof ... but he sounds lovely in every other respect, so I'd want to give him a chance before ending things. Have the talk, tell him what you've told us about your wants and expectations, and see how he reacts. The problem is that at the moment he's leading a very carefree life, with not too many (if any) responsibilities, and what you want would change that hugely. He may not want to change - have that chat, and take it from there, but I fear he might not be 'marriage material'!

He is biding his time before he meets 'the one', I am afraid. You need to look after yourself, not be providing him with his comforts. Put yourself first, you are young, don't waste your youth on a non-starter.