AIBU to leave a great partner because our life goals differ?

[SparklyGreyPoet]

im with a very sweet man - extremely kind, funny, and great with my young DS who is now 3.5. Trustworthy too.

I am 30 in November. He is 33.

he is very content living at home, enjoying weddings abroad and weekends away with his friends. All things I appreciate a young man without responsibilities would want to do.

it’s been 2 years of dating/togetherness. During this time I don’t feel we have progressed greatly, have met family and friends but the integration with my DS has been minimal - he is happy to get involved when I ask but he never really broaches the subject.

I had a long term relationship with DS father - 10 years as was together extremely young. I am now in a position where I would like to buy and think about progressing forward in life - perhaps another DC at some point and would like to get married should that ever arise.

DP hasn’t put much thought into his future, has said that he’d hope he’s moved out in the next few years if he can save in that time, but the impression I get is it’s not high on the priority list. Which of course is fine for someone who is happy with this lifestyle. I’m concerned that I may not get what I want from life if I continue with the relationship.

the men in my family are sceptical and feel I should stick this out as meeting someone else will set me back further in life. They feel it safer to bide time and hope he comes round to wanting the same as me. The women in my family are pretty direct and feel our goals will never align and it’s time to love and leave.

I am torn. AIBU to leave a great great man just because our goals don’t align at this very moment?

If you're sure he'd make a good partner long term, I'd be direct and say you're buying a house next year with or without him, if he'd like to buy together he needs to contribute x and you'll protect each person's share. Personally I'd buy the house you like and can afford on your own to avoid risk.

I'd be worried about being the first person he's lived with from his parents. You'll become his mother if you're not careful.

He doesn't seem to have much oomph to better himself for 33.

He won't change his mind. I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like you aren't compatible. Neither of you should have to change your goals, and if they don't align then it's time to say goodbye. My best friend desperately hoped that her partner would change his mind about having children, he never did and they split a few years later. She always regretted not making the call sooner.

You can't call a man you've never lived with a "great great partner."

From all you've described... He's an absolute loser.

OP, I am sure he is not for you. I think you need someone on the same page. He is still living at home. I think you'd be taking on another child if he moved in.

I am outraged on your behalf that the men in your family feel you won't meet someone else! Of course you will! You met DS's dad and this one. Third time lucky, perhaps.

Buy your own house and get yourself a fully fledged grown up next time. This isn't about money at all but about the drive and commitment to do things, including making a future with you. He doesn't sound like he has that. I don't think it's personal. You need someone who does.

The living at home wouldn’t be a big issue for me IF he was as actively saving for his own property and pulled his weight at home. My husband lived at home until we got married when he was 30. However, he was saving to build our house. If you don’t see a future with him then walk away now.

This is not a man you want to live with or marry. He hasn't grown up and that's pretty common with men who go straight from parents taking care of them to wife taking care of them. You'll have another child all right but it will be him.

You know the answer, but you're pretending (to yourself) that you can't see it.

33 at home. No thanks ❌

God, no. Throw this 33yo man-child back.

I wouldn't find it attractive either. But I also think it will become more of the norm if young people can't get jobs.

Obviously current 33 year olds had an easier time of it though that doesn't mean they can afford to buy a house.

33 years old, never paid rent or bills yet has no savings- he is not a keeper! Sounds more like an 18 year old!

@SparklyGreyPoet he sounds like a perfect example of ‘failed to launch’.

no savings. No adulting. Living with his parents. No responsibility. Coasting through life. Can’t manage or attempt to manage or contribute to the household he lives in. Probably wouldn’t offer or attempt if he lived with you. Would be the epitome of weaponised incompetence if he tried.

I'm sorry but 33 and still like this. Nahhhhh.

you will be forever the adult, the bread winner. The driving force. The organiser.

Absolutely pathetic man. How can you be attracted to him?

If you keep dating him you're actively signing up to be his maid, sugar mummy and landlady.

Nah!! He's not bothered enough. His life is easy, has the perfect set up. Everything done for him, very little expenses and a GF for everything else. He's a bit of a manchild with no ambition to improve. He's happy with his lot. You aren't. Cant see this in the long term unless you are happy to put up with it and have him staying at yours in the future while 'living' with mum and dad. Dont have a baby with him.

Funny thing is that OP also lives at home!

I have always observed that the saying “if he wanted to he would” is very true with men of that age. I’ve watched my friends be in dead end relationships, but as soon as the relationship ends and the man moves on to someone else that (unfortunately) they like more they’re keen to move out, get engaged and start families.
It doesn’t sound as if he’s ready to settle into family life which is what you need for you and your little one.

Odd that’s not been picked up on…

He’s 33 and not making plans for the future. I’d say he’s enjoying your relationship as it is- without a lot of commitment. He’s into you- but not that into you.

My prediction is that he will meet someone else fairly quickly after you finish with him and then he’ll marry her within a very short time frame. This is often how it plays out. Sorry. Not what you want to hear.

On the other hand, he may realise what he’s going to lose if you finish with him and then be more open to commitment.

Either way you need to finish with him and be prepared to go through with it if necessary. Decision time for him. I don’t think you should wait any longer.

x post with the same observation

Run for the hills. 33 & still living at home with no savings. You’re not even in the same book, never mind on the same page

OP had an adult life for 10 years though, then temporarily moved back home. This guy has never adulted by the sounds of it.

Who comes to the relationship with the biggest challenge for the other?

Manchild

If you like him, keep it going. Having goals is fine, but you never know what tomorrow will bring, and being with a decent person is what matters most, rather than a cruel rich one who has his own mansion.
Living with his parents is a positive in that I'd be reluctant to be with a man who didn't get on with his family, as if you marry, you'll be joining said family.

So he's 33 and been living at home, presumably always? Presumably working? For well over a decade now and he has no savings to show for it? He's just pissed his money up the wall on lads nights or holidays? He is a man child and I feel like this isn't going to change sadly.