AIBU to leave a great partner because our life goals differ?

[SparklyGreyPoet]

im with a very sweet man - extremely kind, funny, and great with my young DS who is now 3.5. Trustworthy too.

I am 30 in November. He is 33.

he is very content living at home, enjoying weddings abroad and weekends away with his friends. All things I appreciate a young man without responsibilities would want to do.

it’s been 2 years of dating/togetherness. During this time I don’t feel we have progressed greatly, have met family and friends but the integration with my DS has been minimal - he is happy to get involved when I ask but he never really broaches the subject.

I had a long term relationship with DS father - 10 years as was together extremely young. I am now in a position where I would like to buy and think about progressing forward in life - perhaps another DC at some point and would like to get married should that ever arise.

DP hasn’t put much thought into his future, has said that he’d hope he’s moved out in the next few years if he can save in that time, but the impression I get is it’s not high on the priority list. Which of course is fine for someone who is happy with this lifestyle. I’m concerned that I may not get what I want from life if I continue with the relationship.

the men in my family are sceptical and feel I should stick this out as meeting someone else will set me back further in life. They feel it safer to bide time and hope he comes round to wanting the same as me. The women in my family are pretty direct and feel our goals will never align and it’s time to love and leave.

I am torn. AIBU to leave a great great man just because our goals don’t align at this very moment?

He sounds like a giant baby. ‘Too many commitments’ to move out of home or save up for his own place ? Ick

You are not compatible. If you would be happy only having your DS and no more children, then there is no rush to find someone who is better for you.

Sounds like you set out to recreate a happy family scenario and are prepared to ignore the warning signs to achieve this. Go it alone - whatever that looks like. Buy a home on your own and if you can't afford to, then rent. Forget another baby for now. He clearly isn't looking to be a stepdad, not really, and that's fine tbh. He's currently enjoying his freedom and lack of responsibilities, but nothing in your post says that this man is serious about a long term future with you. You need to think of your long term security and your son's. Rushing into a relationship with a manchild and bending over backwards to provide for him, when he shows little sign of being able to provide for himself, is ridiculous.

Ye are together two years and only a year and a half before that you had a child with someone else- would you not be taking it slow if you were him too? You sound like you’re running to set up a whole family dynamic

@Morepositivemum thats not the case by any means - there’s no rush or timeline I just simply would like to be on the same page as my partner in terms of life goals, it’s nothing to do with recreating a family. Me and DS are a family, anyone is an addition to that. I can buy a home on my own and I have plenty of friends and family, I thought our goals aligned as this is what I was told from the start and have since learned that they do not, hence the doubt.

It sounds like you are fundamentally different people.

There is no way I would have been living at home at his age with so escape plan. But if he doesn’t have the earning potential to buy alone, what would the incentive be to save?

I agree you should do this alone - but a house and secure your and your son’s future. Cut this one loose. He will be either living with his parents or have moved in with another women in ten years. He doesn’t want the same things as you want

@Bellyblueboy thank you for your reply x

Why not outright ask him?

”I am ready to take the next step forwards, as you know I’ve been saving to buy and am almost ready to start looking. How do you see yourself fitting into that? Are you wanting to live together? What’s your budget for rent & bills?”

I think his response will show you that he’s not ready and hasn’t thought about it one bit. Also I want to challenge the men in your family- picking someone and hoping they will change is the dumbest, most ridiculous thing I’ve read all week (and it’s Friday here). How many ladies have you seen pick a man who’s hopeless and then be sad and surprised when he doesn’t step up? I would go looking for a man who wants the same things you do and clearly shows you and is excited! Really excited about building a life with you.

You can do it for you and your son. The right guy will probably come along who wants exactly what you want and can contribute equally to your future - and who will take an interest in your son.

Hold out for that! Your son deserves it - you deserve it

His taking your lead on what interactions he has with your son may make sense, especially since son's dad is actively in his life. His saying he hopes he'll be able to move out of (I assume) his parents' house in the next few years if he has saved enough sounds like something he plans to do on his own, and he's not thinking of it as a joint decision or even as something involving you. But I can also see why he doesn't feel that much urgency if you are also living with your parents (I may have misunderstood that part).

I think instead of just remembering the original conversation which made it seem that you wanted the same things and checking that he still (says he) does, you need to have a much more specific conversation about where things are heading and a maybe timeline - not necessarily with dates, but what changes need to be made or thing sneed to happen in order to pave the way for living together or marriage or whatever the goal is. I definitely would NOT expect or wait for him to change, but it sounds like you're not even sure what the situation is now in his mind.

Nah. You deserve better OP. He doesn't sound fully invested in the relationship.

Don't be tempted by the fantasy of a happy family with this man. If it was going to happen he would be all for it

You should talk to him about it, because it does not sound like he is in a rush to be fully independent and move out of the family home- in which case you need a different partner.

Has he ever lived away from his parents? Does he pay rent, bills, do his own cooking and laundry?

Two years is a long time for things not to have progressed. He’s still living at home and hasn’t saved much, isn’t really involved in your son’s life & you don’t share the same outlook & goals. However nice & decent he is this doesn’t seem like the solid foundation a relationship needs - you need to be on the same page & after two years he should be involved in your sons & your life more fully.

What are these ‘commitments’ he’s spent his (low) earnings on: holidays and fun trips?

It sounds like you’re incompatible.

It’s likely easier to be nice to the person you’re dating when not fully independent, with some things sorted for you, eg housing/bills. Even more so if he does little cleaning, cooking etc.

So you can’t know what he’d be like should he need to be independent, and as you have a DC it’d be unwise to risk living with him directly from him living in his current situation.

YABU about wanting him to do more with your DC after only 2 years of dating - that wouldn’t be in your DC’s interests should you later split up.

Pretty judgemental. It’s really expensive to move out in some parts of the country. I know people who live with their parents because they’d rather share with people they know and love, than a bunch of strangers.

OP, I don’t think your goals are aligned, and that’s the piece here that’s important. You need to have an honest conversation with him, and go after the future you desire.

He's not your partner, he's your boyfriend. This is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and that's what he wants by the sounds of it.

You want very different things and it sounds like the relationship has run its course (for you, anyway). There's nothing wrong with him or what he's doing but your goals are completely different and this is an extremely import factor in choosing a life partner.

Yes, pretty old to be living at home. Even if he'd spent 10 years training as a doctor or something, you'd expect by 33 there would have been enough time to work and move out. I can't imagine what commitments keep you living with your parents 17 years after you've become an adult.
Sad to say OP because it's a shame when you love someone but it doesn't work for other reasons.

Reminds me a bit of an ex girlfriend of mine...........

Are you intending to remain the bread winner and he becomes the unambitious but nice husband, possibly stay at home dad if you have a baby with him. If you are happy with that sort of relationship fine. If you expect him to suddenly become ambitious and share the financial load I don't think that is going to happen and he may even just want to continue his single life attitude into married life expecting you to be the bread winner and the child minder and facilitate his weekends away with the boys. Definitely need a serious discussion.

Oh my goodness, living with his parents at 33 with no ambition to change things sounds about as unattractive as you can get.

@chirrupybird has basically written my thoughts for me! read it carefully, OP..

I don’t see a problem with a 33 year old still being at home - property is prohibitively expensive in many areas for first time buyers.

But this one doesn’t seem to have the same ambition and drive as op so I don’t seem him as compatible.

I would be cautious about him moving in with you if you buy a house. I suspect that he would want to continue with his current lifestyle and you would be left doing the lions share of the housework as well as paying the bills.

If you buy your own home and allow home
to move in he will remain the same and you will have a cock lodger. You will be the main breadwinner and he will never step up from
his easy life. Quite possibly this is his life plan.