AIBU to leave a great partner because our life goals differ?

[SparklyGreyPoet]

im with a very sweet man - extremely kind, funny, and great with my young DS who is now 3.5. Trustworthy too.

I am 30 in November. He is 33.

he is very content living at home, enjoying weddings abroad and weekends away with his friends. All things I appreciate a young man without responsibilities would want to do.

it’s been 2 years of dating/togetherness. During this time I don’t feel we have progressed greatly, have met family and friends but the integration with my DS has been minimal - he is happy to get involved when I ask but he never really broaches the subject.

I had a long term relationship with DS father - 10 years as was together extremely young. I am now in a position where I would like to buy and think about progressing forward in life - perhaps another DC at some point and would like to get married should that ever arise.

DP hasn’t put much thought into his future, has said that he’d hope he’s moved out in the next few years if he can save in that time, but the impression I get is it’s not high on the priority list. Which of course is fine for someone who is happy with this lifestyle. I’m concerned that I may not get what I want from life if I continue with the relationship.

the men in my family are sceptical and feel I should stick this out as meeting someone else will set me back further in life. They feel it safer to bide time and hope he comes round to wanting the same as me. The women in my family are pretty direct and feel our goals will never align and it’s time to love and leave.

I am torn. AIBU to leave a great great man just because our goals don’t align at this very moment?

Do you mean he hopes to have moved out from his parents ? Because if he actually wanted to he would have been saving like mad. I'd chuck this one back.

@MrsTomRipley Yes, he has had too many commitments over the last couple of years so hasnt thought to save much.

I think having different life goals is a major stumbling block in a relationship.

Sitting around hoping he will change seems absolutely pointless OP.

33 and living at home? Not very attractive in my book.

You've been together 2 years. If he wanted to make a future with you he'd be planning it.

He’s having his cake and eating it. He isn’t going to change.

He can be a great man, but still not be right for you.

If he’s 33 and not actively attempting to get a home of his own, then he’s clearly not thinking about building a future with you. He sounds happy to just bumble along and let life happen to him. Having said that, are you preparing for the possibility that you might not meet anyone for ten years? Or longer? Are you ready to do this by yourself and if someone decent comes along, then great, but if they don’t, then you haven’t put everything on hold to wait for them?

Well I wouldnt be expecting him ti get involved with dc as he isnt his child.

I would sit down and have an honest conversation with him about the time line you want as in buying a house, having another child etc. If he isnt on the same page then time to move on.

I think these fundamental things are pretty essential to long term fit. It's hard to be team mates if you disagree on what winning looks like.

What do you want a partner or a dad for your son as they are very different things.

He sounds like he has no drive or ambition which is very unattractive. Throw him back.

He isn’t sure doesn’t want to spend his life with you.

I think if more couples were aligned in what they want out of life there’d be less divorces. It’s so important to want the same things,
big things anyway.

His growth as an adult appears to have stalled at around 20.

Nice but unambitious men turn me right off.

I think you know deep down that he is not invested deep down if he does not want to get too involved with your son and is having am easy time living free at home.

@OneCoralGoose my DS has a father - I want a life partner and any life partner has to be involved in my DS’ life. If we live together he will always be around.

It’s not clear from your OP that you’ve actually had a conversation with him about what you want from life. That should be Step 1, I would think.

@Appropriateadult - it was one of the first things. I laid out all my cards and explained what I want, he agreed and said he wants the same. Since then nothing has progressed, I recently checked in to reconfirm and this is when I learnt that he hadn’t done much to save or think about the next steps over the next few coming years.

Ok op then he is too cosy. Has his cake ans eating it. Be less available.

Have you actually had a conversation about those goals, personal and as a family? And a practical conversation on how living together, etc would work?

So he's not that interested in you. Or rather he's not interested enough to make plans or be worried he might lose you. Look elsewhere. You're just a convenience for him at the moment but he's not emotionally involved.

He's 33 and living with his parents?

He hasn't fully grown up. He doesn't want responsibility, not of being an adult living on his own or being a life partner or being responsible for your son. He wants an easy life where others take care of him.

You're completely incompatible.

i agree with @ElizaMulvil he’s obviously just not that interested and motivated. as a relatively young man i suspect he’ll be happy with his mates, weddings and get togethers for some time (till 40) seems to be the way young men are now. they are very capable of waiting much longer with little biological need to father children young.

Is it your circumstances that are different or your ambitions

Do you own your own home and do you have a career and ambitions and aspirations?

Does he have the earning potential to own his own home independent of you?

if you had more children, who would the primary earner be between the two of you?

Could he be thinking he doesn’t have to save - if you earn more than him, already own your own house and have a good career trajectory? He just moves out of his parents and in with you?

@Bellyblueboy ambitions I would say - I actively apply to progress my career and always look for opportunities to train and develop myself.

he does not have the ability to own a home independently to myself, his earnings are low. I am the bread winner.

I do not own my own home for him to move into at the moment. I was renting but have moved back home with DS whilst I crash save and start the process of buying a home at the start of next year.