AIBU to leave a great partner because our life goals differ?

[SparklyGreyPoet]

im with a very sweet man - extremely kind, funny, and great with my young DS who is now 3.5. Trustworthy too.

I am 30 in November. He is 33.

he is very content living at home, enjoying weddings abroad and weekends away with his friends. All things I appreciate a young man without responsibilities would want to do.

it’s been 2 years of dating/togetherness. During this time I don’t feel we have progressed greatly, have met family and friends but the integration with my DS has been minimal - he is happy to get involved when I ask but he never really broaches the subject.

I had a long term relationship with DS father - 10 years as was together extremely young. I am now in a position where I would like to buy and think about progressing forward in life - perhaps another DC at some point and would like to get married should that ever arise.

DP hasn’t put much thought into his future, has said that he’d hope he’s moved out in the next few years if he can save in that time, but the impression I get is it’s not high on the priority list. Which of course is fine for someone who is happy with this lifestyle. I’m concerned that I may not get what I want from life if I continue with the relationship.

the men in my family are sceptical and feel I should stick this out as meeting someone else will set me back further in life. They feel it safer to bide time and hope he comes round to wanting the same as me. The women in my family are pretty direct and feel our goals will never align and it’s time to love and leave.

I am torn. AIBU to leave a great great man just because our goals don’t align at this very moment?

@SparklyGreyPoet

As someone who has been with my husband for 25+ years I can tell you this.

Long term relationships don’t last when you don’t accept your partner for how they are. If your life goals are more important than your relationship then it’s best to just accept that and move on.

This is not a criticism just a fact that if you have an idea of what you want in life, and are seeking someone to share that vision with you, then the vision of your future life is more important to you than the journey and true relationship with your partner as an actual person.
That’s fine and in no way inferior to a long term relationship, but I don’t think people recognise it enough and so wonder why both aren’t always possible.

So hes 33 and living at home but even with that leg up he isnt saving to get out?

Peter pan vibes. Ditch.

It is soooooooo easy to be “nice” when you don’t have to worry about paying a mortgage/rent, don’t have the responsibility of raising a child/children, don’t have to adult in any major way.

He’s 33 and lives with his parents, he’ll have minimal outgoings and still hasn’t managed to save, he’ll have minimal demands on his time (aside from his job) I’d bet that his parents do the bulk of the housework and gardening etc.

He probably wouldn’t be so “nice” if he had to cut his spending on fun stuff to contribute to a household, or cut his socialising/relaxing time to raise a child/do the washing up. He’s living like a child, and has no desire to live like an adult, or he’d be taking steps to make that happen.

Don’t fall for the “nice” crap, I was probably the nicest I’d ever been when there were zero demands or expectations on me 🤷‍♀️

This is very much about your goals, your ambitions and your time line. You spoke to him about these early on, but if he was attracted to you, he was bound to make the right noises until he knew how certain he was about you. Unless he wants children of his own quite soon, I can see why he might not be leaping into action. If he is unsure about buying with you, then not having enough savings is the perfect excuse to delay. Pretending to be casual about life is a non-confrontational way of avoiding being pushed into something you don't want to do. I realise that is frustrating for you. It may be that you aren't compatible.

See this is why I've started to think that talking about the future is pointless.

It's too easy for men to say what you want to hear.

By watching a man's actions, you can clearly see if they want to progress or not, and in what direction.

Listen to what their hopes and goals are, without prompting. Are they hoping to be married and be a father? Do they do generous things and act like a teammate? Do they help you with what you need doing?

Observe their work ethic, the plans they make, the things they put their effort into. Watch their financial decisions - spending/saving money is like voting for the lifestyle and future you want.

I'd be really concerned that you would simply in the fulness of time be stepping into the role his parents play in his life currently....ie providing stability, taking care of al lthe boring life admin and enabling the man boy to carry on his aimless life of chasing fun, travel and good times without having to really be responsible for the lifestyle and framework that enable it (mortgage, housekeeping, insurance, utilities etc etc). By 33 he should really be more independent. Be very careful he doesnt just simply transfer the load to you and that you dont end up down the line with a freeloader / cocklodger. Whats appealing when youre young, carefree and gorgeous at 33, becomes tedious and a bore at 55.

Him earning less and you being the main breadwinner could cause issues in future. You may end up being the person who carries everything, financial responsibility, the life admin etc. You might resent this eventually.

Love all the judgement of this guy for living at home when the OP is also living at home. Also he’s good with her son but not trying to be his dad. Isn’t that what people keep saying on other threads is the ideal? That it’s always bad for kids to have a step parent and that if you want to avoid messing them up, stick to dating only? And people are saying two years is a long time whereas on other threads, I have seen a five year relationship described as a flash in the pan.

Hope it works out the way you want it OP but just thought I’d point out the double standards.

I know many female breadwinners. Equal opportunities is what women wanted and in my circles, they have. Is there a problem with that?

Never been an issue with children as most get a years full pay on maternity

Without knowing which degree of '33 and living at home' he is at, it's impossible to tell.

Did he live away from home and do all his own housework/life admin and simply move home to save up to buy? Or does he live at home as an independent adult, doing all his own laundry/cooking and pay his parents a fair rent in order to save up to buy? Or does he live at home in his childhood bedroom with his mum doing everything for him and his dad lending him the car?

At 33 it's likely his parents are still fit and active. What's his plan - to move out when Mum is no longer able to do his washing? Or is he going to live at home long enough to be a carer for them as they age?

It all depends...

If he ever moves in with you I strongly suspect he will become your second son. It's a revolting dynamic and you will end up hating him. I know from experience. As a pp said, you don't actually know what he's like in adult mode, you only know the nice cheerful teenager with no commitments version of him. You sound very clear headed and successful in all other areas of your life. Look out for your own and your sons interest and you'll be grand.

My DD dated a guy like this. Talked the talk but it became obvious that he didn't walk the walk. Talked about doing this and doing that but didn't put anything in place to actually make anything happen. She ended things and life has improved immeasurably. It was 4 years ago and since then she's bought a home on her own, met a wonderful man who showed he was a functioning adult from the start, gets married next month and are buying their forever home, he's driven all this because it matters to him to make sure she knows how important she is to him.

This boy you are dating is not the man for you.

Agree with this

No, he has never lived away from home and doesn’t pay any rent or bills, only a gym membership. Doesn’t do any housework himself.

If he ever moves in with you I strongly suspect he will become your second son.

Yes he will. His parents should never have allowed his current home dynamic to happen. No rent, bills or housework? Ridiculous, keeping him in eternal teenager mode.

OMG run!
He is not a man, he is a teenage boy.

That answers my question as to what kind of 33 year old he is.

He is the eternal teenage kind. He has no idea how much money it costs to run a home, nor how much work.

No, this one isn’t for you imo, he sounds like he’d become a second child if you did move in together! Trust what the women in your life say over the men.

He is wasting your time and has no plan of building a future with you.

Move on.

He's a child in a man's body.

Do yourself a big favour and ditch him. You are worth so much more!

Seeing that you know all this, what made you think that he might be the right man to share your - and your son’s - life with?

I agree with pretty much everyone else. Nice guy, bad fit. I don’t have any problem with anything you’ve described about him, but absolutely never pick someone wanting them to change. Tbh it’s not fair on them either.

Thought experiment: imagine you’re 40 and he’s 43, and nothing has changed. Exactly the same situation. Is that the future you want? If not, you know what to do.

Er - the same life goals is a pretty fundamental part of a relationship surely…

Doing no housework and no rent or bills at 33? Massive red flags.

There's nothing "nice guy" about letting your parents pay for you and do your washing and cleaning at 33. And there is no way he's going to pull his weight financially or in the home if you ended up living together.

You say it’s usual for a young man but he’s 33, not 23. I’m 33 and whilst in the grand scheme of things I know this is still relatively young, I feel poles apart from someone in their early 20s. I think he’s experiencing arrested development personally. I don’t know many people this age happy to be living with mummy and daddy still. I’d literally die. He just sounds far more immature than you, I’d cut your losses.