AIBU to expect MIL to arrange DH’s 50th birthday gift herself?

[WithTwoGiantBoys]

It's a MIL one.

DH turns 50 next week, MIL has messaged me to ask me to choose, schedule, book and pay for an experience gift for him, she doesn't mind what it is up to a certain budget. I'm working full time and work is absolutely manic, I haven't even sorted out what I am getting him (for complicated reasons I am conflicted about getting him anything at all), so aibu for thinking that as she has been retired for 20 years she has time to sort this out herself?

Time to stand firm OP. Match their energy. Your husband clearly isn't interested in birthdays ... especially yours, so don't bother with him. At least don't put yourself out for him. Just tell mil you are not available ATM due to other commitments.

As your husband didn’t buy you anything for your special birthdays and your MIL doesn’t like you anyway, I wouldn’t be buying a single present!
Your MIL has time to sort her own and your husband doesn’t deserve anything. Stay firm!

Just sort out a voucher for The Pig or another hotel, or theatre tickets to a show you would both enjoy.

YABU.

Not because you want MiL to buy her son's present herself but because you're even posting about it when your DH can't be arsed to buy you anything.

You are hurt and resentful about the way he reats you but are unable to match his energy and you're stressing over being unable to be clear with MiL that she needs to do her own footwork?

Neither of these things are actually hard. To MiL you just say "MiL, you're going to have to sort DH's present yourself if you're going to get him something. I do not have the time or inclination."

Then take a deep breath, think what budget would be reasonable for DH's 50th and then spend that on something for yourself. Admire it everyday (or if it's an experience, keep a photo on your lock screen) and start to appreciate and value yourself a bit more.

Getting her to pay for your present to him kills two birds with one stone if you don’t want to rock the boat too much. Tell her he’d love a weekend away / meal out and can she transfer you the money. Then when he asks what you got him tell him you got him the exclusive personal concierge service of being his mother’s birthday agent.

Does she know how to look for and book experiences?
Does she believe she's out of touch with what's available?

In which case she should have politely said that she did not want to do it and been clear about it. No need to be horrible in doing so, just clear.
She has made a suggestion but MIL wasn’t keen on it.
I agree with you, if MIL is able to go shopping she might want to get something else.
But the fundamental problem is a lack of communication. Not asking why, what, or how about ?

Don't think of it as revenge @WithTwoGiantBoys - think of it as mirroring his effort. If he is then upset by that, it's a good jumping off point for a discussion about why it's OK for you but not for him. If he's not upset by that, you know going forward significant birthdays aren't marked and arrange your own treats, if that's something you can live with.

Bat it straight fucking back then.

"Sorry, dont have time to sort. I'm sure he will love whatever you manage to come up with"

Just tell her it would be a waste of money because he would probably let the voucher run out, and suggest she get him a spa day or afternoon tea for two at a local hotel.

You are at least 20 years younger than she is
people get old and less capable and less confident

For those asking, it feels horrible to not get him anything because giving gifts is important to me, so not doing this seems petty and mean and denies me doing something I usually enjoy. Tit for tat point scoring isn't really great in a long marriage and he is mostly otherwise good about stuff - just seems to have this weird blind spot. It also doesn't model anything particularly pleasant to my boys.

MIL is perfectly capable and hasn't liked the things I have suggested so far, but I think I am going to tell her I will book one of them anyway - it costs more than she wants to spend (but is for both of us) so I can make up the difference, it can be a joint present and I will get something I will enjoy out it. If she grumbles again about it not being what she wants to give then I will tell her I am completely out of ideas in that case and she will just have to get whatever she thinks best.

Thanks for all the suggestions of ways to tell her no, I WILL use them if she rejects this idea again!

Either: ignore MIl and the birthday completely ("but I thought you didn't care about birthdays" if questioned.)

Or.

Ignore MIL completely. Give him one pair of socks. ("but I thought you didn't care about birthdays" if questioned.)

If MIL questions your lack of reply: no time. He's your son, you do it

My MIL does this every time for the kids' birthday and Christmas presents.

"Send me a list... "

and then

"Which one should I pick off the list... "

and then

"Would it be easier if you ordered it... "

and then

"Would you mind just wrapping it... "

Sometimes doesn't even get round to giving us the money.

I was going to say, ‘no, stop suggesting things!’ but I agree with this, you might as well get something you enjoy out of it!

Good luck

Matching someone's energy over things that cause you resentment isn't about point scoring, it's protective. Protecting the rest of your marriage so that the hurt and resentment don't mess that up. (And in some cases it's about listening to what they want - some people who don't give gifts really don't want them either).

But a gift you will enjoy too isn't a bad way to meet those goals too, quite a clever one, really - providing you won't be resentful when he doesn't do anything when you would expect to have doen something for him.

What has he said on your birthday when he’s for you nothing? What sort of things do you normally get him and does he appear embarrassed?

😂😂😂😂

I think given your update something you’d both enjoy even if you end up paying a bit but also say then it’s from you as well.

but also say to MIL ‘I’ll do this for you because presents are important to me. My birthday is xxxxxx please put it in your diary and help your son get me something equally nice for my birthday. If not I won’t help you again’. And stick to it. If she brought her son up to be a crap present government she needs to deal with the consequences jow

Well, if she doesn't like you, you've nothing to lose, have you? Just tell her straight, "No, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I just dont have the time for this as I'm extremely busy with work right now. He likes x, y and z, and I'm sure whatever you choose, he'll appreciate, especially as you've taken the time to choose something personally". If she tries to bat it back again next day by asking if you've done it yet, simply send the exact same message. Again, and again, and again, until she takes note.

I think it’s ok to be really honest with mil here. She’s his mum, you’re not slagging him off, and what you feel is really reasonable.

Id probably go for something like “Sorry mil, I’m not really keen to spend any more time on this than I already have so you’ll need to do the planning and organising if you want to get him something. DH didn’t buy me anything for my 50th (or for my 40th for that matter) so whilst I’ll get him a small token from me, I’m not going to be making a lot of effort this year.”

My late DM had form for this, one Christmas she handed me a M&S jumper and wrapping paper with instructions to wrap it but don’t look at it. It was for me.

Tell her to go online and buy a red letter day or Virgin experience voucher and then post it to him

This. You have too much on.

This is so funny. I kind of love your mum.