AIBU to expect MIL to arrange DH’s 50th birthday gift herself?

[WithTwoGiantBoys]

It's a MIL one.

DH turns 50 next week, MIL has messaged me to ask me to choose, schedule, book and pay for an experience gift for him, she doesn't mind what it is up to a certain budget. I'm working full time and work is absolutely manic, I haven't even sorted out what I am getting him (for complicated reasons I am conflicted about getting him anything at all), so aibu for thinking that as she has been retired for 20 years she has time to sort this out herself?

I didn’t rtft but you’re missing a trick…
DH would adore a couples holiday weekend with a spa, full dinner, breakfast, gorgeous view… of course it’s all his idea…

The chronically retired are usually very keen to explain how busy they are, so how DARE you assume she has time to do this, she probably absolutely stacked up and would have to squeeze it in somehow between the chiropodist, and waiting in for the gas meter reader. That's my understanding of retirement anyway 😱😁🤯

’I haven’t got time to sort this, Mavis. If you don’t either just give him the cash’.

Surely you could book something in the time it would take you to post on here, read the comments and respond to your MIL telling her to do it herself.

You should book something you would enjoy too though.

If she doesn’t like you already does it matter if you offend her at this point? Just tell her you don’t have time to sort it. Recommend cash or a voucher so he can choose

Yanbu but I think the best solution is to politely let mil know that this task is going to be passed on to DH rather than foisted upon you, unless she feels she wants to do it herself.

"That's a wonderful idea Mavis, Gavin will be thrilled to have an experience like that but I'm afraid I don't have the time to do the research so the best thing is to let him know and let him choose. Do you want to tell him on his birthday or do you want to tell him beforehand so that it's all arranged by the time the big day arrives?"

I too have experienced the frustration of having to do all the emotional and practical labour for someone else's "apparent" birthday gift. It seems to me that if we accept the premise that when a gift is relatively inexpensive or inappropriate we nevertheless receive it with gratitude because of the importance of "it's the thought that counts" then the other side of this coin is that if someone wants to put no thought or effort into a gift but make someone else put in that thought and effort, then that is no real gift at all - the "thought" that "counts" amounting to precisely zero. It is a kind and reasonable thing to make a gift of cash so that the receiver can choose what to spend it on, that's the gift of guilt-free spending freedom, but giving the cash to someone else to do the thinking and choosing negates 100% of that.

Absolutely not unreasonable.

“Sorry MIL I’m just so busy at the moment that I’m not going to have time to arrange this for you. I’m sure you’ll come up with something!”

What are the complicated reasons?

What did you say to “bat it back”? You obviously weren’t firm enough.

Send a text if it’s easier - “No I haven’t sorted anything because as I was trying to say before, I’m going to have to leave this to you to sort out Brenda as I am so short on time, especially at the moment. I’m sure you understand”.

So what the problem then, this won’t win her round. Say no, I don’t have the capacity I’m working full time. You will need to organise this yourself.

Because if it's that he didn't get you anything, I'd tell MIL you'll not get him 2 when he got you 0.

Just reply saying, 'sorry not got a clue but whatever you decide to get, I'm sure x will love it'

Yeah, he didn't bother getting me anything for mine, I was so hurt (he also didn't get anything for my 40th, I told him then that I was upset) that part of me wants to not get him anything in revenge but that just feels horrible and wrong and not the kind of person I am or want to be so it's all a mess in my head.

Not really, it's a nightmare scheduling anything for him, especially "as a surprise".

And researching and booking an experience for someone who doesn't really want anything takes a lot of thought, while commenting here really doesn't (although maybe it should!).

Just tell MIL she needs to sort it with him, he’s her son.

A card and a pair of socks. It makes the point, but you’ve marked it, which is more than he has done for you.

And if your MiL doesn’t like you anyway, then why on earth do you give a shit whether she gets pissed off with you? If she messages you again, just tell her that no, it’s not sorted because you simply don’t have capacity to take on the mental load for anyone else, so she’ll have to do it herself or put some money in a card for him.

'Sorry MIL, I haven't booked a thing myself yet.let alone thinking of second gifts... But Bradley likes penguins, Mille Bobby Brown and vodka if that helps?

Absolutely reasonable excuse not to get him anything. Alternatively, like someone previously suggested, you give him something that benefits you, such as a weekend break away at a lovely hotel of your choice with the types of facilities you enjoy.

It’s not wrong or horrible.

Why do women do this to themselves.

Just match his energy.

Go out that day and get him nothing.

Tell MIL you don’t have tome to sort this for her.

Oops, sorry about the multiple posts

I forward the responsibility to your dh.

"Your Mum wants to get you something. I want to get you something. You can choose it and organise it xx"

Then reply to MIL "dh is going to choose and organise something himself. He'll let you know what it is and how much."

What a weird relationship
he gets you nothing for your birthdays and you're stress about what you're buying for him and potentially also buying his mother's present for him too
maybe skip buying presents and use the money for some self help books

What did you say to ‘bat it back’
to her that made her reply asking if you’d done it yet?

I’d reply being really clear you won’t be helping. Don’t suggest anything either. I’d be tempted to say that he doesn’t really do birthdays anyway!

If he didn’t get you anything for your 50th or 40th, I wouldn’t get him a bean-how mean :(

Nah, fuck him. He didn’t bother for your 40th or 50th. Get him a card and that’s it. If he comments, just laugh.

as for MIL. Just tell you don’t have time to do all the planning and booking for her. She’ll have to do it herself.
if she doesn’t like you, doing all the work won’t magically change that anyway.

I think the suggested message here is perfect! Clear and polite.