To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

That might be true if you have any musical experience. It is certainly not true for people who don’t.

It’s not that complicated. At a job interview you are competing against all other candidates to get the role. If it’s a corporate or public-facing job, self-presentation may be more important than other jobs. A funeral is an ordinary community event that involves people taking time out of their day to gather to mark the end of a life, share memories and support the bereaved. It’s a completely different situation to a job interview.

And still…. There is a societal expectation that you dress appropriately for both! Not turn up in bloody joggers, flip flops or trainers looking like an absolute slob! Your point has no relevance sorry

My musical experience is having sung hymns before. I don't know if it's different if someone hasn't sung a single hymn before or how someone in the Uk would be in that situation, but I think hymns are composed to be predictable for everyone.

No - they are showing respect for the occasion, and for the grieving family, by dressing neatly and suitably, @CitronellaCandles.

Funerals are difficult and distressing for the bereaved family, so the other people attending should be looking to make sure they don’t add to add to that distress and, in my opinion, turning up in dirty, unsuitable clothing has the potential to distress the bereaved family. Why wouldn’t you want to make the day as easy as is possible in the circumstances, for the people who have lost someone very dear to them? Why would you deliberately do something that could cause them more distress?

Think it’s rude not to make an effort to look smart at a funeral OP. Two people did this at my FIL funeral and I did judge them as being there for the free food and booze tbh

do you not have family and friends?

None whose survivors will need me to attend a funeral.

But. In my opinion, people should have some knowledge of hymns. They should be able to be able to get through singing a hymn.
You don't need musical experience to be able to sing a hymn.

Most funerals have something predictable, such as the lord's my shepherd. The words are usually provided.

I think not singing hymns is right up there with not knowing what is acceptable clothing. I suppose it shows how culturally impoverished some people are.

I disagree. I attend a lot of funerals - unfortunately. I dress appropriately in dark clothes, I pay my respects to the family, I take a condolence card.

I am not religious- I don’t sing and I simply bow my head in respect during prayers. I don’t participate in any of the religious ceremonies.

It’s okay not to sign - it’s not okay to
rock up in flip flops and a Hawaiian t-shirt (unless the bereaved family has requested this)

You do realise that not all funerals are religious/have religious music?

My husband had faith, so we had a C of E priest officiate. We had no hymns, because he did not like hymns. We had music that was meaningful to him and to the family instead.

Hymns are optional these days.

I could not tell you what a single person at my mother’s funeral besides myself was wearing. I was grieving and in shock, and although I remember most of the people who kindly showed up, I’ve no recollection of what they said and could not have, and still don’t give a fried damn on toast, what they were wearing.

So @maxslice thats how you felt. Can you not imagine that someone else might feel differently? If the op is upset, she’s upset, as is her right to feel just how she feels? Just like you did. Personally I can remember quite a lot about the details of my father’s funeral, even several decades later. It’s not a grief competition.

If you can remember the grief and shock, why not show a bit of compassion to someone else rather than tell them how you felt so that’s how they should feel. Jeez this thread is unbelievable!

She is understandably upset. What I was trying to say was that she might be causing herself unnecessary anguish by taking offense when none was intended. But naturally, it’s her decision.

So what you’re saying is that some people took it upon themselves to dress like utter trash to the point it was disrespectful. Op is upset and now you’re blaming the op for being upset about it. A bit like victim blaming really isn’t it! Disgraceful on your part!

That's not at all what I was saying, You're deliberately missing the point so you can work yourself into a snit a snit and feel righteous. I refuse to believe that any of the attendees went out of their way to be malicious and disturb the OP. They may have been inadvertantly rude, or thoughtless, but it's not like they're rubbing their hands in glee and saying, "I guess we showed her!" She is unhappy, but she's not a victim. There are no villains here. Except, possibly you.

It’s exactly what you were saying. Op hasn’t upset herself. Those disrespectful people upset her. Don’t blame the op for being upset.

I’m done with you. Go get material for drama that doesn’t actually concern you from some other source. Plenty of other reasonable people on Mumsnet that you can use to fabricate outrage.

Oh good! At least I don’t have to listen to you bleating on about blaming the op for her own upset! Bye 👋

As usual, mumsnet descends into personal insults and madness

You didn’t even mention the op in your list to that’s not what you said at all. You implied you were too upset to notice, why wasn’t she? Thats what you said and that was unkind.

That will be because none of the people at your mum's funeral turned up looking like a young offender, and not because you were grieving more deeply than op was.

Tell me you are not irish without telling me you are not irish😂

Funeral going is a national pastime.

Check out RIP.ie

This.

😅 so true

but they’re also a massive party. Nobody in my family would care what you wore. They’re more bothered about who is coming up next on the karaoke.