Old lady keeps approaching my toddler, making me feel uncomfortable

[housinghun]

I have a 2 year old and and when we go out sometimes we will see an older lady (about 60s early 70s) and she will always approach my son.

It started off as "Can I say hello?".
I agreed.

Next time she attempted to remove his cap "to see his face".
This made me feel extremely uncomfortable, touching my son.

OH took our son out last week and he told me that an old lady had smiled through the window at them as they walked past.
She had come running out the house and shouted "hello" but by that time they were gone down the road.
It was her.
I had never really mentioned this to him and this was the first time he has seen her.

I know it's innocent but it makes me feel really uncomfortable now going past as I don't want a stranger touching my son.

I did tell her "please don't touch him" as I don't want him getting used to strangers touching him.

I am over protective of my son but just wanted others views.
AIBU to feel this way?

AIBU

She sounds like she means well but no I wouldn’t like it
I teach my children to be wary of strangers and this would go against that by allowing a stranger to hug them.
I think a nice hello and then off we go, no hugs today as we don’t hug people outside the family. End of. Be polite and kind but move off to avoid an issue

but she did ask in the first instance

Err.. this woman is giving OP the creeps for good reason. Just because someone is female and over 60 doesn't mean they are harmless.

Thought it was just me.

I’m not sure taking a hat off counts as assault

And me! I'm 63.

I might have drawn the line at that 🤣.

We really have lost any shred of community we may have had left haven't we 🙁

Actually you do owe people politeness. That is how society works. It was some older woman chatting to a toddler. Not a gun-toting maniac where you possible can hold off on the politeness.

Nobody I know, thinks like this.

WTF? How did you react to that?

What a lonely world we now live in, so sad.

WTF does this have to do with Ann Widdecome!? Good lord. Also, people on this thread can't have it both ways. The ones moaning that 60s isn't old don't square with the ones saying she is a lonely old soul with dementia.

My point is that posters are quick to diagnose dementia in anyone over the age of about 50, whether they are acting oddly or not.

It's boring and lazy.

Indeed. We're clearly in a minority though.

Nonsense. When my son was little I took him on the bus regularly. There was often an old man on the same bus who would sit and chat to him and occasionally gave him a piece of fruit from his shopping bag. My son loved this interaction and it was good for him.
Children need to be socialised which is your job OP, as much as it is your job to keep him safe from people who may want to harm him. He is not in any danger when he's with you.

Well of course there would, for obvious reasons.

OP, just tell her that he doesn't like being touched, as someone else suggested.

Wow. You’re a bundle of joy. Hopefully you’re in need of serious help one day and people walk past you because they don’t owe you anything :)

Many, many years ago, before tea bags were available, packets of tea used to contain a collectors card which children could put in a special album. These were much prized and there was a lot of swapping cards to try and get a complete set before the tea company changed to a new set of cards with a different them

Whenever my DGM opened a new packet of tea, my DGF would take the card and stand in the forecourt until a child passed by and he would offer them the card.

All very innocent then but I dread to think what people would make of that now . . .

I wonder how many of the comments saying don’t allow this have also brought new partners to meet their child, significantly higher risk than someone interacting with the child while the mum is right there

I feel sorry for her; she is probably lonely. Lots of old people love babies and toddlers. I roll my eyes a bit at the ‘no touching’ thing but that seems to be the modern way. Is it worry about germs or something? If so, it seems a bit silly as there are so many millions of germs everywhere and babies need exposure to them. (I know there is real reason to be very cautious about cold sores, and of course I also wouldn’t expert a person with any other type of virus to touch babies and toddlers) but in general, it seems a very clenched way of going about one’s day. An older lady with dementia who lived near me when my children were little always loved to see them. She once picked baby DS up and sat him on her lap on the bus where she jostled him and sang to him. He loved it and so did she. Community links are very important for everyone’s mental health.

I would keep up with the smiling and a bit of small talk. Reiterate your no touching rule and just keep the conversations short. But worth remembering that all older people were once super precious and special little babies, just like yours.

Totally agreed - OP get a grip. This isn't assault and you thinking that says more about you than this lady who may just be a bit lonely and thinks your son is cute. Get over yourself.

Well I'm an older person myself - much older than 50. I don't go around diagnosing people in general, and definitely not with dementia in particular.

I tried to present an alternative possibility to the unsympathetic one being presented on here by some, based on my own experience of an older lady's behaviour who developed dementia due to social isolation.

Well she lives nearby (in the neighbourhood) not that it matters, if you see her regularly and she thinks your little son is lovely what's not to like. By all means tell her she mustn't hug him, keep between them to ensure that. She must be pretty spritely if she can bend down and try to hug him before you can intervene. I don't think she seems dangerous, just an old lady that likes children, if you are in a hurry just say you can't stop today.

YANBU. I 100% agree that it's not ok to touch people without their consent, even moreso when they're strangers and to the max when the person being touched is a child.

You set a boundary. She ignored it. When someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, it becomes a safety or respect issue rather than a communication problem.

The next step is to invoke the consequences (without which there is actually no boundary) which involves either reducing contact, or stepping back from the relationship entirely.

Given this is some random woman you don't actually know, not 'a relationship' per se, and she has consistently ignored the boundary you set and continued to make you and your son uncomfortable, I'd have zero hesitation in avoiding any further interaction with her whatsoever.

If you must pass her house on your way in and out, maybe do so on the opposite side of the road even if it's a little inconvenient - but don't do it if it's unsafe to cross. If she rushes out again the further distance is good. And if she does, I'd keep walking, glance at her with a stoney expression, then ignore her. Don't get drawn into justifying anything. You don't know her, you owe her nothing and contrary to some responses, it's not mean spirited, just necessary. People don't suddenly become sweet just because they got old, though it's a popular misconception.

The Mumsnet guide on how to further isolate and stigmatise a harmless, old woman. Just see this thread for details.