Old lady keeps approaching my toddler, making me feel uncomfortable

[housinghun]

I have a 2 year old and and when we go out sometimes we will see an older lady (about 60s early 70s) and she will always approach my son.

It started off as "Can I say hello?".
I agreed.

Next time she attempted to remove his cap "to see his face".
This made me feel extremely uncomfortable, touching my son.

OH took our son out last week and he told me that an old lady had smiled through the window at them as they walked past.
She had come running out the house and shouted "hello" but by that time they were gone down the road.
It was her.
I had never really mentioned this to him and this was the first time he has seen her.

I know it's innocent but it makes me feel really uncomfortable now going past as I don't want a stranger touching my son.

I did tell her "please don't touch him" as I don't want him getting used to strangers touching him.

I am over protective of my son but just wanted others views.
AIBU to feel this way?

AIBU

For what it's worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. You've asked her not to do it again and she's persisted. Your toddler's job isn't to entertain strangers or submit to being touched if he doesn't want to. Obviously try to be polite and kind with her, but firm.

I can totally understand not wanting someone touching your child, I 100% respect that I wouldn’t like it either. But I would remember she grew up in a world where people left the baby’s outside in prams, everybody helped everyone. And saying hello, holding a strangers baby was just the done thing in those days. So try and see it from that angle and she might be lonely, which adds a different perspective, but is she really doing any harm ?
It might make her day saying hello to your little one.
But also equally if you really don’t want to speak to her, go in another direction.

That's lovely. It seems she helps a lot of her neighbours feel connected.

Ooh yes, an woman on my road did that here too when I had my dd. It's supposed to bring good luck, health and prosperity to the new baby. Thought it was very sweet. My dd got load of attention when she was a newborn as I walked a lot trying her get her sleep. You'd get familar with the same faces, particularly in the older community who lived on my route. I enjoyed the little chats as maternity leave can be lonely. Without going into detail I had every reason to have severe health anxiety due to a tragic experience in my previous pregnancy but strangely it gave me perspective too about whats ott and not.

Haha my elderly family did this with my babies. It was actually with a coin and notes though ( inflation you know 🤣) . Miss them all x

Approximately only 1.4 per cent of people in the UK have dementia, yet it's automatically the go-to explanation on MN for anyone over 60 apparently transgressing for any reason the OP doesn't like

Some of my favorite memories of baby/toddler years was the interactions with strangers and how their eyes light up seeing a baby.

One time I was waiting for a hospital appointment with my DS who was about one ish. I had him in my lap and was trying to feed him some baby food. An older lady was smiling at him and noticed I was struggling a bit. She took my DS in her lap while I fed him his baby food. It was beautiful and I was so grateful for the help.

The hat removal was a bit much and an invasion of personal space but I'd guess she's just from a different generation and thinks your child looks adorable and has different social norms.

It's OK for you to say please don't touch him but I don't think you need to be concerned about anything. What are you concerned about?

It is absolutely your preogative to feel this way. You can set the boundaries for you child and who interacts and touches them.

However you asked this question in AIBU - you are told that you are being unreasonable. This is something you don't want to hear this or entertain.

Sometimes I actually don't know why ppl use AIBU, as most of the time they just use it to justify their actions and when there feelings actions are not validated by others they throw the toys out of the pram. If I was sure I was right I would have courage in my convictions and would not need the internet to validate me.

Dementia and/or social isolation. FFS.

OP, it doesn't matter what other people think on here. YOU are uncomfortable with it and don't want people touching your child, innocently or not. If it was an elderly man would people feel the same? I'm sure it is very innocent but that isn't the point.

We musn't let other people cross a boundary with us and our children for the sake of social politeness. It isn't your job to manage her feelings.

Nothing wrong with her saying hello but there is no need to touch.

It’s clearly making you uncomfortable so walk a different way and avoid her? Hopefully if the lady is lonely there will be other people she can talk to. It doesn’t have to be you if it’s making you anxious

Absolutely. This is what living in society should be.

OP, why don't you try chatting to this woman and get to know her a bit? She's probably completely harmless. When I was a toddler we lived next door to an old widowed lady who would chat to me and give me sweeties over the fence (I have no memory of this, but it's what my parents have told me). I came to no harm and my parents didn't mind at all. Granted, this was the late 80s so probably different attitudes, but really, where is the harm in a woman you see every so often saying hello to your son and holding his hand?

I think you have mis read my post. I haven't said anything about anyone man or woman being a paedophile! I stated that the responses, quite rightly, would be different had it been a man instead of a woman 'touching' the OPs child. Women are less likely to be suspected of being a pedophile for obvious reasons backed up by statistics.

Dementia caused by social isolation????

Yes it is very much a thing.

Some years ago an in-law of a family member developed dementia. She lead an extremely isolated life. She started wandering the streets just to be amongst people. She was placed in a care home because the isolation was diagnosed as the root cause of her mental decline. In the home her mental decline was reversed to a small extent because of the socialisation she experienced there.

Yeah 60 isn’t usually old 😀 it depends on the person though ,some people are old at 30 😅

I would find this really creepy too. You're not BU. You have to walk the gauntlet every time you go out. It would make me very on edge. She needs to back off.
Saying hello and chit chat, isn't he cute etc is fine. Touching is not ok at all. 60s is not really old either these days.
I would be worried she'll try and lure him away, even though that probably is very unreasonable. If she is unwell she could think he's her child or something? If you're on edge, trust yourself.

And your point is?.
Or are you just mocking for the sake of it?

You know that ‘village’ it takes to raise a child…… this lady is part of that village as is everyone who interacts regularly with your child. For the pp who thinks this lady probably has dementia…. Get a fucking grip.

That’s the definition of a neighbour, someone who lives next or near to you 🙄

I agree. I don't doubt that she's quite harmless but children, just like adults, are entitled to have boundaries.

My autisic son couldn't tolerate this for a minute. He would possibly forcibly tell her to stop. And given I've always taught him he's entitled to bodily autonomy, telling him off for rudeness would be incongruous with that.

I'd probably kindly tell her DC doesn't like it but would happily engage her in a chat and treat her with politeness.

She sounds utterly harmless and just wants to interact with you and your child. If you can’t be arsed, that’s fair enough. Nobody can make you. But I do remember we had a few very friendly older ladies in our area who loved chatting to us kids (this was in the seventies.) I have never liked being touched or hugged, but I just stepped back a bit and they totally understood. And thankfully my mum was fully supportive of my bodily autonomy and didn’t force me to hug anyone. But I grew up into a teenager who still loved to chat to these women when I was out and about. I got along better with some of them than I did with my peers. My eldest son is similar to me. He is autistic and dislikes unsolicited touching and hugging, but he would have chatted all day to older people when he was small. God help them when he started on the Minecraft monologue🤣 Most were very indulgent though! But I don’t think that treating harmless women like some sort of social nuisance is a very healthy type of behaviour to display to your child. By all means you can deflect any touching, but there’s a lot to be gained by allowing your child to interact with other people, particularly when you’re there to supervise.

Just because someone is elderly or female (if it was a male the response would be wholly different) means they can touch others or others children without consent.

I don’t care if it’s seen as nice by some, you ask first and if a Mother is uncomfortable then that Mother is well within her right to say no irrespective of if people think she’s over bearing. Not your kid.

I used to get really annoyed at elderly people sticking their head in my pram with my newborn or touching my bump without asking when I was pregnant. I found it intrusive and I don’t care if that’s ‘mean’. If that elderly person was a 20 year old stranger it’d be weird, just because you’ve aged doesn’t make it any less weird.

Especially MNers of the hygiene-freak variety.