Old lady keeps approaching my toddler, making me feel uncomfortable

[housinghun]

I have a 2 year old and and when we go out sometimes we will see an older lady (about 60s early 70s) and she will always approach my son.

It started off as "Can I say hello?".
I agreed.

Next time she attempted to remove his cap "to see his face".
This made me feel extremely uncomfortable, touching my son.

OH took our son out last week and he told me that an old lady had smiled through the window at them as they walked past.
She had come running out the house and shouted "hello" but by that time they were gone down the road.
It was her.
I had never really mentioned this to him and this was the first time he has seen her.

I know it's innocent but it makes me feel really uncomfortable now going past as I don't want a stranger touching my son.

I did tell her "please don't touch him" as I don't want him getting used to strangers touching him.

I am over protective of my son but just wanted others views.
AIBU to feel this way?

AIBU

You know what I mean.

You clearly don’t agree that you’re being UR so like many others - WHY ASK?? Just carry on acting like a weirdo nobody really cares apart from you.

Totally agree! Some posters on here would be absolutely horrified to hear that my daughter and I were in London with her 4 month old a few years ago just before COVID and we were in an Italian cafe by Covent Garden . The waiter was absolutely beyond excited when my daughter accepted the offer for his elderly Mother to cuddle my grandchild so we could both eat with both hands ….how shocking is that !!
Everyone happy inc baby .

Yep totally agree 👍

Or if OP is uncomfortable. A toddler doesnt always know.

Don't go to Italy, OP. The (friendly and appropriate) tactile interactions with children will tip you over the edge.

Waiters tying napkins around kids' necks than ruffling their hair, friendly parents on the beach helping all the kids in the line for the tap wash sand off their feet etc etc

They might as well have dementia, mind.

Years ago it was quite normal my mum would think nothing of going up to someone with a baby and touching the baby even giving the baby a kiss.

I have a 14 month old and this would not bother me in the slightest. I think it's lovely when older people smile and interact with him, stroke his cheek, you can see how much joy it brings them.

I'd question why it makes you anxious OH - what exactly are you concerned about?

I think it depends to be honest. We had a very odd old lady make be-lines for us when my son was young and my gut instinct made me want her to go away. She was an odd ball though and laughed at my son being scared of her dog one time. I think it was her personality and a control thing, or maybe dementia.

But OP asked the lady not to. If OP doesnt feel comfortable, surely that's her right. Would you let ANY stranger touch your child? Presumably you might draw the line at some strangers and if you asked them not to, wouldn't you hope they respect that? OP might draw the line before you do but i think her request should be accepted.

It's not shocking at all. They asked and you gave permission. The baby was happy to be held. This is absolutely fine.

Shocking would have been picking up the baby without asking, feeding it, taking it out of your sight or not handing it back if upset.

OP asked the lady not to touch her son but she did anyway. It's ok to (politely) say no if someone is making you uncomfortable.

A toddler would know, far better than an adult, because their body would tell them and their brain wouldn't be developed enough to argue them out of it.

My neighbour sent her child over to give me a cuddle after my dog died and she’d seen me teary.

He told me he does best cuddles. All I know is that I needed a wee cuddle that day and it felt like a best cuddle to me.

I consider myself fortunate to have a great neighbour who doesn’t think I’m an old lady, must have dementia and am ready to cover him in germs.

I’m also lucky that she doesn’t think me giving him a wee high five is similar to assault.

Old lady? In her 60's? Has she got a stick and little round glasses?

Jesus.

That's a cultural difference. I am tired of people on this thread bringing in examples from a different era or a different culture and comparing like for like. It is highly disingenuous.

I wouldn't like it at all.

I wonder if it reminds older people of when their children were younger perhaps, maybe a little nostalgia. I remember a little old lady talking away to my dc, and I about how she used to be a dancer when she was younger; it was lovely. She shook my son's hand at the end, and said it was nice to have met him. We may have been the only people she saw all day.

You might yearn to touch a small child’s arm when you are 60/70 years old. You don’t know what it is like to be old and lonely yet.

But I agree, your child, your rules. And it is not your child’s responsibility to make that lady feel better.

But there is touching they need to know is wrong. And there is a benign touching, like a hug, a pat on the shoulder. An unknown Spanish man squeezed mine and my husbands shoulders earlier today due to a funny incident at a tram stop. Both of us found it amusing and laughed with the man.

However I also know for some people with trauma, this second type does not exist. It breaks my heart for you all.

I know women in their seventies still working, looking after Grandchildren in their spare time, going to the gym and Pilates, bouncing around being busy.

It's also a very small window when other adults see your darling offspring as adorable and cute. Once they become snotty six year olds it all ends.

Maybe she's an eccentric millionaire looking for an heir?

Seriously, I wouldn't be a fan if she was being too handsy, but if she's mainly touching his hand when she sees him, she sounds pretty harmless and it is probably a big thing for her.

If being kind and polite is insane then give me that any day over the rude and uncaring behaviour you are advocating.

I agree with your second paragraph, it’s worrying. Although, I don’t think it’s helpful that any ‘older’ person who may display different social norms is assumed to have dementia.

My wording was off.
60 and 70s isn't really old in this day and age as PP have pointed out.

She maybe a harmless lady but that dosent give her the right to touch my child.
She literally took his sun hat off and said "I can't see your face" and he didn't like it.

To him she is just a random woman.

I asked her politely not to touch him and she did it again trying to hug him and touch his hand.
That's not acceptable.

Stanger danger springs to mind.

In future I will just say hello and keep it moving.

Other neighbours with kids here find her quite scary and some have been quite forceful with her, at least I have been polite and not rude to her.

But that isn't a genuine comparison.

In your scenario, your neighbour is presumably someone you know and have interacted with before, so he can therefore make a judgment call based on his knowledge of you/his child. Also, you were offered the hug, you didn't ask for it. I agree, this is really rather sweet.

In OP's scenario, a woman she considers a stranger is continually approaching her son and has also asked if she can touch/hug him. I personally find that quite strange.