Old lady keeps approaching my toddler, making me feel uncomfortable

[housinghun]

I have a 2 year old and and when we go out sometimes we will see an older lady (about 60s early 70s) and she will always approach my son.

It started off as "Can I say hello?".
I agreed.

Next time she attempted to remove his cap "to see his face".
This made me feel extremely uncomfortable, touching my son.

OH took our son out last week and he told me that an old lady had smiled through the window at them as they walked past.
She had come running out the house and shouted "hello" but by that time they were gone down the road.
It was her.
I had never really mentioned this to him and this was the first time he has seen her.

I know it's innocent but it makes me feel really uncomfortable now going past as I don't want a stranger touching my son.

I did tell her "please don't touch him" as I don't want him getting used to strangers touching him.

I am over protective of my son but just wanted others views.
AIBU to feel this way?

AIBU

I'm not exhausted in the least, why would I be? I just don't think the OP is BU, you do, that's fine.

Don't you honestly see the difference in your situation and the OP!?

Ah, ageism.

Watch out op, being older than most people on the road, it'll come to you too.

You can get a sense of whether people are a danger. If this is just a little old lady who enjoys seeing your child, and probably others too then that hardly makes her a danger and your reaction is therefore OTT.
I'm all for teaching our kids about stranger danger but imagine a world where we don't ever speak or interact with anyone outside our circle of family and friends.

When DGS was a newborn an older lady approached DDIL in the supermarket saying “did I just see you with a baby?” DDIL said she had and asked if she’d like to meet him (DS2 had taken him to another aisle to get something) so she phoned DS2 and told him to come back. The lady was absolutely thrilled, they had a chat then parted ways.

2 and a half years on they bump into each other on occasion and the lady always comments on how DGS has grown etc. DGS can talk really well so he will tell her what he’s buying or where he’s been.

Both DDIL and DS2 are nurses so are acutely aware of social isolation and its effects, especially in the elderly. They don’t think this woman is going to run off with DGS, it’s just a friendly chat with someone else who lives in the same village, that’s all.

Exactly. And we don't touch strangers and remove their hats. Thats not an appropriate way of making friends.

It’s generational. Even 30 years ago in london I couldn’t take my babies out without attention, including silver. I can’t remember whether they were touched because I’m not particularly physically aware.
I understand why you’re weirded out op but I think it’s really sad.

Asking for your baby not to be touched by a stranger means you're a murderer? Are you ok?

Yeah, you can laugh all you want but if someone says "please dont touch my child", it wouldn't enter my head to override that and touch them anyway. Clearly you would touch the child reagrdless, and so we just have to agree to disagree.

So much for 'it takes a village'. I find it quite sad that you lack the humanity to take pleasure in the fact that a stranger, in a public place, is cheered up by seeing your child. It's such a simple, human experience. But it makes you uncomfortable. The problem is you, I think, not the slightly eccentric older woman. As for touching in this context, a child isn't his or her parents' personal property. Does your toddler look uncomfortable? If they do, that changes things and I would gently move him away.

Do you really want to raise a child who feels revolted by the touch of others? Why do you feel uncomfortable? Transfer of germs or disease? Possessiveness over your toddler? Fear of violence?

What happens when you child goes to nursery or school and a teacher touches them? What happens when your child is asked to hold the hand of another child to stand in line at school? At a health appointment? If they learn a musical instrument? If they want to play rugby or learn to box? You are at risk of teaching your child that touch by another adult is something negative. Often, it's a necessary part of normal everyday interactions. (I'm not going to venture into the abnormal.)

And related to this, children are not learning how to assess. A healthy way of interacting would be notice that mum is friendly and very brisk with one person, warm and lets another hold hands and crosses the road to avoid some people. Stranger danger is problematic.

Touching, no not alright but absolutely fine to chat to children, it makes them far more grounded individuals if they are used to a wide range of people in their community. I talk to local children, but do not touch

Do you want a toddler you don't know coming up to you, touching and removing your hat without even asking? If not then maybe we shouldn't be doing this to them.

I would be absolutely fine with this. Toddlers like to explore. They are discovering the world.
Of course they go up to people and touch.

Agreed. 👍

This thread is nuts
..

A little old lady said hello, smiled and lifted your 2 year olds hat up a bit to see his face and you want to burn her at the stake. World’s gone bloody mental.

I would have no problem with a toddler touching me.

A lot of people with dementia become obsessed with babies and children. It sounds like she’s lonely. Your overreacting.

Have you met many toddlers? They’d have no problem removing a hat and having a good old look at your face then probably, very loudly, point out all your flaws. Most people would find it funny not have a fit of the vapours.

@housinghun - you are absolutely right to enforce boundaries such as asking people not to touch your child - no-one should touch a child they don’t know (except in an emergency, obviously).

It is up to you whether you carry on letting this lady chat to your child - it would be nice for her if you did - and might become something nice for your child too, and even for you, if you make a new friend - but there is no obligation for you to do so.

I wouldn't like that at all. I don't like being touched. I obviously would make allowances for a small child, but I would expect their parent to do something about it.

I have a toddler and no way would I let him behave in this way. None of my friends toddlers are allowed to behave like this either.

We don't want our little ones becoming so obliging to strangers that they are at risk of sexual assault, but there is another extreme too, and that's that they become so resistant to ordinary physical touch that they struggle to form healthy close relationships.

We also need to remember that children are not adults and different norms of physical contact apply. Small children will proactively engage in forms of physical contact - snuggling, hand-holding - that would not be appropriate between most adults. This is not a problem: in normal development they all learn that they need to dial down the physicality during later childhood and early adolescence. Discouraging touch too young risks disrupting the healthy development.

Thank you! I imagine if I started a thread saying I let my toddler touch strangers and remove their hats, is this okay behaviour most posters would agree I should step in.