Old lady keeps approaching my toddler, making me feel uncomfortable

[housinghun]

I have a 2 year old and and when we go out sometimes we will see an older lady (about 60s early 70s) and she will always approach my son.

It started off as "Can I say hello?".
I agreed.

Next time she attempted to remove his cap "to see his face".
This made me feel extremely uncomfortable, touching my son.

OH took our son out last week and he told me that an old lady had smiled through the window at them as they walked past.
She had come running out the house and shouted "hello" but by that time they were gone down the road.
It was her.
I had never really mentioned this to him and this was the first time he has seen her.

I know it's innocent but it makes me feel really uncomfortable now going past as I don't want a stranger touching my son.

I did tell her "please don't touch him" as I don't want him getting used to strangers touching him.

I am over protective of my son but just wanted others views.
AIBU to feel this way?

AIBU

People are crazy. She’s not an old lady she’s younger than my mum!
Of course strangers don’t get to touch yoir child, especially without asking. We are trying to teach our children body safety.
You don’t owe anyone anything!

For me when they become frail or too dependent on other people doing simple tasks for them (not counting dementia) or look obviously 80. If an adult referred to me as ‘that old lady’ I’d think they were barmy. Obviously I’m not 25 but being older is not the same as being an ‘old lady’.

This. I always put everything through a “would you allow this at work”. So would an unknown colleague be allowed to come up to you or shout at you etc

It’s your call absolutely.

However, we have older women (few older men) all the time talking to our kids, smiling at them, asking them questions, touching them a little bit etc. For us, it’s lovely to see older people taking an interest in kids.

And our kids talk about some of these random exchanges and laugh. It’s so innocent.

But we know where the line is.

Me too Im 71 and so the same but I wouldnt touch a child unless they run off walking into a road or lost or in any sort of danger.

Same, my daughter is just growing out of the age where she is doted upon by old ladies (she looks, I have been told, like the "Pears soap girl" which gets her a lot of attention) and she is still making the absolute most of it. We have a car but she will often ask to go on the bus just because she knows it will be full of people happy to talk to her and tell her how pretty her blonde curls are. What a shame that elderly (and not so elderly) people are now being told that showing interest and affection in young children is inappropriate.

I am retired and volunteer in a charity shop. I love chatting to customers of whatever age. I always have in the back of my mind that I might be the only person a customer has a conversation with that day. You would be astonished how much some people share in a brief interaction, and I now have regulars who pop in just to browse and chat. By all means have reasonable boundaries, but a little bit of empathy goes a long way.

Ah, the kindness of strangers. Nope, not on Mumsnet anyway.
I once spent some time working in South Africa, in the last years of apartheid.
On my return to the UK I was astounded by how polite and friendly people were. I dropped something in the street and several people stopped to help me pick things up.
In Joburg the reactions would have been ‘Ach, lady, get out of the way.’ I'd hate to think we were going that way here — and even SA is much better these days.

I’d be fine with hugging an old lady? My neighbour is 90 odd and we often chat outside the gate. Sometimes she grasps my hand while she’s talking, to emphasise a point or whatever.
I hugged a woman in the supermarket who was crying. Didnt know her from Eve. It’s no big deal!

Don't ever go to Ireland OP.

In Ireland we accidentally took our tiny tots to a beautiful but very formal restaurant for lunch.
It didn't look that posh when we booked.
Anyway by the end of our meal we had our two little lads being picked up and passed around by a table of business men, telling them they were fine fellas and needed to start drinking Guinness and start learn hurling etc....and our daughter was sat on the knee of an older lady listening to her stories about how to find fairies.
All kids were given money for ice creams.

It was glorious but it would probably blow your mind.

Ah, ok, I see we think of this term in different ways. For me I would consider a fit marathon running 70yo just as 'old' as a very frail 70yo because I am thinking of it in strictly age terms rather than a description of their frailty.

Interestingly I think more people probably think like you - I was interested so googled it and this was the AI response;

People's perceptions have shifted over time. Surveys consistently find that many people don't consider someone to be "old" until their mid-70s or even later, especially as life expectancy and health in later life have improved.
Functionally, chronological age often matters less than health and independence. For example:

• A healthy, active 72-year-old who runs, travels and works may not feel—or be perceived as—old.
• Someone of the same age with significant frailty might be.

So if you asked most people today:

• 50s: Generally not considered old.
• 60s: Older, but not necessarily old.
• 70s: Often where opinions begin to shift.
• 80s+: Most people would describe this as old age.

The meaning of "old" is becoming increasingly tied to health and lifestyle rather than just the number of birthdays someone has had.

It’s mostly on MN. If MN was the real world it would be an even more bizarre place than it already is 😁

This is MN though! I am an old lady who was once screamed at in Tesco because when a toddler sitting in the trolley seat gave me a cheesy grin I said, without approaching at all, Thank you for that lovely smile! Apparently I should not be interacting with any child, to be fair others asked if I was OK as she was being batty and I commented that I pitied that poor child.

Fabulous.
Thanks to all those who have commented on the coin giving which I now know is called Han selling, I live in the NE.

On the subject of hugging. I remember reading when mine were small that the frequency of hugs in a lifetime peaks when you have small children of your own and declined to almost zero in the elderly. I found it sad at the time because being hugged endlessly by two tots was just blissful. As an "old lady" of 68 who's children are now 28 and 30 I still think of that.

That list is pretty much as I see it. I watched some very old Classic Coronation Street episodes, the mainly black and white ones, and women were looking elderly at 60 on that (I was shocked as even though we were the same age and some even a bit younger, they could pass as my mother!). I think it’s because year’s ago women had very hard lives; scrubbing doorsteps, no mod cons etc, so they looked well worn. We’ve moved on from that. I’d feel like I’d really let myself go if someone saw me as an old lady at 64 😭

I am saddened by posters using the idea of 'owing someone something' or not. Linked to this being primary in social interactions.
OP sounds like this lady is lonely, perhaps she has memory issues. Perhaps she was once a nursery nurse , a teacher or of course a mother of a toddler herself. Perhaps she remembers her own little boy at that age. Perhaps she looks at your lovely son and remembers someone she lost .
By all means politely prompt her not to touch your son if it bothers you. But perhaps remain polite , willing to stop for a chat and pass five minutes.
Kindness is not something we 'owe' each other. Nor is compassion and curiosity about our fellow human beings . If we are lucky enough to age we may well all be that older lady in the future xx🌻❤️

Ann Widdecombe was an old lady who was murdered. Seems respect for the elderly has disappeared. People are telling OP to blank her to be rude. I think she is probably just being friendly, same as taking my dog into town how many elderly people want to have a stroke & a little hug off her, she loves it & many ‘old’ people I have been told it makes their day. But if the younger generation are scared of any interaction with older generation what will become of our society? Don’t worry it will be your turn sooner than you think.

That's a GARGANTUAN leap.

Yes I suspect I might feel differently when I am in my 60’s too now you mention it 😂

This. I never come across people like this in real life 😂

I'd find that uncomfortable. Talking is fine; touching without permission is not. I'd probably just try my best to avoid her, as I don't know how to prevent her from trying again, since she 'forgot' your request the first time and I'd find it awkward to keep repeating it every time. However, if there's no way to avoid her, I'd just keep asking her not to do it, I suppose.

Me nither

This is nuts. Telling a baby she's cute with lovely curls is not the same as telling your office colleague she's cute!

That's a totally different situation than the OP. For some reason, the OP finds this woman to be off. This place is normally all about 'trusting spider senses' but as soon as there is a hint of 'ageism' all bets are off. MN are obsessed with agesim.

I don't suppose you'd want help from a stranger with your child then if you needed it. Wouldn't want any kindness shown to you. Wouldn't want help to pick your bits up (or you) if you fell over. Help with the baby and pram up the stairs? Forget it.