DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

Your DH doesn't want an argument because he doesn't want to hear how all of this is his own fault. He told his friends something very, very private to you, now his pervert friend has blown his cover and threathened their friendship group, that's what they're focused on, keeping the group together, not on B needing calling out and treated as the nasty, sick man he is.
I'm sorry @Anon8761 , you need to have that argument, your DH needs to know how badly he's behaved and what you need to resolve this

If they were making rape jokes, given how B wanted you to talk about it, I'd say he gets off on rape. That might get pounced on, but it's a common theme across men sex discussion sites. This is why sometimes women are told not to tell of any abuse early on in a relationship. Some men enjoy victims. This is also an example of how men don't cut abusive/rapey/pedophile/DV men out. Which is why so many of us are sceptical about NAMALT. I can't help feeling your DH has put himself center stage and you've been dehumanised along the way. It's become his story. B was getting off on it and I'm struggling to understand your DH's lack of reaction. I think DH has gone into your sex life and detail way too much. I don't know many men who'd not react to their wives being asked if they satisfy them. I'd be wary of any men who your DH recruits to 'have your back', he's actually putting you in danger.

By the way, in case it didn’t come across, I would never be having the meeting, never apologising and definitely not in my own safe space of home.

I would hope that once DH sought advice from professionals that he would be quickly schooled. You can deal with that when it comes. You don’t have to go at their pace or get swept up in their drama.

You also don’t have to sit in a room full of men who think they are saving you but who are just refusing to hear your ‘no’.

Too traumatising x

You’re giving their feelings way too much credit and headspace, OP. These are men who were making rape jokes in your house so that your DH felt compelled to fill them in on your worst experience because telling them rape isn’t funny didn’t occur to him, then one of them turned your rape into his own personal wank fodder, apparently because he thinks non-consensual sex is sexy, and now the rest of the group are trying to make that disappear, not because they’re appalled by B or remorseful, but because your rape is less important than that their collective friendship continue unimpeded.

Make no mistake, whether or not you attend, this ‘summit’ will feature you as a tiresome, over-sensitive inconvenience who should have got over it all by now, and your DH will be pressured into forgiving his loathsome friend B. Sexual crimes with female victims are less important than their hobby. Or their ‘discomfort’.

Im not sure there’s any way of coming back from this. Your DH has appalling judgement both in friends and in disclosing your private trauma and didn’t tell you, and has lied to you. The fact that he’s even contemplating discussing the whole horror with his friends suggests his priorities are completely wrong. The fact that these people are his friends also.

You have a DH and B problem. I was violently attacked in my 20s and was kidnapped and held against my will, strangled and assaulted physically and sexually. I escaped and survived. My DH knows. He knows a lot including small details like certain clocks and smells and words that are triggering. He would NEVER tell anyone.

As a survivor I get to tell who I trust.

DH was totally and utterly out of order and he needs to drop ALL of his friends. For me it would be a betrayal and I don’t know if I could come back from it.

To be asked knowing you have been raped about your sex life is abuse. Why hasn’t your DH exploded with all of them.

1. they make abusive ‘banter’ jokes and your DH told them about your past why are they doing this? Why is he friends with men like this?
2. He should of said - hey guys it’s not ok to talk about women like this or whatever no reason just line in the sand
3. If they didn’t he stops his friendship

no meetings. No discussion of you.
B abused my wife he traumatised my wife - this is what he asked her - how fucking dare he. How fucking dare he question her or bring it up. She was a victim of a serious assault and he repeatedly questioned her in an space where she was socialising - if any of you think that is ok or what to discuss it further - you can ALL fuck off. We do not treat women like this and we do not to this to the survivors of assault. Violence against women by is men is real and if you can’t see that - then I need new friends. I won’t do this and I won’t discuss my wife’s trauma any more. My focus is on her. Not meeting you

This. 👏

You need to TELL DH... That he never EVER discusses your trauma /rape with ANYONE...

I have a trauma history from over 40 years ago... My partner and a few close friends know... (some of whom have similar histories)

The phrase we/they've used is... Please stop with these jokes/comments... You don't know anyone's history who are hearing this... '

I am disgusted at this group of gossipy, codependent men, including your DH. B is a particularly nasty character but all of them are revolting, suggesting a social get together where they can talk about your private business once again. This would be so majorly off putting to me that it would probably end my marriage. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

And your DH’s friend thinks ‘sorting this out’ is within his control? He doesn’t think that B has transgressed social boundaries and that relationship is not recoverable?

Men are so arrogant. Imagining that their view, their experience are the ones that count. Setting themselves up a chief arbiters of everything. Tunnel-visioned toss-pots.

The issue they need to address as a group is surely how to reconcile respect for women, as people of equal complexity, perspective, experience and value, with the continued operation of their friendship group.

Can you tell all their wives?
That they all thought it was ok to make rapey jokes.
That B is a potential rapist - getting off on the details and then further taking control and agency away by asking about your sex life with DH in public in front of your friends.
That all of their husbands are protecting him and minimising it therefore colluding in the culture that says this is ok and making all their wives part of it.
And that their husbands are inviting this predatory man into their houses.
I would bet he's asked all of the men about their sex lives in their little gatherings. Id let the wives know this too.
Id also worry about Bs partner and let the wives know in case she is being coerced into sex.

What a horrible thing to experience OP. I'm sorry I hope you're ok 💐

1 question: why why why WHY are you not boiling with anger at your DH? He should never have told a single soul about what happened to you without our prior consent. His friend is disgusting, I can't believe he would ask such questions but ultimately, your DH should never have shared this with them.

Don't text them. There's no point, and it would only open you to accusations of being crazy or interfering, and also keep you emotionally embroiled in the situation. Step back, and have your boundaries be that you want nothing to do with them for the foreseeable future, end of.

Your husband doesn't want an argument? Good, because he shouldn't be bloody arguing with you. By saying he 'doesn't want an argument', he's saying that he disagrees with you in some way, and he thinks you're being unreasonable. WTF.

Personally, if I were you, I'd want my DH to at minimum apologise for disclosing the rape to his friends without your express permission, and demonstrate that he understands why it wasn't appropriate. Also at minimum, I'd want him to cut off B, and tell his other friends that he's not interested in discussing that decision at all, as B has shown himself to be a creep. If that means your DH is pushed out of the friend group, so be it - they're not friends worth keeping.

I agree with PPs. The only reason your husband told them was because they were making rape jokes and he didn’t want you to find out.

I wouldn’t have any of them in my life ever again, apology or not. And quite frankly, DH would be gone as well for such a fucking colossal breach of trust.

They don't need a meeting and your DH certainly shouldn't attend. B should be thrown out of the friendship group immediately as he is an utterly disgusting man who is turned on by your rape/sexual assault. His behaviour towards you was unconscionable and he should be completely shunned by all decent people.

Your DH's behaviour is also pretty unforgivable. It was completely inappropriate for him to tell his friends about what happened to you. He could have shut the inappropriate conversation down without revealing your trauma. It's up to you whether you can forgive him and carry on with the marriage. One condition should be that he never ever has any further contact with B. If he refuses, that should be marriage ending.

I'm so sorry about what happened to you when you were 17. You have done everything possible to rebuild your life and your home with your DH should be your safe haven. He has completely ruined that and you shouldn't feel bad if you can't forgive him and your marriage ends.

Your DH should be making it clear that there is no point in a group discussion because no amount of conversation amongst his friends will

• Make YOU feel any more comfortable with B after his inexcusable behaviour
• Mean that YOU are any more comfortable with DH spending time with someone who treated you that way
• Resolve how exposing and inappropriate it was that your trauma had been a subject for discussion in the first place
• Maks it any more acceptable that you have been put in this position

Its so fucking male centred. He needed support from 7 friends because of something you experienced 7 years prior to meeting? Fuck that.

They all need to "sort" this issue, whilst you're still trying to figure who has been told, and who has passed on, one of the most private aspect of your past? And yet none of them have reached out to you to apologise? Fuck that.

Would I hell be at any group discussion, because in their self centred minds that validates it. I'd put it clearly to your DH that he needs to think long and hard about why he shared that information, and then put you in social situations where you were so exposed and ignorant of that fact. And that if he or any of his friends expect this to be "sorted" its a clear indication of where they stand morally and in relation to care for you and you'll protect your boundaries and self accordingly.

I'm incandescent for you.

Good grief no. This is a terrible idea.

I agree with someone else, I don't think I could stay with my husband if he'd told his circle of friends about my past trauma. To me that's the ultimate betrayal in trust. The incident with B is, to a degree a secondary incident, that would have never happened, if OP's husband hadn't blabbed to start with.

B is a pervert, who knew exactly what he was doing. Someone can't be that socially unaware or dimwitted to think the line of questioning was appropriate. You then have to ask yourself, what was his motive? To make OP uncomfortable? To gain some sense of power by questioning her over something he knew was triggering? Or does he get some form of sexual gratification?

I think you must go into self preservation mode here.
Do you have a counsellor/ organisation you can contact?
I feel you could really do with professional support in this circumstance.

Do not let these men into your home which should be a safe space for you.

I’m concerned that given the reaction of B and this group of men ( including your husband) any kind of meeting will be incredibly distressing for you and you certainly shouldn’t be the only woman there.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you.

It might be a terrible idea but this man is getting off Scot free. It very much feels like this group of men are going to close ranks and he's going to continue getting away with it. Again.
The OP has had some great advice from many many people here and hopefully the sheer number and strength of support should help her to feel supported and not alone.

I am angry at DH. I think he is upset he's been caught out basically making what happened to me public knowledge... Without my consent.

I've had them in our house and they knew.. and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. It's highly personal information. Something I've discussed in confidence with DH obviously. I'm angry because I'm wondering now what is the full picture... What HAS DH said? Why? And for what reason?

The group seem extremely concerned about their carvery meet ups rather than the fact B is a weirdo who at best hits on other people's wives and at worst asks if rape made them enjoy sex more or less?

DH already lied this morning and is ignoring my messages. I have 2 young DC to look after today and I just can't get my head around this. DH said he'll discuss after work.

The meeting is apparently Saturday if B agrees to attend and apparently not at our house because DH friends worried I'll make them uncomfortable, so I guess off they go to talk about this while I sit at home looking after DC and what? Wait for DH to return and update me and what the 'inner circle' has decided?! It's ridiculous.

I'm seeing a lot of comments against your husband here. I'm sure there are very few people on this page that haven't spoken to a best friend about a partners trauma/life event. Also encouraged to talk to a friend. You have nothing to feel shameful about. Your husband sounds like he has your back.
B is an absolute red flag. Sitting alone in a bar that sounds like somewhere women congregate. Trying to isolate a drunk woman at point, but maybe you interrupted his plan for the night so he got his kicks out off you.
If any of my husbands friends asked me if he satisfied me in bed I'd have serious issues. B's questioning of you was depraved,cruel and twisted. If he's married I'd be sending his wife a list of the questions he asked you. I'd also consider letting your husband send them to the rest of his friends and saying this is the reason I will not be in B's company any longer and if they don't see anything wrong with the questions or would be happy to let their wives be questioned like that he don't be in their company either.
Another option is to bring them all to your house but only if they bring their wives/partners.

I think your DH should really stop seeing this friendship group. They all sound vile and he sounds disloyal.

B is clearly a creepy pervert who felt he had a right to discuss this with you - he needs to be told to shut up and never mention your name again.

I truly think DH should drop them all (I appreciate he’s known them forever but that’s tough) and not open his mouth about your trauma ever again unless you ask him to.

Whether this happens, I can’t say but if it didn’t, I wouldn’t married to him.

Your “d” h is a vile gossip! His “friends” are nasty vile people and frankly the fact he told everyone he has violates you all over again! He shouldn’t have EVER said anything to anyone!!! The creep of B is a nasty nasty little fuck who deserves to feel uncomfortable! They ALL do! I would message the group - factually - telling them exactly what B said and how that made you feel violated all over again. I’d also tell them that your personal history has nothing to do with them and their “friendship group!” NOTHING!! It’s not up for discussion and titivation! If your husband ever sees ANY of these nasty people ever again i would never speak to him again.

frankly what your husband has done is just as bad as his mates! Telling them your personal history because they were making nasty jokes about rape?!?! Why the fuck does he even have “friends” like this??? That’s not normal to joke about and any normal decent human being knows that!!!

I think this is literally going to come down to telling your DH that he’s going to have to choose between you and B. He shouldn’t be this stupid, but he is. He thinks, like his friends, that somehow this can be smoothed over. It can’t. If his friends can’t accept that, then he’s choosing between you and his stupid inner circle of rape-jokers and perverts and arrogant misogynists who think women’s trauma is less important than their comfort. You can say you don’t want to argue either, but that’s what it comes down to and he’d better get his thick head around that fast. And that’s if you can forgive him telling them all in the first place.

You have a very serious issue with the group as a whole. They only know the full story because they were making inappropriate rape based jokes in the first place op. Your dh has been listening to this, and most likely joining in for three whole decades.

The reason this feels so ‘uncomfortable’ ‘difficult’ for all of them as they have been joking and minimising the rape and abuse of women all their lives - now one of the predators within the group has been exposed. Make no mistake B was pressing you for sexual gratification, and enjoyed hurting and upsetting you.

The culture of the whole group is toxic, and this situation has just highlighted the fact. The group’s survival may be at stake. And they are no doubt blaming you op directly or indirectly.

Your dh either walks away from the group, or he walks away from his marriage, he can no longer straddle both.

Given what has happened to you I am amazed he could tolerate ‘friends’ like this in the first place.

I am deeply sorry you have been through such a terrible situation and are now feeling retraumatised again. Your dh needs to now prioritise your emotional safety, he needs to step back from his friends and step up and put you first.