DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

B didn’t just say something in passing, he really got into it. It’s just weird he would even think that’s appropriate. DH has bought this on himself, and if he ruins his group of friends then that’s his fault. I’d be absolutely fuming with DH.

If your husband had kept his mouth shut from the start, then this whole situation would have never happened. Why on earth did your husband tell all his mates about your past trauma? That in itself, is a betrayal.

As for his friend B, I can't even fathom why he even brought up the subject, to you, let alone spent the night quizzing you. He clearly knew his line of questioning was making you uncomfortable but didn't care enough to stop.

All the friendship group wanting to meet to try and salvage the relationship between your husband and B, without your input. You need to take the power back, and say that they all come to the house. You then bloody well give B a dressing down for his behaviour. Make it crystal clear to every single one of them, that they never ever bring the subject up.

Your DH doesn’t want an argument? He thinks your expression of your perspective and feelings is under his command?

This is so awful I don't know where to start, but I'll start with your husband. It's his fault. He shouldn't have said anything, ever, to these men. He's the cause of all of this. How you deal with it is up to you but I wouldn't trust him one inch now. He doesn't want an argument? Tough.

I can't begin to get my head round this 'meeting' in your house! With you there? What on earth for? How will that improve things for you, OP, and never mind about these horrible men? Don't agree to any meeting in your house, with or without you there. You can't stop them talking elsewhere, clearly, but it mustn't be where you are supposed to feels safe.

As for B. What a PoS. And how many others of this group of men were getting sexually aroused by the attack on you? And you are considering having these men in your home?????

I don’t really now why they’re meeting. What’s going to be said that’s going to make it ok and good FH to want to start hanging around with B again. The group just want to smooth it over so that they don’t have to split the group or take sides, they’re going to push for them to be friends again.

Your H should be handling this by completely shutting it down. There should be no meeting or discussion and if he wants to salvage a friendship with the remainder of the group, they should understand that he never wants to hear them discuss your trauma or B again. There should be no need for you to message any of his friends.

Does your H acknowledge that B is clearly a pervert? Is he concerned that any of his other friends might have got a kick hearing about your trauma, but it just happens that B was the one who ended up seeing you without your husband so he could do that to you?

I felt sorry for your naive husband initially, but I’m beginning to wonder about him too.

I’m sorry but the chances of that are zero. Friend will say she is making stuff up / she is traumatised. It will turn very nasty. Everyone will argue. This isn’t a soap. It is OP’s life.

I honestly think I'd want DH to cut off the whole friend group. And I'd be beyond furious with him for betraying my trust.

Don't text them whilst you are angry but perhaps compose one which might help you clarify thoughts and feelings. Leave it unsent.
Perhaps show DH though he already knows how you feel.
It's on him.
He caused this so needs to deal with the mess by putting you first at all times which is what he should have done in the first place but didn't and must do now if he wants your love and respect.

Just seen your latest update Op.
They need to feel as uncomfortable as possible. It’s not normal to make rapey jokes (which is what kicked all this off), it’s not normal AT ALL to do or say the things B did to you.

They all need to look at themselves here.

I can’t understand why your DH has told so many of his friends.

This isn’t anyone but your trauma to tell about and discuss. How fucking dare your DH do this to you. I was raped at 5 and I’d be fucking incandescent and divorce DH if he had done this. All of these relationships are unsalvageable IMO.

Yes, he didn't for example ask if I was ok, or say he was here if I needed anything that evening. He was horrible, insensitive, creepy etc
Said 'the whole inner circle know.' almost gleefully.
And I left feeling upset and exposed and wondering who knew and what was said and why.

I'm so sorry OP. Your husband is a dimwit who betrayed your trust. He doesn't get to shut you down now and abdicate responsibility for the harm he has done. If you feel up to it, please give him this thread to read so hopefully he gets it.

B is obviously a creep and a pervert, maybe even a sexual abuser. The fact that his friends are ok with keeping him around as well as making rape jokes and discussing your trauma amongst themselves just makes me think your husband should ditch the lot of them.

I’m so sorry op. That guy is an absolute creep! And I’m angry on your behalf at your dh thinking this is ok for him to tell his friends when you haven’t even told yours. I’d honestly be reevaluating my marriage at this point.

Your DH needs to say no to the meeting. He should be furious at B (not least for the question about whether or not he satisfies you in bed - did you tell him that part?) and never see him again. The group will just have to accept that some behaviour is so bad it can’t be made up for and that it isn’t a group decision.

and boohoo if it makes them feel uncomfortable! How uncomfortable are they making you feel?! So bloody what, they can just suck it up for being rape apologists. B is going to, what, say sorry to your DH (not even to you!) and they all want him to then accept that and go back to normal?!

So what if you are making them uncomfortable. It’s nothing in comparison to how they made you feel.

all they care about is getting things back to normal. That’s it.

I would leave a man who has destroyed my privacy and is friends with perverts.

I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this.

your husband behaved despicably, his friend behaved even more despicably, his wider friendship group are behaving despicably

how dare they all think it’s appropriate for them to control the proceedings and narrative on this. For me your DH respects your wishes and calls a stop to this, or he’s continuing to be as bad as the rest of them - the fact that them thinking it’s appropriate for anyone other than you to decide what happens from here is absolutely mind blowing

OP this is a really fast moving thread - I think @WahWahWahs post is really good, I don’t want you to miss it.

Your DH should never have diminished your experiences by trading them with his friends, like campfire stories.

They are all, including your DH, using you as a source of salacious drama and there is something very wrong with this. Your husband needs to put an immediate stop to all of it, and if this means ceasing contact with them and finding new friends, then that is what he must do.

There are so many broken boundaries here.

I'm absolutely livid on your behalf OP, how dare your husband betray your trust like that? It sounds like he's blabbing your business around like the worst kind of gossip and I'd be wondering who else he's told.
I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive him.

When they were joking initially and DH wanted them to pipe down incase you heard, he should have simply said “I don’t want you to make jokes about this, it’s inappropriate.” Why did he feel the need to share something incredibly private and personal to you with his whole friendship group just to get them to stop making infantile obnoxious jokes?

I’d reserve my anger for him in this instance I’m afraid. It wasn’t his trauma to share and as for B, DH shouldn’t even contemplate remaining friends with the absolute creep. Sorry this happened to you.

This is one of those situations where "let them" is the perfect way forward.

Let them crack on with whatever they want. You have nothing to explain or text them over.

You are holding your boundaries over not seeing them. Your DH must hold his by refusing to see B again, or discuss what has happened with the remaining friends, in support of you.

The friends can do whatever they like in response to that.

DH needs to send a message to all of them that they need to get it through their thick skulls that there is no “issue” to be discussed and that the friendship with B is over because B is a creepy little pervert. There is no “maintaining” anything after that and if they wish to carry on associating with creepy little perverts that’s their choice, but he will not be. Why is that so difficult?

This

sorry @Anon8761 there's something wrong with all of these people.