DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

You are not making anyone uncomfortable. You are not responsible for any of this mess. Quite frankly, your husband is. He betrayed you by telling his friends. This is not information to share with anyone but a therapist, if he needed to talk about it. He’s not even owning up to what he’s done, he’s lied and he’s minimising what he has done. What B did is vile and unforgivable. No respectable person would ever raise this with you, ever, let alone question you in the way he did. Only you can decide where you go from here. I’m sorry sorry you are going through this.

Have you messaged him: we can discuss, but you need to be clear they can decide what they like, what I care about is what you decide and what I decide, which includes how I feel about your role in all this. If you don’t have my back absolutely here then I cannot trust you. Right now I cannot trust you. <friend> is a creepy predator and you need to see that.

Your DH shouldn’t have told his friends at all. The fact that B chose to even mention it at all, let alone continue to question you in such weird and intrusive way is atrocious. No decent person would ever do that. There’s something seriously wrong with them.

I would leave my Husband over this. Telling his friends about your private life? Absolute wanker.

OMG I can't even read all the replies. How dare any of them be trying to steer this. DH has to tell B to fuck off and never see him again. The rest of the "friends" need to mind their own fucking business and your husband needs to let the cards fall where they do even if it means losing all these men. He also owes you the biggest of apologies for over sharing. I'm so sorry OP this whole scenario is fucked up.

OP, don’t text them. Don’t attend the ‘meeting’. Have nothing to do with this vile group of men. But you have lots of discussions with your husband ahead. I really hope at some point he ‘gets it’. Maybe consider some relationship counselling as this is quite a big area to navigate on your own.

Remember you have done nothing wrong. You are not making them feel uncomfortable. You are absolutely the innocent party here. Hold your head up high and assert yourself, especially around your husband who has betrayed you in the worst way possible.

I understand telling a very limited selection of people within certain circumstances (ie certain teachers when you’re still a minor) but a group of friends? I think I’d divorce over it.

I have an extensive past of sexual trauma as a teenager and DP is aware of it, but if he had shared it with friends without my consent I’d probably leave him. And frankly his friend was fucking creepy, I thought this story was going to go in a even more horrid direction.

It’s your husband’s fault for telling them all. What an idiot! He only needed to say stop that, it’s inappropriate. Not tell them why! I have been through similar and I’m not ashamed but it’s private and my story to tell only if I want to. Only a handful of people know including my family. There is no way I’d ever want my husband’s friends to know as knowledge is power and it is mine. I’d be so upset if they discussed it with me on a night out in front of other friends. For me personally I’d avoid all of his friends from now on. That friend in particular seemed to enjoy making you squirm and embarrassed. He is not a nice guy at all. There is no way I’d agree to a meeting. They don’t get to decide what you’re going to do, as it may open up lots of trauma for you. They are not counselling experts! I’m afraid this is your husband’s mess to clean up and he has to decide if they’re really good friends or not. But they cannot come into your home from now on as things have changed.

I'm so sorry, OP, what an absolute headfuck.

It might be a good idea to figure out what you want from your DH at minimum, and your own boundaries, and jot them down in your notes app - that might help you put the issue aside until your DH gets home? Just so you're not ruminating on it all day, although I imagine it'll be hard not to dwell on it anyway.

It's a real betrayal from your DH, and his defensive reaction to your distress must be so disappointing. Personally, I'd be tempted to tell him that if he goes to this stupid meeting, he'll be crossing a line - it's not him that B wronged, it's you, so what do they want to talk to your DH about?? He should tell them that he's not about to go to some strange group mediation, and that there's nothing to discuss in regards to B.

I think I would too, I'd feel betrayed and then he minimised your trauma to gossip with friends, B sounds as if he gets off on this sort of thing . Very weird.

Agree with this. Anything you add will just add to the drama. They all sound fucking nuts. It’s one thing to salvage the friendship but quite another to have a ‘meeting’ to discuss your past trauma. As hard as it is I would disengage from it all.

This whole situation is horrible. If it had happened to me, I don't think I could let it rest tbh. Neither would I trust my DH if he said that his "group" were excluding B. Me being a bit bolshy, I think I'd arrange for a sitter for your DC and go to the meeting wherever it's being held. I'd also probably either spring this on my DH as he's walking out the door (so he doesn't have time to let his "friends" know what they might be in for), or just turn up there after he's already gone. Then once there, I'd be the one driving the "intervention" to make B and all the others extremely uncomfortable. But I realise you may not want to do that. I sincerely wish you well.

Oh, for christ’s sake, he wants to leave you to look after the kids while he goes to this completely pointless summit? That’s even worse! No! Are your kids old enough to understand? If under 3, I’d be saying fuck that, you’re taking the kids with you.

Once again, men's comfort is more important than a woman's trauma. TBH they should all be banned from your home anyway and it sounds as though they are relishing this meeting where they discuss the worst thing that has ever happened to you.

Your husband should be completely shutting this down. No meeting, no discussions, just expelling B from the group. He is a creepy pervert who is a danger to women. Why would any decent men want to be friends with him?

Your husband's current behaviour is absolutely awful. He sounds more invested in saving his friendship group than supporting you. He's avoiding your calls and messages like the coward he is.

You are the mother of his children and he has completely betrayed you. I'm so sorry.

I bet all of these men think they’re one of the good guys as well.

Agree - B is a weirdo and your husband needs new friends.

So sorry you are having to deal with this.

God forbid you make a group of men uncomfortable! 🙄🙄🙄

Your h has totally let you down here. WTF was he thinking, telling all his stupid mates your very private history? I wouldn’t be able to trust him again,and I’d be seriously thinking of leaving him. How are you feeling towards him?

No, his mates should not meet to talk about you. They all need to STFU and respect your h’s wish to never see his other friends again.

Does your h have form for letting you down and tattling about your private issues? I’d be furious with him.

But is it going to be a discussion everyone’s been dragged into it
tbh I get it Dh needs to do is say there’s an issue be him and B which isn’t open for discussion but moving forward he doesn’t want to be in his company so suggest alternate weeks and other people can make there own choices

the issue around DH telling them
and this issues with B are totally separate to the group
this is about how they deal with conflict between 2 of the members if the group not what caused the conflict that’s between DH and B

There is nothing to discuss, nothing to agree.

Well you'd be very wrong. I for one would not be discussing anything with anyone other than my partner.
And let's say your right and you did discuss it with your best friend. That is one person not 7 or 8 people!
If I was in the op's shoes I'd find it completely disloyal and I don't know I'd be able to forgive.
Her partner dies not even seem to be particularly apologetic just making it about him and how difficult he found it!

They are not discussing his wife’s personal life they are discussing the threat of their friendship group breaking up. They’re hoping B will apologise and husband will forgive him

Your h has to get his priorities straight. His entire friendship group sounds weird. He needs to find new friends and prioritise you. And he needs to realise how badly he has behaved and apologise properly.

I’m really sorry this has happened to you. You’re dealing with it amazingly, and you sound like a strong person. I wish you the very best. 💐

They all sound insufferable.Who do they think they are? A secret society / the maons?

I am so sorry for all you have endured and tell your dh there will be no meeting...with you or otherwise.

This is so awful. My best friend's husband is in a group like this and one of them did something questionable (made a comment about one of the other lad's female relatives). They all cut him off together, no question.

Masons*