DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

No. No to a meeting about you. No to you going to a meeting. No to ANY meeting at all. This is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!!!!
Your H needs to tell the group that there will be no more discussion of your trauma. It is private and he should not have told them about it. He needs to say that he can no longer see or interact with.B at all. The group needs to see that how B spoke to you was incredibly insensitive. If they don’t, 30 years or not, H needs to break contact with them also. If H can’t do this for you he choosing them above you and that is not ok. This is relationship ending. The blame lies with your H.

Exactly this!
Unfortunately most men don't understand or accept how SA affects us & B was definitely asking those hideous probing questions for the reason stated above - self gratification! This is 100% a hideous trauma & not some 'spicy' bloody discussion that warrants a get-together with the boys, & certainly not in your home! Any excuse for another piss-up! 😡
Your home is (or should be) your safe place. Please say no to any of this & make your DH aware this is never up for discussion (EVER) with them. How demeaning to think they could fix this through their 'manly' (as they see it!) perspective! How dare they. I'm angry for you. No wonder only 2% are successful! I'm so sorry you've had to feel violated all over again! 💐

I am so sorry OP.
This is fucking awful behaviour.

I think the most of my anger would lay with your husband here he had no right to discuss your private life with anyone, especially not a whole group of friends. This is disgraceful and I'm not sure I could forgive this betrayal.

As that is what this is OP. A betrayal of the highest form. He has talked openly about something that was not his to share.

Betrayal comes in all forms OP. But this is up there with the worst for me, as it's betrayal of trust. Which involves major trauma.

I'm not sure attending a meeting would be the first thing on my mind. I would honestly want space from him so I could think about how to move in from this.

Your DP needed support for dealing with the assault you were victim of? 🙄

Your DH doesn’t get to tell anyone for ‘support’. Nope. No. If he was struggling the only discussion is with you to say he needs support from a therapist. Your DH is massively in the wrong here, sadly. He caused this. Of course his friend hasn’t taken it seriously as it has been treated as gossip. Having said that, friend is a massive creep with no social skills- imagine thinking it was ok to bring this up?! He’s vile.

I’m so sorry OP. I would be absolutely furious with DH and would feel completely betrayed. This is absolutely private and absolutely your news to tell to whom you want to when you want to.
B was not concerned about you at all, the fact he was asking about your sex life shows he is a vile man.
Im not sure in your shoes I could recover my trust with DH. If he needed additional support I can understand him confiding in one close friend but not the group.
I wouldn’t be meeting up with them and wouldn’t expect DH to either. If the rest of the groups can not understand how disgusting B has behaved then that says a lot about them.

The source if your problem is dh. He didnt have your back discussing private issues with his mates.
apparently he told them because they were at our house making jokes in poor taste. And he'd said to stop as I was upstairs and then he told them the trauma no reason to tell them about you. All he had say was ' thats enough fellas, I dont want to hear this" and not use your experience as a reason.
There needs to a line drawn under it. No more discussions.

Personally I wouldn't want friend B in my sight again. He knew you were uncomfortable and carried on! Thats just nasty. What the hell was wrong with him, was he getting off on your discomfort?

I'm so sorry that happened to you when you were younger @Anon8761 . I'm sorry that this recent experience has happened to you too.

You know B is out of order. There is nothing for your DH to salvage in that friendship.

Holding an intervention in your house is a really bad idea imo. I believe that this could lead to you feeling like your home is no longer a safe space for you.

You sound like a strong woman. Do you need to hear an apology from B to move on from it? I'm not sure he'll realise what he's apologising for - it sounds to me like there's some vile deep rooted stuff in him, particularly because he briefly recognised he may have been making you feel uncomfortable, but ploughed on talking anyway. I don't think an apology from him is worth it.

From your initial post, I was not too grumpy with your DH, as I know I've discussed things with close friends about my partner, as they've impacted me. From your update, I'm not sure if more people in the friendship group heard because your DH told them or because B did or because someone else brought it up as a topic of conversation. Once the information was out there, the control of who heard it was gone.

Moving forward, I think you can put clear boundaries in. DH will not be seeing the friends if B is there. DH is to not be part of any intervention, as there's nothing to repair with B. He's vile. DH is to shut down any conversation about B, or what happened to you, if he's with these friends. It's none of their business.

If the friends want to hold the intervention, then let them. You and DH don't have to be part of that. You know where your lines are around B. There's nothing up for discussion.

If his friends find that too difficult, then DH needs to move onto a new friendship group. He must recognise that none of this would have happened had he not blabbed your deeply personal trauma to as many of his friends as he did.

All the best walking through this one.

OP,

Love, I am gutted for you. I don't have much to add to what pp have said- your husband should not have told his mates (honestly, disgusting behaviour from him), his 'mate' B is beneath contempt and a danger to women as far as I am concerned, and should only be in your house if YOU choose that. And the whole group of mates are disgraces for prioritising their bloody hobby over your trauma. I guess they don't think what you've been through is that big a deal.

I can't imagine how you are feeling - i just wanted to send love, and to tell you to NOT invalidate/deprioritise your own feelings so a few men's lives become somewhat inconvenienced. Take your time if you need and don't be pressured into this meeting or anything else if you aren't ready. Might you consider some counselling sessions to work this through and figure out what you need now?

X

This goes way beyond the friend here. Your H has betrayed you and is lying to you about that - even now. He wasn’t struggling, his defensiveness shows that.

I’d be asking him for space. He doesn’t have your back. This blowing up is seen as a big inconvenience for the group and you are the one getting the blame for that - it’s so fucked up.

it’s absolutely your right who to tell and what. You sound very strong and the shame isn’t yours. The shame is on all of them. Including your H.

OMG the guy was getting his kicks getting the details of this from you.
Have a meeting with them - noooooooo way. So they can recount it to others when it suits them. - with faux understanding?
Thousands of women are raped and assaulted -direct them to the Rotherham stuff if they want to wallow in it or any other of the thousands of reported cases.

And the fact that your H is more worried about his friends being uncomfortable shows him for who he is even more.

lwell it shows men have no comprehension of the trauma it causes

This is beyond awful I'm so sorry. Your husband should never have told them, that’s terrible. 😞

What an absolute prick, and possible sex offender quite frankly. However, why didn’t you or one of your mates tell him to shut the fuck up when he even mentioned it in the first place? I don’t get why everyone sat there letting him ask personal questions, - and even answering them?!!! He’d have been out on his arse the second he spoke.

Shame needs to switch sides.

This vile man was getting off on your trauma and your reaction to it. I’m sorry you went through this. What an awful man.

the other men should want nothing to do with this vile creep.

Friend B sounds like a creep, I can't believe he even mentioned it, let alone pushed you to talk about it 1:1 in a bar. You would have been well within your rights to tell him to fuck off and mind his own business.

I would hate that my partner has shared any details of this with a male friend group. Telling one or two trusted friends for support perhaps, but even then, they don't need to know details of what happened to you to be able to support him. Very poor judgement on your husbands part and this whole follow up meeting thing is just awful.

Your husband needs to be clear, your trauma is not up for discussion, neither with you or about you, from this point forwards, no meeting. If his friends are making crude / rapey/ inappropriate conversation he should be calling them out on that because it's wrong full stop, not because his partner might be upset.

OP I am reading this with a tight chest and rising feelings of panic because this happened to me too, right down to a person bringing it up at a social event.

I can’t read the whole thread but just wanted to say before I left that you are allowed to centre yourself in this. Take control: that’s what was taken from me and I am refusing to let people keep taking it from me in the form of ‘support’ until I am suddenly ‘too sensitive’.

Only my advice, but now you get to lead. You also get to do nothing until you are ready to. I would say the following to DH and pretend to mean every word of it:

’Ok, I have been traumatised enough by all of this so no, I don’t want a fight or any more fall out. I can see you all want to help so here is what would actually help.

Before we all get together to discuss me, let’s make it really productive for our whole friendship group. The best way forward is that I will write down in bullet points what happened, including at the social event with B - no emotions, just facts - and then you and B can take it to Rape Crisis or a SA trained counsellor and they can advise you what to do next to repair this so that we know we are all doing the right thing.

It won’t work without everyone understanding how to move forward. B and your friendship group are not trained in trauma support for me or you so it would be the most healing way if they really all care about supporting you (AND BLOODY ME) properly’

Then drop out of the conversation and repeat this at every turn. They need to hear it from someone who isn’t you all about the re-traumatisation of survivors, of the minimisation from their friends etc. They will be told, in no uncertain terms, that they are harming you. It hurts for you to have to tell them this.

They are so self centred, but think they are the saviours, and in my experience, that was the hardest thing after the event for me to deal with. I had to perform how they expected a victim to perform so they could feel like the good guy.

My heart is with you. You are NOT in the wrong.

Absolutely a pervert. The fact he asked "did you prefer sex before or after?" is particularly horrifying on so many levels. B sounds truly twisted.

DH telling the group to stop making rape jokes (and perhaps they refused so in his panic DH stated why) does not give those 'friends' an excuse to ask a traumatised victim anything whatsoever about it, let alone to drop it on her that he knows and then salaciously interrogate her all evening, after encountering her randomly on a night out. And the way he dropped "we all know"?! I'm so sorry OP. You must have been reeling.

There should be no further discussion with the twisted boundary-busting pervert. Seriously he sounds psychopathic doing this to you. The friend group are going to have to choose and if they're so determined B stays in their group, DH should opt out altogether.

On that note, DH sounds above the whole lot of them anyway, given this whole situation has arisen from the fact they were making jokes about rape in the first place. Birds of a feather.

Your dh is an absolute prick and had no right to tell these dickheads anything about you. If he’s known them for 30 years he must be aware that gossiping about his wife being raped is not something they would take seriously. I couldn’t get past this - telling one best friend in confidence maybe, telling the lads on a night out/in absolutely not. He’s the one that has caused this problem. I don’t think these men would take this seriously and I think you’ll cause yourself more trauma trying to get them to understand. These men see themselves as the ‘nice’ namalt men which I’d be very surprised if they are from what you’re saying - it’s not in their interests to take you seriously or understand how being raped effects women in general. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

What ? Your H should tell then . What meeting ? NOONE should be discussing his wife's personal life, a multiple agression, then torment her with it in public. Why isnt he furious?
Why did you want to be present when these jerks discuss your violation?
No meeting, with or without you.
B is a pervert bully, he was enjoying embarrassing & tormenting you.
You should have shut him down, “This is not a subject for open discussion nor, public scrutiny. You need to go away”.

What is there to discuss, your husband doesn’t want to be friends with him because he did something awful, that’s it, that’s the end of the discusssion.

The whole thing is very odd. B is a wanker. Why would he think that you wouldn’t be able to go out or that you’d want to sit on a night out chatting about being raped? And the sex comments are downright creepy. Your H is right to cut him off, but why does he also appear to be gossiping to everyone he knows about it? I can kind of understand if he felt the need to offload to a trusted friend but he seems to have told everyone he knows.

Thank you.

I don't want to clouded by anger. I am furious.
DH friend text him to say:

'I’ve known you both as long as each other and I want to try and maintain what we have whilst sorting out these issues.'

This isn't imo an issue to be sorted out..the issue is B is a weirdo. And I do to also believe DH made a judgement call that was clearly wrong.

And I just don't know what to do.
Message them all?! I'm upset and angry for multiple reasons but I don't want to see as this crazy wife that texts everyone etc
Because seemingly I am making them uncomfortable already.

Absolutely agree. How dare they say any of this is up for discussion! Your husband needs to decide whether his marriage is more important than his creepy friends. And learn to keep his mouth shut.