DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

I think it's nuts that your husband's friends have the fucking nerve to think they have any business having an intervention about B deliberately trying to trigger you.

And he did. Most people would have apologized, not doubled down. B got off on trying to trigger a victim of sexual violence. He's trying to do it again in front of more people under the guise of a discussion of your trauma and issues in front of a bunch of people. This is not him acting in good faith.

Interventions are done under the guidance of trained professionals. These guys aren't and would know better than to go anywhere near this shit show if they were.

His friends want to play with you and the trauma you carry like a toy.

I think this is sick and disordered and toxic and you need to get somewhere safe. Seek mental health support ASAP if you're not under care, this is people close to you acting in bad faith and gaslighting you into something that would be traumatic. I think it's a form of emotional and psychological abuse.

You are not their entertainment.

I’m in California and the closest you can get to here is London by the way the crow flies:
it’s 5300+ miles, &
8600 kilometers between the two.
That is far - but if you hear.me screaming, I do very much apologise.
I would NEVER EVER EVER SPEAK TO MY HJSBAND AGAIN.
EVER
That dude and his big fat mouth have caused you more unnecessary heartache and anxiety than one girl should ever have to endure.
In sickness in and health my arse - unless he causes the sickness, dontcha know.
I’d sure enough arrange that meet-up - and then reveal that your husband bites his toenails while he watches tv or he rubs his underarms and then licks his fingers.
Just think of the most grossest, most disgusting thing that your husband could possibly do in private and fell all his buddies at this meeting.

Turnabout is fair play. And it can be humorous.

And I’m sending you love across a continent and an ocean ❤️

Oh my God why on earth has he told everyone??! What is wrong with him? He doesn’t need to tell every fucker. My husband has never told anyone about my SA. How can you trust your husband now?!

Yeah this. To be honest as soon as read that the husband kept telling OP “I have your back” I thought yeah he doesn’t have your back. Someone who has to keep telling you they have clearly doesn’t.

I am really sorry OP. I hope your okay. This is horrific. Please look after yourself. What your husband has done is awful. Do not let him get away with it.

Do what you need to do

100 percent this. I would be scared to be alone with a man like that. He sounds dangerously interested in rape.

What happened to you is such an awful thing, that it’s so so obvious it’s not the sort of thing you would share. You don’t need to say ‘please keep this to yourself’ you just would! I just can not believe he’s told a soul. Maybe just maybe, I could forgive him sharing it with his Mum in the early days of your relationship to maybe offload and get a female perspective. But to tell 7 male mates, his boss too - it’s so fucking disrespectful.

I told my DH that I didn’t want anyone to know about our IVF and he respected that, but your scenario requires a whole different level of sensitivity and discretion. He’s he thick? How can he not appreciate that?

I have noticed Op hasn’t been back

She's been back several times.

Youre not very good at noticing things then, she has 13 posts on this thread.

i should have said since her dh arrived home. I am putting my baby to sleep and rushed my post.

It’s your private business and no one else’s to share.

Your DH is a huge blabber mouth. I would be seething. I really hope he’s eating humble pie over this.

In future if ever a creepy weirdo oversteps the mark with you, stand up for yourself and tell them to go fuck themselves.

When you’re at this meeting make sure you don’t leave any detail out of this creep’s behaviour. Do not let him minimise it.

I’m so sorry for what you have been thru @Anon8761

As for your DH, shit would hit the fan if that was my partner. He has broken your trust by telling not one, not two but multiple people. You told him in confidence and he’s just went around informing others of your private business and that is crazy. I know personally I wouldn’t could forgive him for that. When you get into a relationship one of the big things you do is trust the other person and he’s proven to have broken that.

He should NOT be meeting these people to discuss you. If there is a conversation to be had then it should involve you but to be honest I’d be dealing with him first.

15 pages in and how upsetting a thread this is. @Anon8761 my heart goes out to you. I am so deeply sorry you are having to go through all this.

But, the rage I personally feel is at your H. B is scum of the earth, but only got to act this way because of what your H disclosed to them.

This has made me rethink my ideas on betrayal. A trauma like this is nobodies to tell except the one it happened to. I would never ever betray someone in this way. Not a friend, nobody. Yet the husband did, and in OP's own home too. It beggars belief.

It is actually also so shocking that he told them in order to shush down whatever it was they were saying. He threw you under a bus rather than throw them out.

And now there are chats, talks of meetings over a concern for B. WTF

It takes homosocial to a dark level. I hate these men, including H.

You say 7 people know, guaranteed they shared this most private information. Utter low lifes. I would divorce over this. The betrayal and subsequent hand wringing over B would be my walk away moment.

But it is your life OP. I hope you take some comfort from the overwhelming support on here and seek it when you need it. Don't be cajoled into minimizing this though, your H has betrayed you in a way I think is unforgivable.

Unless you have ongoing trauma that means potential disruption in day to day life, he had no need to tell anyone.

In which case, he is sick.

He cannot be excused in any other way.

OP, I am so very sorry for everything that has happened.
I actually cannot believe how B behaved. He seems to be a very sick individual.
I can’t get my head around your dh telling all those people either, does he normally overshare?
As for the group not wanting you to make them uncomfortable, well I’m lost for words.
Sending you a huge ((hug)).

Marriage Counselling. You and your DH can talk and talk and talk, but without an experienced third party to listen, to ask relevant questions, to get through the muddle of each others emotions, it's your words and your truth, against your DH and what his understanding of your trauma is. It seems your DH has no real understanding of what has happened here, the betrayal of your trust and what reads as the almost voyeuristic sharing of your assault. Because, yeah, I do think B was getting off on those questions - you in a social setting with your mates - B took the control you had over your evening and questioned you deeply about the most traumatic event of your young life. B appears to have a porn obsession and can get f&cked. There is no justification for what he did.

Mumsnet is always so quick to the LTB/divorce. And I get how others wouldn't be able to forgive this. It's only you, OP, that can make this decision - you have a family, you have a life built together. Personally, I'd do the work with a Counsellor and if DH still doesn't get it, on his knees apologising, I'd be done. Christ on a bike, the agonies of making his mates uncomfortable by HIS oversharing - that needs picking apart. What was that first conversation between "the lads" that your DH felt he needed to share - And to hell with "the lads" meeting up to talk about you and your trauma.

Oh god OP I just wanted to post and hopefully validate how you're feeling. Very, very few people know about my rape. I could count them on one hand. One of them is my DH, who hasn't told anyone to my knowledge (I will check this with him later). I want to tell you that I would probably go insane with rage if I were in your situation. The AUDACITY of your husband to share this information so willy-nilly with so many people. It's genuinely made me irate just reading about it. I think I would be shaving-my-head-like-Britney angry about it. I'm incensed on your behalf. However you're feeling please know that you're not alone and your emotions are valid. I wish I could give you a hug IRL as being a race survivor is so awfully isolating. Lots of love and strength to you

I think joint counselling would be helpful regardless of if the marriage ends or not tbh

I don't. I think if the OP wants it then that's up to her. I do agree that whether or not to give the marriage another chance is totally up to her and is not a decision she needs to or should take in haste. My concern is that her husband has lied and lied to her over years and betrayed her to the point where IMO it was abusive. Why would he be able to be honest now? and why would she believe him?

Please don’t see B. Could you speak to a rape counsellor? I think you need someone you trust but who is knowledgeable to give you an outside perspective.

Would you see B if he’d raped you? Because he sort of did.

What he said about how in University he learned that, after rape, sometimes women enjoy sex more because of control…..
that is rape apologist rubbish. He is either deliberately twisting
facts or misunderstanding them because of his own very sick mind. I would just stay away from the toxic monster.

Your husband is sick in the head! Please leave him asap!!!!

I’m sorry but your husband is clearly the issue here,

The issues need separating. The DH made a terrible mistake.

B is a monster, behaved utterly sexually abusively to OP, and is now somehow dragging OP back in his orbit. That is what is a mountain sized issue. Don’t let DH’s cras stupidity overshadow that.

I think the joint counselling would give her the opportunity to really explore the betrayal in a neutral space and where he will also have to face his actions. That could be helpful for co parenting going forward or trying to repair the marriage but he has a lot of work to do and OP may decide his betrayal has just been too great

Just chiming in to add to the chorus: WTAF is wrong with your DH? This is NOT OK. And the response of his 'friends' is creepy as fuck. Don't let them invalidate your feelings. YOU are right. They are.. wierd and creepy.