DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

sorry I misunderstood you. I still think its a terrible idea. It doesn't address any of the underlying shit and gives moronic husband an out.

That ok..as I said he could've shut down tasteless jokes easily without revealing op ordeal fast forward to the bar situation friend of his asking about it the asked if she sexually satisfied Dh the cunt was getting off on it
The men were going to have pow wow to discuss the friend upsetting the op
Absolute fucking maggots.

Hi, I haven't read all the replies but thank you for the support.

Sorry, for the poster who said I haven't been back, I was at after school thing with my eldest. And then I was so tired.

So B left the group chat. Read the message and didn't say a word.. not to DH or me or anyone. As far as I'm aware. 2 friends called DH sounding very sheepish. The meeting is off.

Unfortunately, I discovered DH has told his boss about the assault and chronic pain conditions so he could get off early should I 'need' him. It was 'for my benefit'. I've no idea what else he's been saying.

When I said I was upset with him in the evening. He said I wouldn't understand because I've only worked for 3 months in my life (because of the assault and difficulties), he said some horrible things. That I'm mental etc.

He knows I've never worked full time because I had anorexia for 12 years, recovered and had the kids. He seemed to forget I am the mother of his two children who I've raised at home so he can work.

He's apologized because I packed his stuff.
Refused to leave.
Said it was heat in the moment.
Said I'm his best friend. All these lovely lovely things. We're a team. He doesn't deserve me etc

But, I genuinely don't think he understands how hurtful it is to share such information about someone.

I told him:
He can think he was protecting me. Protecting his job. Himself. His friends.
That can be true in his eyes .
But, he can also be damaging me
And our marriage in the process... Both things can be true.

I suggested couples therapy yesterday night but he said we don't need it and he won't attend because we're fine.

I'm so tired of explaining to these men why all these things are SO wrong and fighting my case
It's exhausting.

I'm lost. I'm so gutted, I can't think straight.

He's very lovely this morning though, coffee in bed blah blah. But I feel numb.

Maybe this should be moved or something because it's not really AIBU anymore I'm sorry

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

it’s awful for DH to turn on you like that 🩷

Well he has shown you what he deep down thinks of you.

Bet what he says to his friends is bad as well. How he has to do everything support the whole
house but your incapable of working more than 3 months in your life.

Arsehole of a man.

Take your time to process all this. You don’t have to make a rushed decision. At least the stupid meeting is off. What a time to throw your not having worked for a while at you. 🤯

He has shown you his true colours. The only question is whether you can move on emotionally from this betrayal. I suspect you will forever see him differently.

I'm so sorry OP, sending you a huge hug and support 💐

I’m so sorry to read all of this OP, I’m glad you sent a group message. It’s your story to tell, not anyone else’s.
I hope you have good friends and family to support you xx

So common on here to read of a DH who refuses to go to couples therapy because "we're fine", as if they were the sole arbiter of what's fine and what isn't. That said, there's no way I'd do therapy sessions with a man who's already blabbed my most private and painful experiences to all and sundry.

I don't see the level of contrition here that his actions warrant imo. So at least he's shown you who he is, scant consolation, I realise.

Don't give him the option not to leave, when he goes out call a locksmith and get the locks changed, if he kicks up say you will get a restraining order because he is destroying your mental health (you would get one with no problems). You need space to think without him in it- what he has done is totally unacceptable, and he kept doing it even after he was found out,he made ridiculous excuses- he is not worthy of your (or anyone's ) trust.

Oh op he's not your best friend(his words)
We're fine(his words)
Using your trauma to scoot out of work early.
Him saying he doesn't deserve you,well that's never a truer word spoken.
All the lovey dove shit now is exactly that..shit.

I hope you have real life support.
I don't think couple counselling would be any use even if he was willing to go.

I would ask to move this to relationships or start a new thread there, as it's a lot more nuanced than your original post now. I would be so disappointed in your DH. Clear he doesn't get it, may not be capable of getting it, or if he is (worse), doesn't think he needs to put effort into understanding you.

Now to minimise the work you do with your children!

OP please don't apologise to us, you've gotten nothing to apologise for.

Have you got any real life support? Maybe someone from the MH side? Your GP? If you feel you could confide in a good friend? It's a lot for you to deal with and I'm worried that your husband said lots of horrible things last night, refused to leave when asked and is now trying to win you over like nothing's hapenned.

It sounds to me that B was getting off on what happened to you and wanted all the details, what a creep stay well away from him x

Yes, I will maybe start a new thread. I don't know yet.

Thank you all.
💐

@Anon8761, what a horrible, emotionally abusive man he is! I’m so sorry he’s done this to you after all you’ve been through already. You deserve so much better.

OP I am so sorry for the situation you are in but...well.....now you know. I mean what he has said and done is straight out of the Gaslighter's Playbook. I agree about asking this to be moved, not because its no longer an aibu but because you will get better support and advice elsewhere on Mumsnet.

You've 27 pages of people to call on if needed.
All in your own time if at all 💐

Do you have someone in real life that you can talk you, friends/family/support services?
🌺

Hi OP. I’m not sure why you felt he should be looking out for you that night, but he was 100% out of order for asking intrusive questions and making you feel so uncomfortable.
And it shouldn’t have come up in conversation with your husband and his mates either.

I think it’s disgusting that your husband continues to make excuses and lashes out at you because he has been caught doing something hurtful. To call you crazy is really low. I can’t see why he would refuse couples therapy… if that’s the only
way to rebuild trust he should be leaping at the chance.

It seems he’s happy to act your protector and then turn around and swipe at you himself.

B is undoubtedly awful and your husband had betrayed your confidence completely.

Just as a side note. I manage a team of people and some of my team have confided some immensely private things about themselves and their partners and children because I guess it does help the employer/employee relationship if they need time off at short notice or shift changes etc. Once you know roughly what someone is dealing with at home, they don’t keep having to repeat or discuss it.

Im not saying that your husband was right to share this info at all. In fact he has almost definitely over shared to his boss but there may have been an element of truth to what he said there if (and only if) you have required him to have emergency leave or significant flexibility due to your struggles.

because the "protector" thing is all a big fat lie.....maybe it always was.....

That’s not great advice. If he owns the house too she can’t legally lock him out. A non molestation order is unlikely too. Sadly, for psychological harm, the legal threshold is very very high.

I share your anger on her behalf but she shouldn’t take those steps.

OP, this is about what you feel, he does not get to have an opinion anymore, he has given up that right. Ask him to leave to give you time to think, if he refuses it shows he thinks he has done no wrong. TBH he doesn't see any wrong in telling the world, can you accept him doing that ? Just take time.