DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

@Anon8761 I didn't want to read and run. I just wanted say I'm sorry! What an awful shock, realising your DH isn't the man you thought. I applaud you for seeking therapy to help you and I hope you find peace again.

I'm sorry, men are pathetic. I'm so sorry for the pain you have suffered.

Please don't ever apologise for not coming back to the thread. There will always be support here if you need it. You are very strong.

I’ve had a group of friends and when 2 fell out yes it was awkward
I’m not 100% sure the discussion is actually about op or what happened to her
more about the friends who aren’t involved deal with the outfall when 2 of the group want nothing to do with each other
they haven’t fallen out with anyone and won’t want to get involved but also don’t want to be sat in silence when op and the other guy are at the same night out
so looking for a way forward wether it’s alternative weeks or one of them leaves the group

I think your husband told so many people as he gets a kind of "sympathy by association" type of thing. He tells someone, they say oh how awful etc and he gets some kind of validation. It's also maybe his "get out of jail free" card. His boss is getting on to him for his work for example so he tells his boss saying he's dealing with other things etc.

If he has any friends who you're close with or your MIL if you're close I'd ask them under what circumstances he told them. Was he struggling with emotions and told them or did he tell them out of the blue?

OP, I think you are an absolutely incredible woman. I case you read this, 2 things: 1) echo what others have said about in person support and taking your time with any decisions etc - follow your own path 2) in case your husband makes you feel that your limited experience of paid work means his boss needs to know about the trauma perpetuatated on you in case he needs to get off worl early- the boss ABSOLUTELY would not need to know. Your husband could have very easily left it at 'chronic pain' or somesuch.

OP I haven’t got time to write much but this is a big shock. Don’t take it lightly. It’s a betrayal of trust that will rock you. You are strong. You have been through and survived so much already.

The most important thing right now is to look after your physical body so your brain and body can start to process and heal. Talk to your most trusted person. Use all of the skills you have learned during your recovery to take care of your emotional and psychological wellbeing. You will be very skilled at this by now so draw on that.

Look after yourself. We are here. Shoulder to shoulder. We are your secret army of supporters.

I put a few AIBU on here and it has helped me to come out of what I now see was an abusive marriage. It’s quite a shock when you get the feedback that not only are you not BU, but what the other person is doing is worse than just unreasonable. It takes time to get your head around it.

Take your time and be kind to yourself.

Sending you love and strength.

I feel very sad to read your update, DAVRO technique to leave you feeling confused and unsure.

You are not ‘mental’
You have recovered from such an ordeal and an eating disorder
You have raised two children

You do not need to prove your capacity to him, but the back lash you are experiencing now, and his refusal to leave and offer you space is really serious.

I would encourage you to get some support in real life op. You have so much to process, to consider and this should not be rushed.

I can’t think why your dh hasn’t profusely apologised, given you some reassurance and decided to give his friends a wide berth. His refusal to join you for counselling shows he is making this your problem. I am sorry it has come to this. He needs to stay with his mother for a few days, whilst you think about how to best proceed. I would probably call my MIL in your position and my own family. Sending you hugs op.

Let’s hope he’s lashing out because he knows he has really really screwed up and feels ashamed. Alternatively he is a massive shit /communal narcissist as PPs have suggested.

You’ve had so much to deal with, you must be so strong and resilient to keep going

So very sorry to read your update. I suspect your husband deep down has resented you not working and had painted himself as a bit of a saviour who might need to leave early to protect the little woman.
Don’t feel that you need to justify anything. His behaviour has been despicable and he knows it.
Keep away from the group. If you know the wives, you could send them a group message briefly stating what’s happened and how traumatised they have made you feel, and warning against B…. But you really don’t need to do anything.
How do you really feel about DH today? Do you still want to spend the rest of your life with this man? If you do…then you need some hard talking, and he does need to agree to couples counselling. But if you don’t, then you need to tell him frankly that the marriage is over. I would also try and speak to a women’s aid group if possible.
Finally, keep this thread. It documents very clearly what happened and it may be useful to refer to in the future.

And….. please know you are not alone. We’ve all got your back and are here to listen and support you. Feel free to off load whenever you need to. Sending you a massive virtual hug xx

Unless you've had episodes of being unwell due to your assault trauma or your eating disorder where he's had rush home at a moment's notice, your DH is talking out of his arse that in workplaces you have to share private details about your spouse with your boss as a "heads up". He's just gossiping.

I've also lived with an eating disorder for decades and if my DH called me mental, I'd show him the door regardless of what's going on with B and the rest of his mates.

Sadly I think he's shown his true colours here.

How you process that, I'm not sure, but I wish you the very best OP. You've survived far worse than this, and come out the other side. Remember that

Just to warn you he has basically painted you as unstable to the very same people, so ensure you are the epitome of cool, calm and collected when you are dealing with any of them moving forward to discredit his narrative. I don’t think I could forgive him for this treacherous betrayal. It’s one thing sharing your personal information without consent (bad enough) but to paint you as unhinged and to call you mental is quite another.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, both b and dh being an utter shithead.

as others have said, you are strong and it’s horrific he called you mental, the swinging between “we’re a team” and “you are mental” is really showing his colours and as @SummerPeonies2026 says I would be very dubious as to why he is wanting to paint this picture to so many people.

I'm so tired of explaining to these men why all these things are SO wrong and fighting my case. It's exhausting.

Aw poor lamb DH, it must be so confusing for him. Here's a simple check he can do, going forward:

Would he do (whatever words or actions he's contemplating) if you were stood there right infront of him?

✅ Yes: fine, go ahead
❎ No: don't do it

But here's the thing. He doesn't need to check in with himself. He already knows, just as we all already know thanks to that marvellous aspect of our psyche that's running non-stop in order to do this specific job on autopilot for us. It already knows and it informs us without any need to check in: the CONSCIENCE.

You don't need to explain. He knows. Absolutely he knows. He's just denying that he knows. How is it clear that he knows? Because he didn't tell you at the time. So instead you've found out the truly horrific hard way.

Don't run yourself ragged trying to educate anyone who clearly already knows. They're just feigning ignorance. Which is just continuation of deceit. A further deceit.

Flip side: we've all made mistakes. And few put their hands up to that. Most will certainly at some point (even as adults) have hidden behind exactly the same kind of weak denial when we've acted against our conscience. So the key is to take it to the root: What was the core motivation beneath the action?

In your DH's case it seems the motivation wasn't to hurt you but to help you. Clumsy and abhorrently privacy invading and frankly effing idiotic as he has been, his motivation came from a place of good. He's being honest.

They are all creepy as fuck. some weird boys club with you unknowingly at the centre.

The betrayal from your Dh is huge. Both the sharing of your trauma and how he’s responded since his dickhead friend behaved so awfully.

I’m so sorry op.

Are you still in therapy? If not it may be worth revisiting to process this ‘situation’.
I went back to my EDMR therapist after something related to the original trauma (she does other therapies on top of the EMDR and I felt safe with her). I found it a helpful way to process and to protect myself.

I'm lost. I'm so gutted, I can't think straight.
He's very lovely this morning though, coffee in bed blah blah. But I feel numb.

I'm so sorry. He's now manipulating you. Gaslighting you. God what an awful man. He called you "mental"? That would be it for me.

Just seen your latest.
You are so brave. Well done. You have absolutely not let this or anything else define you. You are an inspiration for us and for your kids - espiecially your daughter.
It might feel insurmountable right now but you have got this. You are going to get through this whatever you decide to do and you will be stronger for it for you. Not for anyone else.
You know you are right. If you can a second support thread might be a good idea just to move the replies from answering the original question to helping you move forward.

Your dynamic with DH sounds like he is the Boss and your boundaries aren’t important in his eyes. From the start his comment alluding to B being someone who will protect you in the bar was gross and it’s got a whole lot worse since then.

He shares your secrets.
he refuses to leave when you tell him.
he won’t bother with counselling even when you’re on the verge of kicking him out.
he doesn’t see that you need to be part of a meeting where a group of men gather to discuss whether you have reacted correctly to this situation.

OP you are incredibly strong but i don’t think he can see that in you. He infantilises you. Perhaps there have been times this dynamic has worked for you (?) but, also, perhaps now it isn’t.

Does he see you as an equal partner? his comment about how you don’t understand because you don’t work is absurd. You are talking to a message board full of women who have careers and know that is bollocks.

You deserve better than this manipulative man who seems to think he is above you.

DH doesn't sound like your best friend. He sounds quite the reverse. The fact that he is telling you that everything is fine is almost as bad as the rest combined.
Is he stupid, is he blind, or he is controlling? Absolutely lacking in self awareness?
Counselling might work for you, OP, although with a man like that you will struggle as he also sounds manipulative. Take your time. Nothing needs to be decided today or tomorrow.
Shocking story all around and MN has been hopping with them this week!

When I said I was upset with him in the evening. He said I wouldn't understand because I've only worked for 3 months in my life (because of the assault and difficulties), he said some horrible things. That I'm mental etc.

It would be difficult to come back from most of the stuff that has gone on. Difficult but possible.

That I'm mental etc.
^ That isn't.

I am so so sorry.
This thread is so upsetting.
You poor poor pet.

Please reach out to Rape crisis and Women's aid.

Your husband is abusive scum.
You need protecting from him.

I really think you need support.
Just when you think men on MN cannot get much worse, you read this.

Op this is awful and I’m sorry. I’ve had emdr etc myself and I’ve never had to tell my boss about it or why. Your awful husband I think is controlling and abusive and you were picked precisely because of your past. How much easier it is to play big manly man and get sympathy or allowances from all and sundry with this crazy unstable wife in tow - but I can’t leave her because it’s not her fault. Pity me, look after me, look past my faults and issues because I’m trying my bestest to support this broken doll. Perfect set up for an abusive, controlling dickhead. Have you got any of your own family or friends to get support from irl? You need someone on your side that isn’t buying this narrative he’s been peddling.

I couldn't stay married to someone who called me "mental".

So not only has your ‘D’H been an absolute blabbermouth to all and sundry but he’s now calling you mental and criticising you for not working? Fuck me!
Telling everyone that stood still long enough to listen was bloody awful but his behaviour since is appalling! How can you ever look at him in the same light again?

I don’t agree that OP’s H was trying to help her. I think he blabbed to various people for selfish reasons. Who knows what they all were, but extra time off work, attention, being seen as some kind of “hero” and portraying OP as an unstable person whose wishes could be dismissed may all have been amongst his aims.

I said in an earlier post that OP’s H sounds worse with every update and sadly that trend is continuing.

OP, I really hope you can get away from him and his vile friends. He has betrayed you badly, yet he is minimising his actions and ignoring your wishes.