DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

Long term, I’d be seriously reconsidering my marriage and looking at my options to split if I were you.
Your husband doesn’t have your back, if he did he wouldn’t have told them in the first place and he definitely wouldn’t be doing anything except telling all his friends B was wrong and cutting him off altogether, whether that cost him some friends or not.
Why would he want someone like that around?

Short term, I’m not sure what the answer is but I’d give some thought into getting away by yourself/with dc for a few days. Give yourself time to breathe and let your H really think about what his awful friends may cost him.

Im not sure about his friends but I would definitely be tempted to send a message to all of them making it clear your H told them without your knowledge or consent, that they have no business discussing it and given their priority seems to be making sure B is forgiven, none of them are welcome around you or your dc again so they don’t have to worry about you, the victim in their wrongdoing, making them uncomfortable (can’t actually believe any of them were stupid enough to say that tbh).

I think at this point you have very little to lose. You no longer want these men around you, your DH is going to do whatever he wants regardless and all you can do now if protect yourself however you can.

And for you that you’ve had to experience the many ways men can be shit. Sorry OP

I would ask my DH what he got out of telling his fellow cult members your awful story.
He has betrayed you and you should end your marriage as you will never forgive him.
He is worse than B to be honest as its seems it was no skin of any of thier backs to talk about you and your DH didn't have your back. Tell him to fuck too his friends and change the locks or move out. It must have taken a lot to have trusted him after your terrible experience and he has stabbed you whole heartedly in the back. Evil disgusting man. It does make you wonder if he told people so he would look good as the man who saved the poor broken girl. Bastard.

I agree , sounds weird a group of men getting together for ‘discussions’ ,
very ‘masonic’ and old boys club . What does your husband get out of this , you should come before any of his friends. You’re his partner ffs !

At worst he will embellish his fantasy watching you distressed. Don’t go near this virtual rapist.

Your husband and his inner circle of perverts and sleazy gossips have been exposed and now your husband 'doesn't want an argument'??

I don't know how I'd come back from this massive betrayal of trust. You know now that what you talk to your husband about. Your secretes, your trauma, anything personal, has been gossiped about and on many occasions clearly. It's definitely been used as wank fodder too because they are all shitty people.

Your husband can't put this cat back in the bag. He has fucked up and hes been exposed as a gossip by his slimy sleazy rapey friend who actually made you feel violated all over again.
You haven't even told your own friends many of the things he's told his! They've all found it salacious and exciting and don't give a fuck about you either for what happened then, nor for how you feel now.

I'd be going nuclear and I'd be telling him that he cannot undo what he's done, but he's currently making it fucking worse and worse, and it's been a real eye opener in a bad way.

I'd consider it marriage ending actually.
He seems more bothered about his mates.

I thankfully didn't read the reply that was deleted but at the time B was talking I kept trying to move the conversation on, I went outside and my friends said the 'does he satisfy you' comment was inappropriate etc, I went back inside to try and salvage my night. It took so much to even go into this bar, to order a drink! I don't know, I wnated to just ignore him/it/the conversation. But it kept being brought up till he left. He kept saying he'd studied in university about how after trauma you can enjoy certain things because you have control etc.
And then I left, and sort of collapsed at home. It's very hard to stand up to a 6ft man while he's discussing my rape, in a bar. It's hard because it's scary and triggering for a multitude of reasons.
Also, he'd had 2 beers. But continued to drink. I don't believe alcohol is any excuse.

Anyway, B has said he wants to meet in a neutral coffee shop or a pub with us ALL to discuss
But has said
'what happened at the social?' so seems to be saying he's no idea.

I plan on asking DH who he has told and what's been said at 2 when he is home.

I've spoken to a friend this morning, although I didn't mention the rape because she doesn't know. She said based alone on the sexual comments he's a weirdo.

I imagine MIL does know. God knows who else. Probably DH boss at work.

If they are hell bent on this meeting, I WILL be there. I'm not having this B re write the story or keep up the 'i can't remember'. I was texting DH at the time, while B was saying these things so essentially I can prove it. Along with the friends who heard and checked in afterwards. So called 'friends'.

I agree that the boys possy want to meet because they're so concerned about them. That's it.

Your partner made a big mistake but perhaps out of ignorance more than bad intentions. Some of his misguided friends are probably in a similar headspace. B however is a sexual predator, you have enough information to know that for sure.

With my own healing, I have come to realise that I found various responses to the aftermath of my rape even more traumatising than the event itself. Ditto the persistent - possibly even growing? - misogyny in our society as it simultaneously pats itself on the back for it's so called progressiveness.

(EMDR really is great though).

I think if I were in your position I'd write an email about all of this to your husband and the friend group (not B as he'd probably get off on it). I'd try and write from the stance of believing they are good people, who abhor rape. Obviously they are blinkered by their own male privilege / misogynist world, but I'd try not to be accusatory, as that just induces defensiveness. I'd write in the real genuine hope of deepening their understanding of women's experiences. Then I'd take this to my therapist and maybe a couple of close friends and think about whether I really wanted to send it.

If I did send the email, it would then be up to each of those men, and your husband, how to proceed. Whether they are open to becoming less misogynist, or not.

It is of course not your responsibility to do any of this. You're totally not unreasonable to tell them all to get to fuck.

‘In a neutral coffee shop or pub’? So the man who turned your rape into his sexual fantasy in a pub in front of people you hadn’t told can make your trauma a public event all over again? Or in the hope that you ‘won’t make a fuss’ if it’s in public or there’s the fear of being overheard if you raise your voice?

Ask him if he’d like to discuss his response to being drugged and violently anally raped, and someone else asking for details because that’s the kind of thing they like, in a pub or neutral coffee shop?

I’m finding it very sad how many women have been through horrific experiences themselves.

I never told anyone until my husband and only my husband 30 years after the event (my first boyfriend so it took a while for me to acknowledge it was rape). I know he will take that to the grave unless I say I want to tell people. He knows it’s not his trauma to tell.

I would wonder if your husband is trying to come across as “your saviour” to all his friends and that is partly why he has told people. As others say it wouldn’t surprise me if it is only his friends he’s told.

Op the boy’s possy do not, and will never come before you and your safety.

Unless your dh comes home with real conviction that he will not stand by and allow these predatory men anymore oxygen - and will stop this immediately. No meeting or otherwise should be happening at your expense. I really don’t think you can trust him at all to have your back or otherwise.

He has already let you down so badly, he has exposed and put you at risk with B - and he seems to be wobbling as to where his true loyalties lie. This is simply not acceptable.

I think OP has essentially become entangled with a fairly standard group of misogynistic, disrespectful men. They joke about rape and demean women. When they did this in OP's home, the H was worried OP would find out how they talk about women, so he told them OP's private trauma history to get them to quieten down on his own turf. I suspect the H likes to portray himself as OP's protector and has told all and sundry about the rape in order to polish his knight in shining armour look. It was beyond inappropriate of him to ask friend B to sub for him as a protector on the night out. Friend B is sexually predatory and has a rape fetish. Now all the blokes in this pathetic bunch are worried that they will lose their carvery/sex talk/misogyny session and want to have a meeting to get back on track. They will say the OP got the wrong end of the stick about friend B because of her trauma history. They will all agree that none of them did anything wrong and they should continue as normal, happy in the knowledge that they are all great blokes and shouldn't let a woman come between them.

OP, you need to consider whether this is who your H is and the scales have just fallen from your eyes, or whether he is better than this and has let himself (and you) down. I would say very little and watch what he does very carefully. If it's as per my prediction, plan your exit. He is not a good man.

I was texting DH at the time, while B was saying these things so essentially I can prove it.

How did your DH respond at the time? I'm stunned he didn't come and drag you out of there and/or flatten B.

I’ve lived in small (weird) communities and worked in male dominated environments- often it’s a case of, ‘oh that’s just X’ and if pressed the group may agree it’s not right really, but the priority is maintaining the particular group, so somehow or another the behaviour is overlooked/excused. I’m talking about massively inappropriate behaviour here. I find it baffling and revolting but it happens and I feel this is what the ‘inner circle’ Will be hoping for with B.

I doubt it’s the first time he’s stepped out of line - or something similar has happened within the group - I think these meetings/intervention type things will have happened previously tbh - doesn’t seem a big surprise to your DH that they're having one.

The ‘inner circle’ is who he turns to and trusts - guess many of them do - I think the trust is misplaced though as evidenced by it being more or less ok that B does this - which is massively inappropriate behaviour in any circumstances and he must have shown signs of this type of thing before. I don’t think drunk would excuse it btw - I definitely believe in drunk actions arising from sober thoughts - but it may work as an excuse to not blow up the great ‘circle’.

I hear you want to go - I’m not sure the ‘circle’ would fully hear what you say though. They sound like they’re stuck 30 years ago with the mention they’d be ‘scared’. Has B apologised at all to your DH or any of them? What are the circle saying to him at this point?

Personally, your DH should have your back, not associate with B ever again - he must know he’s an absolute predator already tbh but now is the time to man up about it.

If you must go, then you must - be well prepared and be kind to yourself 💗

This, although I think that B may be expected to give a mealy-mouthed apology to OP for upsetting her “even though he didn’t mean to”. OP will be expected to graciously accept this “apology” and move on, or they will imply that she’s being difficult. No way would I go along with this!

That’s one way of looking at it but there are worse interpretations.

We only have his word for it on the context in which he told his mates. There would be no reason to being OP into that conversation. I highly suspect it’s bollocks.

This. Also, it’s not hard to imagine what might have happened if the OP hadn’t been surrounded by a group of friends in the pub. B getting increasingly intrusive with the ‘Tell me the sexy details of your rape’ thing (because he clearly sees this as some kind of porno spitroast, which I think is the single most disturbing bit of all of this — how normalised rape porn has become), and then getting handsy on an OP increasingly frozen in shock? Her husband’s judgement is so poor that he actually sent in a sexual predator who likes rape porn to be his rape survivor wife’s ‘protector’ in a pub.

Nothing good would come from either you or DH attending such a meeting OP.
DH needs to refuse to attend, and refuse to attend future events with B.
B wiill lie. You will be seen as a hysterical female. B would enjoy this.
You can't reason with men like this.
My marriage would be over if DH attended this meeting.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I would be extremely hurt if my husband the person I trusted with such information had told others who also may then have told their wife’s/partners. For me I would be evaluating the whole relationship and would seriously be considering leaving.
Thats me and I understand not everyone would feel the same. But once the trust is gone it’s gone.

Please don’t go to the meeting, OP. Of course none of this is in any way your fault, but it will be another horrible experience which relives your awful trauma. Don’t put yourself through it. I know you don’t want B to be allowed free rein to give his side of the story, but honestly I think whatever happens at this meeting, it’s too late. What you’ve now found out about your husband’s behaviour and disloyalty is, I would suggest, marriage ending.
A PP suggested that he seems more worried about the feelings of his friend group than you, and I agree. There’s no need whatsoever for any meeting - the right course of action is for your husband to firmly inform the entire group by text that he doesn’t intend to speak to B or be in his company ever again, and if anyone has a problem with that they will be included with B.
He then needs to tell you how wrongly he has behaved and ask you how he can salvage your marriage, if that is even possible.

I can absolutely understand that if the meeting goes ahead you want to be there. I would too. But I agree with pp that these men won’t be able to hear you. It’s your DH that is responsible here. He needs to tell them all to back off this. I also can understand how traumatic this is and how years later it can floor you. I had a panic attack in a restaurant in Bulgaria on my own (which was itself pretty terrifying) just because I was on my phone and idly read a MN thread which contained an account where the circumstances turned out to be similar to my own. That was 16 years later.

You are amazing. Truly. What a woman. 💪

And these men, including your husband, are weak and pathetic. Scared they might feel uncomfortable!!! After what you have been through and endured. They are by far the weaker sex! Pathetic specimens.

If they have the meeting and you go, can you take a good friend who knows what you have experienced? Someone who will understand. My worry is that it will be triggering and whilst you sound super strong, I wonder what the survival systems in your body will do and it might be quite powerful. You’ll need to think quite carefully about how you protect your peace in all of this.

This is exactly it.

Its an uncomfortable truth.

They sound like children who dont want a mirror held up to their actions and views - its pathetic

Yeah I know but thinking that your husband gets off on your trauma while discussing with his mates (who may well also be getting off) doesn’t bear thinking about. Especially when he said he told them when OP was in the same house upstairs.

I’m so so sorry @Anon8761 for everything you’ve been through and by the fact you’re having to deal with this.

I’m afraid I couldn’t get past the fact that my husband told his friends. The fact that he is friends with men who make rape jokes - surely he could have shut those down without telling them about your experience? But the fact his friends make rape jokes….

The fact that any friendship with B is to be discussed at all. He’s a disgusting human and I’m afraid your husband by wanting to salvage this friendship does not have your back.

I'm sorry he has let you down so much. Whether this is salvageable is up to you. You are strong and smart - sending you my very best wishes.