DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

B is likely to give a caveated apology along the lines of I am sorry you feel this way, he will minimise and reduce the situation down to make it look like you are overreacting op, because of your history and he was just showing ‘concern’ and ‘support’

He already has the backing of the group, and will enjoy seeing you squirm and suffer at the meeting.

I implore for you and dh not to attend. They can’t negotiate if no one is there. The only way your dh can really repair this is by protecting you fully going forward, he has failed to do this so far, and to eradicate the cancer that is at the heart of his group by refusing to engage with B any more and stepping back from the group. One or two friendships might survive if they approach dh to support him in his position.

Your needs should be your dh’s only priority here.

This with bells on. I'm appalled for you, OP. Sending 💐💐

When you sit your DH down to ask him who else he's told, you might want to find out if he's been discussing your marital sex life with his friends too. The questions B asked you in the pub sound quite specific and were possibly shaped by insider knowledge. I wonder if he was fishing for details to then share with the group and take the piss out of your DH as "bantz". 😒

They all sound – your DH included – like completely disgusting men.

Rape Bantz used to be pretty standard in media and social media before MeToo. It hasn’t gone away, just pushed out to the darker fringes of the manosphere. I’d bet at least B is a consumer of that kind of content.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/01/31/unilad-magazine-forced-to-pull-surprise-rape-article-after-twitter-backlash_n_1244173.html

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It must feel like you're being violated all over again. B obviously has serious issues and you're absolutely right in not wanting him anywhere near you or your family.
For me though, I think the serious issue here is your OH. Not only has he not got your back both when he violated your privacy, but also now when he's not shutting down any discussions about what's happened. Those conversations should be brought to an abrupt halt with 'B has acted like an asshat. My wife's private past is non of your business and this is the line in the sand'. You shouldn't feel the need to meet these people and 'defend' your corner. The shame isn't yours. It's there's for acting like voyeurs to your pain and trauma. Disgusting behaviour.
Following on from that, I would also seriously question your husband's motives. What does he get from telling everyone, apart from being the centre of attention? As bad as B's and the rest of the gaggles behaviour has been, this is the part that worries me the most out of everything. At the very least he hasn't got your back, at the worst there's a potential perversion element to it. It would seriously make me see him with new eyes.
To me, it seems very strange men would discuss something like this as a group? 1:1 maybe, but a larger group? Is meeting up to discuss how to keep their friendship normal male behaviour? Men, whose normal display of emotion is a grunt, head nod or, if things are very bad, a tap on the shoulder?
I would be questioning everything right now. No wonder you're confused and upset. It must feel like you've had the rug pulled out from under you.

I am so sorry you’ve been through this. It’s not you they should be discussing, if anyone, it’s B and his behaviour. He’s a standout creep, and they know it.

I can't believe your dh is willing to salvage the relationship with B. Imo there is nothing to have a meeting about.

Like others have said, there should be no meeting, full stop. What this disgusting pervert B said is unforgivable. The rest is none of the groups business. They are seriously overstepping.

I'm absolutely horrified, OP. I couldn't stay with my husband if he'd done this - it's unforgiveable. I wouldn't want to go anywhere near any of his friends, either. They are horrific and to be honest I'm getting vibes of Gisele Pelicot's husband and those other rapists.

OP, both you and your husband should walk away from these people and stop any discussions about this with them now, because it sounds like B is either going to deny it or downplay it (predictably for such scum) which will re-traumatise you yet again on so many levels in the worst way possible for a victim of SA and give this 'group' more drama to feed off....you've come so far and been so strong, and you need to protect that at all costs.

The DH is getting so much flack on here...I'm not saying he shouldn't, he sounds weak and quite pathetic but I do think he tried to protect you in the first instance and then has given in to peer pressure (pathetically) almost like a teenage girl - but it seems to be taking the focus away from B and his actions and he'll only welcome this. Deal with your DH separately and not as part of some group thing...your privacy has already been violated enough.

No meeting.
The pervert B does not get the opportunity to humiliate op for the second time.

I am furious on OP’s behalf.

How do you ‘protect’ someone by divulging a traumatic secret that leaves them open to gossip and antagonsim?

I just can't believe what I am reading, rarely has a thread made me so angry.
I would not want that man/husbsnd to be someone my children looked up too. He is a disgusting man.

Exactly. He could've just shut down any rape talk saying it was inappropriate with his wife and kids sleeping upstairs. That's ALL he needed to say. He didn't have to share what his poor wife had been through. He's just as bad as B.

I've written them a long message. Added all in a group chat.
End of..that's it.

I'm not saying another word.

Now I'll deal with my DH.

B has said he wants to meet in a neutral coffee shop or a pub with us ALL to discuss

B wants?! Wtf. So B is dictating the terms and location of the grand gathering now. It's rapidly gone from shitweaseling his way back in to controlling the entire frame. Seriously: NO. This meeting has already veered way off course and it hasn't even happened yet.

But has said 'what happened at the social?' so seems to be saying he's no idea.

As if he can't remember. So he started in on you when he was two pints in? Which is next to nothing for the metabolism of a 6ft man. Even on the occasions someone gets so pissed they blackout and can't remember events, they still remember the evening up until that point. Though I doubt he got anywhere near black out drunk, as conversation becomes unintelligible at that point and it sounds like he spent his whole evening interrogating you, so this wasn't just a flippant comment he can brush off as having been pissed and then forgotten it. The manipulative zero-integrity scumbag is already lying through his teeth. I knew he would & said so way up thread.

Please, please, please have no part in this. From the way B is dictating terms I'm getting the vibe he's the ringleader of the whole pathetic pack, he'll lie and/or minimise and they'll all fall in line - not that they have far to fall given their general conversation involves rape 'jokes' and sex and they can't bear to not hang out with their vile rapey mate. Lying manipulative scumbags do enjoy playing the prove it game when they think you can't.

The dynamics of this situation would be traumatising even if it wasn't about such a deeply personal and private matter. Getting into he said she said with the absolute POS over matters that should never have been discussed with him (or any of them) in the first place is a whole other level, and all while his kangaroo-court of fools are there rooting for him and undermining you so they can hold on to their beloved King Rat, and the general public in the cafe have no choice than to watch the horrorshow because it's not going to be a hush little chat for long given his denials. Please do not give that vile scumbag any further leeway to dent your dignity.

I had sympathy for your DH earlier on but that has completely gone because he is up for this whole discussion nonsense with B. There's nothing further to discuss! B said what he said and has indisputably shown how absolutely vile he is.

What a horrible thing to happen; especially with someone you mistaken thought that you would be safe with. Regardless of whether they have their meeting to discuss what happened and how THEY feel about it, I would be making it clear to my husband that this friend is no friend of yours from now on and will never be welcome in your home again.

I agree.

good for you!

Well done. Stay strong. 💪 You are amazing.

You're bossing this OP. You shouldn't be having to deal with ANY of this, but you are doing a super job in all this taking care of you, the most important person!

Well done for taking control of the situation and dealing with it on YOUR terms, not what they wanted. You should never have been put in such a shitty position though, and your DH has some serious grovelling and trust-building to do.

I'm very anxious now. I'm not a confrontational person. I'm worried about checking my phone. Or if DH now suddenly hates me.

Trying to remind myself if this were my daughter, I'd want her to do the same.

Be prepared op.

For a group like this, the response might be to dh

’Whats going on with your Mrs’

Not the empathetic/outrage/support most of us would hope for - potentially.

None of them are entitled to your silence for their comfort.

Why would dh ‘hate’ you?
Are his friend’s feelings more important than yours?

The fact you don’t know for sure he will have your back in all of this, is increasingly looking like a dh problem.