DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

What the actual fuck was your 'd'h doing discussing this with his mates? You simply say the discussion is distasteful, shut the heck up, it's disrespectful to be making 'jokes' in such poor taste, he certainly didn't need to mention your personal history, how dare he?! I'd be more furious with that than anything else. B can get to fuck, he's a disgusting piece of work asking questions re your sex life, what kind of weirdo does that?

Your dh should be trying to rebuild trust with you and writing friend b off as a weirdo forever. Anything else would be unacceptable to me.

Your husband is a Judas. A vile man who has made your trauma about himself. There should be no meeting, these mem are not councillors, doctors, or phyciatrists, they are just a group of nosey men who need to keep their ignorant mouths shut.

Your husband is another matter, this has occured because he has made your trauma about himself and I suspect played for sympathy with his group of mates.

I personally could not get past this, and I would think of leaving your husband as I find his actions weak and pathetic.

B is just a disgusting pervert. You say he hits on married women and discusses rape and could it be a turn on in a relationship. If these men who want a meeting are still associating with him it shows what they are like. I am disgusted with them all.

I would be horrified if my husband, the one person who is supposed to live and support me and who has all my trust and k owns everything about me even my secrets so bravely decided to share something so personal, so horrific and upsetting with anyone mever
mind discussed it socially in a large group of friends. I would never be able to trust or forgive him again. What a betrayal. How are you not livid with him? How is he even considering trying to h to make up with this person? Person B should be kicked to the curb and your husband swiftly behind him. I’m sorry for the trauma you went through and sorry that your co offence has been so brutally broken.

You shouldn't make any decisions that take THEIR discomfort into account. B should be uncomfortable. He was way out of line in the bar.

It's your choice about whether or not you want to be present. This is your past, this is your present, you get to have some control.

I think your DH is coming from the right place with his approach after this recent incident in the bar but I completely understand why you feel he has betrayed your trust.

I'd guess that his sharing it with friends will have come from a place of wanting to protect you. We don't know in what situation he revealed it. He shouldn't have but from his response to this, I don't think it was in a gossipy way. It could've been a discussion about something in the news and he's snapped, it could've been a "oh God, I'm so worried for... because..." and it all tumbled out. Who knows. He still shouldn't have if you wanted to keep that trauma private.

I think the conversation with DH is separate to this B thing.

I'm assuming alcohol played a part in B's fucking awful performance but that doesn't excuse it at all.

I'm so sorry that your worst experience was pulled through the evening like that and that private information was shared with even more people.

The survival of their friendship is the least important thing here and I'd make it clear with his friend group how hurtful it is that that is their priority here. It's not your responsibility to pull them together again. This B blew up his own life and deserves to have some negative impact on his life.

Hope you are managing to feel a little better OP. So sorry you are having to relive your terrible experience.
There are virtually no words I can find to express my disgust at your H and his friends.
But would say - these friends come first for him .
He and they have no realisation of what you experienced and still feel and HOW IT HAS AFFECTED YOU.
They are all also terrible gossips and love any thing ''sensational'' especially. They are actually out of touch with society's ''norms'' here.
They clearly have too much time on their hands and certainly are not gentlemen - or even ''manly''. I would say this is not what men do - they are more like a bunch of gossipy old women of times gone by..
Your H should break off contact with this group if he values his self respect and his marriage/family.

How your DH behaves now OP would be the make or break for me. And I'm not even sure I could start to forgive his betrayal. He's made the worst event in your life into gossip for a group of men. Who are keen to carry the conversation on.
It beggars belief.

Nice victim-blaming. Fawning is a trauma response just like freeze, fight and flight. You have absolutely no right to criticise the actions of someone who was blindsided by this behaviour.

Stop that victim blaming right now.

Sadly, I think many more people will be aware of your past trauma OP. If your husband has told these friends, then I think it stands to reason your MIL will be aware and possibly any siblings your husband may have. The friends, have likely told their wives/girlfriends and there could be mutual friends that may also be aware. It seems to me that your husband has blabbed to all in sundry.

Your husband doesn't appear to have apologised. He's minimising his behaviour. He's telling lies to get himself out of the shit. He seems to have no real understanding of the magnitude of the betrayal he's caused you. He's supposed to love you and have your back, yet he's chosen to tell people something that's personal to you, thus taking away your right to decide who knows, and then hides the fact he's done so.

I couldn't move past this to be honest. There's no coming back. These friends believe a conversation is all that is required to smooth the situation over, are deluded. I wouldn't want any of these men in my home or in my company again, for minimising B's behaviour, and more importantly neither should your husband.

It's abhorrent, utterly prurient, and 'B' is, I'm afraid, a revolting pervert who gets his kicks out of situations like this. I'm afraid it's no coincidence that your 'D'H told him of your experiences to make him stop talking about something similar - you see the pattern. There are men like this out there. I wouldn't have him in my home or have him anywhere near me again.

Only you know whether this is a dealbreaker, but I would be very unimpressed with my DH divulging information like this about me for whatever reason. I'd experience that as a betrayal.

I have so much empathy with your situation - which is why I've reacted so viscerally to your post. I had a very similar experience - two men, only I was fifteen and there was no spiking involved on that occasion. I have some idea of what you're going through and the protracted harm it does. My situation does also involve child abuse and I have cPTSD, so it took me a good two years of EMDR to unpick the mess. My advice is, do stick with it. It took a long, painful time but the effects have been nothing short of life-changing.

I also hope there's a hot place in hell for the four monsters who did that to you, and to me. Sending much love.

The issue you have here is with your husband OP. He should have never told anyone behind your back.

So now he has to own the consequences. He has to give up the whole group or the door is over there IMO.

A mass fucking meeting indeed. What a bunch of cunts.

Yes I couldn’t forgive him taking the most traumatic experience of your life and effectively making it gossip fodder

has he told you how much detail he’s told them?

I think it’s also worth bearing in mind that there will come a time when your kids will find out and you may want to ensure you are controlling that situation

This isn't salvageble.

If your H told them because they were making inappropriate jokes, that means they were making rape jokes. His excuse that he ' had to tell them your past' means he is claiming these are a group of people who won't care if they are called out on making rape jokes.

B is a pervert who enjoyed the power and control he had in that conversation he had with you.

Your H should never have told them your past.

The friendship group is prioritising maintaining their group over kicking out B who is a pervert, and they are a friendship group who make rape jokes. They sound awful.

Your H should ditch the lot of them, but I doubt he will. They may ditch him as they are seeing him the one as making things awkward ( not B).

All this is a result of your H betraying your confidence in the most appalling way and to an appalling bunch of men. To a bunch of men who think joking about rape is amusing.

I'm sorry OP. All this is so dreadful.

Op will have been blindsided by the unexpected shock of being in that position. Shocked and triggered, no doubt she will have frozen and not able to fully process what was happening. This is entirely normal and to be expected. It’s likely she is still coming to terms with her husband’s betrayal and the predatory behaviour of B even now, hence her post. She needs real life support, probably more counselling to work through if she can get past the actions of her dh.

This

It's so important people understand more about trauma

The whole situation is absolutely dreadful. Quite frankly your husband’s focus right now should be on salvaging his marriage, not texting friends about a ridiculous meeting to discuss your private business. If it was me I would seriously be considering leaving him due to his appalling behaviour and disloyalty.

What the fuck?!?! I’m so sorry you are being put through another ordeal OP.

B is a disgusting abusive piece of shit and there should be no discussion about whether your husband cuts him off or not. That’s a no brainer. How dare his friends try and make it all about them?!?! YOU are the one they should be worried about making uncomfortable, not them.

I can't vote on this one and not because I think you are being at all unreasonable but because you don't seem to be as angry as this warrants.
I mean is your husband always such a fucking idiot?
Because that's the most generous interpretation I can put on his behaviour.
For me I'd take all your husband's and the "gang's" wishes off the table and focus on what YOU want and need both now and in the longer term.
Do you want to save your marriage?
From now on what would your saved marriage look like and is your husband capable of doing it?
Would you like a break from having to see him and live with him?
Would you like to reframe their "meeting" as your calling the whole bunch of imbeciles to account? If you would, then what do you require from that meeting?
Is there someone who you'd like to have support you in this?

You should not be having to deal with this shitfest.

I am so, so sorry this has happened to you. In your position I don’t think I could ever forgive my husband. How could I trust him with anything I told him ever again?
As for the friendship group, they clearly want it all to blow over so they can have their group again. I’m disappointed they want anything more to do with B. Being generous, perhaps they want the facts from the horses mouth before they condemn him but it doesn’t sound like it, otherwise they would need you there too.
Thing is though, B wouldn’t have had the chance to do this vile thing if your DH had not betrayed your confidence. And it was not just that ‘one night’ was it? As others not there know too. He is lying. No, I couldn’t get over it personally.
Let them discuss what they like when they like, this is marriage ending for me.

I have to agree with this, B clearly got a kick out of making you uncomfortable and trying to get details, it wasnt concerning, they were disturbing questions.

But your Husband seems to get his own kick out of sharing your story and acting like its his information to share. Its very odd and creepy in its own way that he thinks he can use something so personal and private as gossip. I would be concerned about this, what else is he feeling is good for gossip because if he thinks you dont deserve your own control over who knows this, anything is fair game.

I actually feel like the more concerning behaviour here is your Husband. B you can and should cut out, they dont get to have discussions for or about you. I would also be telling their partners that they like having group meetings to discuss intimate and personal information, if I found out my Husband wanted to sit around and discuss someone's trauma I would not be impressed at all.

I was raped at university. I told no one for years and years. I have only disclosed to 3 friends and my husband. They have not discussed it with anyone else. I am so horrified that your husband has disclosed your trauma to make life less awkward for himself. He hasn’t centred you or your feeling in any of this, past or even present. When it is obvious you are struggling now he has lied and deflected. It is unforgivable. I am sending you solidarity and strength

This is awful. I would not be happy with a group of men (I assume you think of them as casual friends yourself) discussing me and my trauma like some juicy gossip. I know you can’t stop your husband’s friends getting together and discussing you but if my husband went to this I wouldn’t be trusting him ever again and I’d be asking for a separation.

Completely agree. He sounds predatory. DH’s other friends should be cutting him off too, in my opinion.