DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

Can we call B’s behaviour what it actually was- it was abuse. He was prying into sexual details you never would normally ask in normal conversation much less to someone you know was traumatised previously. It was a bullying power play, and I have an icky feeling sexually gratifying for B as well and should be framed as such, also to Dh to make him appreciate the reality of the situation

theyd be scared?? I wish someone would call this ‘friend’ and say you absolute pathetic wanker, women are scared men will attack them, rape them and / or kill them, you bunch of big babies are scared a woman will say you don’t get to TALK about MY RAPE amongst yourselves. What are you, 2 years old??? What else are you scared of? The boogy man , the sun disappearing at night and the elderly crossing lady? If there’s anyone you should be scared of it’s B who’s a disgusting creepy predator, but you don’t have to be scared of him because you’re not a woman.

I am too. The talk now has to be about OP's husband divulging such personal and confidential information about his wife. He's awful.

In the midst of all this discussion of whys and wherefores, I just want to send you a huge hug and say how very very sorry I am that you are having to go through this. The feelings of hurt, exposure, betrayal and sadness must be overwhelming and yet you can't even get to them because of all the men drama.

Please look after yourself first, do what you need to do and get support where you can IRL. You don't owe anyone anything, not explanations, not forgiveness, not acceptance. Sending a hand hold and strength.

Sorry WTF? Your husband ‘doesn’t want an argument’? What does that even mean? Basically shut up woman I don’t want to take accountability for what I did. Flipping the blame to you for calling him out.

Your husband is disgusting. My skin would crawl having a ‘dh’ like that.

I would wonder about who else your DH has told. He can’t be trusted to protect you

Bloody hell, you poor woman. My heart goes out to you and I’m furious on your behalf.
B is a weird, vile creep but your husband? I’d be absolutely furious with him! How bloody dare he discuss your trauma behind your back! It clearly wasn’t just to the ‘friend’ group because he’s told at least one other person but I’d hazard a guess that he’s told others too. What a prick! And because he needed support for YOUR trauma! No, it’s because he’s a bloody gossip. If he needed support, he should have spoken to you and suggested he has counselling, not gossip to a bunch of men.
Personally, I’d never be able to trust him again because he has totally destroyed that and betrayed you, plus he has lied to you and is probably still lying to you. What a stupid man.

‘I believed what I told the group in confidence regarding my wife, was disclosed to real friends that I could trust at the time.

Since then B has created further harm by discussing this in public by asking her inappropriate and quite frankly predatory questions about rape and sex. This is by anyone’s standards entirely unacceptable.

Given the seriousness of B’s conduct I can not see any circumstances where he will be welcome in my life or that of my family ever again. There will be no meeting or further discussion about this. My only priority now is to support my wife, and would thank you to now respect her privacy and dignity’

I'm sorry you have had to experience the despicable behaviour from one of your H so called friends.
The whole scenario is creepy and weird and doesn't seem like a secure living arrangement with your H telling his friends about your traumatic experience. Gisele Pellicot comes to mind when I read your comments OP and I can't understand why your H had to go into so much detail about your trauma to his friends. He could have said a brief " I would rather you didn't talk about these things in my house" and leave it as that.

I would recommend that you get away from ALL of these people.

Your dh needs to shut this down now.

Agree. MIL knows. Wider family probably knows. Heck, he's probably even told his work colleagues.

Should DH decide to sit and discuss it with his friends and exclude you, fine for me he would come back to a home which had had the locks changed and his opersonal stuff would be in a box on the front doorstep whe he returned.

Did you not read my
post properly? I agreed with everything you’re saying??? I said it appeared he had her back originally if you read her full post he said he didn’t want to speak to B again? Did I read it wrong?

my comment obviously was not written well because I’ve said he did initially support her but then still agreed to this horrible ‘meeting’ which he shouldn’t have and then I said I’m torn because it wasn’t clear if it was confiding in a friend or just telling the whole group but it sounded like he did tell the whole group which is totally wrong?

im on OPs side 100% and am mad at DH and disgusting friends for her!

Send your dh the entire thread op. If he hasn’t understood the gravity of this already, he will after reading this.

Only read OP but I would seriously be looking at the marriage differently and considering the future.
Does h really have your back if he is discussing such personal things? B sounds like a pervert but h isn't covered in glory either. He wants to stay with the pervert group that was discussing you? No, I'd be done with him completely.
A decent man who really loves you wouldn't be telling others about your private business.

I would expect DH to never see the abusive pervert B again. If that means ditching the whole group, then so be it.
Your DH is disgusting for sharing your tauma with his friends and not even letting you know.
I think this would end my marriage - it would be very traumatic for me.
Bastards.

This, sadly. He sounds worse with every update. I can’t get over the cheek of him saying he “doesn’t want an argument”. He keeps on minimising his behaviour and he keeps on giving in to his horrible friends and putting their wishes first.

There should be no meet up and no further discussion. Friendship with pervert mate should be over instantly and without a second thought, if their mutual friends have a problem with that then so be it. There should be no room for discussion. He was completely out of order and is a complete pervert, I wouldn’t want his mate anywhere near me because I’d be worried what he might do.

As for DH, does he really have your back? Where is his back bone, why is he willing to discuss this, and why is he such a gossip!

I think it would end my marriage if my husband even considered trying to maintain a friendship with these men. He has put his own selfish interests before the wellbeing of his wife. I could never look at him again with any love or respect, and for me, once that has gone, it's all gone.

Put yourself and your peace and wellbeing to the forefront OP.

Much Love

I’m so sorry OP. Your husband’s choice of friends and willingness to share your traumatic experience without your consent doesn’t speak well of his character. He sounds weak and gossipy and B sounds like an unpleasant pervert.

Honestly at this point I’d be saying to your “D” H that if he says one more word about me, or my experiences, to a third party then I’d be leaving him. He can work through issues with his moron friends if he values a carvery more than his family, but if he so much as mentions you, or your past trauma, that will be the end of things.

Your H clearly has some very strange views on boundaries and I don’t accept his explanation at all. He can’t be trusted to discuss this sensibly. And his friends can’t be trusted at all. If he is a good partner in other ways then this may not need to end the relationship. But he needs to know that he must never discuss you, or your personal affairs again.

I’d also have told B to shut the f up within 2 mins of that conversation starting- so you might want to consider why you didn’t feel able to do so (maybe shock, or just trying to be nice). In the future it is absolutely fine to stop a conversation where you don’t feel comfortable immediately and if necessary leave.

What kind of husband would want a pervert like B anywhere near their wife? Wtf

What the actual fuck have I just read?! OP, I am SO sorry that you’re having to go through this - I can only imagine the feelings of betrayal, violation and disgust you might be experiencing.

Basically, the misogyny is strong with this “friendship group”, is it not? “B” has shown himself to be a predatory pervert, who at the first opportunity has been so vile and inappropriate that, in my opinion, the only reasonable response would be
a solid punch in the face. He gets off on thinking and talking about the worst, most horrific experience of your life. That’s who he is. Apparently this isn’t uncommon among men, a lot of them are sick in this way, but to actually interrogate you and push for info is beyond appalling and blatantly perverse.

Then there’s the husband, who allegedly told his “special friends” about your deeply personal trauma in an attempt to get them to stop telling JOKES about RAPE in your house?! What’s wrong with “don’t tell sick jokes in my house or anywhere, SA is NEVER funny?” He’s since changed his story to say he told all of these men about your SA for “support”. But, he’s being rather cagey and defensive, so something isn’t right with him.

So, who exactly knows and when/what exactly did he tell them? And we can safely assume they may have told their spouses/partners/friends etc, so there’s no way at all to know just how many people are now privy to your utterly personal information. This is an extraordinary betrayal of trust on the part of your husband. It sounds like he “talks the talk” of having your back, but it’s not sounding like he “walks the walk”.

Flip the situation for a moment. If you asked your husband - I’m not using DH because I don’t believe there’s any ‘darling here - to try to imagine a situation where he was drugged and raped by two men when he was still a child. The physical, mental and emotional scars of that attack have had a profound effect on his life and it’s taken years and years to try to recover, as much as possible, and move forward in life without constantly feeling bowed down under the weight of the violation and trauma.

Then husband meets you, and you say all of the right things to make him feel supported. Then, years later, while he’s out in a pub, one of your friends walks up to him, and starts a conversation about his drugged gang rape - did being raped affect his opinion on anal sex, has it made him like it? He is horrified, disgusted and violated by this turn of events. Turns out that you have told alllll of your special friends about his rape - without his permission. When he’s upset and asks why you told ‘the girls’ you say it was because some of them were laughing about male victims of rape and you wanted to give them a reason not to make these jokes in your house. Then, when a bit more info comes out and this sounding iffy, you admit that you told them all ages ago - sometimes you chat about it and the “support” helps you. I mean, some of the women might be getting a perverse thrill out of it - talking about his rape, imagining his rape etc - but they’re your friends and you deserve support too, right? I mean, it’s not all about him, right?!

And now it’s all got a bit socially awkward. You’re angry with your twisted, pervy friend and happy to not see her again - obvs - but the rest of the girls are putting the pressure on to not mess up the whole friendship group, because you’ve got social plans and it’ll be a drag to spoil things and make people pick sides. So, they’re suggesting a meet up of the “women’s council of friendsl to discuss this situation and try to work out a way forward - a way that doesn’t involve him or his presence, because that would make THEM feel AWKWARD. They’re all going to sit around and discuss him, the behaviour of the sicko friend and how to navigate this unfortunate incident. But it’s not actually about HIM, about his betrayal,
objectification and his experience seemingly being used as a titillating topic of conversation. No. This is about the much more important subject of trying to keep the friendship group in tact.

How the fuck would your husband feel, then?

Honestly, this post is far too long already and I could go on and no. Brass tacks - I don’t see how you even begin to try to continue or repair your relationship after this betrayal. I suspect the husband has no idea of the severity and seriousness of the damage he’s done to your marriage.

If it were me, I think I would say to him that if he chooses to indulge in this “council of the menz” nonsense re: salvaging the friendship, then he shouldn’t bother coming home afterward. But I’d be looking at ending the marriage in any event, to move on to a safe space where I felt secure. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Much love to you OP. What absolute shits they are. Absolutely disgusting.

I think I’d be very tempted to send a message to their group chat outlining exactly why Bs behaviour is abhorrent and how this will no longer be a topic of discussion without you present.

I dont know what the solution is regarding your husband though. I feel that may be a situation that will become clear in time.

Yes. The OP is being reduced to a walk on part as Over-Sensitive Nuisance in her own life. This is literally rape culture in action. Not all men have to be the actual rapists to create a culture where the rape is a minor issue that doesn’t get in the way of blokes bonding over a carvery.