DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

I feel that your DH has had your back in all of this and he didn’t even want this meeting but his friends keep insisting - however he should still say no that’s the end of the friendship and list all the things that vile creep said to you.

im torn with you being mad at your DH like a lot of posters are saying re him telling them in the first place…

if he confided in a friend it’s no different to women talking to each other and I wouldn’t be as mad HOWEVER it sounds like he told the whole group everything and that’s just not on - and he did it as a reason to stop them telling inappropriate rape jokes? That’s just disgusting behaviour.

Why does your husband want to be friends with any of them?

Presumably he has heard them "joke" like this before?

It was unacceptable this time because Op might overhear?
(and was referencing her trauma??)

I mean wtf?

I would send thread to MIL, friend and your DH in a joint message. I would then tell DH to sling his hook. How can you possibly want to stay with him after all this? He cannot be trusted.

My problem wouldn't be with B- it would be with DH telling the whole group about your experience without asking you if that would be ok- it is not his story to tell and not his decision to tell it.
An experience like this will always attract purient interest from some people, and it is very difficult to tell who those people will be beforehand- so there should be an absolute ban on your DH telling ANYONE about YOUR experiences.
He knows he shouldn't have told them, because he couldn't face telling you he'd done it- there is your problem, you need to have a serious talk, this for me could easily be a divorce inducing incident.

I’m so sorry OP, but I think your MIL probably already knows. If your DH told all his mates, then he probably told her too.

If she is someone you feel could provide support, then by all means discuss it with her. However, she is likely to take DH’s side.

Personally, I don’t think you should go. You don’t need to give your version of events. You don’t need to explain yourself to a group of misogynists. Whatever you say will make no difference anyway. They don’t care how you feel. I worry that going would be more traumatic for you.

I think you need to focus on your DH and your marriage at this point, not his friends. This will be very difficult to come back from.

Exactly.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that OP’s sexual trauma became the subject of discussion once; DH is proposing a second round.

It sounds to me like B has already been working very hard behind the scenes to build support from the group.

The meeting sounds like each party has the opportunity to put forward their side, almost like a sales pitch. It is entirely inappropriate.

How can your husband possibly think this is in your best interests op?

You sound uncertain as to whether dh will choose you or his friends - is that the problem here?

Because you shouldn’t even need to spell out to dh how unwelcome they now are in your life, he should already know, and should have taken steps to leave this group the minute it was clear they would be standing by B. The situation is untenable.

Haven’t read the full thread.

I’m so so sorry this ‘friend’ did that to you. He took away all your choice and control by asking those questions which is often one of the worst things that happen to a trauma victim. And of course is also what would’ve happened when the original traumatic event happened which I’m also so sorry to hear about.

The ‘friend’ sounds really twisted; like he took some kind of pleasure out of this conversation (or at best he seriously lacks empathy).

In terms of everyone discussing things - wtaf? It does not matter in the slightest if you being there during the discussion makes any of them uncomfortable. None of that matters compared to what you have been through and are still going through. I think it’s up to you what happens - at least this gives you back some control regarding how this plays out but please do not feel coerced or rushed into making any decisions here. Of course you can’t control what people talk about when you’re not there but if you’d rather DH continues to cut the ‘friend’ off and doesn’t discuss things further with him, that is also well within your rights. Don’t let them take the power/control away from you.

This. I'm not sure a group chat would ever resolve this, just lead to further arguments and may be more trauma for you.

Your H needs to shut it down immediately- not have them all in group chats over this.

I'm furious with your H on your behalf.

A meeting with the inner circle? Are they a cult?

Your husband is an absolute dickhead for discussing your trauma with his mates!

his mates all sound like immature weirdos.

I'm sorry about what happened to you OP and I'm sorry that you are having to deal with shit now xx

OP, re this 'meeting', the only people who should be discussing what happened to you in a group setting, even in passing, are those you choose to tell or trained professionals.

I think you sound very strong and very level-headed - these men are not, B is sick IMO and the rest of them turning it into some sort of soap opera where the survival of their pathetic 'group' friendship requires a meeting

One thing though, how you and your husband deal with the fact he divulged something so private should be kept separate from the foul behaviour of B and is between you and your DH...otherwise, before you know it, 'the group' will be discussing your relationship and which conveniently diverts from 'B's behaviour....I've seen it happen in these situations.

You have a DH problem.
i can’t imagine anyone decent gossiping about a. Incident as traumatic and serious as this to friends

This is what I don't get, B is clearly a weirdo/pervert, what sort of men want to hang out with him. You can judge people by the company they keep.

Your main problem is your DH and not B. B is a sex creep. That's very clear. And your DH should have nothing further to do with B. Your husband has betrayed your trust with graphic detail of your personal trauma.

The very idea that a bunch of men think it's ok to have a meeting to discuss how to get beyond the fact that B is a pervert in order to preserve their friendship group is shocking. That your husband is going along with this is no surprise since he saw fit to divulge very intimate details about you to his friends.

I'm not sure why you'd want to tell your MIL? Confide in a friend, by all means, but telling your MIL just makes it seem like you're telling on DH to his mummy, and for what? In the hopes that she'll scold him into listening to you? He's a grown man. If he won't listen to what you say, then he's not worth it.

As for the meeting, I think it's a bad idea personally, and you'll regret putting yourself and your trauma on display in front of a group of men who all have each others' backs, and are more likely to get off on it than understand your position.

I think you're best to take a big step back from it all, and think about what you need from your DH. His friends seem like a write off.

I have to say I'm a bit, erm, taken aback that they want to be friends with someone who has the potential to ask their own wives about sex, let alone in the context of rape. Who asks their mate's wife if he is good in bed?!

Oh please! 🙄
Her DH did not have her back when he divulged private and confidential information about her past trauma to his sleazy mates who are probably fantasising about it because why else would they keep on wanting to “discuss” it? Absolutely revolting.

To the posters suggesting OP tell the wives and girlfriends of this group - they will already know.

Its disgusting, but people treat this kind of information as though its a crime against the public rather than the person. It'll have been mentioned over the years with a "poor OP" tone and the women involved will have assumed its so private they shouldn't raise it with OP.

The same men will be downplaying Bs behaviour with "he was drunk/didnt mean to upset her/stepped over the line but I've known him for years and he's a good guy who got it wrong".

Pigs that they are, Im betting they think if B apologises to the husband they'll be civil to each other, and to hell with how this makes OP feel.

OP - you’re not hearing the consensus here.

This lads’ discussion with B and DH is not happening.
The Whatsapp discussions stop now.
How mates deal with the end of B and DH friendship is up to them.

Somehow OP'S husband and his friends have become the main characters in her trauma, and they're repeatedly violating her.

Honestly, you sound utterly amazing and your DH really doesn't deserve you. You are so brave to have gone through distressing therapy so that you can be the best possible mother to your children.

I'm utterly shocked that the first reaction from your DH in particular and the rest of their friendship group isn't to completely ostracise B in sheer disgust at his behaviour. There is nothing to discuss. He is a sexual pervert with a side order of cruelty who has no place in civilised society.

If they all decide to take B's side so that they can continue with their fucking carveries, your DH should disown them all. If he doesn't do that, I'd be planning to leave the marriage.

Oh and prepare for B to say he was just drunk and doesn’t remember saying most of it btw.

Chances are he will lie though OP. It is what people put into a difficult spotlight like this do.

This is going to make this meet up even more traumatic, as not only is your past being discussed, but you might well have to defend yourself too.

If they want to meet up and discuss this while at their fkn carvery table, then so be it. You do not need to put yourself in the midst of it. Why should you? You have absolutely nothing wrong.

Perhaps put your focus into how to get through this instead. Can you go away for a few days? Not with dh btw, on your own or with the dc. I know from experience that is is very difficult to rationalize your thoughts when you are right in the thick of it.

I know I have said in a pp that I would not be able to continue with this relationship, trust is a deal breaker for me. But every person is different and this may not mean the end for you But I can't see how you can even start to deal with processing something like this, when group chats, meet ups and this bullshit is happening around you.

At the very least, you should be offered the chance for space to process this how you need to.

All of this. They are all massively inappropriate.