DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

This. Your DH sounds like he had the right intentions but honestly, what jokes were they making if it would likely trigger something from a trauma perspective for you? If he isnt in the sort of friendship group where he can call out those sort of jokes and challenge them in some way, without using your trauma as the reason, i think there is a lot wrong with his friends and their conversations. Whats wrong with "that's vile, what's wrong with you mate?" Or "I don't find that funny". Someone said above that his friends failed the maturity test and that's right, but at 30 (not 20) this is more about a good human test, and men need to stop being given allowances for such stunted emotional capacity

Your DH is appalling and just as much at fault as B. He's used your devastating ordeal as gossip currency with his mates. I don't believe he told them so they could "support him", he told them for some kind of warped bragging rights.

I think you need to issue him with a blanket ban of ever discussing it again with anyone but you. As a rape victim, you have the right to lifelong anonymity and he's breached that without your permission. That is despicable.

As for the meeting, they can get to fuck if they think it's appropriate for them to sit round discussing you in ANY context. B behaved horrendously, because it sounds like he was asking questions for his personal titillation and was getting off on it. You should never allow yourself to be in the same room as him and you should make it clear to your DH that if he tries to rescue the friendship, it will be unforgivable.

It's a huge betrayal. You do not have to engage with any 'discussions'. The question is, why is your husband not coming down hard on his friends? At best, he is naïve. At worst, he is putting maintenance of his social group above you. He comes across as conciliatory towards everyone but you.

I think, on balance, the anger you are feeling needs to be used to make it very clear that his actions now are going to impact on the future of your relationship. He needs to make good choices.

I would be livid if my partner had discussed something so traumatic happening to me with his friends. What the actual fuck was your husband thinking? I'd feel utterly betrayed.

His friends are incredibly inappropriate and weird as well.

I'd be very uncomfortable in your shoes. Sorry you're living like that and for what you've been through.

Agreed. Even if the husband needed support, that does not take priority over his wife’s confidentiality. If he wanted to talk to a friend, he needed her consent first. That’s non-negotiable.

Your DH & his friends sound like a proper set of jumped up tossers and like fk i'd care if I made them uncomfortable. Stop giving DH all the power in a situation that is ultimately about YOU

Yes. I’ve never said LTB, apart from in jest on here, but I think this is marriage-ending, OP. It would be for me. (I was ten when it happened, but I’m not sure that makes all that much difference.) Your husband is more concerned with his misogynistic lads’ carvery than with your brave and commendable attempts to come to terms with your rape.

Your DH does not seem to understand that these ‘Bros’ have had a bonding session, thanks to him, based on metaphorically stripping you naked and traducing you in front of them. Some (most?) of them will have been very interested shall we say.

And, if he related your rape to them in order to, as he said, get them to shut up with their other sexual ‘joking’, he should have realised the types he was telling.

I believe, like a couple of other posters, that he is so in with them, and so under their peer pressure, like an adolescent, that he has mainly been thoughtless. But it was a really stupid thing to tell this gang, and a worry is that it is not at all clear he even understands now the gravity and implications of what he did.

As for the ‘Bro’ B, he effectively carried out a form of rape in public and no doubt been thinking about you a lot, and not in a nice way. It is not surprising you feel very angry and upset, and no one should make you dismiss this or try to diminish it.

Sorry, I asked why your H told them without reading this.

He could have just told them to stop because it’s not appropriate full stop rather than pinning it on your fragility.

You are a bloody warrior. To get through all of that. Don’t let these men make this about your fragility and trauma.

“with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties”

Can I gently, kindly and with love, rewrite this sentence for you;

’I have utilised EMDR therapy to overcome the horrendous mental injuries inflicted by the trauma I experienced’

They are not ‘your difficulties’ - nothing wrong with you - your brain and body just reacted as lots of brains and bodies would, to something horrific. You are stronger than many, having been through all that and working hard to build extra skills, knowledge and peace around the consequences. You are AMAZING!

Find that strong part of you now and don’t let these men ride roughshod over your needs, wishes and wants. 💪

I have told DH if they want some intervention they can do it with me present. I'm not having B lying.

I don't care if I make them uncomfortable, I was uncomfortable that evening.
I want to tell them that by minimizing this whole situation, they are also part of the problem.

DH spoke with his friend on the phone yesterday and said that if they have another carvery or this meeting thing that I'd said (to DH) I'd turn up anyway. Friend said they'd all leave as scared.
I'm just thinking... What?? Scared because they know for a fact they are wrong?
Scared ill mention rape? Eugh.

It's all such a mess and I'm so sad. They're all discussing this issue over the phone and in group chats. The friends all met up last weekend with B also, but not DH as me and DH had plans. So probably discussed then also, although have told DH they didn't mention it.

I was going to send this thread to my IRL friend and maybe even my MIL. I'm not sure. I don't want to sound unreasonable. I haven't even told my MIL what happened at 17, it's that private to me.

I don't think DH meant to tell them maliciously though. Although, I didn't know until this morning that a friend not within this group also knows.. so then again, I don't know much. It's all such a head fuck.

Like I said, I've worked tirelessly not to make this define my life. It's been so hard, therapy session after therapy session, cracking myself open to better myself and therefore my children's lives also, by healing. I've spoken at depth with my husband how this has been for me and I'm gutted because I feel like I don't know who to trust now.

Apologies for the ramble.
Thank you for the support.

Ugh perish the thought they’d feel uncomfortable!!!!

Can you get childcare, and take a good friend and attend this pow wow? Ask B directly what he thought he was doing with his questions? Call him out? Perhaps let the wife or girlfriend know he saw fit to do this?

This kind of casual misogyny whereby men sit back and don’t own behaviour needs addressing every single time. If they don’t call it out, they are complicit.

You are married to Judas himself. I'm so sorry your husband is such a terrible gossip. He could have stopped that conversation without revealing your deeply personal and traumatic experience. There has to be some things a spouse doesn't divulge to anyone, bar a therapist or a wall.

And a roundtable with friends he told your secret, to find a way forward as friends? Just no! B is a pervert who weaponised what your husband shared about you, and should be gone from your husband's life.
He saw your vulnerability and trampled all over it. Even others could see your discomfort, while he was relishing it.
How can Judas justify maintaining that friendship? That would be an added betrayal ☹️.

I agree with other posters who’ve said to keep there issues separate, stick to a united front with your husband against the friends and then deal with your issues with your husband separately. Threads like this get lots of angry responses, rightfully, but it’s becoming like Chinese whispers! People are commenting and running with the friends making rape jokes, where this is never what was said in the op.

Keep your head clear, B is the person you and your husband have an issue with. The other friends need to know what his behaviour was like and how that made you feel. Then you can speak to your husband about how this has all made you feel and what you need from him going forward.

Agreed on all fronts.

DH is worrying about his friendship with B and the group. He should be worrying about his marriage.

I am, yet again, horrified by the actions of men. I’m so sorry, OP for what happened to you and for discovering that your husband and his friends are not who you thought they were.
What this man did is absolutely disgusting. He is a pervert, someone who gets his kicks in the worst possible ways - he is not to be trusted. The fact that your husband hasn’t immediately shut this down and unequivocally cut this cancer out of his life says it all, I’m afraid. We all know what these ‘men’ are like when they’re together.

This is a good point, there was no need to say anything. Just ‘guys this is going too far!’ And change the subject.

Bless you OP. Honestly what happened to you with them is absolutely atrocious. Stand your ground and let your voice heard, even if it shakes. 💐

I think your trauma is at the centre of this so I think they should all, for once, actually allow you to be centred in this. I think they mean they won’t feel able to speak openly for fear of making you upset… but that’s exactly what they haven’t focused on. How discussing this event affects you. I think your husband should back you however you prefer to deal with it.

With kindness I am going to gently and quietly shout at you now;

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.

If anyone thinks you are being unreasonable then that is very much a ‘them’ problem.

Nothing about what these men are doing is respectful of you. YOU are the only person that should be making any decisions about what happens next.

No meeting. No more discussions about you, it is only your business.

I'd be beyond livid with your bloody husband, stupid man.

That friend from the bar is deeply weird, sounds like an abuser himself frankly, needs chopping out and the other friends need to suck it up. End of.

Your husband really has created this situation and now wants to discuss it further despite the fact that this is what created the issue.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

I've lived through ongoing trauma too and EMDR was massively helpful. Xx

OP I'm just worried that you being present at the meeting will be traumatic too. Why put yourself through that? I hope you read @WahWahWahs 's post, because that seems a dignified and pragmatic response that also protects you and your privacy.

They aren't scared - they're embarrassed and know they'll be squirming in their seats if you ask them to their faces why they are friends with a pervert.

This. All of this.

I don't know if anyone has asked this already, but do all the 'inner circle' of men have wives?

It just seems that all the men are trying to 'get past' the 'issue', so that their friendship group can continue as before.

They're not concerned about you or your feelings, or how devastating the consequences of B's actions actually are for you?

It sounds like the men are planning a private chat to clear the air, so your H would get either an excuse or an apology from B, and that'll be the end of it as far as they're concerned?

I'd actually be phoning their wives/partners to ask them to attend the meeting too? And I'd be attending as well.

Why the bloody hell should the men get to meet and decide anything at all ffs?

Let all the wives/partners know what kind of 'men' they are in a marriage/relationship with. Let the wives/partners make sure that this is never, ever just swept under the carpet.

If the wives know, you'll get their support and they'll make damned sure that the men are told exactly how fucked up their 'priorities' are! I'm sure they'll be outraged on your behalf!

Otherwise, every drink, BBQ, party or get-together forever after would be the men all chummy again, because that's their 'priority' ,the women clueless about what has happened, and YOU, in a weird no-mans land of trying to be 'normal' after the massive betrayal from your H and the weird/perverted experience you endured from his 'friend' B, and coping, alone, with having to continue to socialise with the group of men.
Fuck that shit !

I’m so sorry about your experience.

There doesn’t need to be any meeting. Your husband has cut off B as a friend. End of. It’s up to his mates how they deal with the fall out of that. Thats nothing to do with husband or you. Yeah your husband may not be invited to as many group activities but that’s your husbands fault he shouldn’t have told them. But to be fair your husband shouldn’t want to hang out with others who want to still be friends with B.

Although I don’t think husband “has your back” he didn’t need to tell everyone. It wasn’t his experience to tell anyone. He should have just said stop making inappropriate comments. No need for a reason. I get others saying your husband needs to pick his friends better but it does sound to me like they are all the same. My husband’s friends (nor my husband) wouldn’t make such lewd comments.

But yeah if you want to trust your husband again and feel comfortable in the company of his friends (and wives as these husbands will have told their wives) he needs a whole new set of them in my opinion.